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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

should dh have let our som be pushed around to toughen him up??

47 replies

oranges · 13/12/2010 09:59

Am seething at this, but don't know if I'm overreacting. Dh's parents had a lunch party a while back - mainly adults with a few friends.
DS, who is 4, was playing in the living room and a neighbours son who was there was being a bit rough - hitting, shoving dh. His dad was there but just sat chatting to others, and didn't stop his son. DH tried to get ds to move away, but he refused (he can be quite mulish about things like that), and after trying ineffectually to stop the other child, he turned, quite sharply, to the dad and said "can you please control your son". |The dad did get a bit embarrased and tried to get his son to behave but couldn't and ended up taking him home.
DH's mum and sister have now complained, to me and to dh, that dh was rude, and handled it all wrong, and my SIL said he should have let ds get pushed around - its okay, and will toughen him up. I think its nonsense, and it is a shame the neighbour, who seemed very nice in other ways, had to leave, but I don't think dh did anything wrong, and I think its more important that ds felt that his dad would protect him. DS at no point hit or pushed back, but he also refused to be moved away from where the toys are.
SO, AIBU?

OP posts:

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 13/12/2010 12:14

Your DH was in the right to stand up for your DS and to ask the dad to take control of his own son. Too bad if the other dad had problems; too bad if they had to leave because of it - his DS needs to learn to behave in a socially acceptable manner.

Your SIL's comment was utterly stupid. No doubt she was embarrassed that her brother had said something that led, indirectly, to a guest leaving early - but her priorities are all wrong and of course a 4yo should not be left being bullied to "toughen him up".
GOD how I loathe that idea that small DC need "toughening up"!

Hullygully · 13/12/2010 12:14

Of course dh was right. More tact would have been good, but the clear and important point is that the behaviour was wrong and needed to be stopped.

Original poster

oranges · 13/12/2010 12:26

Chippin - dh could have insisted ds moved away, but he did feel that he shouldnt be forced to move as he had done nothing wrong, and also, ds is such a softie in many ways that I have been teaching him to stand his ground.
he was doing what I'd told him to do in those circs - stay firm but offer up some toys to the child who is being horrid. It usually works like a charm - just not this time.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 13/12/2010 13:46

I agree that as he was the one playing nicely he shouldn't have needed to have been moved away, but I would have just removed him from the other child. I wouldn't have told him to move away though, I would have said 'Let's go and do xyz'.

I just think that when you are in someone elses home you should be as considerate to the 'hosts' as possible and if this means not upsetting another guest when it can be avoided then that's what you do...

OTOH

It is his Grandmas house and so pretty much like his own home & your DH's, so I would be just as likely to have told the child to stop being so naughty

What is completely wrong is your MIL & SIL saying he shouldn't have done anything and just let the little sod boy hit him!! Most MIL's or SIL's would have been in there giving the little snot boy what for

JamieLeeCurtis · 13/12/2010 13:54

It makes me feel very sad to hear people talking about "toughening up" children (usually boys). YANBU

RockinRobinBird · 13/12/2010 14:00

Why should your DS have been the one to move? I don't agree with that at all. He was being picked on, the other boy wouldn't stop, your DH was absolutely right to ask the other parent to intervene. Apart from anything else, your DS now knows that his dad will stick up for him. Moving him away wouldn't have addressed the other boy's behaviour.

monkeyflippers · 13/12/2010 14:01

Your SIL is a thicko, ignore her. Your husband could have handled it much better.

MadamDeathstare · 13/12/2010 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

giveitago · 13/12/2010 14:30

OOOh 0 you're not wrong but imo those who tell other parents to 'control' their kids are equally as wrong in their approach.

I hate 'control' - goodness. I have a very sensitive and quite prissy ds and I sometimes see he him standing there mouth open at the nasty behaviour of other kids. He's my kid (also 4) and I just take him out of situation but I'd never tell other parents to 'control' their kids. Their version of control will be differeent to mine.

I might tell them what I think (if that's valid) about a particular situation but I certainly don't tell tell them to control. Thety might not know what to control. And my ds is not perfect either. My ds is the most non physcically agressive boy ever, but he's very articulate and can be incredibly sarcastic and so he's not perfect and can easily hurt others. I watch out for his words as they can be very inappropriate and insensitive - and I that's control too.

saffy85 · 13/12/2010 14:56

YANBU but your inlaws were/are.

Yes their friend was embarrassed and felt he had to go home but your kids showing you up in public is part and parcel of being a parent isn't it? Or is it only my DD who embarrasses me?

Maybe next time this guy's son behaves that way his dad will deal with it straight away rather than waiting for someone else to point out his child's unreasonable behaviour and dealing with it in the most half arsed way possible.

Your DS sounds like he has a good idea of right and wrong- he didn't hit or shove back and he wouldn't move away from the toys- why should he? He wasn't the one being mean? He doesn't need to toughen up at all.

vess · 13/12/2010 15:00

'Control your son!' is a bit rude IMO, it sounds like: 'You're a crap father and your child is out of control!'

saffy85 · 13/12/2010 15:08

"Control your son!" may have been rude but this guy's son was out of control- his dad was right there and he was still getting away with picking on the other child. This other guy isn't a crap dad- a crap dad would have gone right on ignoring it even after OP's DH spoke up. He just needs to toughen up a bit. Excuse the irony....

RockinRobinBird · 13/12/2010 15:38

Agree with saffy. The other dad obviously needed a bit of a kick if he sat there and listened to someone else trying to sort out his child and he chose not to get involved. He should feel embarrassed. I would.

minouminou · 14/12/2010 23:55

Why not fast track the toughening up process by taking our 4-year-old sons out to the garden and beating the crap out of them?
What nonsense.
I wonder if the family line on this toughening up business has led to the OP's DH being unassertive and bad at negotiating.

Abr1de · 15/12/2010 08:49

Do you remember that story about the women who were making their baby sons fight one another? Seriously, the babies were in nappies and were encouraged to hit one another.

Ephiny · 15/12/2010 09:58

YANBU, 4 year olds are not supposed to be 'tough' .

I think maybe your DH was a bit rude in what he said, and I don't like hearing parents ordered to 'control' their children either, but he was right to say/do something, not just sit and watch your ds being hit and shoved.

classydiva · 15/12/2010 10:01

Your dh done the right thing, toughen him up, what let him get bullied, I don't think that is the right way to go at all.

The other child should have been told to behave.

SeaShellsFiringUpTheQuattro · 15/12/2010 10:08

(the wright show have used this thread too-debating now)

There has to be a balance between independent resolution ie let them get on with it, and stopping bullying and teaching them not to resort to violence. Personally I would not teach my child to "hit back harder", but Ds is 2yo so we have all this to come...

FranSanDisco · 15/12/2010 10:16

I really can't see what you dh has done wrong. The other father chose to ignore his child and was alerted to the fact he was being a thug. He took him home because he couldn't be arsed to keep an eye on him - too much like hard work when he'd rather chat. In the meantime your ds has to take it on the chin as it's for his own benefit. I'd have said the same.

Loie159 · 15/12/2010 10:17

YANBU at all - god I hate that - your SIL is talking nonsense - I bet she wouldnt say that if you DC was a DD ! Why do some people think that it is OK for bigger boys to be rough? My DS is high spirited and loves chasing, running, climbing and sort of bundling on the floor(cant think of how else to put it) which is fine when he does it with DH but we have taught him (and he is 3) that not all children like that and he mustnt do it to smaller children like DD and if the other child wants to play but then says stop - you STOP! I think DH was fab and your DS must always feel his dad will protect him. Other parent shouldnt have been so obtuse to realise that his DS was hurting another child! Out of interest does SIL have children / DS's? Sometimes its easier for people who dont have children to say "of thats fine" when if it is happening to your child it is upsetting.....

otchayaniye · 15/12/2010 10:48

It's a fine line between showing your child their feelings are important and that you care for them and protect them, and at the same time letting them find their own way of dealing with others and their foibles without you standing over them and refereeing.

It's hard to know how rough the boy was and how upset your son was -- people can get quite clouded by their kids upset when in reality it was a little hiccup.

I don't immediately steam in if other children push and snatch from my very self-contained, teeny 2 year old but if she gets very upset then I do.

I think DH basically forced the other father into a corner, so was going to act defensively and lash out. Not handled well, sorry. But also sorry this was a trial for you all.

I sadly avoid one mother because her son routinely shoves and hits my child in the eyes. For some reason, she doesn't immediately get upset, but the mother does get really upset and the stress of her telling her kid off all the time means it's just not relaxing. So I avoid.

FindingAManger · 15/12/2010 10:58

DO you think your DS was really bothered though? If he was he would he not have moved away from the other boy & taken a few toys with him.

Perhaps the adults were getting concerned/overreacting when one kid was being a bit bolshy & the other wasn't bothered by it??

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