Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send this email

43 replies

ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 22:43

to the ex.

Who has just stated that benefits of contact with DC (19 months) 'will not outweigh the difficulties' of arranging visits etc It wouldn't be 'comfortable' apparently.

But he does require that I contact him for his input should an emergency occur. He will send cards but they shall be addressed 'the fuckers Blah family'

I can't get my head around this. I want to shout that they are fucked up and need to think of what is best for DS - I honestly feel he needs a father in his life. But it seems ex and wifey feel different.

This is the draft of my reply. I feel like I need to say something but I don't know what. What do you think?

Difficult but not impossible if babayson's feelings were in anyway important to you.

Please don't trouble yourself by sending cards to him. They are obviously token gestures to appease your own guilt and will serve no purpose for babyson since he won't even be aware of who they are from.

I see no reason to contact you in the future. You cannot choose to have no input in his life but expect a say in an emergency. That right will go to the people who love and cherish this amazing little boy and you will be the last thing on my mind should my son need me.

It's your loss, which you'll certainly come to realise one day.

:( I think I'm just going to have to let this notion of DS having a dad go aren't I? There is nothing I can do. I can't appeal to his better nature - I can only communicate through his wife. (trust issues) I'm just so sad for DS.

OP posts:
MrManager · 10/12/2010 22:48

Does he not want any contact at all? Surely if you arrange a system like 'every other weekend' then there is no difficulty?

Animation · 10/12/2010 22:50

I'd tell him to stop being a child and face his parental responsibilities.

itsnotmorningyet · 10/12/2010 22:58

I also had a wonderful notion of my DS having a relationship with his dad. Sadly it started out much like your situation. However I persevered for 10 years, doing everything in my power to enable the kind of father-son relationship I thought DS deserved.
My ex has messed DS around so much that I have now stopped contact. EXP has done nothing to try and make things work. I wish that I hadn't tried so hard for all those years because when it came to the crunch EXP wasn't up to the job.
I would say send the email. Your DS deserves better.

DeckTheHallWithBowlsOfPomBears · 10/12/2010 22:59

Stupid fucker.
Just reading between the lines really, but would it be "uncomfortable" because new wife doesn't trust him seeing you?

Original poster
ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 23:02

There is difficulty because there is a 4 hour drive between us.

I have offered to go up and stay with friends, he often comes to visit family an hour from here and I said we could both arrange to meet halfway a couple of times.

I take responsibility for the fact that I moved away whilst pregnant. He said that he wanted nothing to do with us. He told people the baby wasn't his, he demanded a DNA test. They sent a letter from a solicitor stating I was to stay away from them. I had no family or support so moved away thinking the distance would never be an issue due to no contact.

Now they are saying the only contact will be the cards they send as a family.

They got in touch to update me on their family (he is a wonderful hands-on father to the new baby....) and it seemed he wanted to sort something out but then they took a month to reply saying 'it wouldn't be comfortable for their family'

I'm just clueless as to how he can dismiss our son like this.

I have tried so hard to fix it but I'm thinking I'll never be able to do that.

OP posts:
itsnotmorningyet · 10/12/2010 23:02

I agree Deckthehall. Wish someone had said stupid fucker about my EXP all those years ago then I might not be dealing with the fall out now.

HalfTermHero · 10/12/2010 23:03

He is a total cunt but please don't send the email. Once sent it is there in writing forever that you asked him not to send cards etc and one day ds might hold that against you and blame you for scaring his useless sperm donor father away. The words could be twisted and used against you, iyswim.

itsnotmorningyet · 10/12/2010 23:06

ForFestiveSake you can't fix it I'm sad to say. You can't force someone to take any interest in their childs life. I tried. It has taken me a decade to realise it just doesn't work.
You know if your DC ever asks re his dad you will be able to look your DC in the eye and say you tried your hardest.
I don't understand some men, I really don't.

MrManager · 10/12/2010 23:08

Maybe call his bluff on the paternity test so he can't deny it to others or himself.

Original poster
ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 23:08

Half term - I hadn't thought of it that way.

I just wanted him to see that I know what the card thing is about about and I think it's pathetic.

He will say to people that he sends cards every year like some grand gesture.

He hides his income so the csa can only take £7 a week but does the poor me I got stung the csa routine. I want to stop the payments now.

I need to know I've done everything so I can promise DS I have tried. But I can't see what else I can do?

OP posts:
itsnotmorningyet · 10/12/2010 23:09

Fair point HTH.
My mantra has always been that my DS will always know I did the utmost to keep his dad in his life - but there came a point when it just wasn't healthy (for DS) anymore.
Its so sad and I really for you forfestivesake.

MsKalo · 10/12/2010 23:10

I hope he is paying maintenance?

Original poster
ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 23:11

itsnotmorningyet and Deckthehall I think this is a case of following the words of the wise - you've tried it and it can' be done. I know that deep down. I just have to admit it don't I?

MrManager - the DNA was a match (obviously) I agreed to it for that reason and to show I had nothing to hide and would jump the hoops if my son gained from them.

OP posts:
itsnotmorningyet · 10/12/2010 23:11

Xposts Forfestivesake
I also was desperate for DS to know I'd done everything. Sadly I did that for 10years and it caused more harm than good.

x

lalalonglegs · 10/12/2010 23:13

Reading between the lines of your second post, it suggests your son was conceived while you were having an affair with his father. I absolutely am not judging you on this but if this is the case it could well be that your ex's wife would only stay with him if he refused to have contact with his son. It's very, very sad that he is behaving like this and I do feel for you but the situation sounds very, very difficult for everyone.

I agree that if he doesn't want contact then he can't expect to be contacted in an emergency.

Original poster
ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 23:13

Mskalo £7 a week. My son eats more fruit then that! But it's all about saving face.

It is all my fault for moving but he isn't even prepared to try for his sons sake is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 23:17

lalalonlegs - I was told the marriage was over and he was separated. I am the biggest fool known to man and judge myself way more then anyone else ever could.

I am not allowed direct contact with him and have not spoken to him since I was 5 months pregnant when she found out about me.

I just feel so sad for ds - what could I possibly say to him to make him see he wasn't rejected here.

OP posts:
itsnotmorningyet · 10/12/2010 23:18

I do understand where you're coming from. I only stopped contact a couple of months ago. I still hope that I will get a phonecall from EXP saying he has "seen the light" and wants to be a proper dad but I know its not going to happen.
It is so hard especially when you are willing to be so accomodating.
The only advice I would give be honest with DC but in a kind way.
Obviously when it is more age appropriate for him, but I tell DS I'm sure his dad does love him he just can't behave in a way that dads should. Don't know if that is right or wrong but hate the idea that DS will grow up thinking his dad doesn't care even tho he doesn't see him IYSWIM

lalalonglegs · 10/12/2010 23:21

AS I said, I am not judging you - it was his marriage and he was the one that had made the promises to his wife. I'm just pointing out that he is probably under a lot of pressure not to acknowledge your son although I will never understand people who don't want their own children in their lives and especially those who don't want to contribute financially towards them.

Sadly, if you write to tell him to have no contact, I am sure he will be very pleased Sad.

Original poster
ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 23:21

if ds never sees his dad, do you think I should simply say something like 'you only have a mummy and a sister and a nanny etc etc' when he asks? showing him he has lots of loving family. At least until he understands the biology of it?

OP posts:
Original poster
ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 23:23

I know lala :( If I do write it then he'll be able to use it against me.

Should I just not reply at all?

They will email asking for my 'comments' though.

OP posts:
magicmummy1 · 10/12/2010 23:24

I wouldn't lie to him about his dad, OP. Just keep it factual if he asks, and say something like "your daddy doesn't live with us, he lives a long way away."

If you say that he only has a mummy, sister, and nanny etc, he may assume when he's older that you deliberately tried to keep his dad away.

magicmummy1 · 10/12/2010 23:26

I think you should write and ask him to think long and hard about his decision, because cards won't cut it and your DS needs a real dad in his life. Emphasise again that you'll do what you can to facilitate contact. And then it's up to him.

If nothing else, you'll be able to show your son in the future that you did your best and that you left the door open in case his dad had a change of heart.

Original poster
ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 23:31

I'm just so confused about the write thing to say!

But I guess I could use the distance. But then he'll know he has a daddy and be all the more curious won't he?

Angry stupid pathetic bastard - he has no balls and is more then happy to leave all of this hard stuff to me. Need to get used to that.

I do know he'll be better off without them. The idea of the tension etc around this all worried me. I hated the idea of handing ds over to play happy families but I want what is right for him.

So no email..... must stick to this no matter how much I want to tell them they are being selfish

OP posts:
itsnotmorningyet · 10/12/2010 23:33

I agree magicmummy1. As long as your son knows you did your best.
Your DS doesn't need a half daddy. He needs a proper daddy.