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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is being selfish going out tonight

36 replies

MrsGravy · 16/12/2010 15:20

It's been a tough week. DH has been away overnight with work on Monday night - also a jolly as he stays with an old friend and they went out together. He had a loooong day at work on Wednesday and wasn't back til gone 9.30. On top of this my 4 and 6 year olds have colds and have been up a lot in the night every single night this week - as has their 6 month old sister who is breastfed so I do all of the night wakings with her. In fact the elder 2 have stayed off school sick today which has been hard work. Especially as their baby sister has refused a nap all day.

DH was meant to be going out with some friends straight from work tonight - not a Xmas do though (that's tomorrow) - and he was umming and ahhing about cancelling as he's understandably knackered. He asked me if I wanted him to cancel. I said I'd prefer it if he didnt go as i'm knackered and the kids have barely seen him but that it was his decision. I never usually say this, never veto a night out as he's a considerate man usually and doesn't go out that much. And obviously he's a grown man so it's not up to me!

He's just phoned to say he's decided he will go out. I'm gutted at the thought of ANOTHER night of wrestling all the kids to bed by myself and dealing with all the evenings inevitable disruptions. I can't help but feel he's being selfish here. If I'd have told him not to go he wouldn't have in fairness but I wanted him to see the right thing to do and make the decision himself. Does this make sense? Or am I going mad with sleep deprivation?

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 16/12/2010 15:23

It makes sense. He is being selfish. He has already been out this week, and has his christmas party tomorrow. He should be at home tonight, helping out with this family.

Everyone deserves a night off blah blah blah, but not 3 in one week, not when the kids are sick, not when their partner is knackered.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2010 15:25

Well, he is being selfish, no doubt about it

But in your shoes I would have put my foot down and said "look love, I am knackered, you have done plenty of partying and more coming tomorrow so I would prefer you to stay in tonight so I can get a rest"

mixed messages do no-one any favours...

ChessyEvans · 16/12/2010 15:25

Am only pregnant with 1st so can't comment on the extra pressure of having children to look after who aren't well. However I think it's pretty mean of him to ask you if you would prefer him to stay in, and then to go out anyway! Although you didn't tell him not to go out, it was pretty clear that you would prefer him not to.

Sounds a bit selfish to me, esp if he's got another night out the next night.

minibmw2010 · 16/12/2010 15:27

Problem for me is that he asked you if you'd prefer him to stay home, therefore putting the onus on you to appear the nagging wife, "yes please stay in" so he'd get resentful. This way he should have stayed in but because you didn't "make him", he's gone out with an open mind. Bad.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2010 15:27

he will also be knacked over the weekend after all this carousing, so will he whinge about that and expect you to carry the can then?

nah, you should have been more clear

sorry about that

however, not too late to change your mind ?

thatsnotmymonkey · 16/12/2010 15:28

I could have written your post! OMG, my DH has done the same thing, is away tonight, and tomorrow night on a jolly. Our DS has bronchitics, I have some sort of flu/cough/cold and feel wretched. I hate my DH today. YANBU

thatsnotmymonkey · 16/12/2010 15:31

My DH has not raised the issue as he knows I will demand he stay in, so today he is away on business so tonight staying away is inevitable, but tomorrow I plan on ruining his life tomorrow and making him come home. Toss face.

FindingAManger · 16/12/2010 15:32

yes he is being selfish & unreasonable - you said "you preferred he didn't go" & that sounds like a pretty clear message to me (Like you I'd be very reluctant to say NO YOU CAN'T to an adult in this situation - you're not his Mum & no doubt he is well aware of his responsibilities to his family). And he has ignored your feelings & his own tiredness & decided to go anyway - does he know the kids are sick & what you have been dealing with all week?

He's out tomorrow night too & then he'll be knackered all weekend - I'd be going out with the baby to somewhere nice & relaxing over the weekend and leaving him to it with the other kids.

I'd be pissed off in your shoes.

SheWillBeLoved · 16/12/2010 15:32

Call him back, tell him you'd hoped he'd make the right decision without prompting from you, but he hasn't, so could he come home after work and spend some time with his family and take a load off you.

Xmas Grin @ toss face

Original poster
MrsGravy · 16/12/2010 15:33

You're right about the mixed messages AnyFucker, I should have just said clearly what I wanted him to do. He's defo not the type to whinge about being knackered because he's been out but this weekend we are off to his parents - a long drive and a stressful time there will be no opportunity to catch up on lost sleep.

I think I might ring him back and ask him not to go. He is usually thougtful which is why I didn't want to just tell him not to go...I really thought he'd work it out for himself!

He does say he won't be staying out tomorrow night as the christmas do starts at lunch but him coming home half cut at his ordinary time will be no use to me really.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/12/2010 15:33

Next time, tell him not to go when he asks. You can't expect selfish people to suddenly see the light.

curlymama · 16/12/2010 15:37

Just make sure he pays you back. Make him get up early with dc's Saturday and Sunday, give them breakfast and bath them and put them to bed. And make him go out and buy you a takeaway on Saturtday night.

FindingAManger · 16/12/2010 15:39

or don't call him & let him go to his parents with the kids on his own. Kick back, snuggle up with baby on the sofa and chill out all weekend ......... >

expatinscotland · 16/12/2010 15:41

Ring him up now and tell him you feel even worse and you need to sleep.

Ill kids happen. Going out can wait.

Original poster
MrsGravy · 16/12/2010 15:46

FindingaManager - am impossible dream indeed!! It's our pre-christmas visit with the inlaws and I'd feel terrible if I blew them out.

Have texted him to ask him not to go. He's actually not a completely selfish arse so I'm hopeful that he will graciously agree!

OP posts:
diddl · 16/12/2010 15:49

How can anyone misunderstand "I´d prefer that you didn´t go"?

What would have happened if you´d said "no, don´t go", I wonder?

Of course YANBU.

Why ask & then take no notice?

MadAboutQuavers · 16/12/2010 15:49

He's knackered, but clearly going out is much less tiring than looking after little ones.

He is being selfish, no doubt. Ring him and tell him he's more than pushing his luck here.

boogeek · 16/12/2010 15:50

Can't he come home to do tea/bath/quality time with kids/bed then go out for a drink leaving you in peace?

electra · 16/12/2010 15:50

yanbu - I expect his friends have been egging him on to go today. Tell him you need him at home.

MadAboutQuavers · 16/12/2010 15:51

He's knackered, but clearly going out is much less tiring than looking after little ones.

He is being selfish, no doubt. Ring him and tell him he's more than pushing his luck here.

MadAboutQuavers · 16/12/2010 15:52

Sorry about the double post!

Dropdeadfred · 16/12/2010 15:53

ring him and tell him he will need to arrange a babysitter tonight as you are not available for sole childcare duties/have acceped offer of night out etc etc

diddl · 16/12/2010 15:56

If for some reason he had to go, I would at least expect him to not stay long & be home at a reasonable time.

(And no, this doesn´t sound like something he has to attend)

OTheHugeManatee · 16/12/2010 16:02

You said he'd prefer it if he didn't go, but that it was his decision. He made his decision against your preference, but you made it clear he was free to decide either way. So while YANBU to think he's being selfish, YABU to be annoyed that he's gone against what you want.

Surely if you meant 'Please don't go out tonight, I am knackered and need a rest' then you should have said that, not said it was his decision while meaning 'It's your decision as long as you make the one I want you to make'?

Sorry to be harsh, as you're obviously at the end of your tether, but there are so many arguments that could be avoided if people just said what they meant!

diddl · 16/12/2010 16:09

If she´d said no he still might have gone!

I´d be quite upset actually.

He was thinking of not going, asked OP, she said she´d like him not to go-& he decided to go!

I think that that´s bloody nasty tbh.