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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this woman was selfish and quite cruel

122 replies

MistletoeMush · 15/12/2010 21:05

This has probably been done before and I know it is quite a controversial subject. I was just reading an article in Grazia about a woman who was expecting triplets and had two of them aborted. The reasons she gave included financial ones, not wanting to be a stay at home mum, wanting to give more attention to her individual child and not wanting to be bed-ridden during pregnancy when she wanted to be working. Her partner was initially against the abortion but came around. She says she doesn't regret what she did and one day will tell her surviving son about it. She wasn't on the breadline at all, she was working and describes herself as middle class.

Aibu to think that she was very selfish and that son may not be impressed when he is older and she tells him?

OP posts:

MrsTittleMouse · 16/12/2010 16:50

Could you imagine being told that your three babies would be very likely to be born premature, and that you could lose all three of them, or that they could be seriously disabled. Or could you imagine a nearly 50% chance of getting preclampsia? Or any other of the risks of carrying triplets.

What you probably don't know about is the medical system in the USA, where a single child in SCBU can bankrupt you, even if you are "middle class" (nearly happened to good friends of ours - they would have lost their business and their house), and then you can end up on the particularly crappy welfare system.

Anyway, as I said, very easy to know what you'd do in a difficult situation - until you are actually there with the full reality staring you in the face.

BuzzLightBeer · 16/12/2010 16:57

aorry, misundertood your point.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 16/12/2010 16:58

She is not proud that "she aborted two babies in one go". She is rightfully proud that she thought carefully about the impact two additional babies would have on her life and she made the right decision for her and her family.

It's all very well criticising her for making a financial decision but welfare in the US is woefully inadequate, as are maternity provisions. The alternative to working during her pregnancy may very well have been extreme poverty. Making a decision against that is sensible.

Selective abortion happens frequently in the UK. It is offered because it is physically beneficial to mother and the surviving child. Why should that be taboo?

jessiealbright · 16/12/2010 16:59

Actually, many people consider women who decide to continue triplets and high-order multiples "awful" and "warped". Because if you decide to try to have all the babies, you run the risk of losing them all, or more dying than would have done if you had had a selective termination.

unpleasant imagery ahead

I cannot find her decision so morally repugnant- because when I try to judge her, I wonder whether she might have ended up watching all three dying in a SCBU cot otherwise.

My utmost apologies to anyone reading for whom that was unnecessarily graphic.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 16/12/2010 17:00

Incidentally it is not possible to abort one identical.

jessiealbright · 16/12/2010 17:01

Is that if they share the same placenta or amniotic sac?

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 16/12/2010 17:03

jessie interesting point - the opprobrium heaped on woman who go ahead with multiple pregnancies which are ultimately unsucessful is great. Seems a woman cannot win

booyhohoho · 16/12/2010 17:07

YABU

none of your business.
she is the one who would have to carry to term 3 babies, not easy.
her and her DH are the ones who would have to raise 3 babies, they obviously feel tehy cannot provide as a good a life for 3 as they can for 1.
how is it selfish to want the best for one baby rather than struggle (as she obviously thinks she will) with 3?
how is it cruel? who to?

jessiealbright · 16/12/2010 17:08

But Nancy, don't you realise that other people always know how to live your life better than you do?!

midori1999 · 16/12/2010 17:08

"I cannot find her decision so morally repugnant- because when I try to judge her, I wonder whether she might have ended up watching all three dying in a SCBU cot otherwise."

Having been in a situation where I was pregnant with twins and at very real risk of losing both because of a problem with one twin (her waters broke at 14 weeks), this is something I have thought about. Not becauae it was an option, because in the UK it wasn't, but because I knew in the USA it would be an option for me and I thought about whether I would have considered it or not. (10 weeks bed rest gives you plenty fo time to think about things!)

There is no way I could have done it. No way I could put more importance on the life of one of my babies than the other. No way I could have chosen one baby over the other. I lost both of them in the end, but I still wouldn't have decided differently.

Had I become pregnant with twins again (and I have been pregnant with twins twice) the pregnancy would have been extremely risky for me and obviously therefore the babies too. Even with three living children to consider, I still couldn't have chosen to terminate one of my much wanted babies.

JimmyChooChoo · 16/12/2010 17:10

It must have been an awful desision for this woman to go through this.Very traumatic.
But then to sell her story to a magazine?!Shame on her.I hope she bought a lovely handbag to make it all worthwhile.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 16/12/2010 17:11

jessie sorry I don't know. I had a friend who was pregnant with triplets and the issue arose. She was told it was not possible to abort one of the identicals as due to them being identical the risk was just too great. Sadly her singleton was considered to be the "least viable" and they were unable to make a decision.

Consequently none of the babies survived

jessiealbright · 16/12/2010 17:14

Midori, I'm so, so, so sorry.

I am (genuinely, not sarcastic) glad that you knew then and now what decision you would make. (For the irrelevant record, I don't see anything wrong with it.)

I feel that whatever decision you make, it has the potential to turn out terribly. Therefore, women should have the right to make their own choice.

Saltatrix · 16/12/2010 17:15

She should not tell her child that in future, he is alive by complete luck.

TwinklePants · 16/12/2010 17:26

I firmly believe in a woman's right to choice. Her body, her life, her decision. She's the one who will have to live with the decision after all. What I don't really agree with (although admittedly I haven't read the story so know very little of the context) is that she has likely been paid by Grazia to make this deeply personal and to many, upsetting, decision public. IMO she was wrong to do this, and it can only have a negative impact on her life, especially as her son grows up and starts asking difficult questions.

I am 15 week pregnant with my first baby after IVF and I only had one embryo put back. This was due to health reasons, but also because I didn't particularly like the idea of twins. Partly if I'm honest it was because I know that twins are more difficult to cope with than a single baby - in all senses of the word (physically/ emotionally/ financially - plus being a much greater strain on your relationship with your partner).

It also had a lot to do with the increased risks of the baby being born much too early (more common with multiples) and thereby likely to have physical difficulties, possibly throughout life.

I was warned that even with one embryo being put back that the egg could split, resulting in twins anyway and because I have problems with my cervix (which would mean that I be likely to lose both babies), my consultant said that if that happened I would have to consider selective reduction. It didn't happen so I thankfully didn't need to make that decision. Could I have done that? I still don't know.

TwinklePants · 16/12/2010 17:32

Btw, on a related note, when I had IVF I had 6 embryos that I could have potentially had put back (5 are now on ice!) as I walked down to theatre I was asked by the embryologist if I wanted to 'pop in and choose the lucky egg.'

There was no way I could choose my potential baby from a clutch of 6, so I just asked her to pick the 'best' one. It will be very strange when my baby is here to look at him/her and wonder what could have been if I had been the one to pick! But again, I did the right thing for me, and certainly the right thing for the little baby that is fluttering around inside me.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 16/12/2010 17:46

he is alive by complete luck.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 16/12/2010 17:47

"he is alive by complete luck"

And so are the rest of us.

(sorry for error above)

MrsTittleMouse · 16/12/2010 17:50

Yes, I was going to post that I am here through complete luck - lucky for me that my parents' contraception failed.

cantgetlaidingermany · 16/12/2010 18:06

If she had to make the this decision for her family then fair do's...it's her right.

But I have a big problem with her selling the story, it just seems crass. I don't see what good it will do her DS if he reads it or what telling him will acheieve.

jessiealbright · 16/12/2010 18:13

Well, same goes for so many of those stories in Chat/That's Life type magazines.

Saltatrix · 17/12/2010 09:42

Yes we are all 'luck' but I think there is a difference between saying you were unexpected to saying your alive because the doctors forceps missed you. (yeah I know not all done with forceps the sentence just seemed to flow)

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