AIBU to not want MIL to fly in on her broomstick in January

[foggyfig]

I know that there have been a lot of MIL threads here recently so I will apologise for starting another.

My MIL and I have always had a 'polite' relationship. I have always bitten my tongue when she has criticised me or my parenting skills, until a few years ago. Have always welcomed her to my house, encouraged H to visit her, and done all the right things so that she saw the DC as much as possible.

Five years ago my dear Mum passed away. While I was in the midst of funeral preparations, all MIL could do was ring up every day to hassle H about how she wanted to go the funeral but didn't know how to get there as it was too far for her to drive. It was all about her, too bad that I was in the middle of a very tumultous time in my life.

I appreciated that she wanted to go to the funeral but did not think it was our responsibility. I wanted to be able to drive with my family so that we could have family time before the service.

The end result was that my eldest son (18 at the time) was coerced into driving her and H's sister. I was furious but held it together.

Roll on 12 months, and MIL rang up the night before my birthday and as was her habit, chatted to H, and then asked him to say Happy Birthday. That was when I lost my temper over her behaviour that had been ongoing over the previous 20 years.

H wanted us to discuss it over the phone, but I refused to. She has a habit of twisting words. Because I wouldn't talk to her she wrote me a letter. In it she outlined the fact that she never wanted us to marry, I was not a good wife, I never did family stuff (totally untrue, I did a lot of family stuff), I helped her with her husband when he needed respite care, organised family Christmas functions etc.

The upshot of this was that she decided to never come and stay with us again. Thank God, I thought.

Carry on to now, earlier in the year, MIL booked herself into a hostel to live, but hates it. Whinges about it all the time.

In January H's sisters are going away for a month. Because she hates her hostel so much H has asked MIL to come here for a week. She has said yes.

AIBU to think that she should have kept her promise and not darkened my doorstep again?

AIBU to think H is a little of line by asking her to visit before he asked me if I minded her to visit?

PS:please forgive any spelling or grammar mistakes.

Tricky. I think DH should have asked you - regardless of any ill feeling it's just plain rude to make big plans like that without consulting your OH!

YANBU. if I were you I'd say to DH that you don't mind her coming for a day or 2 but not a whole week. And I'd watch out as I bet that visit could easily be extended if she hates living in her hostel.

OMG! tinselthechaffinch, now you have me worried. I never thought about that!

I really wouldn't want her to stay either - especilly after all the comments in her letter. Does your H think it's ok to recieve such a letter - then invite her to stay? I'd either put my foot down and say she is not welcome or take the kids and go on holiday/visit friends while she spends time with H.

Given that your MIL had stated that she would never come to stay again it seems quite bizarre that she would want to. Perhaps she is becoming senile ...
Would she not realise that it may be quite awkward all round?

Or is she expecting that in the event of any friction arising, your DH will take her side?

And, will he?

This will make me sound awful but I have ongoing issues with my MIL too and in your situation she wouldn't be coming back to my house again and I'd be damn sure my DH knew my thoughts on the situation.

I'd be all for him maintaining a relationship with her if he wanted to visit there, or if finances allow offer 2 nights in a b&b and he can see her in the days but she sure as hell wouldn't be in my house. She has made it very clear in her letter that the 'polite' relationship is over.

What does your H's sisters going away have to do with her deciding to visit at that time? Do she normally spend a lot of time at their homes? Could she not go and house-sit for one of them instead if she hates the hostel? How has she ended up living in a hostel? I thought that term referred to short-term or emergency care?

I don't think that she is senile. She has always been all about herself. And she has always been right, has never apologised for what she has done.

H is usually sensitive about what has happened, and after all that happened has respected the fact that I do not now have much contact with her.

I think he might have suffered a flash of senility when he invited her, to be honest.

One of his sisters live nearby, and the other visits fairly often. H also is in regular contact. (I don't have a problem with that, she is his mother and I encourage it, as long as I don't have to!)

I think she may have been sad because the sisters will be away and she will not see anyone for the time that she is away.

I am in Australia, and we have assisted care hostels here. She felt that she did not want to look after herself anymore, in that she wanted to be somewhere that she has meals supplied, washing done etc.

What would you have done if, when your dear mum was alive, he had refused to let her come and stay with you?
I agree he WBU not to have discussed it with you first, but presumably it is his home too, so he ought to have some say about who comes to visit, particularly his own mum. However, I wouldn't have anyone to stay for a whole week, whoever they were.

Clam I see what you are saying but whilst it is the DHs home too, it is the marital home and the MIL has clearly written that she has no respect for their marriage (shouldn't have married, bad wife etc) so I would see it as inappropriate to have her as a guest in the home.

It would never have happened, Clam. My mother would never have treated any of her in-laws the way I have been treated.

My DH did the eulogy at Mum's funeral and cried nearly all the way through it.

I understand that she is his Mum, but I do think he should have discussed the visit with me first. I have not told him that I don't want her here. I will grit my teeth (or spend a lot of days shopping). I asked if I was BU feeling like I do.

" feeling like you do?" No, absolutely not unreasonable. but to actually carry out a ban, probably yes.

YANBU unless before her stay your DH is planning al the meals, arranging to prepare a bed, towels etc and is planning on doing all extra shopping, the cooking for her and any washing and cleaning etc, etc

Clam, I think you should reread my post. I have never banned my MIL.

She told my husband that she would never visit again.

No DH won't be doing all that. He works away from home, his roster is two weeks away, one week at home. He is picking MIL up when he flies back and will take her home when he flies back to work.

YANBU. But people do change. She might still be a horrible old witch, or she might have mellowed. You never know. You might even get a Christmas reconciliation.

My grandma was a nitpicky, critical mother to my Mum, and constantly criticised her parenting etc. But as she got older she's really mellowed and they're very close now. I say YANBU but give her a chance.

Oh and make your DH do all the fetching and carrying.

I think it´s awful after what she said about you that he has invited her to stay tbh.

He could have upped his visits whilst her daughters were away, couldn´t he?

Well, as long as he is having the week off to look after her as he is the one who has invited her...

Yep, I am sure she has changed NOT! I went with DH to see her a couple of weeks ago. She gave me a seat to sit on, one for SIL, then sat on the couch with her back to us and spent the whole time we were there talking to DH.

So he´s at home whilst she´s there?
So of course he can look after her.

IF he is at home for the week she is there then he should be undertaking all the extra work having her as a guest will entail.