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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that you cannot invite someone's DCs for Christmas without also inviting their DSCs?

51 replies

gottanamechangeforthis · 15/12/2010 17:39

My family always get together for Christmas at my GPs. It's been that way since shortly before the signing of the Magna Carta. And she lives a six hour drive away, so it inevitably involves an overnight stay.

I've been married to DH since 2007, and he has two DCs from a previous relationship. For the first two Christmases since we got married, DH and I organised with his (local)XW and her new DP for us all to spend Christams with the DSCs together. It has been mostly remarkably amicable.

However, DH and I had our own DCs (twins) in February, and my mum and dad are now putting pressure on DH and I to spend Christmas with the rest of my family at the GPs. Which is fair enough, except that my parents and GPs are stipulating that we must bring only the DCs and leave the DSCs with XW. They don't have space for four children, and they don't approve of the DSCs and their table manners anyway.

Certainly, we could muddle together some sort of diplomatic arrangement to ensure that both my family and the DSCs get equal time with the DCs, and I'm sure both the DCs and my parents would be grown-up about it. But given how hard the DSC's family has worked to be welcoming and accommodating to the DCs (XW has come round with meals when I've been too tired to cook, and has babysat a few times when the CM was ill), the unwelcomingness of my family seems very harsh.

But AIBU to think that, as a general social principle, you cannot invite a person's DCs without inviting their DSCs?

OP posts:
Original poster
gottanamechangeforthis · 15/12/2010 18:18
OP posts:
maryz · 15/12/2010 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RJRabbit · 15/12/2010 18:20

You're going to have to tell them in no uncertain terms that you'll be staying home this year, where all of your children are welcome.

There'll be raised eyebrows, but they'll probably be ashamed of themselves so won't have too much to say.

saffy85 · 15/12/2010 18:20

Firstly I think it's great that you can all be so civilised and mature enough to spend christmas dinner all together Smile wish my own parents (and others!) could be so mature.

YANBU. Your DSCs are part of your family, and it sounds like they are a big part of your set up. It would be unfair to exclude them based on what seems to solely be their table manners Hmm I think it sucks that your family have put you and more so your DH in a difficult position by inviting you all along minus his older children. Please don't exclude them, they could end up so hurt Sad

Gissabreak · 15/12/2010 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
gottanamechangeforthis · 15/12/2010 18:21
OP posts:
Original poster
gottanamechangeforthis · 15/12/2010 18:23
OP posts:
maryz · 15/12/2010 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
gottanamechangeforthis · 15/12/2010 18:27
OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 15/12/2010 18:27

Yadnbu.

Your family sound dreadful IMO

I would be livid if I were your dh, I would also expect you to stand up for me and the dsc.

Giftwrapped · 15/12/2010 18:29

I'd be bloody furious if it were my dsd being excluded like this. My family treat her as one of us, even now that I've separated from her Dad. If it were me, I wouldn't be going both on the grounds of her being made to feel unwelcome, and the need to stay local to her mum.

PuppyMonkey · 15/12/2010 18:29

I feel Sad for ex wife if you take her kids away on Xmas Day. Stick to your old arrangements, sounds much better.

PuppyMonkey · 15/12/2010 18:31

Being nosey, do the dscs live with you or ex-wife?

Original poster
gottanamechangeforthis · 15/12/2010 18:35

They used to live with us. Now that they're a bit older, it's around 50:50, but very flexible and informal and agreed mostly on goodwill.

But yes, I wouldn't want to leave her alone either. And if my family aren't going wholeheartedly to accommodate the DSCs, they're certainly not going to have her and her DP.

OP posts:
Tolalola · 15/12/2010 18:47

You sound like you have a lovely (extended) family with your DCs DSCs and even your DHs ex and her DP.

You'll have a good crowd for Christmas without your parents and GPs. I would have Chrsitmas at your house and tell your family that you won't be coming this year or ever again until your whole family is welcome.

They really are being extremely rude.

maryz · 15/12/2010 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
gottanamechangeforthis · 15/12/2010 19:20

That's so Sad Poor women. At least my DSCs have their mum.

OP posts:
zanz1bar · 15/12/2010 19:22

Unforgivable.
Your grandparents sound like the sort who trott out the blood line argument.

Do not accept this excuse.

At some stage you will have to explain to your dc why thier grandparents do not accept their brothers/sisters. Not a pleasant thought.

I made it very clear from the first introduction to my family that I would not tolerate this from the oldies.

As it turns out my Dsd spent every christmas from the age of 12 to 18 with my parents,. They have as close a relationship as the dc.

Maybe it is becuse my father is himself a step child who really felt the cold shoulder from his stepfathers family and I grew up watching this horrible treatment, that I feel so strongly about it.

And as it turns out it is my father and mother who are caring for my stepgrandfather not his own children.

It is a horrid attitude clocked in the talk of blood being thicker than water. If your grandparents called it like it is harry potter style 'MudBlood' you would be disgusted.

Muser · 15/12/2010 19:29

You are definitely not being unreasonable, all are welcome or nobody goes.

My grandad was divorced and remarried. His wife had kids of her own and a small army of grandchildren. We lived in a different country to them. She could easily have ignored us.

But she didn't. She treated us just the same as her "real" grandkids because as far as she was concerned we were. And her family have always welcomed us all with open arms whenever we went to visit. As far as they are concerned, blood has nothing to do with it. We're all family.

That's how it should be.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 15/12/2010 19:29

Your poor DH.

You do not need to be "diplomatic" as far as your family are concerned. In fact you need to be absolutely explicit about how outrageously badly they are behaving. Spell it out and tell them for as long as they cannot recognise that you have four children then you are unable to contemplate splitting your family to spend time with them.

muddleduck · 15/12/2010 19:29

And the award for most reasonable poster of the year goes to ... the op.

Ignore these loons.
Send a polite message saying that it a pity that they can't accommodate your whole family and that you will all be staying at home this year.

Original poster
gottanamechangeforthis · 15/12/2010 19:38

Yes, but I'm now realising how VU I'm being to DH. Gulp.

OP posts:
nzshar · 15/12/2010 19:40

Ah yes I have this with my mother. She sees my family as me, dp and ds ...cveniently fogetting dss. Have pulled her up about it numourous times.
Our line has always been our family has and will always be the FOUR of us. If you cant accoadate all of us then there will be none of us.

dignified · 15/12/2010 19:44

I think this is really awful of them , i second muddleduck , you must support your husband here .

SantasMooningArse · 15/12/2010 19:49

YANBU

And you sound as a group like you have handled the whole plit / new family thing very well indeed- very well done. You should be proud of yourselves.