Almost 2yrs old and I cant take much more

[NorwegianMoon]

my daughter is 2 next month and i dont know what to do about her behaviour. ive never met a child so demanding with such a temper. the irony is we are so close, ive done all the right things ext bf, co sleeping complete bonding from day 1. but she is sch hard work, if im not holding her she screams hysterically (no tears). her scream is something else, its ear piercingly loud and it sounds like im beating her (im not).

She still has bm only sometimes for comfort, not actualy meals. But she wont eat food, whateveri give her she refuses. she follows me constantly, shes up until midnight every night, wont sleep in her own bed. no matter how many hours i spend settling her she gets up when i move away.

its making my life hell.

any ideas?

Do you have anyone who can come and stay with you for a while to help whilst you try to set up some boundaries with her and sleep train her?

My son is 2 on 5th Jan and is very strong willed, I use time out and warn him first and it is already making a difference, as long as I'm utterly consistent. It is exhausting though.

How are you feeling in yourself with all of this? Are you feeling low and struggling? Could you get some help with homestart? Or speak to your GP too?

I really like Chil1234 advice but I usually do. Lots of good ideas on here. Books I found that helped are this one, this one, this one and for sleep advice this one has been a huge help

I would be tempted to consider ringing a sleep clinic in your situation for some one on one advice though.

I need to dash back to actually watching my DCs but really wanted to post. It will get better.

I remember the twins episode. Was it the one where they made themselves sick with crying?

Have a look at the highly sensitive child. They still need to learn disapline but gives an insight as to how it might work with a HS child.

Of course you have given her the best, and with some changes you'll get the best out of her. I just think some childen need to be shown firm limits.

I also think all things need to be solved together as its all different manifestations of the same problem (ie her not having boundaries) I don't think the sleep can be solved without solving the constant BFing.

During the day do not hold her sit her on floor and engage with her playing with toys or games. If she screams then just leave her to scream (take her to room and let her scream there) she'll get bored eventually. Invite a friend round so they can play togehter. Or go to groups / park (I know hard in this weather) etc.

Do you have any friends who can help you with this?

I thought the same re her staying up til Midnight. I think sleep should be the first thing you sort out, it could have quite an impact on her behaviour.

well she hasnt always been this way 100% but she has always been very demanding at every stage of development.

Probbely due to the fact she has had to fit in around her older brother, shes grabbing for me now and crying.

no one will help, my dp says he needs to sleep for work, my mum says she too much hard work and my dad wont even entertain it.

Having a friend round wont help, shes fine with other people. shed saty on her own with any one of you all day ith no tears but when i am around it always has to be me, no one else will do etc

MumNWLondon - I have completely the opposite attitude re daytime sleeps! I will move heaven and earth to enable my dc to have a daytime nap for as long as possible. Ds1 was still napping, weekends, in Year 1. He needed it. I only limit the duration of the nap, and don't let them sleep after about 3.30pm.

I find that when my dc are overtired they behave worse, have more tantrums, are more likely to be non-compliant at bedtime and struggle to settle. When they are overtired the younger ones wake in the night and the older ones have nightmares.

So IMO restricting daytime naps may not be helpful. OTOH it doesn't sound like this is a dc who goes down for a nap easily. Daytime naps in the cot were one thing that I sacrificed when knuckling down to sort out ds2's behaviour (he fed to sleep), but he continued napping in buggy and car.

NorwegianMoon I have no advice, I just wanted to say you have my utmost sympathy. This sounds like a living hell.

I've posted on your other thread, but I'm going to post here as well.

Either your DP is working seven days a week, or he has some days off. I'm assuming he does get some days off, in which case there are some nights that he can help you. I would suggest asking for help on those nights, and start the continual return to bed process with him.

I think if you can get your DD to bed before midnight, without screaming, it will be easier to sort out the other issues. Particularly because you yourself will be less tired and feel more able to tackle them.

And ask your parents to look after your DS when this is happening! If they won't help with DD directly, it is worth asking for this instead.

Prettycandles - my DC are 4 and 7, and I have found that if they sleep in the day (past around age 2-2.5) then they just wouldn't go to sleep at night.

Its trial and error what works for each child at each stage - at age 2 both of mine were still sleeping for maybe 30 mins at lunchtime - anymore than that and they wouldn't settle at 7pm. I found for both DD and DS1 I had to cut down the long lunch-time sleep from around age 2 otherwise I couldn't get them to bed at 7pm, hence my comments - ie if she sleeping a lot in the day, maybe in a buggy?. But yes an overtired child isn't ideal either so if she does need some daytime sleep then the OP needs to address this too.

By age 3, DS1 had 15 mins in buggy on way home from nursery, any longer and he wouldn't go to bed at night. However for DD she had no daytime sleep at all from around age 2.5.

Now DS1 is 4 if he has any daytime sleep I can't get him to bed until late.

I have also witnessed this with a couple of friends of mine who have co-slept/BF on demand/worn their baby constantly- lovely in theory but children need to know where the boundaries are. It is your job as a parent to set those boundaries, if you don't she will push and push until either:
1)you have a mental breakdown from exhaustion (like one of my friends nearly did)
or
2)You stand up and be a parent, not a friend and that means setting clear limits and helping her be independent.
She needs a regular routine and not to be picked up and BF on demand- carry on with the BF if you like, but at the end of the day when she has eaten.
Try using 'When - then" tactics
eg: when you talk properly then mummy will answer you" (for screaming/whining) ignore until she does this.
or: when you have eaten your dinner then you can have Breast milk/toy/story whatever.
You need to start setting the boundaries now and prepare her to be independent before she starts childcare/school! Good luck!

Can you get out of the house during the week? My niece was similarly sensitive and wailed like a banshee if someone tried to put her down. My IL's had tried the 2 minute naughty chair technique but she would just carry on sobbing for hours. Someone at playgroup suggested that maybe she needed her more stimulation to try and tire her out.

After a fortnight of being taken out and about every day to new experiences (nothing exciting or costly; a trip to a different park to collect conkers, a ride on a bus, a visit to a busy train station, anywhere a little bit scary for a 2 year old) she had calmed down. She still looks for comfort when she is in a new environment but is a lot more confident and chilled out at home now. It also tired her out so she sleeps better. Might be worth a try.

And please ask some friends to look after your DD for a couple of hours during the week, just so you can recharge and rest. I'm sure they won't mind at all, they'd probably hate to know you were struggling.

No advice, but just huge sympathies. My DD is 10 months and follows me everywhere, climbing my leg and wanting to sit on my knee. I'm finding it really hard not to have any personal space, and I only have the one child. Did not breastfeed and she has been in own room since 10 weeks, so cannot imagine how weary you must be from it all.

Was your son the same? What time does she get up of a morning - she must be exhausted, and therefore grumpy.

If she is ok with other people as you say, maybe a couple of afternoons at nursery/playgroup would be good for her.

Have you got a baby too? And where is your other thread?

The other thread is here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1103860-almost-2yrs-old-and-i-cant-take-much-more

thanks . Have replied on there OP

I doubt you are in the frame of mind at the moment, but another book I'd recommend is Saying No, by Asha Philips. It looks at why it is so important to set limits.

But more than anything, you need emotional and physical support from your DH

Good grief, please don't put chilli powder on your nipples, that is such a cruel way to wean. Much better ways to wean if you wish to do so.

I think the breastfeeding issue is a red herring. Just bear in mind your could wean your daughter and find the rest of the behaviour her temper and food refusing continuing.(or getting worse without the comfort she will derive from nursing)

Is the work you do at weekend essential or could you drop it/cut it down so you get chance for a break at the weekend whilst your DH looks after her.

I would ask your friends to take her for a regular couple of hours, sounds like she is well behaved for them. Maybe over a meal time and kill two birds with one stone.

I think it might help to remember that it is actually quite scary for a child to feel that their mum is not in control. As others have said, children need firm boundaries and consistancy in order to feel secure.

Working on a regular routine of meal times and bedtimes - the same every single day, will help - it may take time, but it will work eventually. Little children need to know what is coming next - at almost 2 your dd will be able to understand if you tell her at each stage what is going to happen.

It will get better, but you have to be very clear in your own mind what the routine is going to be, and stick to it.

I think your partner needs to help.
I think he needs to put her to bed. No doubt she will be very different with him. Tell your DD that mummy has to go out and either go out, or go down and pretend to go out.
She's still got a loving parent with her; there is NO problem for her in this scenario.
If she wakes in the night, he needs to deal with her. In my experience night wakings are often much reduced when it's dad who answers you and not mum.
I think if your partner takes charge of this aspect of life for a while, this will at least give you a break and some time to yourself and you can think when and how to combat the other stuff.
But in my humble opinion your partner needs to help you here. Saying he has to sleep for work is a big cop out UNLESS he is a brain surgeon and even then he could do weekends to start with. He is a father and has responsibilities at home as well as at work.To be honest it seems very mean of him to have let you struggle on like this to the point where you are at the end of your tether.

No no I'm sure the chilli powder was so OP wouldn't breastfeed, not so the LO would get it!

yep the chilli powder mentions by a previous poster was def so op wud not have the temptation to bf not to give the poor child lol