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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

or is DH? <involves small children, SN and toilets>

57 replies

silverfrog · 11/12/2010 20:31

Sorry, this could turn out to be quite long - want to try to give the whole picture, so as not to have AIBU by stealth Smile

dh won some tickets on Thursday, to a concert being held last night. 4 tickets, so whole family could go (was a family concert)

I was not thrilled at the prospect, as:

dd1 has ASD. last minute changes of plan not always ideal. concert was at the Albert Hall, so big, loud, grand, etc. tickets were in a shared box, and I didn't want dd1 disrupting it for other people who had actually paid ot see the concert.

dd1 is 6, dd2 is 3, btw. concert started at 7pm - the time they normally go to bed. neither has ever been kept up late for anythign like it before. both have been to shows, but more of the DIsney on Ice variety, or panto, where it doesn't matter so much if you wriggle/talk etc.

but I agreed to give it a go - nothing ventured nothing gained.

all went reasonably well, but both girls were a little overawed by the occasion, and were very clingy. as usual, I got to sort them out (make sure they didn't fall over the balcony/drop stuff over. keep them sitting nicely. make sure dd1 didn't get her hands on the nibbles (food intolerances)etc. dh got to chat and socialise with everyone else, again as usual.

once we were there, it was apparent that dd2 (newly toilet trained) had a bit of a runny tummy. not serious, but when she needed to go, she needed ot go, and stools were a bit loose (sorry TMI)

My job, as usual was to keep dd1 calm (happy with htis role - it works best for us as a family), so dd2 went to the toilet with dh. 3 times in the first half (80 minutes)

then came the interval.

dd1 was a bit confused,a s there were more nibbles/food she couldn't have, and she tends to think the interval is the end, so gets confused as to why we aren't going home. dd2 needs the loo again, so I tld her to ask dh.

she came back, and said "daddy says he is talking" (as he was). I check with dd1 to see whether we could all go. not viable, so send d2 back to dh to ask again. she comes back again and says "no, mummy, daddy says he is still talking". 10 seconds later she poos in her pants - which obviously means I then have to drag dd1 along ot the loos too, clean up dd2 (quite distressed - she has never had an accident since toilet training). upset dd2 means upset dd1, who is also upset because she think we are supposed to be going home, etc etc.

so, i get back, hiss a "thanks a lot" to dh, who grumpily tells me that he was talking to the CEO of the charity (concert was in aid f charity) and so he couldn't just leave in the middle because dd2 needed something.

I htink he could have easily made his excuses - surely anyone understands a small child needing the toilet (CEO is female, if this helps for information purposes, and has children herself)

mitigating circumstances on dh's side:

his company were sponsoring the concert, and we were in the company box. (although dh was NOT there in any official company-representative way, but only because he had won the tickets in a raffle). dh is reasonably senior in his firm, and I can see that it might have been mildly embarrassing as a situation, but then he was the one who insisted we tried to go as a family.

I was not shirking the taking-to-toilet duties (as he now claims - when we spoke today about it, he said "but I'd already taken her 3 times!"), but was making sure dd1 was calm and happy.

he says that there is no way I could have expected him to stop talking to the charity boss, I say he was an arse who should pull his finger out.

so, AIBU?

OP posts:
BusyMisstletoeIzzy · 11/12/2010 20:34

Surely he could have explained that he needed to take his DD to the toilet, regardless of who he was talking to.

Sassybeast · 11/12/2010 20:35

No - YANBU. Absolutely not.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 11/12/2010 20:36

Im with you, but with 2 DDs with ASD, I know what you mean.

moomaa · 11/12/2010 20:38

YANBU at all. No debate in my eyes. I would have been well pissed off at him.

ChippingIn · 11/12/2010 20:38

LOL - this could be quite long....

An epic even for you!!

Just pouring a glass of wine, then will settle down to read it x

silverfrog · 11/12/2010 20:45

BUsyMIsstletoeIzzy: quite, surely what any sane person would do? I suspect what dh actuallY means is that by the time he got back, charity boss would have moved on, and he wanted to talk to her.

ChippingIn: Blush Grin well, just htoguht I should give full info

Actually, I think it is too much time spent dissecting dd1's behaviour for her consultants Grin - get as much backgorund info as possible, as there could be somethign relevant in there...

OP posts:
mumsgotatum · 11/12/2010 20:48

NO YA so NBU

ChippingIn · 11/12/2010 20:50

YANBU

I don't even know where to start with him, but YOU are NOT being unreasonable.

I wouldn't have agreed to take the girls unless he agreed to have complete and total responsibility for one of them ALL evening, not just when convenient. It is something that would be hard work with 2 NT kids without a tummy upset, especially if they aren't used to it!!

I don't care if he was talking to GOD, his very small daughter with an upset tummy needed the toilet - he should have made his apologies and taken her the instant she asked. Anyone who doesn't understand a 3 year olds need for the toilet now needs shooting - let alone her Dad who has just taken her to the loo 3 times and knows she has a dodgy tummy.

So he expected you to take her to the toilet, upset DD1 further, take her with you as well and deal with both of them, because he was chatting and you are shirking your duties.........Hmmmmmmmmmm

MRSilverFrog - you have seriously gone down in my estimation Hmm

unfitmother · 11/12/2010 20:50

YANBU

ChippingIn · 11/12/2010 20:53

I was just jangling your chain Grin

At least you understand the need for short paragraphs, sometimes I lose the will to live when people post one long diatribe and it requires a C&P to actually read it!

Your posts are very readable, so they don't seem long!

ravenAK · 11/12/2010 20:54

If I were CEO I wouldn't in the least mind a colleague excusing himself from a social chitchat to care for his child.

I'd think him a complete twat for leaving his dw to wrangle two dc whilst he mingled, though, & a complete twat in spades for ignoring his small dd's urgent need for the loo so that she soiled herself.

YANBU & he was & is being a total cock.

nappyaddict · 11/12/2010 20:54

YANBU

AT ALL.

If DD1 is your responsibility when out as a family then that means DD2 is his responsibility if it would make life difficult for DD1 to go along too. Would he have carried on talking to the woman if DD2 was about to throw herself off the balcony?

End of.

onepieceoflollipop · 11/12/2010 21:00

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I think I would have left either at the interval or even before. Your 3 year old had diarrhoea/loose stools 3 times in 80 minutes (plus another incident shortly after)

I would have worried about the journey home - unless it was a very short walk with public conveniences en route? But also I would have been concerned that she was spreading possible infection to others.

Having said that, I would have been unhappy with my dh if one of our dds was desperate and he neglected to respond.

(I have been in the position when our family are out and one of the children is sick/has upset tummy and I have gone home rather than risk spreading infection)

onepieceoflollipop · 11/12/2010 21:01

meant to add hope she is better now and you haven't been ill over the weekend.

RumourOfAHurricane · 11/12/2010 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fulltimeworkingmum · 11/12/2010 21:15

Get a baby sitter....???

silverfrog · 11/12/2010 21:16

does it make it worse that dd2 is his 4th child? so he really should get the urgency thign by now Grin

ChippingIn: well, to be fair to him (not that I want to be!) he usually does try to help out, but in unfamiliar situations dd1 prefers to cling to me (althoguh will now be handed over to him for reasonable periods of time). dd2 is now going through a sibling jealousy thing which means she also clings ot me. so he couldn't have total repsonibility for one of them all evening, as trying to sort that out would have created a scene.

BUT to me, this means all the more that he should do the bits he can, and dd2 was happy to go to the loo with him.

OPOL: I see what you're saing, but dd2 was not ill in any way (and is fine now, thanks). she has a few food intolerances, and my best bet is she had eaten something that idsagreed. stools were loose, but not ill-loose (you have to trust me on this, I have seen a LOT of icky poo, as dd1 has bowel issues). dd2 was able each and every time to ask for the toilet in good time - she only solied herself because she was ignored for 5 mins or so.

Shiney: no, no, no! don't try to be reasonable. I am clearly and utterly right on this one. (and would be least said soonest mended, if he hadn't got all uppity after my hissed "thanks a lot", and if he hadn't tried to imply that he couldn't possibly be expected to cut short a conversation with random charity CEO as obviously she is very important, and clearly sorting out your own daughter is not so important)

OP posts:
silverfrog · 11/12/2010 21:18

fulltimeworkingmum - why?

it was a children's charity concert. it was stressful (goign out with a child who has ASD is always stressful!), but both girls enjoyed it.

the issue is not about whether the girls should have gone (I had my reservations, but dh was right about it - dd1 coped well), but wheter or not dh should have sorted out dd2 when she wanted ot go to the loo.

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 11/12/2010 21:19

I understand re the "ill-loose" issue (having an "unstable" coeliac dh I understand. Wink - physically unstable not emotionally) :)

You were in a difficult position i.e. both children needed a parent to look after them for various reasons and your dh was unreasonable. We would have "juggled" our 3 year old and taken turns but we don't have an older child with special needs who needed support too.

huddspur · 11/12/2010 21:25

Should you not have got a babysitter and left DD2 at home if she had a runny tummy

onepieceoflollipop · 11/12/2010 21:25

op has been back to explain that dd2 was not ill as such. :)

myleftcrutch · 11/12/2010 21:25

YANBU.

Shouldn't have asked here though as some people will always think of a way for making it ALL YOUR FAULT!!

ascalu · 11/12/2010 21:28

If your dh had known in advance that a runny poo in pants was imminent he would I hope not have hesitated to take her to the loo immediately. He probably gambled that she could wait a few minutes more becuase he was having a particularly important conversation.

At the precise moment he asked her to wait he didn't have the benefit of hindsight.

It sounds like he is getting defensive now in the face of your annoyance with him.

I prescribe a cuddle, laugh and a sorry on both sides.

kikoloine · 11/12/2010 21:33

YANBU but we all mistakes, I'm sure he didn't intend for your dd to soil herself.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 11/12/2010 21:37

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh Shiney my Grandma used to say 'least said soonest mended' Or on a bad day 'bloody shaddup arguing the pair of ya or i'll be tanning ya backsides !

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