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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like i have been ticked off unnecessarily by this au pair's employer?

27 replies

Greythorne · 16/12/2010 21:49

I have a friend called Sally who lives about 15 miles away who has an au pair, called Lyndsey.

Lyndsey has another au pair friend who lives in our town, called Alicia.

Sally emailed me and my best friend Jocelyn (all of us - Sally, Jocelyn and I - have 2 small DCs) and says:

"My au pair (Lyndsey) has a friend called Alicia who is looking for extra baby sitting work at the weekend. Please contact her if you need babysitting"

Both my friend jocelyn and i subsequently (but separately)contacted the Alicia direct and asked to meet her, interviewed her, did trial days with her (at the weekend, for which she was paid) and then subsequently engaged her for ad hoc weekend evening babysitting.

My friend Jocelyn has now received a note from Alicia's employer saying that she is very surprised and disappointed that we both contacted Alicia direct, that it would have been more "elegant" to contact her and check it was OK with her. And telling us that she takes precedence over Alicia's time.

I am ultra surprised because I never for one moment thought of checking with the employer - whom I have never met - if it was OK. I felt like it was a win-win situation; we need a local babysitter and pay good money for babysitting AND the au pair wants to earn more cash.

She would earn in an evening of babysitting what she earns in cash in a week in her au pair job (because of course she gets room and full board with her au pair employer).

Was i unreasonable?

Or is she being unreasonable in sending a note ticking us off and making a kind of droit de signeur claim on her au pair's spare time, even though of course we would respect that she gets first dibs?

I am feeling like Jocelyne and I have been ticked off by the school headteacher, but I am really not sure if I am the one in the wrong.

OP posts:
Schnullerbacke · 16/12/2010 21:51

YANBU - the au-pair should have squared it with her employer.

Original poster
Greythorne · 16/12/2010 21:54

BTW, Alicia the au pair is 23 and a graduate, so a grown up, not a 17 yo student who has just finished a levels, so perfectly capable of making her own decisions about who she wants to work for on her own time.

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 16/12/2010 21:58

YANBU, this other lady employs the au pair not owns her.

I would agree that if evenings clash then she should get priority but presumably as the au pair is trusted with children then she's also mature enough to handle this herself.

I don't think you have done anything wrong at all.

LunaticFringe · 16/12/2010 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doozle · 16/12/2010 21:59

The issue is between Alicia and her boss, nothing to do with you. The mother shouldn't have brought you into it at all, just discussed it with Alicia.

curlymama · 16/12/2010 22:00

Of course you shouldn't have to check with the employer, she can make her own arrangements with her au pair, who can do whatever she likes in her time off.

What a pretentious woman!

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 16/12/2010 22:05

I can imagine the kind of person who would send such a note ( elegant ffs) and I presume that this is about exerting her power and superiority.

Forget about it, and treat the au-pair well, she might not be enjoying her stay with Cruella so much.

Hassledge · 16/12/2010 22:08

I have no idea but I applaud the use of droit de signeur.

MitchyInge · 16/12/2010 22:19

surely is seigneur?

Weegle · 16/12/2010 22:20

YANBU

I am an au pair employer - I actively have encouraged my AP's to get additional babysitting amongst friends to boost their pay. We have a family diary - we 'book' our babysitting in that - but it's first come first served - so she also write in if she's not available to us. It's only fair after all.

Original poster
Greythorne · 16/12/2010 22:20

I can't help by feel sorry for the au pair now because it seems like her employer is a stuck up witch who thinks she has the right to write to complete strangers and give them a telling off. does not bode well for the way she treats her household staff.

OP posts:
parakeet · 16/12/2010 22:21

Ignore, the woman's a loon.

onceamai · 16/12/2010 22:22

I had au-pairs for years. I booked babysitting we needed as far in advance as possible. Our babysitting, if on the calendar had to take precedence (up to 2 nights per week - which we rarely used). If the au-pair got other babysitting jobs, she was free to take them and we made lots of introductions.

Friends would often call me to ask if x or y could babysit. I always said well I don't need her that night so you need to speak to her not to me.

Happy au-pair = happy children = happy relationship.

classydiva · 16/12/2010 22:23

If its the au pairs time its really nothing ot do with the employer unless there is a clause in her contract saying she cannot do any child sitting work whilst working for them.

Respond with sorry I was not aware that it formed part of your employees contract that her spare time had to be accounted for to you, if you it states in her contract she is not allowed to baby sit in her spare time for others, I can only say I was unaware of this and suggest you take it up with Alicia

Original poster
Greythorne · 16/12/2010 22:23

mitchy

yes, you're right
it's droit de seigneur

OP posts:
Original poster
Greythorne · 16/12/2010 22:28

classydiva
i like your response but I don't want to shitstir because I fear the only loser will be the poor au pair

i am thinking of just ignoring her, afterall i don't know her from adam!

but I just wanted to check with all of you if I had committed some well known gaffe

OP posts:
onceamai · 16/12/2010 22:34

No, not you Greythorne, the host mother has committed the gaffe.

onimolap · 16/12/2010 22:40

"My au pair (Lyndsey) has a friend called Alicia who is looking for extra baby sitting work at the weekend. Please contact her if you need babysitting"

If she's going to send this request in an e-mail, I really don't see why she's now complaining that you followed it.

JamieLeeCurtis · 16/12/2010 22:44

Am in awe

"droit de seigneur" in an AIBU

and hats off to classydiva for services to bolding

Original poster
Greythorne · 16/12/2010 22:45

onimolap

it's complicated
it wasn't the au pair's employer who emailed us, but another friend who also emplys and au pair and who knows of alicia and knows she was looking for work....

sorry, it is puzzling

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 16/12/2010 22:48

Surely it was a misunderstanding and no-one should be ticking anyone off.

Casmama · 16/12/2010 22:49

I think I would be tempted to write back and say "Thank you for your letter, I'm afraid I am not prepared to pay you a cut of Alicias babysitting money and cannot see why else you would be writing to me.

Kind Regards"

Unrulysun · 16/12/2010 22:50

Reading this post has made me feel as though it is 1932 and I am the houseguest of the Rt Honorable something.

Expect to find a body in the library in the morning.

Elegant... Sheesh.

classydiva · 16/12/2010 22:52

I gaffed with the bold, but hey I shall have bold for crimbo.

TattyDevine · 16/12/2010 22:52

Droit de seigneur

YANBU