to think that you cannot invite someone's DCs for Christmas without also inviting their DSCs?

[gottanamechangeforthis]

My family always get together for Christmas at my GPs. It's been that way since shortly before the signing of the Magna Carta. And she lives a six hour drive away, so it inevitably involves an overnight stay.

I've been married to DH since 2007, and he has two DCs from a previous relationship. For the first two Christmases since we got married, DH and I organised with his (local)XW and her new DP for us all to spend Christams with the DSCs together. It has been mostly remarkably amicable.

However, DH and I had our own DCs (twins) in February, and my mum and dad are now putting pressure on DH and I to spend Christmas with the rest of my family at the GPs. Which is fair enough, except that my parents and GPs are stipulating that we must bring only the DCs and leave the DSCs with XW. They don't have space for four children, and they don't approve of the DSCs and their table manners anyway.

Certainly, we could muddle together some sort of diplomatic arrangement to ensure that both my family and the DSCs get equal time with the DCs, and I'm sure both the DCs and my parents would be grown-up about it. But given how hard the DSC's family has worked to be welcoming and accommodating to the DCs (XW has come round with meals when I've been too tired to cook, and has babysat a few times when the CM was ill), the unwelcomingness of my family seems very harsh.

But AIBU to think that, as a general social principle, you cannot invite a person's DCs without inviting their DSCs?

Gosh no, I think it's a bit cruel actually.

YANBU

I think that if you've got twins and step-children then it's time to organise xmas at your own house

It does seem a bit mean not to invite them but if it is a question of space could you all stay in a nearby bed and breakfast?

I would try to work out a way of pleasing everyone but at the same timemake it clear your DH comes as a package.

agree with bubble invite everyont to yours, they can choose to accept or decline.

YANBU how rude of them

NO! It sounds like you and your dh and his ex wife have handled this situation with real grace. do NOT allow your family to spoil it for the sake of Christmas.

We did that last year, and XW and I cooked together. But my family wouldn't travel that far, so it doesn't really take things forward.

I think you can invite dcs without dscs, although it could be seen as unfriendly. But I don't think you can at Christmas, which is meant to be a time of peace and joy, not family disagreement. I would not like the idea of anyone "stipulating" who can and cannot come, and I think if they want to have you four, then if the extra two come too, as part of the deal, then so be it and the extras should be accepted as part of a new shape family. Also given ex wife has been so friendly, not taking the two dscs seems very harsh, as you put it.
If you can afford it, why not see if you can find a b and b or travellodge you could stay in, thereby answering the "no room at the inn" issue. If this is not possible, and given you probably have many years of this ahead, I would just say in the nicest possible way that you want to spend Christmas with ALL your children, and therefore might just have to stay at home.

Thanks, though, for reassuring me I'm NBU.

If you and DH and all the children go to the grandparents, will that leave the mother and DP alone? If so they may not be happy that they are not seeing their children on xmas day. If this is the case then it may be time to rota it around. One year just the twins and your side, next year everyone to you, next year you spend with ex-wife etc.

But what message would it send to the DSCs to be relegated to a B&B when my sister and three cousins and all of their DCs (five between them) all pile in to my GPs in sleeping bags? The "shortage of space" is a dismal excuse, and the DSCs would realise that the minute they walked into the house and saw how big it is. My family simply don't want the DSCs.

So WIBU to demonstrate to the DSCs how my family feel about them (though I'm sure they've already picked it up) by booking a B&B whilst everyone else is at the GPs?

"my family wouldn't travel that far". You are the one with the babies, it is unreasonable for them to expect you to do more traveling.

I think you need to tell your family that between you and your DH, you have 4 children, not 2. they can choose to invite you and all your DCs, or none of you, you won't be offended at that, but it's not acceptable to ask your DH to leave some of his DCs at home.

BTW - if your parents want to see their DGC at Christmas, they will have to get over the 'not travelling' thing. Far easier for adults to travel than a family with babies/small DCs.

Good point. The first year, XW took the DSCs on holiday to South Africa and DH and I went to my GPs. The DSCs were so excited by the trip they didn't mind being without DH for Christmas. But without the DCs it didn't seem such an issue.

You're right, I know. I suppose I just feel guilty about my parents, who are playing the "oh but you live so far from us and we see so little of the twins" card on us. But yes, they know they are welcome any time. Thankfully, we have plenty of room ourselves as the DSCs love sharing when people come [odd children emoticon]

you're family are mean. plain and simple. the way you, DH and XW have been able to get past any problems and get along for the dcs and sdc is admirable and your parenst are being infantile about it. i wouldn't please them to go at xmas. i would tell them that no, you will be having Xmas dinner with all your children and that they are welcome to join you providing they have respect for all present in your home.

I think you need to stand up to your parents and tell them that your family is you, your husband, the children you share and his children from his previous marriage and they either accept that package or bog off.

You must not allow your parents to reject your husband's children, that is dreadful. Cruel to the children, sending them the message that they are lesser beings AND hugely disrespectful to your husband. They are all his children. And are of equal importance to him.

I think you need to just stay at home for Christmsa and enjoy your dt's first Christmas without any hassle from your gps. Are your parents accepting of your dsc or do they support your gps?

It sounds like you have a good set up with your dsc and their mum and her partner, it would be a huge shame to rock the boat now. Besides, I'm sure your dsc will be looking forward to spending the day with their baby siblings

please please please don't book your sdcs into a b&b while everyone else is at your GP's, they don't deserve that.

You need to send the message out loud and clear this Christmas, otherwise you are going to have the same problem year on year. [speaks from bitter experience, not regarding children, just parents!].

Won't ex wife want to be with her kids Xmas Day?