to be uncomfortable about extravagant presents for dcs

[godspeed]

my brother lives abroad and sent a large parcel of christmas presents for my dcs. In total, there were larger and more gifts than father christmas was planning to bring them and also some overlap in type....I was having gifts delivered to his dcs but planned on about £15 if even that per child, whereas he has spent about £60-70 for each of mine...we come from a large family, with lots of nephews and nieces and just can't spend hundreds and hundreds on presents for them all. Well maybe I could but just would never dream of it....
what to do? I haven't ordered their gifts yet - should I try to match their generosity? We ended up exchanging some of what he sent us as there were overlaps with what father christmas is bringing/what we already have...

Agree with pagwatch also, we are a lot wealthier than most of our siblings so take every opportunity to spoil them as much as possible. I don't expect anything in return and would be hurt if they were sent back.

My sisters have never said anything, this may be because I set myself up pretty early in the rich (and childless at that time) aunt role.

One of the best things about having money IMO is being able to spend it on people you love. What is the point of it otherwise?

This year my inlaws have gone mental with gifts for our DCs, I know this because they have checked what they would like and have spent an incredible amount. All good with me, I have simply scaled down the presents from us so that it doesn't go overboard.

Why not give your DC's your brother's gifts as their 'main' pressies and just ease up on the stuff you/FC were going to give them? 2 birds 1 stone.

That's interesting Morloth. We are in a similar situation to you and I was very happy to play that role. But when the SIL's children came along, I started to get messages back from MIL that x wasn't quite right, and could I make sure in future that y was provided, etc, etc. Don't ever recall a thank you and after a year or two I just stopped altogether. Absolutely nothing came back the other way and after a few years I decided nothing more.

At various point in our life, my brother and I have had an unequal 'spending money on presents' relationship

At some point when we were both at home, i got him a Warhammer set and he got me a market watch. Utterly fair - I was 18 and earning, he was 13 and not.

2 years ago, I got him a nivea shaving kit (lame, but i was SO skint and he has sensitive skin) and he got me a big bottle of chanel no. 5.

He's my brother, it doesn't matter. I get him what i can, he probably does the same. he gets a gift because he's my brother, not because he's got me one.

AFAIK, money doesn't make good bedding. It's best to make people happy with it.

I know how you feel OP, for years my DB and DSil were childless both earning in good paid jobs and therefore often the kids got more from them than they did from us.

(Although they were amazing - wrapped up some of the gifts from Father Christmas and not from them because they knew we were struggling to afford things for the kids)

At that time I was a SAHM and my DH was still studying law whereas they were both deputy headteachers of a school.

Now, we are in a position to be able to spoil them and their DC (9 month old twins) as my DSil is now a SAHM and my DB has had a pay freeze.

I sometimes did feel a bit guilty as they often got homemade presents (mugs painted by the DC, decorated photo frames etc.) however, my DB said that they were worth more to him than some materialistic tat as the DC had put thought and effort into them.

Your brother probably doesn't intend to make you feel uncomfortable but maybe just wanted to treat your kids?

I would send what you were going to send anyway.

I really do take your point flumptious.

We have only had money in recent years and I was treated for a while by one rich friend. It is not easy to accept feeling like the 'needy' one (that is not the right word but you know what I mean)
That is why I value those who indulge me and let me treat them.
And it is all about the intent of the gift giver. If they love me and want me and my dcs to be happy I hope I can put my doubts to one side and be gracious.

And don't forget if you are perceived as wealthy then you get into Rick and a hard place territory. I respected one sisters criticisms of me about being 'flash ' and arrogant and gave her and dcs quite modest gifts. I then had to endure her complaints about my being a tight bitch and not liking her children.
It is the pub thing.. If you pay for the rounds you are a flash wanker, if you just lay your share you are actight wanker.

It is tricky

Rick and a hard place sounds like an Indy band

Rock....

Buy a gift that you think your nieces will like, that's what Christmas is all about. Perhaps your brother was feeling generous, that's up to him.

And have a lovely Christmas I hope your DCs get something lovely.

I then had to endure her complaints about my being a tight bitch and not liking her children

that is horrible, what a nasty attitude. We are not 'needy' we just have a different budget. Point taken about being gracious but for sure next year I will have to just say we want a price limit on gifts and my dcs only need 'token' presents. I do think that if you spend huge amounts of money on other peoples' kids you should be aware it might make the parents uncomfortable - 'generosity' can be perceived as an imposition believe it or not

I think there's 2 issues here-
You had tradition of spending about £10 and without consultation he's spent a lot more so you feel a biy wrong footed.

You feel it's a bit ott to spend that much whatever your income.

Have you helped him out a lot this year with good advice or favours? Is there any reason he'd be feeling sentimental such as new baby/significant birthday that's made him reflect on how much you all mean to him.

I know I have bigged up gifts a bit in the past when someone has allowed me to lean on them in a big way. I also know I'll be spending more on a good friend who's just split up from her dh as she needs to know she's cared about and that's one way of showing it.

The feeling it's ott what ever is something I really relate to. We were always a comfortably off family (though my mum came from very poor roots) and it was made very clear that expensive gifts were not the done thing at all. In fact people that gave them were put in the same category as people who gave their children tvs in their bedrooms and other (according to my mum) awfully common things like that!

It's really hard to let go of that attitude and accept gifts graciously and in the spirit they were intended.

godspeed

"We are not 'needy' we just have a different budget..."

i know - that is why i said ' that is not the right word but you know what i mean'

obviously you didn't.

i was trying to describe the sensation of being on a budget which is far more restricted than someone elses.. it is like a slight diminishing of your sense of significance, a feeling of being a little less. , a sort of junior partner. Except that is not of course reality. it is only the trick that the situation can play with your mind if you allow it. it often has nothing to do with the gift giver and everything about the feelings of the recipient

defineme - that is it, I suppose I feel wrong-footed. If everyone spent the same then it sort of takes away the materialistic aspect a bit and any chance of someone feeling diminished, and also maybe helps children understand it is the giving rather than content that really matters.

And yes, I think it is completely OTT to spend that much

And I understand about the treating someone - I gave a friend's dd a lovely birthday gift recently as the friend is having a hard time.

With my brother, I have had a hardish time recently (fairly severe medical-wise) and he wasn't exactly 'there' for me, as in he visited our home town for a work do a couple of days after I got out of hospital but didn't come and see me or even call as he was too busy.

So to me giving generously should be of time and attention rather than boxes of toys!

Ah, if he is not there to support you and thinks gifts are a substitute for that, then I would Ferlinghetti uncomfortable too. Gift giving is part of a loving relationship not the basis of it.

I often spend loads but My dcs still value thought and gesture behind gift rather than cost. Dds fav present from her last birthday was a cushion that a friend chose for her for her bed.

Ferlinghetti
Bloody auto correct.....

Loving your typos on this thread pag :o

I agree with you - my parents have some very wealthy friends who always bought us very expensive gifts for presents/birthdays and I never felt my parents were stingy because they had bought us less, just that I knew that £150 to the family friend was 'worth' about £50 to my parents iyswim. When I have been flush, I have been very generous. Now I am not so much, I spend less but hope the gifts are as appreciated as the more expensive ones.

I have an affection for Rick and a Hard Place, I confess.
I think the iPad is going to force me to proof read.....

YANBU to feel uncomfortable - I think I would feel a bit like that too.

I would definitely not adjust the amount you spend on his DCs though. That would shift the amount up every year! Just do what you would normally do and thank him, as normal. I would guess he was just feeling flush that day and didn't really think about what he was doing - just thought he was treating them.

I think it is easy to make mistakes being over-generous and not really thinking about how that may make the other person feel. If DH and I want to treat a member of our family or friends to something quite extravagent we are careful not to do it at Christmas or Birthday, as that can set up an unfair obligation or guilt. Maybe we have it wrong also though. It is hard. I am sure his intentions were 100% kind though and expects nothing more 'in return'.

TBH, I think most of us would overlook the discomfort of the recipient over giving them a fabulous gift. In our more flush days I definitely spent loads on others, the thought of them being so delighted was my only goal.

seatrek - thanks for understanding, i feel a bit miserly that i begrudge that his gifts are so OTT and that i can't bring myself to reciprocate (i.e. spend more on his kids than on my own).

Who knows what the next year will bring financially, and I don't want my kids expectations to be so heightened regarding what they are entitled to.

I think whatever your budget or financial situation wyou should respect the wishes of the recipient's family .

I could afford to spoil my daughter with material gifts, I choose not to. I have spent years teaching my daughter that. Christmas is not about gifts but helping those less fortunate, our faith and being with family. If some rich aunty decided to splash the cash it would undermine our Christmas.

thank you tingletangle, I think that is what I mean although I don't have it as fully worked out. I find it a bit depressing the number of posts on aibu from people complaining about the gifts they are or aren't given. As explained, the siutuation is not what I can 'afford' in material terms but how far I feel pressurised into a totally ott spending spree...as it is, I am spending about £400 on presents between nephews nieces parents husband children etc and just can't see how spending ten times that is ever a good idea

I think that is admirable.
I am fortunate that I have managed to impress upon my children the spirit of kindness, compassion and generosity in a sufficiently robust way that it would not be undermined by a gift from a relative.

I would be a bit concerned tbh at the strength of the lessons given over many years if it could all be blown out of the water by some auntie gifting one of them a wii.

pagwatch: how do you know it is sufficiently robust? my kids are still pretty tiny and I don't think it is overly pious or weird to try to avoid emphasising the materialistic aspect of christmas. Fgs, look how many posters on AIBU are whining about their mil buying their kids hideous presents and so on

Well ds1 helps out at a disability charity over Christmas and asked for a bike so that he could have transport at uni. He is adamant that that is so expensive he does not want anything else. He is making his presents for his girlfriend as he feels it is more personal.

Dd put a fluffy go walkies on her Christmas list and nothing else.

They both know we could afford way more than that but haven't asked for anything else.

I think that ds1 at 17 is old enough to be fairly well formed in his views and he is not the slightest bit materialistic. I have every hope that dd would be the same.

They understand in the strongest possible way that money is luck and stuff is nice but does not ultimately make you happy.

You can teach those lessons whether you buy them things or not.

And fwiw I didn't say it was pious or weird, I said it was admirable.
My only issue is with the idea that only by not having stuff can you possibly teach a child that materialism is not the main thrust of Christmas, that only through strict denial can a child learn to be charitable or kind