...to think that if we both work, childcare arrangements are joint responsibility?

[Odysseus]

...or should I just accept that of course DH's job is far more important?

I do just work part time, so it doesn't really count as work, does it?

Partly a face.

YANBU, of course.

YANBU - I have the same issue.

There are occasions when I cannot get to the nursery, but DH won't explain to his work that he has childcare issues and has to go (Like I have to sometimes), so I have to get the MIL to go to the nursery instead!!

Oh - now you've started me!

I have dcs aged 14 and 11.

From the very beginning I went part-time and missed fantastic promotions and different opportunities because I wored in the evenings only (so we didn't need childcare) or couldn't go to conferences for a week in Birmingham etc.

If I'd have made it all happen I would be earning 3 times what I am now and would probably feel much more self-fulfilled and have better self-esteem.

He would never dare to say it but DP knows his job (or more specifically - his salary) is more important than mine.

Even worse - I know it too.

However - that does not stop me going truly apeshit over that fact that childcare is STILL ALWAYS MY PROBLEM in the holidays or if I work evenings and he's away.

Why is it my problem???????????????????????

I depends on each person's job I think. Not that one is more 'important' than the other, but if one person has more flexibility than the other then some of the burden will fall on them.

For example as a practice nurse I have very limited flexibility - I run my own clinics, patients have appointments booked with me and I can't go in late or leave early easily. It takes a lot of forward planning and rejigging of clinics/swapping clinics.

Until recently DH was away at sea for months so no chance of help there! But now he works locally in an office job at the naval base and is much more flexible than me so can pick the girls up if needed, or take a day if they are sick.

I'm really ratty because usually my friend has DS on a Thurs but she has circumstances at the mo which DH and I decided we'd rather DS didn't go round, so I said I'd take today as holiday.

Yesterday came down with a horrid bug and am the most ill I've been in years, and when I said to DH he'd have to take the day off to look after DS, he rang the friend and said would she have DS!

SO it was too dangerous when I could solve the problem by taking holiday, but for him to take one day's compassionate leave - Nope! Ship DS off to where we'd already decided it was too dangerous for him to be! SOD!!!!!!!!!!

(DH has never taken a day's sick leave, compassionate leave in all the time I've known him so it's not like they could even say anything either!) I'm going to bed as soon as the Ar*ehole gets home!

My DH works FT and I work PT, it depends on our work situation as to what happens when one of the kids is sick etc. DH's work is far more flexible than mine so if he has some time owing he will go off with the kids or if not I will as I have less time to pay back/be unpaid for.

School holidays are split between both of us and MIL, all taking odd days during the week until the weeks are covered. We definately see it as a joint responsibility for childcare, it's a shame some don't see it like that, it takes so much pressure off the mum if it were equal/compromised on.

I think these things depend on your job and your employers. Im my part time job, I get sick pay, dh is contract and doesn't get paid for not being there, so in our case it would always make sense for me to take time off work, especially as he earns much more.

In your situation, YANBU, if you had decided the usual childcare was not suitable and now you simply can't do it, this should be one of those rare occasions when he has no choice but to not work. However if he has something really important going on at work at the moment, I can understand where he is coming from. At least he doesn't think you are superwoman and should just look after ds no matter how ill you are.

I think sometimes you have prioritse one job over another.

Which pays more.
Which is less flexible.
Which would be the hardest to replace.
Which is located furthest from childcare.

My baby isn't even here yet but I've already had my eyes opened to the fact hubby sees childcare arrangements as my responsibility when I go back to work.
He works about 17miles from home and I'm about 30miles from home (takes both of us about an hour in the rush hour). We have one car and also both have motorbikes (mine's SORN while I'm pregnant). I suggested looking into nursery/childminder in the town where I work as it would mean less cost because it would be two hours less a day and if anything happened and he/she was ill or whatever I'd only be minutes away rather than best part of an hour's drive. However I generally have to work one evening a week and hang back in the office as there's no time to go home, so I said to hubby we'd have to arrange something for him picking up our child. He rides motorbike to work so this would be a bit of an issue (love the image of baby riding pillion on the back though!) so I suggested maybe I could get insured on his bike and we'd do a swap once a week. He said no way and I couldn't manage his big (1000cc) bike. So I suggested he get rid of it and we share my smaller (600cc) one (his old one which he happily rode to work for over two years) to make it practical. My family are over an hour away (over 2hours during peak traffic) in the opposite direction and his are 500miles away so we have no help. He actually came out with "no, I love my bike and I don't want to get rid of it. if I had to get rid of it I would end up resenting our child"! I was He's also suggested me giving up work or looking at a change of career, despite the fact I love my job. I earn less than half what he does though so it seems my job is less important.

Sorry, so after that wee rant, no I don't think you are being unreasonable as he could at least request to take the time off to care for your child (and you, hope you're feeling a bit better btw) but is choosing not to.

YANBU

fayc84 why couldn't he ride your 600cc bike once a week, but still keep his own for the rest of the week?

Of course childcare is a joint responsibility.

Having said that, the fact is that where one person in the couple earns a lot more than the other, the couple often decide to prioritise the job of the person who earns more (which means that the lower earning partner does more of the emergency childcare days) - because their income and job prospects are financially much more important to the family.

I think you have to decide as a couple whether protecting your DH's job prospects is more important to you as a family than splitting childcare equally.

(Of course, this is on the assumption that he would actually damage his job prospects if he took a day off. If not, then he's just being an arse).

What is also annoying though is when your DH is the down as the first contact for school, afterschool and nursery - and yet they all phone YOU first if there's a problem. Then get all funny when you ask them to call DH as per instructions, since he works nearer and is more likely to be able to come and get them....

Even when your relationship is sharing childcare equally, it seems your childcare providers don't.

It wouldn't damage his job prospects whatsoever, he just prefers being at work I think!

Our jobs prepregnancy were same level of pay, and had we decided on a monetary basis who would work part-time, it should have been him, as there was a big promotion on my cards and prospects in my industry are better.

HOWEVER, as he is a MAN, it wasn't even an option.

Which usually I don't mind, until he's really unappreciative!!

Why couldn't he go part-time? I don't just think being man precludes you from doing it.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers - I think that is what we'll end up doing. I was just so shocked at his comment that selling his motorbike (and still having another one to ride for commuting and enjoyment) would lead to him resenting his own child.

It certainly seems frustrating that in a lot of cases (obviously not all before all the stay at home dads come on and flame me) the expectation simply falls on the mother.

YANBU

If DD is ill DH is just as willing to take time off to look after her as I am. It's easier for me as I get paid carers leave, whereas he has to take it as annual leave (so depends if he has any left!).

But we weigh it up and if I'm really busy at work or have already had to take some time off recently, he will look after her. I wouldn't accept anything less TBH.

Admitting here to a sneaky satisfaction that DS1's disability put him in a special unit two minutes' drive from DH's work and 18 miles from mine, so they automatically turn to him first if there's a problem!

I get called out for the other two, but they're nearer and healthier. Evens out pretty well.

These things depend to a great extent on your job's flexibility and your employers' understanding.

Childcare is a joint responibility regardless of who works and who does not.

I don't really have a lot of truck with the idea that one person's career is more important than the other and nothing must ever be done to tarnish it. If more people shared out the responisbility for dealing with emergencies, sickness etc. having to have an afternoon off with a sick child wouldn't be such a career damaging issue.

I am the high earner with career in my relationship. DH is part time and a factory worker. We decide who takes the hit based on our workload and commitments at the time. It happens to work out fairly evenly.

It should be joint responsibility.

My job are quite flexible but DH can work from home, so if that helps (eg when nanny had doctor's appointment and almost whole time she was out was DS2's nap time) he does.

DHe earns more than me and I work part-time. But pre DC we earned the same.

A lot of it stems from the fact that it is MATerinty leave so its the mum who can take off the initial time when LO is born and it often just goes on from there. During Mat leave the mum builds up contacts, probably finds out about the childcare options and so becomes the obvious one to be in charge of it. Doesn't make it right of course, but i think its a largely contributing factor. If the mooted plans for sharing the maternity leave between both as each couple sees fit were to come in, it would be interesting to see what would happen

at someone posting in 2010 that a dad going part time is not realistic even though his wife has the same pay, but better promotion prospects and a better industry...

Tell me, what part of having a penis means you can't go part time whilst your wife does more work outside the home?

I'll have to inform my part time DH of this matter at once.

I am watching this thread with interest, as after a recent row over the split of home/childcare between us, I have spent this week doing "equal" childcare - that means, a nursery run for a nursery run, an evening out for an evening out - in the last few months dh has been away quite a lot, including overnight stays, for work and social reasons and we seem to have fallen into an unequal split. He seems to have acquired the assumption that I will be the fallback position and I felt he had started to take advantage of it - I didn't see him declining any social engagement he was invited to! When I said this, he said that he would never "sit there moaning, like you do", and that obviously I wasn't going out enough. This was because he had planned on being out 3 nights this week and all weekend (all social).

I can understand when his work takes him away overnight (2-5 days, probably every other week for the last 2 months), but he has also had 3 weekends away, one to see friends and two weddings where the children weren't invited (to be fair he has now said he will not attend one of these), and a regular arrangement 1 night a week. I have two dc (1 and 4) and pg with dc3.

DH works full time and I do 4 days per week. Both in jobs where you pretty much put in whatever hours it takes to get the job done. I realised recently (too much MN!) that pre children he earned 20% more than me, but now he earns 100% more . I have asked him if he thinks his job is more important than mine, and although he says no, I wonder if he really believes that.

Do you know what - with regard to home and childcare, this has been so much less than what I am used to, and I am sure that he is finding it tough (although he isn't speaking to me much at the moment, so couldn't confirm that ). I would like him to acknowledge that even doing 50% is a big change to what he is used to, but I think he is too stubborn to admit it. And I am more calm with the dcs than usual, whereas his rattiness factor seems to have increased somewhat .

But partly I know it is my own fault because I have allowed this to happen, and let the resentment simmer and build up. I am also conditioned to look after everyone else before I look after myself (this must be common for mothers and women in general?), so I need to keep reminding myself not to do everything just because I notice it first.

His job is less flexible than mine (I can work from home if I don't have meetings), and his commute is 1h, versus my 30 minutes. However, as Odysseus says, I don't think he ever considered asking for flexibility etc., as he just assumed that this would be something I would do. I wouldn't mind returning full time to my job, but it would be on the condition that the children weren't in FT nursery (too young, imo, and they are long days when they are in), and he probably never even thought about going PT.

OP, YANBU.

Hmm, mixed feelings on this one. my DH works from home 4 days a week, and 1 day a week at a client site. That means he's very flexible with working hours (self employed) despite working long hours generally. He is great at emergency child pick ups

BUT before getting pg I earned a bit more and had better prospects. After having our DS guess who returned to work part time? And guess who couldn't even hear a discussion on maybe dropping a client or two so he had less work and could look after DS for a day or two a week?

OK so that's not entirely fair - what actually happened is I returned to work 3 days a week (my choice, I prefer to actually see my child sometimes and we were financially able to do it). We had a childminder for 1 day and two 1/2 days in the week, and DH looked after DS for the other two 1/2 days. For 2 months. During those months he was constantly complaining about how much work he had to do and how much time he'd lost. He never even thought to cut back on his work, despite the fact it was cheaper to do that than employ the childminder for more time. After a few months we put DS in a nursery which works much better.

I know i'm one of the lucky ones in many respects, but WHY do so many men have a complete mental block when it comes to dropping working hours to pick up childcare on a regular basis?

YANBU I recently posted a similar issue on 'relationships' thread (sorry not techno enough to show link)

I always thought that it should be 50.50 split which is how it was before children. However we used to split bills according to our earnings so perhaps this is what should happen with childcare!!! (just kidding)

It is an absolute nightmare and something that has simmered in my relationship with my DH and I don't even work at the moment.

I guess it is a case of discussing and agreeing with your partner who takes responsibility for what and if you reach an agreement then that is what works for you.

If you read my thread the difficulty I have is getting husband to discuss it!!!