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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should dh have let our som be pushed around to toughen him up??

47 replies

oranges · 13/12/2010 09:59

Am seething at this, but don't know if I'm overreacting. Dh's parents had a lunch party a while back - mainly adults with a few friends.
DS, who is 4, was playing in the living room and a neighbours son who was there was being a bit rough - hitting, shoving dh. His dad was there but just sat chatting to others, and didn't stop his son. DH tried to get ds to move away, but he refused (he can be quite mulish about things like that), and after trying ineffectually to stop the other child, he turned, quite sharply, to the dad and said "can you please control your son". |The dad did get a bit embarrased and tried to get his son to behave but couldn't and ended up taking him home.
DH's mum and sister have now complained, to me and to dh, that dh was rude, and handled it all wrong, and my SIL said he should have let ds get pushed around - its okay, and will toughen him up. I think its nonsense, and it is a shame the neighbour, who seemed very nice in other ways, had to leave, but I don't think dh did anything wrong, and I think its more important that ds felt that his dad would protect him. DS at no point hit or pushed back, but he also refused to be moved away from where the toys are.
SO, AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
oranges · 13/12/2010 10:00

argh - second par is meant to read DS, who is 4, was playing in the living room and a neighbours son who was there was being a bit rough - hitting, shoving ds

OP posts:
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 13/12/2010 10:02

No YA most definitely NOT BU. Your In laws are. Good for your dh. They are talking rubbish.

IMVHO there will be enough time for pushing and shoving around later on life when you cannot be there to protect him, at school etc Sad. Not just that is this what they want your four year old to learn that is normal to be shoved and hit and nothing gets done? Normalising this kind of behaviour in fact. I don't think so!

Tortington · 13/12/2010 10:02

i think there are ways and ways of handling these things

no you are not wrong in principle - but i think its about how it was communicated to the other dad.

hindsight being a very useful thing perhaps a conversation could have ensued where both dads came up with a plan to keep the kids apart - and happy whithout spoiling the party.

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 13/12/2010 10:03

Yes, agreed, it probably could have been handled better in that respect.

Tortington · 13/12/2010 10:03

some kids are rough to the eternal embarrassment of their parents - and it could well have been an ordeal for the other dad too

BuntyPenfold · 13/12/2010 10:07

Some fathers also like their boys to be aggressive to other children. They call this 'macho'.
Our village primary is plagued by 3 like that.

YANBU

Original poster
oranges · 13/12/2010 10:07

I agree dh could have handled the neighbour a bit better - they are both a bit awkward socially, and dh was getting a bit stressed by trying to handle the two boys while all other adults just sat and chatted. I'd have waded in a bit more cheerily and hauled one of them away but I was in the kitchen and oblivious.
I'm just seething at the criticism of dh, and suggestion that it was better to let ds get hit, than to risk offending the child's dad.

OP posts:
Unrulysun · 13/12/2010 10:07

No YANBU - it doesn't make people more confident and able to defend themselves if they get pushed around it makes them feel frightened and unsafe. Your in laws sound like real charmers!

thisisyesterday · 13/12/2010 10:10

no yanbu, your son should not tolerate being pushed around and hit

agree that your dh could maybe have handled it better... but he wouldn't have had to if the other parent had been keeping an eye on his child would he?

if it were me i'd have spoken to the child rather than the father and just said "that isn't very nice is it, stop hitting ds"

RJRabbit · 13/12/2010 10:21

YANBU, and I think it was a good lesson for the other boy to be taken home because of his behaviour.

GiddyPickle · 13/12/2010 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GiddyPickle · 13/12/2010 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 13/12/2010 11:11

Your DH could have handled it far better, and I can see why your MIL and SIL are pissed off with him.

otoh it is not OK at all for children to push each other around like that. I'm all for helping DCs build a bit of resilience, but your SIL is completely wrong.

AngelZigzagsSparklyYuletideLog · 13/12/2010 11:19

Toughen him up?? He's only 4!

Your SIL is talking crap.

Hope your planning on giving her a swift kicking to help her on her way to becoming tough. Or does she just think it's the way the lesson should be taught to little boys?

Original poster
oranges · 13/12/2010 11:21

hhmm. its that confidence building hting, isn't it? Dh and his siblings all lack confidence (whic is why dh also failed to deal with the other parent more politely.).

Dh is very aware he lacks confidence, and wants to make sure ds has it, and felt that it was more important that ds felt protected and safe in his grandmother's house, than that a neighbour not be offended.

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 13/12/2010 11:25

To build his confidence, make him feel safe, by protecting him. Which you did.

To undermine his confidence, let other children bully him. Then he will understand that he is not important to you.

What is wrong with asking the other parent to intervene?
it's always more awkward if you are a visitor too.

BuntyPenfold · 13/12/2010 11:31

I really hate the way people talk about 'toughening up' little boys.

Why? You don't hear it about little girls.

I wonder if there is any connection between this attitude and the higher rate of mental illness in the male population.Sad

RhinestoneCowgirl · 13/12/2010 11:35

yy Bunty - why should little boys be 'toughened up' by learning that it's ok to hit each other Sad. I have a 4 yr old DS and DH and I have spent a lot of time impressing on him that you don't hit other people.

Abr1de · 13/12/2010 11:40

It seems to happen a lot from about that age. I remember being stunned that parents would just sit and watch their boys clobber my gentle son. It was still going on when he was twelve. Some of the parents involved think that children need to be 'tough' in life and look after themselves, so don't intervene. Hmm

AngelZigzagsSparklyYuletideLog · 13/12/2010 11:45

I've always wanted my DD1 to toughen up bunty, but only so she's not so sensitive to what other DC say to her.

That doesn't mean I encourage her to endure other children saying stuff while I stand by watching her learn her lesson.

I only have girls, and I've never understood the 'big boys don't cry' trying to stop them from showing they're upset.

Of course I try to teach DD how to deal with being upset, but I'd never bring into it that it's because she's a girl.

TrappedinSuburbia · 13/12/2010 11:48

I really don't see how your dh could have handled it better in the circumstances, and no yanbu.
Your son is more likely to be confident knowing he has parents who will protect him.
He has to know he can trust his parents!

ShoppingDays · 13/12/2010 11:50

YANBU

ChippingIn · 13/12/2010 11:56

I think your DH could have handled it much better - he asked your son to move away but he refused - sorry, he's 4, either he does as he is told or he gets removed by his Dad. Your DH could also have said 'Come on DS let's go and see what Grandma/Mummy/the dog are doing' and removed him that way.

Yes the other guy should have stepped in - but he didn't. It is so rude to offend someone, in another persons house, when it can easily be avoided. I can see why your MIL/SIL are a bit pissed off tbh.

I don't agree with them saying he should have left it and he needs to toughen up - but you do need to teach him to stand up for himself and saying 'stop that - don't hit me'

Animation · 13/12/2010 11:56

Too bad that they were all embarrassed - but your DH did right to tell the guy to control his son.

The "it will toughen him up" was just a daft excuse.

The guy's kid's a thug and needed telling. If your DH's intervention was too embarrassing for everyone maybe THEY need to toughen up a bit. Hmm

BeenBeta · 13/12/2010 12:10

Your husband did the right thing. No your DS does not need toughening up and yes I too have met parents who think it is OK or even 'a good thing' that their DS bashes other DCs.

Dont sweat about it. Your SIL is wrong and the other father needs to get his son under control.

We have a couple of friends who have a son who is really mean and sometimes violent to other children. Once they were visiting our house and after a weekend of seeing him bash our sons and deliberatley ram them with his bike and break their toys I spoke to him sternly and sharply. It was only at that point that his father intervened. The problem was that before that he had sat watching his son do this for 24 hours and said nothing. I was just not going to let it go on any more.

Problem is that the boy has now started hitting his mother, quite serious bullying of other children at school and he is aged 10.

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