I am but I am turning into a seething ball of resentment and just need to RANT

[FestiveGonad]

Apologies this is mega long and anecdotal but I really need to let it all out because I am starting to stew and am getting to the point where every little thing is pissing me off and really don?t want it to affect Christmas. You don?t have to read it all, just writing it down will help!

1.In October I asked my mum what their xmas plans were, she said she didn?t know yet but they might be going away. A couple of weeks later my sister was over (she lives abroad) and asked us all how we were spending Christmas. Mum replied ?I don?t know yet I am waiting for festive to tell us whether or not she wants to come to us?

Anyway we discussed it properly and agreed that the dc and I would go and spend Christmas - NY with my parents. Mum asked what date dd finished school and said they would come and get us that day. I said no we have various events on the week after school breaks up (pantomime, trip to see santa, 2 x playdates for dd) and a friend coming to stay so the earliest we could go was the day before Christmas eve, but I would prefer to go Christmas eve itself because there is a toddler carol service that morning that we are supposed to be going to. She threw a big strop and said there was no point in us going if the dc weren?t going to be there in the build up to Christmas. Told her not to be silly and that we would be there xmas eve and she would get to see the dc open their stockings etc and have them the whole of xmas day. After a couple of days sulking she seemed to be ok with that.

2.A couple of years ago I started the xmas eve tradition of new pjs and a dvd, and said to mum I would want to do this again this year (we were there last year too and mum made a huge fuss about having to put on her pjs before she was going to bed) and she said she didn?t want to. I said ok she didn?t have to but would want the dc and I to so she could either skip the pj part and just watch the dvd with us or the dc and I could watch the dvd upstairs. She then complained that it wasn?t in the spirit of Christmas for us to closet ourselves away and why did we have to do it anyway, it?s hardly a tradition after 3 years and is silly anyway. It?s something I have started for my dc and I, the dc love it and it?s not interfering with any existing traditions they have because they?ve never had any for xmas eve.

3.Boxing Day my auntie always has a big family party, and had emailed to ask for a rough idea of numbers. I always enjoy this party, the dc have other children to play with, lots of food and drink, get to see family I don?t see often etc. But when I phoned my mum to see whether she wanted to go (as we are staying with them) she said ?well I would have quite liked to but I?ve phoned dsis and told her I don?t think we?ll be able to because I think it might be too much for you and the dc ESPECIALLY AS YOU ARE ONLY COMING ON XMAS EVE and I don?t know if you?ll be up for it. Such a shame.? WTF?? Fair enough if she doesn?t want to go but don?t make out it?s down to me!

4.I had a child free day at the beginning of November and went out and got their presents and everything for their stockings. I didn?t go crazy but there was plenty there and I?d put quite a bit of thought into ensuring that the stocking fillers weren?t just bits of crap but things they?d actually play with and appreciate. Once we had arranged to go to my parent?s I took all the stuff for the dc there so it was there ready and little spies wouldn?t find it in the meantime. Yesterday I was speaking to my mum and she told me she was going to sort through the stocking stuff and decide what to take out asked her what she meant and she said there was far too much there so she needed to sort through it. I said there wasn?t that much and she said she had been adding to it because some of the things I?d got weren?t suitable for stockings. Asked her which things and she said a couple of things were more main presents and things like toothbrushes and bubble bath were just boring and shouldn?t be presents so she?d bought more stocking things like crayons and little plastic bits. I know I am being ungrateful but those are exactly the things I wanted to avoid-we have thousands of crayons and plastic shit is plastic shit and all ends up in the bin after a few days.

5.She then went on to say that because of the weather if there was a good driving day they would come and get us and I might have to miss my ?precious? carol concert etc. Fair enough to make the most of any good weather/clear roads etc but she is completely belittling our plans. When I pointed out my friend and dd would be staying here (weather permitting) she said ?well you?ll just have to leave them there?.

I just feel as though she is being very controlling and isn?t acknowledging that the dc and I are a family in our own right with our own life, our own home, and our own way of doing things

Don't go!

See I know I am going to be in her house and so am trying to accomodate what she wants as well. So I've told her she doesn't have to do the pj's or the dvd, but that we will be. Obviously if she had other plans for the evening that that would interfere with then I'd let her plans take priority as a guest in her house but she doesn't. All we'd be doing otherwise is sitting down watching tv with a glass of wine, and no reason why we can't have wine with the dvd. The dc will be going to bed at their usual holiday time too so not really cutting into her evening. TBH I can understand her not wanting to do it but it's the way she has dismissed it as something silly and unimportant that is annoying me-the dc have talked all year about their Christmas pyjamas and all watching a film together before bed so already it is part of Christmas that feels special to them.

I have been speaking up in that I told her we weren't going the day dd finished school, told her the 3 of us will be doing the dvd thing and it's up to dad and her if they want to join in either fully or partly, and I have also told her I wanted to go to aunt's so not to not go on our behalf. I also told her to leave the stockings and I would sort them. Just don't want to have a row about it, it all seems so petty really.

I think you need to 1) allow her less input eg keep your own presents in your own house, completely seperate from her. What she buys is her concern, what you buy is hers. At present (with the stocking thing) it almost sounds as if she is taking up the vacant parenting role; you're a single parent and she is coming in on the minutae of things as if she were the other parent, not the grandparent. If you are very strong with your boundaries this should help her to have less opportunity to do this perhaps? Things like make your own arrangements with your aunt re going to her party; if she's inviting you, you can ring her, surely and not do it through your mum. Boundaries!
2) I think to be honest there are also areas where you can give a little and maybe if you feel you have gained control of the important stuff you will feel more able to compromise without resenting it; if you want to go, and you want to be picked up, then yes you need to accept that you are picked up when they are happy to do so weather-wise and that this might affect your plans. Also, re the PJs and DVD thing, if you're not in your house then it isn't up to you to completely set the traditions imho. and going upstairs to watch a DVD would be very anti social on xmas eve in her house, although having said that it is odd of her to mind about it.

It is very petty of her. What were your xmases like? Any chance she's feeling guilty over not doing all these fun things with you as a child and is therefore trying to reassure herself?

oop should have said what you buy is YOURS in that post, obv!

Festive! I have nothing to add but just wanted to say that I really do feel for you.

Frosty I think she is a bit jealous maybe of the tradition part of it-we never did anything special on xmas eve and last year she said how it worked well at winding the dc down before bed.

Obviously I wouldn't dream of imposing my traditions on someone else normally but I'm not treated as nor act like a guest at my parents' house and it was kind of we will come to you xmas eve if we can still do it otherwise we'll stay home and come xmas morning (which is what we did a couple of years ago and she complained we had started the celebrations without her, she hadn't seen the dc open stockings and it cut into xmas day too much having us arrive in the morning)

WRT presents for a few years my gran went mad buying us tons of tat and my mum hated it-maybe she is trying to get revenge by doing the same to me (and btw my gran is still going strong so has probably bought loads of crap for the dc herself as well!)

God what a nightmare! I would be firmer with her. Tell her that under no curcumstances can she interfere with what you have put in your childrens stockings as it is really none of her business. Tell her that you won't be missing your concert (unless absolutely neccessary), and that you will do your pj and dvd tradition and if she doesn't like it then you will do it at your house and you'll spend the whole of Christmas at yours or go to hers on Christmas day.

She is being very controlling but she can only get away with what you let her get away with!

OP - you haven't broken away from your daughter role any more than your mother has broken away from her mother role.

I think you need to step back and lead your own life without your mother for a while.

The thing is, as a lone parent, it can be really difficult to have that separation from your parents(mother really).

If you are in a couple you are treated more as an adult, and respected as a family unit more.

I totally get the thing about wanting adult company on Chrismas Day, and trying to compromise with her so that you dont have to be a total drudge the whole day.

Maybe next year you could find some friends at a loose end and have xmas with them.
Also, go the your Aunts party-you were invited. Ring her and tell her you will come.

I think you are behaving really well OP. I would have blown a gasket by now!!

Could you ask her to make crackers with the bits she has bought? My MIL does that and the DC's love it. They get all sorts of plastic tat, dangerous toys with small parts, whatever she wants. I get to do the stockings.

But leaving the presents at her house does sort of invite that sort of thing. It does sound like there are quite confused boundaries between you. Maybe she feels in more of a co-parenting role rather than doting grandma.

Bonsoir I lead a very separate life from her normally, she plays no part at all in my day to day life, I see her every couple of months. That's why I'm finding it so annoying that a) she assumed I would go for the whole holiday and b) that she is interfering in the presents.

The presents were left at their house so that the children couldn't find them and so that we'd have less to transport on the day. I know loads of people that hide stocking stuff at grandparents houses so the dc don't find it, surely it's not that unusual!

Good idea with the crackers camdancer, thanks

How old are you? Why is you mother trying to treat you like a child?

Sorry, I've realised that you're a lone parent. Like someone else suggested she seems to be trying to take over the role of the other parent. Poor you. Stay strong and make sure you andf your dc enjoy it.

Yeah forgot to say that you should go to the party. You will enjoy it and so will your kids. If you mum doesn't want to do she doesn't have to you can just make your own arrangements.

Oh dear - sound like its all gone tits up a bit wrong.
Diplomatic reply - could it be that your mum actually feels a bit left out - i.e she got a bit excited at the prospect of having yo all over for christmas and maybe wanted to do things like the santa visit, carol concert with you all?? If so (and gulp a bit here) - could your parents stay with you for a couple of days to do that stuff and then you all go over to their house together on Christmas eve.. (don't know how far away they are but maybe not do the staying over bit).

Undiplomatic reply - YADNBU - do your own thing and take a bottle of vodka/tequila/whatever your tipple and take secret swigs everytime you have to grit your teeth and smile - a festive drinking game if you will. That way by the end of the stay you will be sloshed and beyond caring ;)

Do people really put things like toothpaste in stockings?

Wait, your mum had a go at you because she didn't get to see your DCs open their stockings?

Um - they are not her kids, they're yours.

Either don't go or TELL your mum you will be going after the carol concert. Get in your PJs and watch your DVD (I'm sure she wouldn't say no if the kids want to watch it). Sort the stockings out yourself when the kids are in bed - if your mum says anything just tell her it's really rude and hurtful to say your presents are boring and remove them. And go to your aunties party.
Learn your lesson for next year and don't leave stuff at her house.
People can only control you if you allow it. Say no firmly to anything you're not happy with and your mum will learn that she can't control you.

Extremelychocolatey - Hi, she didn't say toothpaste she said toothbrushes. I was going to do the same but couldn't find any nice one's.

Thank you, monkey, for clarifying . We don't do stockings so I was curious.

well I fel for you - I once took legal action to prevent my mother from just walking into my house and bedroom when she wanted (I was staying in a flat that she and her partner owned for a short while) because she wouldn't respect a request or even a long angry tirade including 'if you ever fucking do that again I'll kick you out physically' sure enough next DAY she walked in on me asleep and started tidying up around me. A letter from a solicitor, a 'poor me' phonecall later and then she started to get it. I still don't give her a key to my house, and make it clear that she can't make me do things, but she still will phone up and say 'we're picking you up at.. o'clock' even if I havn't agreed to something.

My sister didn't resist so hard, and also didn't move away... and is now in a psychiatric institution, so go figure..

Its really important that your wishes aren't ridden over and that your mother either respects what you do or gets the f out - being a lone parent is difficult in this situation as you can't have the blessed relief of going somewhere else with a good excuse - my mother still tries to get in asearly as possible with 'hints' about what is happening christmas day, and then will call up and tell me what time she is picking me up.. every year I say I will decide and tell her, and every year she just ignores it so I feel for you a great deal...

Your mother sounds just like my parents, hence the reason I told them in August we would be staying home and doing our own thing this year! My father has already started controlling us organising next Christmas instead.

I have found thinking through a list of things I know they are going to do/say which will annoy me and awarding them points, then when something comes up I get a score and it gives me a secret smile.

I think you are a saint for putting up with this behaviour. It's also lovely to know that I'm not the only one who has to put up with this sort of bonkers controlling behaviour

I put toothbrushes and toothpaste in stockings :) they'll need them with all the chocolate and sweets that are in there too!