in thinking there's not much more I can do for ds & his gf??

[nameynameynamechanger]

I'm at the end of my tether with them both!! I apologise now, it's a long one.

Some background: both 19, and living in their own flat with a dog. Her mum apparently has on-going alcohol/depression problems and gf does an awful lot for her. Mum threw her out last year, and she came to live with us. They then got their own room in a shared house without telling us, until day or so before they were moving out! Now they have a flat.

Since then they've been so up and down that it's driving me nuts. She loses her rag and physically attacks ds2. She's a tiny thing next to ds2 and if I hadn't seen the evidence then I wouldn't believe it either, and her family don't which has resulted in all sorts of threats being hurled at ds2, police involved etc etc.

Anyway, I thought they'd sorted themselves out after the last time when ds2 moved home for a couple of nights, but they're kicking off again. Gf has had a tummy bug over weekend and now ds2 has it, and they're arguing and she's getting violent.

I don't know what to do, and I am really really fed up with it all! Having been in an abusive marriage myself, to ds2's father, I know that ds2 won't leave until he's good and ready and I just feel I can't do anything else for them now. AIBU??

I know. But if these roles were reversed, and the man hitting the woman, posters would be calling him a cunt, telling OP to call the police, linking women's refuges, etc. As it is, there is a sense that the violence is a third party in their relationship, that she needs help, that they need counselling, etc. Not so quick to judge.

I agree MrManager - violence from women against men is one of those unseen and unrecognised things. Ds is a big lad, nearly 6ft and big built, if you didn't know him you probably wouldn't believe it.

It reminds me of how dv used to be seen and dealt with 15 years ago, which was when I was the victim. It was almost brushed off....

I can't actually get hold of ds now which is a bit worrying. He might have gone to work but I think it's unlikely as he's recovering from tummy bug. Just waiting now.

Does she know that you know how badly she is treating your ds?

I'd start to keep a record of everything you know, write everything down, but don't let either of them know that you are doing it. Get together as much evidence as you possibly can that she is abusing him. Pictures would be a huge help. As you have said, he won't leave untl he's ready so they could be together for alot longer. When they do finally split, he may well be very grateful that you have some evidence of the abuse, you never know when or why he might desparately need it.

Do what you would do if this were a woman being battered.

She is abusing your DS and he knows it. He's being controlled by her and needs to go through same exit plans and strategies as you see on here and as WA has helped you.

Please get him out.

Never promise crazy a baby.

Username/comment synchronisation complete!

Posters have told the OP to call the police and Women's Aid. And that she should encourage her DS to leave the relationship ASAP. The getting counselling suggestions are against the context that when the police have got involved it has done the OP's DS more harm than good (in fact, it's the police involvement that has made it so that Relate would focus on the violence rather than her violence) and that her DS will seemingly not make the decision to leave at this point. Everyone agrees on what ought to happen they are just proposing damage limitation strategies in the interim while the DS comes to that realisation himself (which is the only thing that is going to trigger getting him out of this and I've seen that said on any number of abused-women threads, too; until the victim makes a final decision not to put up with the abuse any more there is a limited amount that outsiders can do).

I have heard that WA and the National Domestic Violence helpline refuse to talk to male victims of DV.

Instead, there are the Men's Advice Line and ManKind. There are others but I've called both of these myself and they're good people.

It is, sadly, not that uncommon for the police to assume that any violence in a relationship is coming from the man. Until and unless he's ready to leave, the best advice you can give him is to walk away and leave the house whenever she starts getting abusive. Given that he has already accepted a caution for DV then he's going to be under suspicion so he has to do everything he can to remove himself from the situation to avoid any further prosecution.

If possible, also see if you can get him to read this. It's written by a clinical psychologist and gives both an excellent overview of abusive practises as well as a low-risk method of removing oneself from such a relationship.

Thank you so much all for your advice and support, particularly Snorbs for the above post, it's very informative reading.

Update: I'm sure you all know what I'm going to say! Loved up statuses on Facebook and ds informs me that they've decided to never argue again..... Apparently the gf even phoned up ds's dad and gave him a mouthful!! My xh is the worlds crappiest dad to ds2, whereas ds1 is another story, so it's not entirely undeserved actually. But it wasn't for ds2's benefit, it was because she was angry!

I feel a bit head/wall, head/wall about it all tbh, but will still always be there for him.