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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be uncomfortable about extravagant presents for dcs

59 replies

godspeed · 19/12/2010 12:50

my brother lives abroad and sent a large parcel of christmas presents for my dcs. In total, there were larger and more gifts than father christmas was planning to bring them and also some overlap in type....I was having gifts delivered to his dcs but planned on about £15 if even that per child, whereas he has spent about £60-70 for each of mine...we come from a large family, with lots of nephews and nieces and just can't spend hundreds and hundreds on presents for them all. Well maybe I could but just would never dream of it....
what to do? I haven't ordered their gifts yet - should I try to match their generosity? We ended up exchanging some of what he sent us as there were overlaps with what father christmas is bringing/what we already have...

OP posts:
onceamai · 19/12/2010 12:56

Buy what you were planning to buy - it will probably all equal up over the years and he won't keep reciprocating like this.

purplepidjbauble · 19/12/2010 13:57

Rewrap and send some of the overlaps back - some toys are just soooo popular...

Lonnie · 19/12/2010 14:03

to late for this year but for next year suggest a price limit? I agree with onceamai send what you would have done and dont worry so much

pagwatch · 19/12/2010 14:10

I am in the very very lucky position of being able to treat those I love.
I would be upset and mortified if I thought they regarded that as pressure to spend more than they can afford.

My view is that they are as'generous as I am... Their£15 is as significant as my £50 or whatever. It may represent a bigger percentage of their disposable income than mine and may also be more thoughtful or more generously given.

The cost of a present is not the same as it's value. You are judging your brother by a poor standard if you think he gives only in order to receive.

I have been totally skintight and I can understand wishing to be able to reciprocate. But if it is someone who loves me I hope they will accept a gift in the spirit it is given. I love it when people are kind enough to let me spoil them

pagwatch · 19/12/2010 14:11

Skint not skintight. My arse would not permit skintight Grin

belgo · 19/12/2010 14:13

I agree totally with pagwatch.

Accept the gifts graciously and don't worry about the cost of the gifts you give in return.

orangepoo · 19/12/2010 14:20

pagwatch is right - within families, people are better off and worse off and this changes sometimes as well. When me and DH were both earning well, had no kids and small bills, then we bought family members better stuff than they bought us. Now, my DB is in that position and he splashes out on my kids, for which I am grateful. When he was skint, he would spent £0-£5 on us, which was totally fine. We limit spending on presents now as we have stacks of bills!

Anyway, as long as it is an accurate fact that your brother is "richer" than you, then it would be fine for you to send the presents as you had intended. This is on the proviso that you are not a scrooge living in a big mansion - in which case, yes, match his spending on his kids.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 19/12/2010 14:22

Spend what you can afford to spend. It is not a competition.

Either he is giving with a generous heart the best he can afford (just as you are giving with a generous heart the best you can afford) or he is materialistic, will expect the same back and when he doesn't get it, won't spend the same amount again.

Either way, there's no problem.

Flumptious · 19/12/2010 14:27

I do agree with Pagwatch and the others, but, if you're the one who's never been able to afford to be generous, it does feel awkward. No getting around it imho.

winnybella · 19/12/2010 14:28

Tbh, I'm always happy when dcs get nice gifts from family- I imagine people buy stuff that makes them happy to give iyswim- I don't see a problem here at all.

For example, we're skint this year, and I'm spending around £20 for DD (although at 22 mo, I probably woudn't spend hundreds on her anyway)- I'm sure some of the gifts from extended family will be more expensive-but that's because granny or uncle want to buy that and it's nice for her.

A bit Confused that you have an issue with it.

mollymax · 19/12/2010 14:28

Agree with pagwatch.
If you did still feel uncomfortable maybe suggest an amount.
My friends and I do this at Christmas and birthdays, makes it easier for us.

Flumptious · 19/12/2010 15:27

Winnybella,

I don't think the op has an issue with it, just says she feels uncomfortable with it.

I feel exactly the same. My brother is spending upwards of £30 each on my two, I can't afford to spend the same on his. I know he won't be offended, but I still feel like shit.

winnybella · 19/12/2010 15:44

Sorry, misread the OP- what Pag says Smile

Original poster
godspeed · 19/12/2010 20:02

sorry, was out for the day...thanks for the opinions but to explain further - he is not (I think) actually loads and loads richer than us, probably a good bit richer but we aren't totally skint...it is not so black and white as that, I just can't imagine actually spending 75 quid on each of my 15 nephews and nieces.
In the past and as a sort of unspoken rule in the family, none of us have ever spent more than about a tenner on each others' kids - I really don't know why he has gone so overboard this year, and don't necessarily think he expects total reciprocation but just think it is a bit over the top to spend this much on my kids and feel very weird about it.

OP posts:
purplepidjbauble · 19/12/2010 21:46

If he lives abroad, has he done what we do for my american cousins and sent all the christmas and birthday gifts for the year in one parcel to save postage??

Original poster
godspeed · 19/12/2010 22:46

purplepid... no, he arranged for them to be delivered from amazon uk so no postage..
Is the solution to spend a little more than what I was going to and then ask for a price limit next year? Would that be acceptable?
And tbh I do feel a bit put out by the extravagance, with 15 newphews and nieces I think it sets an impossibly high precedent and I feel a bit - almost - bullied by it

OP posts:
purplepidjbauble · 19/12/2010 23:10

It's his problem. Spend what you can afford and be fair to the nieces and nephews, who you love equally Xmas Smile

jollyoldstnickschick · 19/12/2010 23:17

I think he is your brother and your dcs uncle - if he wants to send fab gifts -let your children have fab uncle godspeed in america.

Dont worry about matching the gifts - give what you think,hes giving what he thinks isnt he?

Would any of you really post on here 'I spent £40 on my nieces xmas present only to receive a £4 peppa pig gift back?' - no you wouldnt.

Accept the gifts in the spirit of which they were sent.

I have a brother that shoots so much stuff up his arm he cant even remember xmas day Sad.

classydiva · 19/12/2010 23:25

You sound ungrateful to be honest. Take them and accept them in the spirit they were sent.

YOu spend what you can afford and let him do what he wishes.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 19/12/2010 23:26

Don't worry about matching the price.

TBH I felt a bit bullied re: Christmas gifts this year too.

My sister asked us what we were buying the parent for Christmas - I flippantly said I was putting cash inside mum's card so she could buy what she wanted... but never knew what to buy for dad.

There are 8 of us in our family & they end up with a load of tat.. so money (£20) is usually better.

Anyway, she said she had a brother were talking about us all collecting money for a largish gift for dad (a camcorder) and I said yes, count my £20 in. So last week I get an email from her saying, oh, we changed the camcorder to a TV so I need £20 more off you, and by the way, we all decided we would give mum the same amount in a card from everyone & she can choose her own gift...

I was fuckin ragin... so there's £40 extra, im being told to hand over... Angry

Mind you, with this snow I haven't seen any of them, so I might just stick the money into two cards & fuck the lot of them!

forehead · 19/12/2010 23:31

OP, i think that you are being rather unfair. At one point, my dsis had more money and spent loads on my dc's, i wasn't able to reciprocate but did not feel uncomfortable in any way. She is my sister fgs. Now i am in a better position financially i am able to spend a bit more on my nieces and nephews
I think that you have other issues which are bothering you. Just thank your brother for the lovely presents and let your dc's enjoy their presents.

twirlymum · 19/12/2010 23:32

OP, you say you haven't ordered their presents yet- you do know it's the 20th tomorrow? Xmas Smile I would be more concerned with getting that done.
I'm sure your DC's will enjoy the gifts.

Original poster
godspeed · 19/12/2010 23:39

twirlymum: I know, they are in the middle of moving house so I've arranged not to order the presents to be delivered until they know when they'll be in the new house.

forehead: I did thank him profusely but feel it is really shifting the goalposts to suddenly spend literally 10 times the amount on gifts than any of us have ever done before. I'm not privy to my siblings' bank accounts, but a couple clearly have loads more money than the rest of us but we've all tended to spend similar amounts on each others' kids in previous years. Say someone in your family always spent a tenner on presents for your kids, and so that was the 'level' you usually operated on, and then suddenly they spent £150. I suppose I just think it is a bit weird, and a bit embarrassing

OP posts:
tingletangle · 19/12/2010 23:40

I would let it pass this year but make your feelings clear for next year. My dd is the only grandchild, neice etc on both sides of our family. There were a few years when I felt that people were spending too much on her. I spoke to people and requested they spent no more than £15-20 because as her parents that is all we would spend. The problem has never happened again

Original poster
godspeed · 19/12/2010 23:45

thank you tingletangle. I suppose I suddenly thought well I could I suppose in theory spend £200 on his 3 kids but as I am only spending about £50 on mine, it would seem very bizarre. We make more effort with him and his dcs than they do with us so thats probably a bit of the irritation, I'd rather 'generosity' came in terms of time, attention and interest than pouring money into gifts

OP posts: