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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

or is DH? <involves small children, SN and toilets>

57 replies

silverfrog · 11/12/2010 20:31

Sorry, this could turn out to be quite long - want to try to give the whole picture, so as not to have AIBU by stealth Smile

dh won some tickets on Thursday, to a concert being held last night. 4 tickets, so whole family could go (was a family concert)

I was not thrilled at the prospect, as:

dd1 has ASD. last minute changes of plan not always ideal. concert was at the Albert Hall, so big, loud, grand, etc. tickets were in a shared box, and I didn't want dd1 disrupting it for other people who had actually paid ot see the concert.

dd1 is 6, dd2 is 3, btw. concert started at 7pm - the time they normally go to bed. neither has ever been kept up late for anythign like it before. both have been to shows, but more of the DIsney on Ice variety, or panto, where it doesn't matter so much if you wriggle/talk etc.

but I agreed to give it a go - nothing ventured nothing gained.

all went reasonably well, but both girls were a little overawed by the occasion, and were very clingy. as usual, I got to sort them out (make sure they didn't fall over the balcony/drop stuff over. keep them sitting nicely. make sure dd1 didn't get her hands on the nibbles (food intolerances)etc. dh got to chat and socialise with everyone else, again as usual.

once we were there, it was apparent that dd2 (newly toilet trained) had a bit of a runny tummy. not serious, but when she needed to go, she needed ot go, and stools were a bit loose (sorry TMI)

My job, as usual was to keep dd1 calm (happy with htis role - it works best for us as a family), so dd2 went to the toilet with dh. 3 times in the first half (80 minutes)

then came the interval.

dd1 was a bit confused,a s there were more nibbles/food she couldn't have, and she tends to think the interval is the end, so gets confused as to why we aren't going home. dd2 needs the loo again, so I tld her to ask dh.

she came back, and said "daddy says he is talking" (as he was). I check with dd1 to see whether we could all go. not viable, so send d2 back to dh to ask again. she comes back again and says "no, mummy, daddy says he is still talking". 10 seconds later she poos in her pants - which obviously means I then have to drag dd1 along ot the loos too, clean up dd2 (quite distressed - she has never had an accident since toilet training). upset dd2 means upset dd1, who is also upset because she think we are supposed to be going home, etc etc.

so, i get back, hiss a "thanks a lot" to dh, who grumpily tells me that he was talking to the CEO of the charity (concert was in aid f charity) and so he couldn't just leave in the middle because dd2 needed something.

I htink he could have easily made his excuses - surely anyone understands a small child needing the toilet (CEO is female, if this helps for information purposes, and has children herself)

mitigating circumstances on dh's side:

his company were sponsoring the concert, and we were in the company box. (although dh was NOT there in any official company-representative way, but only because he had won the tickets in a raffle). dh is reasonably senior in his firm, and I can see that it might have been mildly embarrassing as a situation, but then he was the one who insisted we tried to go as a family.

I was not shirking the taking-to-toilet duties (as he now claims - when we spoke today about it, he said "but I'd already taken her 3 times!"), but was making sure dd1 was calm and happy.

he says that there is no way I could have expected him to stop talking to the charity boss, I say he was an arse who should pull his finger out.

so, AIBU?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 11/12/2010 22:52

Ascula - he had taken DD2 to the loo 3x in the previous 80 minutes - he knew!

nextchapter · 11/12/2010 22:58

YANBU parenting is a two way thing and he failed to fufill his responsibilties and promises. Plus, it sounds like he had the better end of the deal of things considered. Give him hell!!

silverfrog · 12/12/2010 09:58

OPOL - ah, I see. the wonders of dealing with (although I'm guessing your dh sorts himself out Grin) manky poo!

MYleftcrutch: I wanted to put it here, as I genuinely want to know if there's an angle i'm missing on this. No-one has come up with anythign so far which makes me think IBU.

ascalu, ChippingIn is right. I did have amoment of wondering whether maybe dd2 had only been for a wee when going to the loo with dh, and so maybe he didn't know she had a runny tummy (although even then, dd2 has been toilet trained for 4 weeks - ignoring her really should never have been an option!) but when I said to him that I'd had a major clean-up job (which was fun, all 3 of us crammed into a toilet cubicle, trying not to get poo everywhere as I took off dd2's tights and pants...) he said "yes, her poo was manky when I took her earlier, what's she eaten to do that?)

dh also has had bowel disease, and has food intolerances himself - if anyone should know not to ignore an urgent call for the loo, he should!

OP posts:
colditz · 12/12/2010 10:03

One sentence - "You left your daughter to shit her pants because you were talking to someone."

Which is precisely what he did.

Can you imagine if it had been somoene you were paying - a nanny, a nursery worker - who had left your daughter to soil herself because they couldn't be bothered to end a conversation quickly?

It's the same for parents. If you're with your children, You're on duty.

ImeldaM · 12/12/2010 10:05

YANBU He definately was.

GiddyPickle · 12/12/2010 10:05

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 12/12/2010 10:08

YANBU, he was an arse.
No SN in this family but I can just see DH doing exactly the same sort of thing - work always comes first. Even when it doesn't need to. Drives me mad. And :(

Alouiseg · 12/12/2010 10:10

In your position, I would have given him the other child to look after and taken the child to the toilet myself.

silverfrog · 12/12/2010 10:11

but giddypickle, the girls were brilliantly behaved. the only time dd1 was upset and noisy was when everyone was screaming at the final act (was too noisy for her) and dh took her out straight away. she came back in 2 minutes later and was fine.

I did have my reservations about going, but in that respect, dh was utterly right. the girls enjoyed it (dd2 in particular was enthralled)

BUT the reason dd1 coped so well is that I was glued to her side supporting her. which was why I couldn't help dd2 when she asked me, and told her to ask dh.

OP posts:
silverfrog · 12/12/2010 10:15

x-posts. alouiseg, handing over dd1 was possible. she would have shouted a lot, and panicked that I was going somewhere without her. her anxieties are due to her ASD. taking her with me was an option, but a very difficult one as I explained earlier - she would hve thought it was time to leave, and been difficult on returnign to watch the rest of the concert (which is what happened after I had to take her to clean up dd2)

dh would have had to stop talking to the charity bod to deal with dd1 as well, so he would have not been happy to comply with that either.

OP posts:
silverfrog · 12/12/2010 10:19

colditz: he says he didn't lave her to shit her pants, he sent her back to me as he was busy (clearly being busy talking to someone you've never met before, and are unlikeyl to meet again is more important than being busy supporting a worried and anxious ASD child)

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 12/12/2010 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverfrog · 12/12/2010 10:27

oh no, I didn't think you meant that, giddypickle.

It's just - the whole full on childcare bit is just how my life is. If I didn't tackle it head on, then we wouldn't do anyhting

a trip to the shops/swimming/on a bus/for coffee and cake in a cafe - you name it, it is always full on childcare, not mingling, no time to catch breath, because of dd1's ASD.

that isn't going to change, and dh was right to push (gently) me into agreeing to go. once there, we have a reasonable routine worked out for dealign with stuff, and the more we do these things, the more we can chp away at things, and maybe next time dd1 will not need as much full on support, and I will be able to catch breath Smile

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 12/12/2010 10:32

Yes, exactly! She would have caused a scene which would have reminded your husband why he was on toilet duty!

silverfrog · 12/12/2010 10:37

it's not the scene I mind ,alousieg, it the distress caused to dd1.

she would have been really upset if I tried to go without her, she rpobably would have genuinely thought I was leaving her and goign home - separation anxiety does not even come close to describing it.

and this woudl have had a knock on effect, and meant she was glued to my side for the next month or so - really properly glued, in constant contact kind of stuff - oh hw I wish they made slings/backpacks big enough for large 6 year olds Grin

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 12/12/2010 10:44

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

battherat · 12/12/2010 10:50

I don't normally comment on AIBU but I think that YANBU. I do a lot of networking type things with my job, some of which involve family etc.

Quite honestly when everyone's there en famille and it's a child-centric environment the dynamic is different to when it's a cocktail do or formal dinner. You expect people to be interrupted/ wanting to/ needing to tend to their kids.

If I was chatting to someone and they palmed off their young DC, leaving their wife with her hands full, I would think they were a bit of a tosser- more interested in schmoozing than takiing their responsibilities seriously.

quietlysuggests · 12/12/2010 10:52

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piko · 12/12/2010 11:00

YANBU but it is easy to get distracted when you are talking to a bigwig. I'm sure he didn't intend for this to happen

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 12/12/2010 11:09

Quietlysuggests, the OP's DH was not in official capacity at a works' function, he had won family tickets there. He chose to take on a role that was unnecessary under the circumstances.

mumbar · 12/12/2010 11:16

YANBU. You sound very tuned in to both your DD's needs and not limiting their experiences because its difficult.

Your DH should have yaken DD2 to the toilet, but although I think YANBU this kind of thing happens all the time IME, (parents arguing over duties at work related functions I mean), and you learn from them.

Meita · 12/12/2010 11:17

I think YANBU.

However, I agree with "least said, soonest mended". I think your husband made a mistake he shouldn't have, but not as major as you are making out.

Here's my interpretation:
The first time DD2 approached him, he quickly evaluated the situation, and perhaps not aware of the precise circumstances, figured that exceptionally, he would send DD2 back to you - he wouldn't normally, but his current conversation was important, and he trusted you to be able to manage and find a solution, especially as you know that he wouldn't normally behave like this unless it was really quite important.
When DD2 came to him again, he might have been a bit annoyed. "Don't you know, DW," he might have thought, "that I wouldn't have sent her back unless I had a good reason? Aren't you just being pigheaded about our division of labour at these events - aren't we flexible enough to occasionally adapt to circumstances?"

So, he thought he was sending you a message to be flexible and please, exceptionally, help out and take over a duty that he normally would have. And he thought you didn't get the message or just flatly, stubbornly refused. Whereas he completely failed to get the message you sent him when you sent DD2 back again - which was not "I'm a bit jealous that you're enjoying yourself so I will insist on you doing everything by textbook so it disrupts your evening" but rather "Would love to help out, but sorry, just can't do right now."

Poor DD2 - I think it is her who really lost out. But I don't think it was evil intent or lack of respect on either part, but rather just major misunderstanding.

thebrownstuff · 12/12/2010 12:18

yanbu

complexnumber · 12/12/2010 12:54

Ooh, Battherat, I was going to say the exact same thing, even down to the word schmoozing.

silverfrog, maybe you could say to your DH that his behaviour really won't have impressed that CEO at all and if he had taken DD2 he would have looked like a family man at a family event, supporting a, I'm assuming, family charity. Instead he looked like a chancer trying to grab attention in an inappropriate way at the expense of his own child.

I find explaining how someone else could see behaviour works better than saying, this is how I see it with DP.

FrostyAndSlippery · 12/12/2010 13:03

YANBU. Any decent human wouldve understood "excuse me I just need to take DD to the loo"

Or at least DH could've suggested he kept DD1 on his lap while you took DD2, so he'd have kept on talking.