Pregnant, partner wants an abortion (sorry long post)

[Isserley]

I found out about a week and a half ago that I am pregnant, for the first time. My partner and I had just started having sex without protection, so it looks like one of the very first times resulted in pregnancy. If I am honest, I knew when we started SWI that I was much more keen for a baby than him - but obviously we both went along with it. I had thought (and told my P that I thought) it would take quite a long time to get pregnant, because I have PCOS and am 32 (same age as him).

When I found out, and told him, he was pretty quiet at first. Then he started to say that he thinks we should get rid of it and he doesn't feel ready for children. He switched around once or twice - e.g. last week before we had some friends round he said maybe we should tell them (he would definitely not want to tell them if we were going to have an abortion).

But this morning (I am in southern hemisphere, Sat p.m.) we had a long&painful discussion about it, during which he said again that he wanted an abortion. He feels that it is unfair that it is all my decision - i.e. if I refuse an abortion, we have a baby and there's nothing he can do about it. He also said he wasn't sure if he loved me because he hadn't had a real relationship before our one - we have been living together for 7 years, together for nearly 8.

I said that I felt he was being unfair asking me to have an abortion when he knows that I don't want to, and that I had thought our decision was taken when we started SWI - why should I have to go through an abortion just because he has changed his mind? I am not anti-abortion, but since we have been together for a long time, are ok financially and (I thought) love each other, I hadn't even considered it a possibility in our case.

After the bit where he said he wasn't sure about the relationship, we both had a cry (I have only seen him cry about 2 other times in 8 years) and he said he was sorry and he does love me, and we should have the baby. But even now I know he is not sure and he would rather it all just went away, and I really don't know what to do. I am scared and unsure myself about the pregnancy (am only at 6 weeks now) but feeling increasingly positive and happy about it, except when I talk to him! I haven't been able to talk to anyone else about it, due to the uncertainty of the situation, so going a bit mental here. AIBU to go ahead with having the baby even if it's not what he wants?

Everyone (I think ) is a bit scared when they first realise that what they thought they wanted (ie, a baby) is now a reality; a baby is on it's way. You think you want it, and I strongly suspect that he's just having cold feet.

It is scarey; it's a huge life-changing thing.

I don't think most people are really "ready for a baby" the first time round, regardless of age. I didn't think my DS2 was "ready to be a parent" at 19, but actually he's a brilliant dad.

Thanks OLKN! I was hoping someone would say that. Just going a bit crazy trying to deal with this stuff in isolation, and can't even have a glass of wine! Very comforting to get your message though.

Have some big hugs!

It's quite scary when you've been trying for a baby and it works so quickly! I thought it would take at least 6 months for us if not 2 years & it took about a week.

Even with us both wanting it, it was scary and worrying and seemed more real than when we'd discussed it. I think my partner's first words when I told him were "oh bloody hell!"

I suspect your man has just got nerves with it all happening so quickly and yes, to an extent he is right that really to keep your baby or not is your decision; he can't force you to terminate it although you can force him to support you both if you keep it and he changes his mind. It's a steep growing-up leap. Bear in mind you will also be very hormonal at the moment - I cried at the drop of a hat! - which can affect your thoughts, conversations, fears, everything.

I think you both need to talk things through - with friends, or family, or GP, either as a couple or separately if there are things he wants to talk about that he's worried you hearing. You don't say if your friends have kids, is there a mate of his that he could chat to?

32 is a good age to be having children if it's something you have discussed as both wanting. Much later and there are medical issues which may affect your fertility or the likelihood of fetal abnormalities. Not sure anyone's really ready for their first, or feels they're old enough, or can really afford it!

Whereabouts in the southern hemisphere are you? I'm in NZ, happy to be a sounding board if you're nearby

Well, it's 4 am here and I'm feeding my unplanned (by both of us) and then unwanted (by him) daughter and I would say YW N BU to go ahead with the pregnancy . For me, it was looking 2 years down the line and imagining my life with or without the baby.

Now, in your case you both decided to have sex without protection, he knew it would have resulted in a baby and it did. I don't think he has a right to talk about the situation being unfair to him and I don't think he has the right to expect you to have an abortion now, especially if you don't want to and your life situation hasn't changed (work, money, etc). I would agree that he is in a man-shock (like a man-flu) when faced with a possibility becoming a reality but I would also urge you not to influence your life changing decision on some else's opinion who is happy to play (seemingly mindlessly) Russian roulette with your body and the baby that you both planned.

I meant: "he knew it could have resulted in pregnancy (...)", not would.

Ach, RedHeels, I think you're being a bit harsh on the OP's man. He's not shouting about his "rights", he's just panicking.

IMVHO.

(Hope I'm not proved wrong!)

And I'm sorry, I have to go sleep. :) Wishing you all the best, Isserley.

Darling, you are on the official hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy and so is your DP. Seek professional help together to get through this time. By the sounds of his yo-yo behaviour to abortion, then saying you should tell friends just sounds like he is worried about the whole future as you are.

I agree that he is probably panicking, but the pressure he is putting on the OP is also very unfair. this is a planned baby, not an accident after all. OP we also conceived very very quickly and it was all a bit of a shock (I'd also thought it would take a long time) and it is a very difficult thing to adjust to. For us I think I had more cold feet than dh though.

I'd recommend talking about it a lot, and to tell at least one close friend or family member so that you both have someone outside your relationship to talk about worries and fear (which are totally normal, it is after all a huge thing to bring another life into the world which you will be totally responsible for). Good luck!

If you don't want to have an abortion then do not under any circumstances have one, you will never get over it.

Look at it this way, if you go ahead and have an abortion when you don't want to, you will never forgive your DH and will most likely split in any case. If you go ahead with the pregnancy against his wishes there is a good chance that you will split up, there is also a chance that you will not.

I have PCOS it can be hard and take a long time to get pregnant, you are 32. If he is not ready now has he given you any idea when he will be? With PCOS you realistically don't have that much time left to do this.

I am not a prolifer by any means, if you said you didn't want the baby/pregnancy then you will get no argument from me regardless of your reasons. But that isn't the case here, that is the whole point of Your Body Your Choice.

It isn't fair, it is biology and he will just have to make some grown up decisions about what he is going to do if you decide to go ahead.

I know you didn't ask but to be honest in your shoes I would go ahead with the pregnancy and give my DH the option to stay or go. But if he chose to stay then he would have to be on board as both a supportive husband and an active involved father, no middle ground.

Good luck, it is a biggy.

OH and u tried for a baby for 2 years, and had fertility drugs before DS came along and on the way home from hospital with DS, OH had told me throughout my whole pregnancy he hadn't really wanted the baby, he had just done it for me.

He is however the most fantastic dad, and will tell anyone within earshot that it's the most amazing thing you could do and is proud as punch of his DS and now DD too.

It is scary, and I think you need to discuss with your OH how scary you find it too so he knows he's not alone either.

OH and u tried for a baby for 2 years, and had fertility drugs before DS came along and on the way home from hospital with DS, OH had told me throughout my whole pregnancy he hadn't really wanted the baby, he had just done it for me.

He is however the most fantastic dad, and will tell anyone within earshot that it's the most amazing thing you could do and is proud as punch of his DS and now DD too.

It is scary, and I think you need to discuss with your OH how scary you find it too so he knows he's not alone either.

DH first words when I told him I was pregnant were "Oh for Gods sake." Never mind that we hadn't been using protection for 2 months and knew we would be actively trying in about a month. He was very worried about money at the time which influenced his reaction. I haven't let him live it down. By about 20 weeks DH went from being really ambivalent to the whole thing to being very excited and impatient to meet her.

Everyone is frightened by the idea of becoming a baby to some degree. It is almost always bad timing IME.

I am 100% pro choice but the choice needs to be yours. You really will regret an abortion if you do it for him and not you especially if you have trouble falling pregnant again in the future.

Having the baby wont make you any more likely to stay together and neither will aborting. Having a baby and being a single mum won't stop you from meeting someone else in the future.

Good luck and I hope you come to the right conclusion for you.

god... having a baby or becoming a parent. Not becoming a baby. Sorry.

He is panicking - for us men we do have times when we like to be a baby ourselves - when we are seriously ill with man-flu for example and in an unconscious way he knows having a real baby will change the dynamics of your relationship.

You have a long way to go in your pregnancy and there are no guarantee's at this stage on the outcome.

He will either (grow-up and) get on board or get out - but if you did decide to abort - it is quite likely that you would end up breaking up anyway.

If you read widely on this forum - you will realise that your succeeding in becoming pregnant (through choice) is something many long for and with your age & health issues there is no guarantee this will happen again (and especially not so easily).

Continue on - life does not come with guarantees and you need to seize your opportunities with both hands.

I hope he will stop panicking and enjoy this time with you - but if not then better you know now than in 5 - 10 years when you may not have the option of pregnancy.

Good luck

Excellent post by Iamnot
Hope you work through this and enjoy your pregnancy.

SWI? What does it stand for?

No way you should consider an abortion if you don't want one.

Harsh, but I think your DP will get over his fears, but if not, then you and baby are better off without an unwilling dad.

Agree with everyone else on this thread. DH and I did what we agreed and started trying after we had been married for 18 months. DH sounds just like your partner and tbh was in shock when I got pg for the first time. After years of avoiding it I don't think either of us expected it to happen immediately - it was the pattern though - so be aware of it just had trouble keeping them in there. Sadly miscarried the first baby so DH was a bit more prepared second time but still very luke warm. Some men just have to learn to deal with this and aren't very empathetic. Mine got better with every pg - and more sympathetic with every miscarriage - and ended up wanting a third. DS is nearly 16 now and DD nearly 12 so it all worked out in the end and although DH has always been a bit hands off is a very good dad.

If you want this baby, please don't have an abortion that really will destroy your relationship - having the baby might too if there are cracks already but at least you will look without guilt or sorrow - esp. if a baby is something you really want and this proves to be your only chance.

Good luck OP - hope it turns out alright.

PLEASE don't have an abortion if this is not sowmthing you want to do. You will regret it forever and will end up hating him. When the baby us born and you hold him or her for the first time you will experience a love so great that you will be forever thankful you didnt do it. If it was something you wanted then that is fine, nut you want this baby and were soooo blessed to be ableto ge pregnant so quickly when so many others struggle

And you will be fine with or without him - he will wither shape or you will ship him OUT!

If he's having doubts about your relationship just because he's having niggling worries that he MIGHT not want a baby... what else is going to make him want to pack his bags? Sorry, that sounds harsh, but I don't think that bodes well at all.

If you want this baby with all your heart, I'd say go for it. But you'd be better off without someone who's going to change his mind about something so important as this. x

isserley, when we married my DH was adamant no babies (his had flown the nest, mine were growing up), we then agreed to stop trying not to have babies and conceived immediately, we were both in shock and both a bit worried, but dd is now 6 months and my 'no babies' DH is such a happy man, i have never seen him smile as much as when he is with our little girl.
please go with what you want for yourself on this issue, you are not 'responsible' for your partners happiness (although i am not saying you should not consider him)
try this book for him www.amazon.co.uk/Reluctant-Fathers-Club-Cautiously-Parenthood/dp/1906021503

SWI... Shagging with intent???

SWI? I don't know, but am guessing "sex with intent"

I'd be the last person to casually say that it's fine to go ahead and have a baby that your partner has clearly said he does not want, but I'm agreeing with everyone else, and particularly Iamnot here. You were actively trying for a child - a decision you made together. The fact you wanted it a bit more than him is not the issue - he agreed to go ahead so he should accept the hand he has been dealt.

Being 32 and with PCOS I think aborting a baby you actually want would have a devastating long-term effect on you - much more so than risking the chance that you might be bringing it up alone, and I don't often say that. He sounds a bit spoilt and frightened but I think he does love you, and he will come round in time. Good luck.