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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you wise parents how you have answered tricky question like....

34 replies

WannabeNigella · 15/12/2010 15:36

Why does that lady have a mark on their face?
Why is that man so fat?
Why is that little girl black?
Why can't that man walk?

All totally innocent questions but I really want to have the right answer ready.

Any wise words from my fellow mumsnetters? So far I have gone with the "we're all different and that is what makes us all special" type thing but it's always been out of earshot of the person DS has spoken about.

Thank you!

OP posts:
ragged · 15/12/2010 15:39

I reckon your answer is the only right one. I also say things like:

1+2) I don't know
3) She has lots of dark pigment in her skin, you don't have so much so that's why you're not so dark
4) I guess his legs don't work very well

At some point, in age appropriate way, you need to explain that commenting loudly on someone's appearance is upsetting (rude) -- they wouldn't like it if other people talked about them that way, would they?

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 15/12/2010 15:40

Haven't got there yet but your stock answer seems fine! why change it?

I embarrassed my mum once in the supermarket queue - I was in the trolley seat and said very loudly "Mummy, what's wrong with that man's face?" Mum went scarlet, carefully snuck a look and there was a man with a HUGE ginger beard grinning at her! I don't think she had an answer...

curlymama · 15/12/2010 15:42

1 - Because that's her birthmark, just like my mole/your freckle
2 - Because he ate too many sweets and cakes
3 - Because and her family used to live in a sunny country and black skin doesn't need as much suncream
4 - Because his legs don't work properly

I like to be blatant with my kids.

Original poster
WannabeNigella · 15/12/2010 15:42

You've just reminded me of another one actually. We were out walking and passed 3 lads, late teens I guess, and one of them had a full on bright pink mohican. DS said, quite loudly, "Mummy, look at that man's funny hair!" My response was "Isn't it fabulous, I might do your's like it later".

Said lad smiled at DS and me so I think I got away with that one.

OP posts:
berri · 15/12/2010 15:43

I say to my niece & nephew something along the lines of everyone in the world being different shapes/sizes/colours etc etc....

Original poster
WannabeNigella · 15/12/2010 15:44

Curly, surely "2" is a bit too brusque though? I honestly wouldn't feel confident saying that in front of said person, if someone was to say that about me I would be mightily miffed!

OP posts:
Galena · 15/12/2010 15:45

'Because he ate too many sweets and cakes'?!

Not necessarily true.

And 'She and her family used to live in a sunny country' also might not be true - she may be a 3rd or 4th generation Brit.

AMumInScotland · 15/12/2010 15:45

I'd stick with that line, but don't worry about being out of earshot. I'm sure most people with a disability or birthmark etc would be happy to know that you are answering in that kind of way. Assuming they've heard the question, there's no harm (and possibly some good) in them hearing your answer. Possibly with a smile from you in their direction too, to make it clear you aren't embarrassed by the very concept of colour or disability.

Replies like "Some people are born with marks on their skin" or "sometimes people are born with parts of them not working as well as usual, or else they get damaged in an accident" aren't embarrassing to the person concerned, if you're explaining it to a small child.

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 15/12/2010 15:49

Xmas Confused I don't know either.

Walking into the chemist a few years, an elderly, stooped couple were walking slowly out. Ds, three at the time, loudly proclaimed "Oh look mum, those people are really old, they'll be dead soon"

Oh the shame Blush

AMumInScotland · 15/12/2010 15:49

But yes as they get older do add something like "It's not very nice to stare and make comments about people", or tell them that later. What's fine in a 3 or 4 year old is less ok in an 8 year old, and it's not very pleasant to be stared at or talked about as if you can't see or hear it, or don't have feelings.

TrillianAstra · 15/12/2010 15:54

Not a parent or wise but (assuming a youngish child)

Why does that lady have a mark on their face? - Some people are born with special freckles. Sometimes people get marks if the have had an accident
Why is that man so fat? - I don't know (wimping out)
Why is that little girl black? - Some people are born with different coloured skin the same wya people have different coloured hair
Why can't that man walk? - Again, maybe he was born that way, or maybe he had an accident, or maybe he is poorly

mjinsparklystockings · 15/12/2010 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

campergirls · 15/12/2010 15:56

curlymama, your answers 2 and 3 are jokes, right? we're not supposed to think you actually say stuff like that?

SummerRain · 15/12/2010 15:57

1 Because some people are born with birthmarks or get scars becasue of accidents. You have a birthmark and some moles and mommy has a bad scar on her face, the mark that lady has is just the same.

2 It's not polite to call people fat sweetie, that man is bigger than us but that's just the way he is.

Because skin comes in lots of colours... just like [dd] has darker skin and [ds1] has very pale skin there are people with yellow, brown and black skin as well.

Because sometimes people are born with legs that don't work or have an accident that stops their legs working... doesn't his chair look like fun though?

edam · 15/12/2010 15:58

Answers suggested so far sound good but mine to 'why is that man so fat?' would be 'it's rude to call people fat because it hurts their feelings'.

dockate · 15/12/2010 15:59

After lots of experiences like this, when you want the ground to open up and swallow you, I have arranged a secret signal with my two (DS 7, DD 3). They now grab my hand (often not especially subtly) and squeeze it. I know to look around for the ugly/ tattooed/ morbidly obese/ otherwise comment-worthy individual, and when we are somewhere private, said child then explodes with questions about them, knowing I have seen the 'correct' person, which I can answer appropriately.

This has worked brilliantly for us, but before then I had some truly awful moments, like when I met patients of mine in the street, who would comment politely about DS, only for him to ask directly "Mummy why is her bootom so enormous?" etc. The worst bit for me was knowing I'd be seeing them again, in the surgery, and trying to decide whether to apologise or pretend it had never happened...

hairyfairylights · 15/12/2010 16:01

prepare yourself for (both from DSD) 'why has that lady got such big boobies' (I said I donn't know, but wished I could have said - ooh yes, lucky her!)

and "where do babies come from"?

Mummy's tummys.

"but how do they get out"

to which my answer was a very spluttery "a very special place near the place you have a wee from. But perhaps you'd better ask your mummy that one as I have not had any babies yet". (cop out, I know, but Im sure her mummy would have been mortified had I told her!!)

hobbgoblin · 15/12/2010 16:01

Really difficult to come up with an accurate answer to all these. I say stuff like "I'm not sure, but it might be because their skin was made that way/because that man has got more energy in his food than he needed/because she has a difficulty with her legs from an illness or accident or because that's just how she was made, the thing is DC, it's just the way it is and it's better we talk about it later."

Sometimes, I get DC to ask the person.

hairyfairylights · 15/12/2010 16:01

sorry. mummys'????

LadyThumb · 15/12/2010 16:02
  1. Some people are tall, some small, some large, some tiny - we are all different
curlymama · 15/12/2010 16:03

I know it's not always the case that someone is so fat because they ate too many sweets and cakes, but the vast majority of the time, overeating unhealthy food is the main reason why fat people ar fat. I'm not likely to stary talking to a 5yo about hyperactive thyroids and the like, and of course if the person could hear I'd use the much nicer 'people come in all shapes and sizes' thing. But if they couldn't hear, I'd see it as a good opportunity to teach my child about the consequences of making unhealthy choices.

I don't think the majority of disabled people would be offended at hearing someone say to their child that their legs don't work properly, assuming it's a very young child. Of course some will, but that is more likely to be because they are struggling with their situation, not because the phrase is offensive. I have found most disabled people welcome the opportunity to show children they are just like the rest of us.

Laquitar · 15/12/2010 16:04

I tell them that we all come in different looks, colour, size and thats why we are interesting.

Once i told my ds that the world would be boring if we all looked the same and he said: 'yes and we would always lose each other because we would mix up our mum and daddy with another mum or daddy if everybody looked the same'.

hairyfairylights · 15/12/2010 16:05

agree curly I am fat at the moment because I eat too much and don't move enough.

dixiechick1975 · 15/12/2010 16:07

I usually say to DD we are all different/he was born like that the odd time she has mentioned something.

DD is usually on the receiving end of looks/comments as she has one arm.

Most mums shush, avoid the question in my experience. Some do the everyone is different line. The odd one says ask DD or her mum. In the US on holiday the response was god makes everyone different.

hobbgoblin · 15/12/2010 16:08

I reckon fat, disabled, ginger bearded, large norked people really baulk at the glossy replies we give.

Whenever I say to DC "dunno do you want to ask them?" they usually say no and go all shy.

You could try "because they are" and do the 'be nice to everyone' bit later whilst singing that song the ink is black la la la

You could just start singing that song loudly. That would cheer up the post office queue.

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