Pregnant, partner wants an abortion (sorry long post)

[Isserley]

I found out about a week and a half ago that I am pregnant, for the first time. My partner and I had just started having sex without protection, so it looks like one of the very first times resulted in pregnancy. If I am honest, I knew when we started SWI that I was much more keen for a baby than him - but obviously we both went along with it. I had thought (and told my P that I thought) it would take quite a long time to get pregnant, because I have PCOS and am 32 (same age as him).

When I found out, and told him, he was pretty quiet at first. Then he started to say that he thinks we should get rid of it and he doesn't feel ready for children. He switched around once or twice - e.g. last week before we had some friends round he said maybe we should tell them (he would definitely not want to tell them if we were going to have an abortion).

But this morning (I am in southern hemisphere, Sat p.m.) we had a long&painful discussion about it, during which he said again that he wanted an abortion. He feels that it is unfair that it is all my decision - i.e. if I refuse an abortion, we have a baby and there's nothing he can do about it. He also said he wasn't sure if he loved me because he hadn't had a real relationship before our one - we have been living together for 7 years, together for nearly 8.

I said that I felt he was being unfair asking me to have an abortion when he knows that I don't want to, and that I had thought our decision was taken when we started SWI - why should I have to go through an abortion just because he has changed his mind? I am not anti-abortion, but since we have been together for a long time, are ok financially and (I thought) love each other, I hadn't even considered it a possibility in our case.

After the bit where he said he wasn't sure about the relationship, we both had a cry (I have only seen him cry about 2 other times in 8 years) and he said he was sorry and he does love me, and we should have the baby. But even now I know he is not sure and he would rather it all just went away, and I really don't know what to do. I am scared and unsure myself about the pregnancy (am only at 6 weeks now) but feeling increasingly positive and happy about it, except when I talk to him! I haven't been able to talk to anyone else about it, due to the uncertainty of the situation, so going a bit mental here. AIBU to go ahead with having the baby even if it's not what he wants?

Big thank you to everyone for your support, advice and stories. The book looks great, cheers ego, maybe I'll wrap one up for OH for Xmas .

I think/hope it is just cold feet my partner has, he really is a good guy, and I guess he just has the same uncertainty as me (well maybe a bit more) but with the added stress of having less control. He is out with some friends just now, one of whom was also an initially reluctant father a couple of years ago but now seems to be loving it, so I hope they have a good talk.

@ TechnoKitten no, not in NZ, but thank you so much for the offer, I really appreciate it :)

ps yes, SWI=shagging with intent

From the conception boards SWI means sex with intent. Ie knowing your most fertile times and doing the deed for a baby rather than pleasure.

Maybe OP has seen it on the conception boards and not understood the meaning or thinks it means sex with intercourse.

Now I see you meant SWI as in trying for a baby I would say he knew the score and either he accepts it or you do it alone

Dear OP
For lots of people a baby means growing up, responsibilities, that's it - it's all about getting from now on.

It's scary. Don't tell my wonderful eldest son but I cried for a week finding out I was pregnant. I was looking at my DP thinking " this is it then...this is my life" and being utterly miserable.

You've had a tough emotional discussion. That's brave. I personally think you want this baby. I think he does too but has reverted back to a boy himself cos' it's a huge leap into the unknown. I think if you got rid of baby you would lose your relationship too because it would cause alot of pain between you both and you may never forgive him for putting you into that position. But these are just my own thoughts.

Take your time, each day throws up new emotions. But I think he's having a wobble. And at least that means he's taking his responsibilities seriously and knows being a parent is tough ( as well as brilliant) - so he'll probably make a terrific dad.

You've got to think about what's best for YOU. It's not just a baby dilemma, it's your sanity you've got to think about. Everywoman I've ever met who chose abortion has been deeply haunted by it some way down the line.

OldLady (The thread has moved on since we both went to sleep .)

I hope me being harsh is unfounded but I do find the OP's DP's reaction quite nasty. I mean, they were trying for a baby... Her DP's thinking is a bit like a teenager's who says: "I didn't know you could get pregnant first time doing doing it".

I hope he will change his mind and it will all work out. I know it does take time for even previously seemingly reasonable men to come to terms with a new baby (it took my XP only 6 months... but then I knew from the beginning he didn't want a baby so he did come a long way). Good luck OP!

He needs to grow up. He knowingly had sex without contraception. He is being totally unreasonable pressing for an abortion. I am pro choice but men don't get to choose.

Can you care for the baby on your own? If you can and you can manage financially and you really want it then keep it, but bear in mind you may have to bring it up alone.

Maybe he now feels trapped.

RedHeels, isn't it lovely to see such a unanimous thread?

Best of luck, OP. :)

He was knowingly having SWI, so I think it's a bit late now for him to change his mind. Sounds like he's feeling v wobbly - when you're pregnant, you can feel an immediate attachment to the baby and get excited, etc. When you're not the one pregnant, maybe it can just feel like a huge responsibility, etc. Is this a typical response for him when there's a dramatic change in front of him (moving house/change of relationship, etc)? Some people really do just take time to settle in to new things. I hope you've got some friends with children who can point out the happy things. I think there's 9 months of pregnancy just so both parents can get used to the thought of a 3rd person being around! I know it's hard (my first DD's dad left when I was 20 wks, after initially being thrilled! And we survived just fine, though it wasn't what I would have chosen at the time). I just mention that to say take heart, whatever happens, you can be OK. I'm sure he'll get more confidence when it's sunk in and he has some support from other fathers.
I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, so many people said 'oh, sleepless nights/shitty nappies/etc.' Not that many people said nice things.. I discovered them for myself!! Don't underestimate how difficult his ambivalence makes things for you.