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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dp not having friends is a bit suspicous?

47 replies

whethergirl · 18/12/2010 22:38

Ok, there are obviously other issues which I have already posted elswhere about, so this isn't really about how I feel about our relationship as such.

But I remember quite early on in the relationship being aware that he did not have a large/strong circle of friends. His 'close' friends are people who live in his home town that he grew up with and is hardly ever in contact with. Apart from that, he "knows" people, maybe one or two could be classed as friends, but in the whole 9 months I've been with him he has not met up with, visited or been visited by any friends. I have not met one friend of his. He rarely talks about friends.

AIBU to think this is a bit Hmm and suspicious as to what that says about him?

OP posts:
RockinRobinBird · 18/12/2010 22:45

Why? I don't have many friends, I have loads of people I get on with but very few actual friends. I'm not a very sociable creature. Doesn't make me strange or dodgy.

Pantofino · 18/12/2010 22:56

Um, I think you need to take context into account here. My DH for example, is 53. He has very few close friends that he sees. But then, we moved abroad. If you look at his FB account, he has many, many people that he knows - and people he counts as friends who might happen to be in Australia say, who he actually hasn't SEEN for years.

On the other hand, if he only ever sees you, and not anyones else, this would worry me a bit.

Piggles · 18/12/2010 22:59

I have very few friends and don't see them very often and I don't think I am a weirdo Hmm

For one thing, I just prefer solitary activities - reading, gaming, writing, cooking, crafting and am not massively sociable anyway. I also like staying at home over having to faff about and make the effort to go out.

I am also very selective about people I choose to spend time with. Would rather be home alone than out with people just for the sake of it.

BeenBeta · 18/12/2010 23:00

I wouldn't say it was suspicious in itself.

Some people just dont have a wide circle of friends or need friendships to be happy.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 18/12/2010 23:04

DH does not have any close friends, we have friends who we are friendswith as a couple, but thats it.

jugglingjo · 18/12/2010 23:06

I think you're very wise to think this over.

I'd say it's not a great feature in a (potential/ continuing ) partnership.

One or two close friends and several acquaintances would be encouraging ! Xmas Smile

SingingTunelessly · 18/12/2010 23:10

Not suspicious on its own. BUT you obviously dont feel comfortable for some reason and you should listen to your gut instinct maybe?

Pantofino · 18/12/2010 23:12

To me it is different to be single and NOT see anyone ever, than when you are in a relationship, especially with dcs. It kind of becomes normal to not go out so much, and you have each other, and you are knackered etc. A single man with NO friends, and NO social life at all would bother me.

Original poster
whethergirl · 18/12/2010 23:18

Pantofino, exactly he does only ever see me. He has met many of my friends and I haven't met any of his.

But good to see different points of view from people who don't need friendships. I don't really go out very much since having ds so did lose touch with a lot of my going out friends, however remain in contact with true friends who have always been there regardless of lifestyle.

I suppose SingingTunelessly I didn't feel comforatable with it because it's just different to my experience, and can't see how you can manage to get to the age of 5o and not build friendships along the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 18/12/2010 23:20

Not saying it's normal to have loads of friends btw. Ex had loads of friends and he was a pretentious wanker, current dp is much nicer person that ex ever was.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 18/12/2010 23:23

Hmmm - just wondering as well, is this why he is a bit needy with me, and so consumed by our relationship. I just don't think you can get everything from one person, and that's why you need friends.

OP posts:
JaneS · 18/12/2010 23:27

I think having very few friends is quite normal. But none? That's a bit odd.

LaWeaselMys · 18/12/2010 23:31

Well, what's he like around your friends?

DP doesn't bother much with most of his friends from his school/uni, but we have mutual friends, that were really my friends first.

Point being, if he is able to be friendly with other people, not overly possessive with you, happy for you to share your time even if when you are out with friends he is just on his own, then I don't think it's a big deal.

If he makes no effort with new people or doesn't want you to be friend's with others then that's a pretty bad sign.

OTheHugeManatee · 18/12/2010 23:31

It's not weird in itself. But if you're a sociable person and like to see lots of people, then in the long term you might not be compatible, eg if you want to see people a few times a week and he just wants to stay in. If he's odd/clingy about you seeing people, and you're feeling stifled, then it's definitely worth weighing up for long-term happiness.

Original poster
whethergirl · 18/12/2010 23:36

No he's not possesive, and fine about me seeing my friends, and he is happy to hang out with them too. He is actually very sociable and good with my friends so surprising he doesn't have any of his own. I would feel lost without mine but maybe that's because I'M the one with the problem!

OP posts:
LaWeaselMys · 18/12/2010 23:43

Well, if he seems sociable, maybe he would like friends and just lost contact? Drifted away from his couple friends after a break-up?

Obviously I don't know him! If it's something that bothers you, (especially since you apparently have other issues) then I don't know if it matters especially whether it's logical that it bothers you, just that it does.

Original poster
whethergirl · 19/12/2010 00:00

He did have mutual friends from his ex wife, but I think they were all really hers. Maybe I'm just picking faults because I'm having doubts anyway. You know how you do.

OP posts:
DadIsSad · 19/12/2010 00:18

I don't really have any friends - but then I probably am a bit odd I suppose. Not even the "close" friends described by the OP, as I'm not really still in contact with anybody from school or uni. I can think of one person locally who I might consider to be a friend - as in I'd have a chat on the phone in the way you might with a friend - but then I've never been down the pub for a drink with him or anything like that, and go months without speaking to him. If I were to get married again now I have no idea who I'd have as my best man (it would seem really weird to have the guy I mention above - I'm sure I wasn't even on the long list for his wedding).

Is that suspicious? Just a bit sad really - I had some very good friends at uni and even for a few years after, but think I pretty much lost them all when I started taking sport very seriously and had no time for them. Now I'm not doing that any more I have no time due to family, and no idea how to go about finding friends.

Maybe your partner wishes he had more friends and you should be sympathetic rather than suspicious?

ShanahansRevenge · 19/12/2010 01:06

I am like your DP...I have only a very select few friends and none are from the same "group"...I just don't "do" big groups...I cannot spread myself that thin.

It sounds like you haven't met this type before...but we're not weird honest. Just not like you...

onceamai · 19/12/2010 01:51

Have you met his family? Are you concerned he has something to hide? How did you meet, presumably not through mutual friends?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 19/12/2010 01:58

i am having mega deja vu with this thread

porto i knew every word of your first post before i read it Hmm

anyway, OP i have very few friends. i have a 'best friend' who i have known since college and was my birthing partner with ds1 but who hasn't visited my house in over a year, rarely texts and only wants to go out if her DH is out doing something else, which is rare as they are attatched at the hip.

i have a neighbour who i am quite close to. we have a lot in common and she is a friend but we don't go out and rarely would call in on each other for tea. we just see each otehr when we see each other.

otehr 'friends' aren't really friends, more like people i know from ds1's school, breastfeeding group or through family.

no-one calls to my house. i mean no-one. except my dad when he is fixing something for me. and I've stopped visiting people because tehy never return it.

I'm single so i have no OH with friends to socialise with either.

MummieHunnie · 19/12/2010 02:04

I used to have LOADS of friends and people in my life, I have very few now, I went through a difficult time and reevaluated relationships as I came to a realisation that they were not good for me, I became a bit of a recluse for me it has done me the world of good I have become very self reliant and self sufficent, the length of the situation of hermit type life self imposed was not helped by mobility limitations and I am just coming out of that now thankfully. I am a single parent as ILIWYCMB, and I worry that people will judge me harshly for not having many people in my life!

GraceAwayInAManger · 19/12/2010 03:02

I've let nearly all my friends (and family) drift, for much the same reasons as MummieHunnie. I am changing, and I don't want the kinds of friendships I had before. I still have about 110 facebook friends, though, most of whom I'd be very happy to see for a night out - they're all in London, and I can't get back there very often.

I think it depends what he says about this - and, most importantly, what your feelings tell you. If all his previous friends were his X's and now they're all your friends, it sounds very much like he hasn't got what it takes to make & keep a friend; needs a girlfriend to get a life Hmm

Have you ever talked to his ex, wethergirl?

threefeethighandrising · 19/12/2010 03:40

No friends, being needy and consumed by your relationship ring warning bells for me tbh.

Laurtopsy · 19/12/2010 04:06

I don't have many friends and rarely go out to socialise. I text my close friends, phone them, e-mail them, Facebook them, meet up for coffee when possible with two young DD's but considering they are largely childless it's rare we have them here unless there is a celebration and alcohol involved.

DF is, self-admittedly a loner. He has a lot of people he knows, a lot of people know him, he has many acquaintances who ask him out all the time but he refuses. He is changing and now he has a family his priorities have shifted and he doesn't want to be in the booze culture they have adopted as part of their daily routines. Whereas they are mid-twenties and doing what you'd expect most immature, responsibilityless (it IS a word Wink) guys would do, he feels like he's in a different place. He's not anti-social by any means. If we're out and see people we'll drink with them, talk with them etc and he's friends with my friends but he's just not really interested in 'real' friends of his own.

I don't think it's a sign of oddity but it could be a potential warning sign accompanied with other evidence.

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