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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sick of my friends mouthing off about my dc?

48 replies

veryberry21 · 19/12/2010 13:14

About a month ago i began noticeing my friends slipping in little bits of advice to help bring up my kids. We all live in quite a mddle class area and when my children were younger they used to play with my friends kids. but as they got older my children sort of grew apart from my friends and made some of there own.
A few days ago i was with two of my close friends when one of them dropped in a comment about my dd's hair- a couple of days before her 12th birthday she dyed her hair black and asked if she could get it cu into an "emo" style, i allowed her- she said that her dd would never dream of dong such a thing and that she ould never allow it. I was stunned at he rudeness and have begn noticing the subtle hints they add in during convos. it angers me that they are trying to tell me how to parent my children. Am i over reacting?

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 19/12/2010 13:16

Yup, and you know who your DD would rather have as a parent.
Good that you are letting your children exercise some independent choices.

FiveColdRingsForSolo · 19/12/2010 13:18

I'd have said 'yeah, but doesn't she look great!'

LaWeaselMys · 19/12/2010 13:26

Well sod them.

Is my mature reaction. I think it's nice that you've let your DD mess with her hair, and there's far worse things she could be than emo.

ragged · 19/12/2010 13:28

If it's constant remarks like that I would definitely avoid them in future.

Original poster

veryberry21 · 19/12/2010 13:31

Precisely LaWeaselMys I thought i was giving her some independance by letting her mess around with her hair and have some fun.

OP posts:

hatesponge · 19/12/2010 13:38

Agree there are worse things - IMO it's preferable to all the 12 year old girls at my DS's school who are all highlighted straightened hair, Fake Bake and lip gloss....

but maybe thats just the old goth in me preferring the pale and interesting look to the orange oompa loompa effect

lololizzy · 19/12/2010 13:41

probably jealous cos you have cool kids with a bit of individuality

seeker · 19/12/2010 13:42

What else do your kids do that they don't approve of?

Lonnie · 19/12/2010 13:43

Whats an Emu?? (and I am showing my age Im sure)

honestly OP leave them to wallow in it as long as you and your daughter have a good relationship thats not aissue (and make sure she knows to not dye with the black colour near light coloured towels)

pagwatch · 19/12/2010 13:44

You are probably not being unreasonable. But you may want to contemplate the possibility that you are being defensive.

My best friends and I would talk to each other about our different rules, but without thinking that our parenting is superior.

I may well say to a friend ' I would never let dd dye her hair' because I wouldn't. But I don't think badly of a parent who does. Equally my friend has said to me that she would never let her dd eat in front of the Telly whereas I think fish and chips in front of x factor is a pretty nice Saturday nice.

It is just different.

If you don't like them then ignore them. But if you like them then maybe consider that they are just being honest, as friends are, and are making no judgement.
From the tone of your post I don't think you like them so just ignore. They should mean nothing to you.

BringOnTheGoat · 19/12/2010 13:46

If that is a typical 'hint' type comment than you're over reacting.
If you are confident you are making the right choices, why sweat it?
I would say to a friend that I wouldn't allow my DC to do something, would be shocked if they took it as critical. We're all different, why can't a friend voice that without you feeling it is a slight on you.

northerngirl41 · 19/12/2010 16:25

Is anyone else praying that the friend's daughter does something irreversable like a tattoo??

I mean, they are 12 and at some point in the next few years, they aren't going to be accommpanied everywhere by te mummies or daddies. You hope at that point that you've instilled enough common sense about why some things are bad ideas...

But if you've chained them in their room and they've never seen a glass of wine before, chances are they'll be the one at the student party vomiting in the toilet.

Shame that the friend is taking such a short term view. Isn't it better that you have multicolred hair while you still can?

pagwatch · 19/12/2010 16:29

that saying no to hair dye means that a child will have been chained in their room.
I am sure that must be the case
Poor dd

TheCrackFox · 19/12/2010 16:35

TBH, I'm not sure she was telling you how to raise your children, she was telling you how she raises her own children. Perhaps you are over reacting?

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 19/12/2010 18:17

well, if your children were out of control brats and you were doing nothing about it, then a bit of hinting from your friends would be a good thing for them to do!

But hair? [boggle] I mean come on! That's just a rite of passage for kids, isn't it? It's important to let them express their 'individuality'

I put it in '' because their 'individuality' is exactly the same as their mates and most of the kids you see walking the streets.

They wear a uniform of 'individuality'

As did I at that age.

But still, got to let them do it.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 19/12/2010 18:20

TCF - I think it rather depends how the conversation went.

OP "what do you think of my daughter's hair? do you think your daughter would do it?"
OPs mate "No. I wouldn't let my daughter do it..."

OP "hi there, would you like a cup of tea?"
OPs mate "I wouldn't let my daughter have her hair done like your daughters, I think it shows a lack of parental ..."

one is a chat, an exchange of parenting styles

the other is not.

DeckTheHallWithBowlsOfPomBears · 19/12/2010 18:22

YANBU. Good for you for letting your DD be herself.
Don't let it worry you, a close friend of mine rather bluntly suggested I read a book called "How to be a better parent". I took that quite badly.

undercovasanta · 19/12/2010 18:23

Other parents get pissy about parents who let their kids do things that they wouldn't allow, because they know they will then get what feels like a lifetime of hassle along the lines of 'x has dyed her hair, WHY can't I?', 'y has had her ears pierced, WHY won't you let me have it done?'.

The parent who does allow these sort of things is of course not responsible for the shit that the other parents will get as a result. And it is all an inevitable part of having kids. But that doesn't stop people being a bit narked and judgey about it!

If they are being judgey all the time, then find new friends.

pink4ever · 19/12/2010 18:24

veryberry-was it you that posted a thread about your 12 year old dd dating a 14 year old boy?(apologies if have confused you with someone else).
If indeed that was you then I would perhaps be paying abit more attention to what your friends are saying as from the other things you posted re your dd you dont seem to be doing much parenting!(sorry if that sounds harsh but imo).
For the record would not let a 12 year old child dye her hair any colour-because they are a child and have many many years ahead of them to experiment/fuck up their hair.

Sequins · 19/12/2010 18:28

I would let a 12 yo dye hair but not date. I don't think you get that much time to play with your hair as most jobs want very boring styles. I would love to have blue hair but I work in the City - so not gonna happen until I retire and then that's a very different look!

WhatsWrongWithYou · 19/12/2010 18:40

I wouldn't be pleased if DD appeared with hair dyed any colour, least of all black.

And I'd think that if a friend's daughter did the same. Wouldn't say it, though - that would be rude and me just trying to look superior.

I'm afraid I probably would think I was superior, though.

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 19/12/2010 18:41

don't really have an opinion but need to know what an EMU is...

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 19/12/2010 18:41

Yes, there's a danger with black dye, isn't there? can cause some really bad reactions and lead to life long serious allergies.

Something beginning with P? Is it?

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 19/12/2010 18:43

Emo. Not emu.

here

pagwatch · 19/12/2010 18:45

at emu...

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