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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking there's not much more I can do for ds & his gf??

34 replies

nameynameynamechanger · 14/12/2010 13:20

I'm at the end of my tether with them both!! I apologise now, it's a long one.

Some background: both 19, and living in their own flat with a dog. Her mum apparently has on-going alcohol/depression problems and gf does an awful lot for her. Mum threw her out last year, and she came to live with us. They then got their own room in a shared house without telling us, until day or so before they were moving out! Now they have a flat.

Since then they've been so up and down that it's driving me nuts. She loses her rag and physically attacks ds2. She's a tiny thing next to ds2 and if I hadn't seen the evidence then I wouldn't believe it either, and her family don't which has resulted in all sorts of threats being hurled at ds2, police involved etc etc.

Anyway, I thought they'd sorted themselves out after the last time when ds2 moved home for a couple of nights, but they're kicking off again. Gf has had a tummy bug over weekend and now ds2 has it, and they're arguing and she's getting violent.

I don't know what to do, and I am really really fed up with it all! Having been in an abusive marriage myself, to ds2's father, I know that ds2 won't leave until he's good and ready and I just feel I can't do anything else for them now. AIBU??

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 14/12/2010 13:26

What a nightmare. I don't know what to suggest other than encouraging your DS to disentangle himself from this relationship.
Sorry.

Original poster
nameynameynamechanger · 14/12/2010 13:30

I've tried that, and it's what I would like more than anything, but he's always gone back. So now I'm trying to be supportive about it, but it's horrible to see and it's distressing for me when it always seems to be when I'm at work.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 14/12/2010 13:30

Oh god how awful for you to have to stand by and watch this. I have no idea what you can do but my only suggestion is be there no matter what for him - eventually it WILL end and he will need you more then ever. If you ever see evidence of it again then I would be more than inclined to call the police.

IAmReallyFabNow · 14/12/2010 13:38

YANBU and this must be so hard for you.

Have you tried talking to your ds about how he felt when you were being abused/hit/attacked by his father? Maybe then he will understand how you are feeling now he is the one being hurt.

Make sure he knows he can come home at no notice and will have your support.

Have you tried talking to her? Have you built a friendship with her?

mumbar · 14/12/2010 13:40

Your doing the best you can for your DS. Your there for him, and offering a home when he needs it.

I don't have any advice other than continue as you are. At least he knows when he decides to leave permantly your there for him.

Oh and well done for escaping yourself. I'm sure DS2 would have seen your courage and will find his own.

Original poster
nameynameynamechanger · 14/12/2010 13:44

Thanks for your replies.

prettyfly - I'm loathe to call the police tbh, as last time they arrested him, despite the complaint being about the gf. He had obvious bruising and scratches to his and neck, but they decided to keep him in and he accepted a caution. Stupid, stupid boy but he didn't really know what he was doing.

IARFN - I have tried talking to her, but didn't really get anywhere. She seems to be a real Jekyll and Hyde character, because to me and my family she comes across as very quiet, shy and unassuming, but ds1 and ds2's friends tell me she's quite awful and has a mouth like a sewer.

Ds2 knows he can come home any time.

OP posts:
Original poster
nameynameynamechanger · 14/12/2010 13:45

mumbar - x-posted. Thank you.

OP posts:
iPaddle · 14/12/2010 13:50

Bloody hell. Horrible situation.

I think - if the police wont take it seriously - then I would want her to know, in no uncertain terms, that you are aware of whats goig on and exactly what you think of it.

Other than that, really its down to him. He'll stay as long as he wants to. And sadly plaenty of abused people stay.

IAmReallyFabNow · 14/12/2010 13:51

Could you make a complaint to the police?

onmyfeet · 14/12/2010 13:52

She sounds exactly like a relative of mine, even the age and size. She lives far away but I see it all on facebook.
Was she calm living in your house?

monkeyflippers · 14/12/2010 13:55

I'd go back to the police and try to explain the situation. Not sure if they have a department that deals with men being abused but they should have.

Feel very sorry for your son. Could you convince him to live back with you? Say that he could still see her but that he wouldn't be right in the middle of a very dangerous situation.

Gogopops · 14/12/2010 13:56

OMG this sounds awful. Do you know why he stays with her? Does he love her? Was the violence going on when they both lived with you?

You must keep trying to encourage him to leave her and be as supportive to him as possible.

Try to get him to leave before there's any children on the scene otherwise it will make things a lot more complicated for everyone.

Original poster
nameynameynamechanger · 14/12/2010 13:57

Yes onmyfeet - perfectly calm. Quiet as a mouse actually, really came across as the "wouldn't say boo to a mouse" type. But I have to say Facebook does reveal a different side to her personality.

Ds is now texting saying he wants to leave, I just hope that's it now but somehow I doubt it.

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 14/12/2010 13:58

Stay clam and maybe text back that he can come straight to yours if that is what he wants.

Original poster
nameynameynamechanger · 14/12/2010 14:01

That's what I have done. I also said that we can't really be doing the backwards and forwards any more. This is because I also have 4yr old dd, and it's really disturbing and disruptive for her. She'll go to bed and he's not there, wake up and he's back and then 2/3 days later he's gone again. She doesn't understand - thank God!

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 14/12/2010 14:03

Just be careful he doesn't think you are putting the little one first. Get him home first and then discuss house rules, etc.

onmyfeet · 14/12/2010 14:03

Same with the one I know. She really needs guidance and help, but she exhausts people. Sadly there is a baby involved. Your son may be better off without her, maybe if he left, and she got some help, they could work towards a better relationship. If her mother suffers depression, she may as well.
I hope he takes some time away from her and thinks about it.

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 14/12/2010 14:04

I would ring women's Aid for advice, Here are there numbers:

CALL: 0808 2000 247 0808 2000 247

EMAIL: [email protected]*

monkeyflippers · 14/12/2010 14:05

Find a way to explain to your 4yo that he might be coming and going for a while, so that the door is always open for him. DON'T give him an ultimatum or anything, like if you leave again you can't come back. That's how your text may have come across. You will be sending him into her arms.

MrManager · 14/12/2010 14:07

Domestic violence.

piprabbit · 14/12/2010 14:07

Could you print off the booklet from this site and give it your DS to read.
Sounds like he needs to come to his own conclusions about his relationship.

Original poster
nameynameynamechanger · 14/12/2010 14:09

And it's changed already.......

He's staying at the flat tonight and she's going to her mums.

I hadn't thought of Womens Aid, even though they were great for me. Doh!!!

The gf is on ad's and is apparently having counselling already, although she seems to blame ds for that. I'm not sure why.

I'll ask dh to have a chat with ds later. Although he's not ds's father he's done more for him than his real father, and ds really listens to him. Sometimes I think I find it hard to deal with as it's just too close for me.

OP posts:
glovesoflove · 14/12/2010 15:56

:( this must be so hard for you, I am trying to imagine myself in your shoes in 18 years time and you must want to just go and get him and lock him in his room so she can't hurt him.

Does the gf self harm? Just wondering as two friends of mine who put up with unbelievable amounts of shit for years both did so due to their partners self-harming if they tried to leave. I'm not sure if a 19-year-old, in love, can grasp that it isn't his fault in those circumstances, maybe worth having a chat to see if he's afraid she'll "do something silly" if he ends the relationship or moves out?

Also, do they drink/smoke weed? If so they need to stop, as it will only be exacerbating these problems. If your DS stops drinking/smoking for a few weeks it may help him see the situation more clearly and if they both stop they might get along much better without the violence.

Would your son go to Relate? He sounds like he might see himself as responsible for his gf and want to "rescue" her, don't know if talking to a relationship counsellor might help him? I'm guessing they wouldn't see them as a couple due to the violence.

You sound really lovely, I hope things work out well for your DS and that his gf gets the help she needs.

MrManager · 14/12/2010 19:59

glovesoflove

" the violence" " the violence"

her violence

SantaIsMyLoveSlave · 14/12/2010 20:12

In the context of glovesoflove's sentence, the violence is entirely correct. The official police record shows domestic incidents with OP's DS being the only one with a DV record (as he accepted a caution) for it, so from Relate's can-we-counsel-them-as-a-couple point of view (which is what glovesoflove is talking about) it would be at best the violence, or potentially his violence.

The actual problem, of course, does appear to be her violence (at least from OP's perspective), but glovesoflove wasn't talking about the underlying problem but rather why Relate wouldn't see them as a couple.