to be sick of my friends mouthing off about my dc?

[veryberry21]

About a month ago i began noticeing my friends slipping in little bits of advice to help bring up my kids. We all live in quite a mddle class area and when my children were younger they used to play with my friends kids. but as they got older my children sort of grew apart from my friends and made some of there own.
A few days ago i was with two of my close friends when one of them dropped in a comment about my dd's hair- a couple of days before her 12th birthday she dyed her hair black and asked if she could get it cu into an "emo" style, i allowed her- she said that her dd would never dream of dong such a thing and that she ould never allow it. I was stunned at he rudeness and have begn noticing the subtle hints they add in during convos. it angers me that they are trying to tell me how to parent my children. Am i over reacting?

You seem pretty sensitive about this.

They just seemed to be giving honest comments. Join in.

OTOH if you think they are being rude and subtley undermining you, why are they your best friends

lol thanks hecate!

I'd be very concerned about dark hair dye because of allergies, reactions and carcinogens. I would certainly make sure you were armed with the facts.

just googled emo hairstyle expecting something really extreme, but it looks like a fairly average teeny hairstyle...why the objections?

Forgot to say the main reason for my displeasure would be the chemical/potential allergy aspect.

Then the fact it would look hideous on her.

I guess it depends on the tone it was said. My friends and I disagree about 'rules' all the time - it doesn't make any of them us superior at all except me.

However, if they are being toffee nosed and acting superior then it's clearly time to find some new friends :(

Not that you asked - but I wouldn't let an 11 year old (as she was) or a 12 year old (as she is) dye her hair either and especially not black. I might, for the holidays if she wanted it pink or blue for a a bit of fun, but not black and not in that style. She has plenty of years for that before starting a serious job - no need to start at 11 IMO and I'd have no problem saying that to you, face to face. It doesn't mean I feel superior to you, just different.

YANBU,

The other day I was telling a friend that I had told my 5yo not to curse God because it was "swearing". I went on to say that I am not religious but do not think that a 5yo need say these things. When a teacher had said it at school my DD told her it was swearing and she told my daughter that it was fine to say.

My friend looked at me like I was stupid and told me not to be ridiculous as her kids have always said it and there were worst thing they could do.

I agreed but kindly told her that this was the way I chose to bring my daughter up and it was a boundary I didnt want her to cross.

i think it is part of normal conversation, what you describe is not mouthing off... it's conversational. she gave her opinion on what she would /would not allow her child to do ....
do you really think it is unreasonable for other parents who are friends of yours to make comments in passing on how you and htey bring up children?

you sound unreasonable, aggressive and defensive

it's not mouthing off

and black is a terribly ageing colour and can;t be dyed over

They may have commented because they know more about what being an Emo is. You should really google more information as young girls getting into being an emo may be pushed into self harming and other things that you should be aware of. I was shocked when I learnt more about it as we had letters home from high school.
Just be aware its not just about hair colour.

Your DD is eleven and she is dying and cutting her hair in emo styles? I'm really sorry but that is terribly young, it wouldn't be so hard to compromise at that age or put it off for a while longer. She could have a really bad reaction to the dye esp black which is a difficult colour and pretty irreversable.

I think many people would raise a few eyebrows at this surely you see that?

It is just a hair colour. She isn't slitting her wrists. Trust me.
And i know i'm being slightly deffensive but it's not just that. My friend was also saying things like "You really need to stop letting your son watch such t.v programmes." and "Have you had any thoughts about resicting your childs friend." My dc's friends are nice imo, and harmless, just other teenagers.
It just kind of hurts to hear thoose things, and i guess i am over reacting. I love my friends loads but i feel they feel they are above me.

Really surprised to hear your DD's school allows dyed hair. Kids around here are automatically suspended if hair is coloured/shaved/too long/too short etc, until it has been "corrected".

This applies to EVERY school I'm acquainted with (all state comps BTW.)

Hooray! When I was 12 my mum started to let me dye my hair purple in the holidays! I loved it! Never did me any harm! ((I'm now never seen without my bright red hair, platforms and PVC...))

You're probably a great parent! Don't give a thought to what those people say x

If they're saying things like that then clearly they shouldn't be valued as a friend.

We've had similar where one of my wife's "friends" questioned the sexuality of our nine year old son.

An Emu is a large lightness bird, native to Australia, an Emo is a whinier than usual goth.

It doesn't mean we don't get on really well

Well .... I presume OP noticed a context and tone to the conversation, that possibly indicated a negative interpretation.

I think however that the "trick" can be to totally ignore any slightly pejorative tone and pretend the comment had indeed been made in an entirely open and positive way.
Can take practise.

You have to pick your battles, though, don't you as far as your children are concerned?

Both my children dyed their hair - not as young as 11, but by 13/14.

I always dreaded having an orange daughter with straightened bleached hair and ambitions to screw a footballer - I also dreaded having a son who wanted labelled sportswear.

I got two children who wanted black hair and to go to Slipknot concerts (amongst other bands) - I was pretty laid back about that even though the Slipknot lyrics are awful and the hair dye stained the bathroom tiles.

However, they are polite, well-mannered, highly motivated children who have great friends. If I'd forbidden them from having their hair dyed and listening to the music they liked, I don't think I would have had as good a relationship with them.

atswimtwolengths, same here. Dreaded my dd would ever want to be a WAG ( who would? )or my sons would ever be into thoose sorts of girls but turns out they are pretty laid back, quite polite (to everyone but me, ofcourse, only kidding) and i agree with you about forbidding them to listen to music they want to, i guess some people arn't as laid back as we are.

I wouldn't let a 12 year old dye her hair - mine would be sent home from school in any event because it's against the rules. And rightly so.

I think a bit of freedom is a good thing, yes, but if they're commenting regularly and aren't that restrictive of their own, maybe it's worth a think? After all 11 is not a teenager. It's still a child, IMO, moving towards the teenage years.

Your son's tv choices - if they're commenting on Eastenders then that's cotton woollish, yes, but if he's watching American Psycho then I'd tend to agree.

It's hard to know what to think without more context, tbh. Smothering isn't ideal, no, but kids do need parenting, too. And if yours hang out with theirs, and your rules are very much looser than they're comfortable with, they may be worried about their own boundaries being challenged.