Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think dp not having friends is a bit suspicous?

47 replies

whethergirl · 18/12/2010 22:38

Ok, there are obviously other issues which I have already posted elswhere about, so this isn't really about how I feel about our relationship as such.

But I remember quite early on in the relationship being aware that he did not have a large/strong circle of friends. His 'close' friends are people who live in his home town that he grew up with and is hardly ever in contact with. Apart from that, he "knows" people, maybe one or two could be classed as friends, but in the whole 9 months I've been with him he has not met up with, visited or been visited by any friends. I have not met one friend of his. He rarely talks about friends.

AIBU to think this is a bit Hmm and suspicious as to what that says about him?

OP posts:
feistychickfightingthebull · 19/12/2010 09:05

I too am like your dp. I dropped 99% of my friends over a few years after reevaluating and realising t that they we no longer had anything in common. I am a longer, hate going out, love being at home with my family and just chilling. I find the whole idea of maintaining friendships pretty draining too so love not having to call them and spend hours on the phone. I am very friendly and pretty sociable too but I just have no desire to cultivate any sort of friendships at all. Maybe your dp feels the same way too

feistychickfightingthebull · 19/12/2010 09:07

Sorry that should read loner and not longer

Longtinsellyjosie · 19/12/2010 09:15

I don't know what your "other issues" are, I missed those threads, but it seems to me you're not happy and you're building up a body of evidence to convince yourself it's time to knock the relationship on the head.

This wouldn't be a deal-breaker if the relationship was fine.

whethergirl · 19/12/2010 22:22

Mixed opinions although posters who describe themselves having no friends certainly are not weird and have good reasons - even if it is that they've lost contact, or not very sociable or whatever. I guess I've never really asked him about it, which is why I'm a bit suspicious I suppose but he could just come up with a reasonable explanation as some of you have done.

I'm very lucky in that I have a large extended family with lots of cousins, many who I would consdier my very close and best friends, so even if I had no other non family friends, they would be enough for me.

DadIsSad - yes, maybe I should feel sympathetic rather than suspicious - assuming that it bothers him at all.

onceamai - he doesn't have any family, just his dd who I have met. We met through an dating website. But no, not concerned he has something to hide as such, just suspicious as to why he hasn't managed to maintain friendships.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo - when you say you stopped visiting people because they don't return it, do you mean you would just pop over? Or would they invite you? I wouldn't ever turn up unannounced and wouldn't expect anyone to do the same. TBH most friends that do the visiting thing are normally the ones with dc's that get on with my ds.

Sorry MummieHunnie - but what's ILIWYCMB?

GraceAwayInAManger - haven't spoken to his ex although I think it's pending and the vibes are good (her dd spends some wkds at mine).

threefeethighandrising - yeh, I think those three things together is what makes it suspicious.

OP posts:
igetmorelovefromthecat · 19/12/2010 22:28

My ex had no friends, I found out over the course of our 9 month relationship.

Seemed quite normal, but we split up after 9 months and then he proceeded to stalk me and make my life hell in really horrendous ways for another 6 months.

Hopefully that won't happen to you though. I expect he's just not that outgoing.

Actuallawyer · 19/12/2010 22:48

It can be really difficult to meet people and make new friends as an adult. Once you're out of education, you meet people through work but some jobs are solitary and limited. Unless you have sociable hobbies, it takes a load of effort to meet new people. If your old friends have moved away/settled down or you've just grown apart then that can leave you a bit friendless.

Not a reason to chuck him IMO.

whethergirl · 19/12/2010 22:58

god no, wouldn't chuck him over that. Just trying to work him out.

OP posts:
maighdlin · 19/12/2010 23:03

im married to one of them. DH when i met him had two friends, one drifted away due to stupid reasons, and the other he still sees but he has gone six months without seeing him, and when he does its in one of their houses and they watch films or play games.

i don't get it but its just who he is. although it annoys me that he won't try to understand MY need for friends.

pigletmania · 19/12/2010 23:12

My dh is the same, he has a few very close friends which he meets every now and again, nothing wrong with that. Better to have a few friends that you can rely on, than loads of fairweather friends. Some people are just not sociable does not mean there is anything wrong with them, thats how they are. He might just be happy to be with you and his family and thats fine for him.

greenbananas · 20/12/2010 00:20

My DH had very few friends when I met him, but that turned out to be because he had made a conscious decision to move away from the rather destructive lifestyle they were all leading (I really respect him for that!) Sometimes he gets upset about being lonely, but that is changing over time as he forms more healthy friendships.

Some years ago I felt like I had no friends at all, following a really nasty break-up. It's a horrible feeling!

Obviously I don't know your DP, and Im afraid I missed your earlier threads... but I wonder if it might be worth trying to talk to him (tactfully!) about why he seems to be so isolated. The reasons might surprise you.

MummieHunnie · 20/12/2010 00:37

I was referring to another poster Wheathergirl, shortening their name by using initials x

WrappedandTagged · 20/12/2010 01:37

How old is he? I think the "no friends" thing is exceedingly common in men (in particular) in their thirties/ forties and ESPECIALLY common in men who are divorced.

One of the main reasons IMO is that men are a bit socially lazy so once they get in a LT relationship, their OH tends to make the plans, so then the bloke's mates become just the OH's of their partner.

Then when they get divorced, the friends all end up in the wife camp because it's the women who are really friends with one another, not the men.

i also think men invest less in friendships than women. Men tend not to be as fussy I find. DH is happy to chat to most blokes on a night out but doesnt feel the need to have chats on the phone/ text etc. Same with his sport friends. He sees them when he plays sport, but if he stoped, he'd prob never see them again and wouldnt particularly lament it.

onmyfeet · 20/12/2010 03:46

Have you seen the film "I Love You Man?"
It is about a woman who is concerned because her bf has no make friends.

nogreythatmatters · 20/12/2010 08:34

The fact that a man, especially one who is middle aged has no friends or just 1 close friend should raise alarm bells.
I would be very suspicious.

NinkyNonker · 20/12/2010 08:37

Most of my friends now live abroad and I'm not in touch with anyone I grew up with. I'm not weird.

QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 20/12/2010 08:51

Well, he is in his fifties, male, divorced, and no friends that you know of. What does he do for a living? Is it a job that brings him into contact with a lot of people? Does he have many colleagues? Does he work in a team? Is he a long distance lorry driver? Barman? Salesman? You dont have to answer that, just think if he has an occupation which is largely solitary or not.

I read somewhere that most people built their most important friendships in primary school, and have their closest friends where they grew up. Does he live in his home town? Or has he moved?

Otherwise people have fleeting friends through work and groups, and these often dont last when you change your job, join another group etc.

Most of your friends are through your child.

He is divorced. He neved did the "mother and baby circuit", so did not build friends there. He is divorced, and his wife kept the friends.

If he lives in his home town, has stayed in the same job the last decades, and have no friends, I might be a little concerned.
But if he has moved, gotten divorced, changed jobs, etc, it is quite normal not to have built new friendships. It takes effort, and is quite difficult outside the confines of education and motherhood.

Friends come and go! There is nothing weird about that in itself.

nogreythatmatters · 20/12/2010 10:18

Good friends do not come and go - they are there for the duration of your lfe.

If someone does not have friends and is incapable of meeting new friends wherever they live, it is a very strange situation.

There is a reason why people do not have friends and that fact should raise suspicion

BeenBeta · 20/12/2010 10:37

Maybe this is an odd thing to say but I find it strange when people have a lot of friends. People with a lot of friends are often very insecure, needy and unhappy in my experience.

WrappedandTagged - I think you really nailed with "men invest less in friendships than women". I am pretty much how your DH is.

whethergirl - this sounds good to me "...fine about me seeing my friends, and he is happy to hang out with them too. He is actually very sociable and good with my friends."

Just ask him about it.

GraceAwayInAManger · 20/12/2010 16:32

Good friends do not come and go - they are there for the duration of your life.

I envy people like you, nogreythatmatters, but am stigmatised by this belief. My parents moved house every 2 years, so I didn't "grow up with" anyone other than my sibs. I've had good adult friends for stretches of around 10-15 years at a time, but they end when major life changes alter the circumstances.

Lots of people lack lifetime friends for reasons beyond their control. I feel concerned about the OP's partner in that he seems to have a history of depending on his women for a social life - but I have fallen victim to others' assumptions that a lack of long-term friends means there's something wrong with my friendship!

Ephiny · 20/12/2010 16:48

I've had periods in my life where I've been pretty lonely and had no social life, it's how things go sometimes, especially if you move around a lot for work and/or study. It can be hard to stay in touch with people when you end up living far apart, and sometimes you get so busy with work and family life that you don't make the effort required to keep up a long-distance friendship. Not everyone finds it easy to make new friends either, and sometimes your circumstances aren't really conducive to socialising and making friends.

Also, I think it's quite normal to not ever have a 'large circle of friends', and not everyone wants to! Many of us like our own company and are more focused on home and family life than going out socialising all the time, and quite happy to just have one or two friends who we see or chat to occasionally.

DadIsSad · 21/12/2010 00:13

"There is a reason why people do not have friends and that fact should raise suspicion"

Which is? I'd love to know how I fix it - don't particularly like raising suspicion.

Ephiny · 21/12/2010 09:54

There are all kinds of reasons why people don't have friends, most of which are not at all 'suspicious' Hmm

New posts on this thread. Refresh page