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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD grandmother looking after daughter overnight

76 replies

otchayaniye · 13/12/2010 10:46

This is more of a WWYD and I?ve half answered my question typing this out. But I thought I?d canvass opinions. I?ve got a friend?s 40th in a posh hotel and it will go on until late - 3-4 am. She?s flying in from abroad and has given us ample warning. I really do want to go and want to be there with her and our friends.

Initially her grandmother (MIL) offered to take her for overnight. She?s been clamouring to do this for ages and ages and at 2 years and 2 months (and no longer breastfed to sleep) I thought she might be ready. She knows grandma well, loves her, and sees her for a good few hours every week as my husband visits his parents each week on one day I work.

Anyway. All fine I thought but now the actual date is approaching I?m feeling nervous. She cares for her husband, who has Parkinsons and although I don?t think it will be a competition for attention (she ignores him!) it?s left her a bit frazzled. I worry that if my daughter says she wants to go home or has trouble going to sleep (she?s a bad sleeper) it will all go a bit wrong. She has two large dogs ? pointers ? who have been fine around her, but hey, they are dogs and grandma lets her wander about the place. Ultimately, the biggest thing that worries me is that she?s 2 hours away in the countryside (we?re in SE London) and if the weather turns we could have bother getting to her.

Other options are getting a friend who has offered to sleep on our couch and one of us be late for the dinner as we get her to sleep/introduce said friend. But I worry that if she wakes up (she sometimes does, and recently a lot) she?ll see friend and freak out. That said I used a babysitter on a holiday recently ? she hadn?t even met her but was able to get her back to sleep without a problem (apparently)

Last option is use a sitter agency. Any recs? Are sitters.co.uk any good? Would they stay until early hours? This with this option is that I could get back in 20 mins if it all kicks off.

My husband is thinking along similar lines. Initially ?that?s fine? then thinking more, erm, maybe not. It?s hard though top get a sense of whether you?re being a bit precious if you?ve rarely used babysitters. Yes, I know go with your gut, but what if your gut is off kilter!

Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 13/12/2010 12:09

oops, x-post.

fwiw "I can't believe..." always gets my back up.

Original poster

otchayaniye · 13/12/2010 12:11

"Hardly suprising your own mother doesn't want to babysit if that's an insight into how you behave when someone says something you don't like."

That's just nasty. I posted a very long thread in relationships about my past with my mother (won't believe my rape, has been distancing herself since my father's suicide) and that is an area I'm on 'the edge' about. Thanks

Of course you are entitled to an opinion. But 'I can't BELIEVE' isn't an opinion. It is an out and out judgment, designed to imply a lack of caring on my part.

OP posts:

Original poster

otchayaniye · 13/12/2010 12:12

'Insufferable termagant' was so ludicrous, of course it was tongue in cheek. I do really believe when you debate you don't attack the person, but you can attack their opinions. I didn't mean it seriously.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 13/12/2010 12:15

Well I can't believe you have a MIL who is falling all over herself to have your DD overnight, someone your DD knows, loves and sees every week and now the opportunity presents itself and you are contemplating booking a sitter because of the travel (which DH does once a week normally anyway).

You were the one who said your daughter would 'freak out' if she woke to find your friend there (who she would have already been introduced to), let alone a stranger who she wouldn't have (unless you are going to pay the sitter to be there two hours early or let the sitter put her to bed).

Of course there is nothing wrong with using a childminder/babysitter/nanny/neighbour - I just said I can't understand why you would make that choice when you have a willing and able Grandparent gagging to do it.

NoelEdmondshair · 13/12/2010 12:15

You'd probably nitpick about your own mother, OP. You seem the type.

Original poster

otchayaniye · 13/12/2010 12:16

You could flip it.

"I can't believe how many people dump their kids on their grandparents rather than pay for childcare"

See? Judgmental without bringing anything useful to the issue.

OP posts:

Original poster

otchayaniye · 13/12/2010 12:19

I am contemplating alternatives because:

I don't want to overload her
I don't want her to get bitten by dogs (unlikely, but still)
I don't want her to wake up and be upset and me be 200 miles away if she's a job to resettle.
The weather this weekend could turn making the trip impossible (they are some way off a motorway and have been snowed in many times)
I personally don't mind about the travel as DH will be doing it.

OP posts:

Original poster

otchayaniye · 13/12/2010 12:21

I'm not a nitpicker. Far from it. Never have issued any edicts about how to look after her to anyone -- veiled or direct. I let my husband (her carer three days a week) do things his way. My child has to make her relationships with others in her/their way. I am not a control freak.

Just a few things niggling as when it comes down to it, I'm nervous about leaving my baby! Come on, who hasn't been?

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 13/12/2010 12:23

You called me an insufferable termagnant - a shrew, a quarrelsome scolding woman and I am supposed to take that 'tongue in cheek'? Really?

I don't do a full background check on each and every poster to see what their relationship is like with their Mother before I post. Why did you post such a 'throw away' line about her babysitting if there is a 'back story' bigger than War & Peace with her? What I said was not nasty.

ChippingIn · 13/12/2010 12:28

Don't be so patronising - she wants to have DD overnight, she has been asking to have DD overnight. How patronising for you to decide it is too much for her.

How many times has she been bitten by the dogs so far?

If she has problems 'resettling' Grandma will be there to cuddle, tell stories etc. If neither of them get a lot of sleep it wont hurt them for one night and it's not a given. She is just as likely to be fine.

If you seriously and honestly are worried about the snow - then keep her at home and tell your MIL that is why you are doing it. Tell her that when the weather is better you would love for her to have your DD. IF that really is the problem.

You are nervous about leaving her - all I was saying is that I would far prefer to leave her with a Grandma she knows and loves than a stranger who she doesn't know.

Good luck making your mind up and have a good night out.

Original poster

otchayaniye · 13/12/2010 12:29

Thanks for your thoughts people, maybe I am overreacting about the possible negatives and the rewards of grandma outweigh the risks.

And Chipping. It honestly wasn't meant seriously, but I do apologise.

OP posts:

DaydreamDolly · 13/12/2010 12:30

YANBU to worry about the things you are worrying about, but in my experience, it is never as bad as you think it will be.
Leaving your baby for the 1st time overnight is nerve wracking so I understand your temptation to have someone at your house so you can come home to her. I have had my MIL babysit at her house twice for DD (17 months) but not overnight as such, as we have gone back there to sleep after our night out. Overnight without you is a big step for us mums.
But, I think that you should be brave and let Grandma have her, and just ask Grandma if she wouldn't mind not letting baby and dog be alone together etc, she'll get the message. I have a large dog but would not be offended if someone was worried about their child with my dog. That's just good sense to be worried. They are animals after all.
Good luck and enjoy your night.

emmie31 · 13/12/2010 12:33

My 7 month old stayed with my mum for the 1st time on sat, she woke up and cried , but my mum coped, didn't phone me and cuddled her up on the sofa and she nodded off and all was well, so if I were you I wouldn't worry about that aspect, the weather would be my only concern..

Does your husband know your friend well? could you go on your own? unfortunately thats what me and my husband have to do so often as we don't have babysitters. (mother works full time so dont like to ask) I know its a shame as it sounds like a lovely night together for the pair of you but as it stands you may end up spending the whole night worrying about your daughter and not enjoying yourself.

Original poster

otchayaniye · 13/12/2010 12:34

Again, I don't want to drip. But she is carer for a dying man with advanced Parkinsons. She is frazzled and naturally (her personality) has a very short temper and is a bit, frankly, mad! She told em the other day it was all too much for her and she reached for a bottle of sherry at 11am - (not the whole bottle, she's not an alchy. She's just super stressed and what could start out being fun could turn stressy for her.

Nothing that totally renders her incapable of looking after a child, of course, but I don't want her to be going mad with a crying baby at 2 am in a tiny cottage, wake up the FIL, dogs barking and us unable to get to them.

OP posts:

emmie31 · 13/12/2010 12:34

Can i borrow your mother in law? mines rubbish

Original poster

otchayaniye · 13/12/2010 12:36

re the snow. well, last week my husband was stranded there. It's in the middle of nowhere. Forecasts are for more. So I don't think I'm being precious about the weather.

OP posts:

emmie31 · 13/12/2010 12:37

I think to be honest you have answered your own question, you wont be hsppy leaving your little girl with your mil, so dont do it, it will make you anxious all night.. maybe wait untill the summer and let her stay over then .

Animation · 13/12/2010 12:37

Otchay - you go with your gut feeling on this.

Original poster

otchayaniye · 13/12/2010 12:40

She's in a bit of denial about the dogs. They are her babies. FIL worries and keeps an eye when they are there (it stresses him out) but she just lets my daughter mill about the cottage upstairs and down and loses track of where she is. Husband's mentioned the dog thing but it hasn't sunk in really. I think at night she'll keep them out of the bedroom (they are going to sleep in the same bed)

OP posts:

RockinRobinBird · 13/12/2010 12:41

My nearly 3 year old has never spent a night anywhere but in my bed with me, she is the original Velcro child. We dont go out as we're not going out types so babysitters etc are an unknown quantity for her. I've been ill the last three weeks and at the height of it, MIL offered to have dd overnight to give us some breathing space. There wasn't a peep out of her, she loved every minute and I would have bet money on her crying all night. I was amazed. It won't necessarily be a disaster.

Hullygully · 13/12/2010 12:42

Grandma.

It will be by far the easiest. And as for her settling her etc, I imagine she's had kids of her own..?

Original poster

otchayaniye · 13/12/2010 12:43

Thanks RockinRobin. We co-slept (and still co-sleep some nights) for 2 years and I still feed her. I've not really had much call to get babysitters until now. We've seen friends and gone to the odd party in our building. But this I have to go to.

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 13/12/2010 12:44

LOVE insufferable termangant. also love Chipping.

forecasts are deffo for more snow, i wouldn't want to be that far from my kids in bad weather. but then i am precious because i WUV them SO much that i cried the other day when dd was stuck at school for (as it turned out) an extra hour cos of the snow and was all for hiking down there and digging her out myself.

you want to enjoy the party, OP, you won't if your kid is a gazillion miles away in a snowdrift.

AitchTwoOh · 13/12/2010 12:46

LOVE insufferable termangant. also love Chipping.

you want to enjoy the party, OP, you won't if your kid is a gazillion miles away in a snowdrift.

KnowNothing · 13/12/2010 12:55

I would take your MIL up on her kind offer. Caring for someone with Parkinsons is bloody hard work, tragic work, but it doesn't mean you can't look after a small child too. In fact I am sure your DD brings a lot of lightness into their lives tbh.

I don't see the dog thing as any more of an issue overnight than it is during the daytime. And as your DD spends a day a week there, I don't think you can use it as a genuine reason for her not to stay overnight.

It is normal to worry about these things but I think you are overthinking it.

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