to want to help my friend financially

[bathbuns]

Ordinarily I wouldn't lend money to people, from the point of view that I don't have much and you should only borrow what you can afford to not get back.
But I have a good, good friend, who lives in. lets say, South Africa (not the real country) and he is in need. I've known him a couple of years; I met him on holiday - he was a tour guide who was just so ultra lovely and friendly and we have kept in touch since then. I went back to the same place twice so got to know him a bit better then too. Nothing romantic, he has a lovely wife and a new child. Just a good friend.
Over the last year I knew things were tough (we're facebook friends) but it has only recently come to light how bad things are. His son died a year ago (his wife has only just given birth again a month ago). Then his Dad died and a month later, his Mum. Then a car ploughed into him in the street and he broke his leg, I think another month after his Mum died. Then it turns out that he lost his home. He works, and has worked all the way through everything that has happened, so I have huge respect for him. He still has his job and is now living with his brother but it has all come out that his brother is very resentful of him living there and doesn't help him financially, and he is really struggling to make ends meet.
This lovely, generous, kind guy is struggling so much and I am finding it very hard to know that and not just walk away without helping financially. I know his story is genuine as far as anyone can know about anything like this.

Would I be unreasonable to help him? My friends and family would most likely be appalled because they would doubt his sincerity or think lending money is wrong. I really wouldn't be able to afford very much. I know he has to pay £1300 on a hospital bill for his late son. (I had to drag that out of him, he doesn't want money from me. He is ashamed that I know that he owes that) He is getting harrassed a lot about it, and I keep thinking if I could clear that for him it would make such a difference to him. But it is so much money. My gut instinct tells me I shouldn't lend him anything; lots of people are in his situation. But my heart breaks for him. He can't take any more. He has lost so much. His son was so beautiful.

What I want to do in all honesty is make a post here saying please if you read this can you give a pound each, we could make that money in no time, but I am not doing that because I am aware that a lot of people troll at this time of year and ask for money, and it's just not anyone elses responsibility. That's just where my thoughts lie when I lie awake at night when I'm desperate for a solution for him.

So what do I do? Would IBU to say to him I can't lend it? Would IBU to lend it? How do I walk away if I don't help him, knowing this lovely, good person is in deep trouble and can't earn the sort of money to clear his debt and keep his family afloat.

Eurgh, hope this post doesn't seem like money grabbing. That's not my intention, truly. I just needed to write this all down somewhere. I'm so worried about my friend and I keep imagining how I would feel if I was in his position. Life is fucking cruel at times.

Find a local charity and ask him to go see a representative? Tell us where the country is (Gambia?) and see if any mumsnetters are heading there & can check things out.
I have friends in several countries in Africa. Some working for charities.

spier i thought gambia too! that's where my friend is from.

Sounds like classic scam to me. Sorry. :(

there are literally thousands of them on romancescam.com
you won't believe how many have just lost relatives and been left with hospital bills to pay. they are usually ashamed to ask for money, but they have to.

this one may be genuine - but thats what everyone thinks - theres really no way of knowing for sure

I live in a very poor country and literally every week I hear stories like this get asked for money for hospital bills. It may well be true but even if it is please don't give more money than you can afford to lose. He may well have the best intentions of paying you back but IME there will always be other calls on his money and like someone else said there is a perception in a lot of places that people in countries like the UK are very cash rich so repaying you will come low down in his priorities.

If you do go ahead and try to help the idea of paying the hospital directly is a great one (this is what we do where we can help). But you may need a trusted third party to organise this (if you say where you are there may well be a MNer there who can help).

If he is such a lovely guy and has contact with tourists then maybe you're not the only one who knows about this and is thinking of helping so please don't feel bad if you can't help. It's hard to say no to someone in need, especially when you know them but sometimes you have to.

It is a scam and not even a very original one.

I just don't get why people fall for the same story over and over again.

YOU also sound dodgy as fuck with the: 'I don't want to ask, but am going to kind of anyway.'

If you haven't been receiving PMs from kind (but gullible) MNers I too will eat my hat.

YUCK.

I'd only pay the hospital bill direct not hand over cash, so ask him which hospital and phone them up and clear his bill, using a credit card (so you are covered if anything dodgy comes of it).
You're a very sweet person though and even if it is a scam you mean well and that's good of you but nobody wants to see you taken for a ride.

Wow, say what you think Morloth.
OP, I think it's a scam too. We lived in Thailand for four years, and the number of men we know who were paying for sick buffalo, Dad's cataracts, Mum's pneumonia etc for their bargirl girlfriends was beyond stupid.
If he is in that much shit financially, how can he afford access to a computer?

Bathbuns, like Thanksamillion I also live in a country where lots of people are living in abject poverty (SA) with very little access to services such as healthcare etc.

Throughout my day I get asked for money - at every traffic light, in the street, people constantly knock on my door. And I find it very hard to say no at times, particularly when relatively I am so blessed and have so much, and they have literally nothing.

At times I get involved more than I should or can afford to, and I totally understand how you feel. But I think I have a fairly good bullshit detector, and am very experienced in dealing with this kind of thing.

I have helped people many times financially who have been victims of genuine tragedy. Yet recently, I got scammed. I won't bore you with the details, but it involved a man whose wife had died, and he was sleeping on the ground with an 18month old and a 6 year old. And I really believed him, and of course as a parent the sight of these filthy uncared for children made me want to save them. In the end I gave him the equivalent of about 70 pounds which is a huge sum of cash here. And I discovered that his story was all crap.

The point of this is that it can be really hard to witness suffering and feel like you're walking away, and that's what they play on. And its not just idiots who get taken in, these people appeal to your basic human decency, which is hard to turn off as you're finding out.

To be honest, your story does sound like a scam, you would be seen as a rich Westerner, and if they'd asked you for 1300 quid at the beginning you would have said no outright.

I don't believe the hospital bill story at all - in South Africa, hospitals are either private (and sadly he wouldn't have gotten through the front door of one without being a member of a medical aid scheme) or government. The goverment hospitals are grossly underfunded, understaffed (babies regularly die in queues waiting to see doctors ) but they are free. He wouldn't have a bill.

If you want to do something constructive with an amount of money you can afford, then perhaps a donation to Doctors without Borders (Medecins sans Frontiers) could help you with your feelings of guilt, which is what is being tapped into here. They do incredible and life saving work in even poorer African countries than this.

I have no idea if this is a scam or not, but agree with the poster who said, if he is in so much financial shite, how is he running a computer and internet? I would be very wary if I were you.

I'm a cynic. Scam.

Only give what you can afford and don't ask internet strangers to fork out.

I think the 'how is he affording a computer' is a bit a of red herring. I know a lot of people here who have old computers given to them by relatives who live abroad etc, and internet access is pretty cheap. I also know lots of people who treat my house like an internet cafe (which I don't mind) but there's no direct link between poverty and internet access!

OK, I appreciate that people do have access to computers and internet, but still think the OP is being scammed.

I think you're probably right in this case kreecher I've just got a bit of a thing about the internet access issue because I hear it a lot .

Perhaps it would help OP if you could tell us what country we're talking about? There are lots of experienced overseas MNers who might be able to give you some specific advice.

Morning all

To answer the question about internet access, he goes to an internet cafe. He used to be online lots because his family had a computer but hardly ever is anymore, I guess that's low on his priorities now, and the computer got sold.

Thank you so much to those of you who have been in similar situations or live in poor countries so who can understand a little of how I'm feeling. It's the fact that he lost his son that has tugged on my heartstrings so much. Even if his situation isn't real it's just brought me into too close contact with the idea that some people have truly shit lives without any kind of back up or support and there is nothing I can do about that. Like I knew that intellectually before but I feel like now I have seen it with my own eyes, and it's horrible. Life may be very hard over here but most people don't starve and die if they run into trouble, whereas elsewhere they do. It's fucking cruel. But c'est la vie.

I'm going to choose not to say the country for various reasons, but I have found a website online which has information about charities in that country. I will have a look through that. I'm still not giving him the money but maybe I can point him in the direction of a charity that can support him in some way, even if not financially.

Thank you again. It has helped so much to offload about this.

Sorry, I don't understand why you can't tell us which country it is.

If this is Egypt or similar run a bloody mile, this is exactly what they do day in day out.

They all have sad stories, that they trot out within literally minutes of meeting you.

Even if you can't help them, they will never drop you, because they play the long game, one day you might, just might be able to buy them this, slip them that.

I personally would not believe a word of anything.

H was asked for £500,000 in total, and still has to count his fingers if he shakes hands with people out there. People have stolen from his house while he has been in the loo, literally when it comes to money there is nothing that won't get said, or that would be off limits.

You are western, so therefore a cash machine. In some countries, you would be able to sleep with the bloke, or your P would be able to sleep with his wife if you wanted and it would be pretty openly insinuated. Anything for money. The Dead Son story may not even be true tbh. Like I said, when it comes to money out there, nothing is taboo.

Don't be a mug. Don't give to a charity out there either, give to a UK based charity that operates in that region.

LittleMiss.. just wanted to say that my friend who I lent money to was from Egypt,and he paid it all back as soon as he was able to. We met in RL though, not online, if that makes a difference?

This has scam written all over it.

I'm still waiting for the OP to come back.

The longer he spends reeling you in, getting you emotionally involved in his life, feeling sorry for him - the more money he can get from you.

You know him, you trust him, so much has happened to him yet he didn't come straight to you for money.

No, he got to know you, built up a relationship with you, you had to drag his problems out of him. Yes, con artists are very good at not wanting to tell you their problems until you drag it out of them!

Seriously, only give money if you are prepared to never see it again. If you ever get it back I'll eat my hat.

In the end, you can sell your story to take a break and get £250.

There is a site that finds out if these sort of things are scams...tis a very amusing site actually. Just cannot for the life of me remember the name.

Bathbuns - I'm in a rush tonight so haven't time to read the whole thread. It sounds dodgy to me. I say this because it sounds too much like a story one of my friends had off a guy she met on Match dot com. In her case the guy was an American (?) working in Nigeria. She'd even spoken on the phone to someone saying she was his 10 year old daughter etc etc. It all led to money lending in the end. Sorry if this isn't anything like your situation, but I'd be very, very cautious.

I think the question to ask is how someone would build up a bill for £1300 in treatment in the first place. In my experience, in countries which lack a state healthcare system, if you don't have the money, you just don't get treated. Harsh, but true.

Check for scams on here forum.419eater.com/forum/index.php and have a chuckle at the same time.