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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send this email

43 replies

ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 22:43

to the ex.

Who has just stated that benefits of contact with DC (19 months) 'will not outweigh the difficulties' of arranging visits etc It wouldn't be 'comfortable' apparently.

But he does require that I contact him for his input should an emergency occur. He will send cards but they shall be addressed 'the fuckers Blah family'

I can't get my head around this. I want to shout that they are fucked up and need to think of what is best for DS - I honestly feel he needs a father in his life. But it seems ex and wifey feel different.

This is the draft of my reply. I feel like I need to say something but I don't know what. What do you think?

Difficult but not impossible if babayson's feelings were in anyway important to you.

Please don't trouble yourself by sending cards to him. They are obviously token gestures to appease your own guilt and will serve no purpose for babyson since he won't even be aware of who they are from.

I see no reason to contact you in the future. You cannot choose to have no input in his life but expect a say in an emergency. That right will go to the people who love and cherish this amazing little boy and you will be the last thing on my mind should my son need me.

It's your loss, which you'll certainly come to realise one day.

:( I think I'm just going to have to let this notion of DS having a dad go aren't I? There is nothing I can do. I can't appeal to his better nature - I can only communicate through his wife. (trust issues) I'm just so sad for DS.

OP posts:

Original poster

ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 23:36

My last email was exactly that magic. It took a month to ply with no thank-you. We like our life just like it is.

I think I will just leave it. I don't want to burn any bridges and be blamed later on.

I just think the cards are to ease his own conscience and I am not going to help him do that. And the contact in emergency thing seems to say that he cares and wants to know he's ok but everything else says he doesn't.

OP posts:

magicmummy1 · 10/12/2010 23:40

If they press you for your "comments", just write back and say that you made your position perfectly clear in your previous e-mail, and it hasn't changed since then. And that you are happy for him to sends cards if he chooses, but in your view, this does not compensate for the lack of a real relationship with his son.

itsnotmorningyet · 10/12/2010 23:53

Listen to magicmummy1 she makes a lot of sense!
I might need you MM1 in the next week, with DS birthday and Christmas I have no idea how to repond if EXP and his parents contact me out of the blue!

Original poster

ForFestiveSake · 10/12/2010 23:58

Noted Magicmummy.

Thanks!

And to everyone else - it's helped to get another perspective and get it out a bit.

OP posts:

magicmummy1 · 10/12/2010 23:58

Happy to be of service if I can, itsnotmorningyet, but I don't actually have any experience of dealing with ex partners, so not sure how useful my input would be! I just say what I think! :)

lovingthesun · 11/12/2010 00:09

just wanted to add that please don't be sad - why on earth would you want your son to have anything to do with the idiots (ok he fathered him, but AFAICS, that's it)

As you say, EXP's loss.

Better to have no dad, than a crap one with all the bullshit that goes with it. In my experience.

wornoutbutstillwonderful · 11/12/2010 00:14

How do you know that it is ex that is responding to your emails and not his wife/ shouldn't an issue as important as this be spoke about either on a phone or through solicitors or ideally face to face with a mediator?

lovingthesun · 11/12/2010 00:16

ok, so just read it all & know the whole story.

My thoughts are still the same.

Maybe the best solution is new (& decent) man for you ?

Hope it all works out...

zipzap · 11/12/2010 01:02

If you do send a reply, do make sure you think it through in terms of how they might use it against you as has been mentioned about your proposed email in the OP.

If you want to send a reply, then I would also try to phrase it so that you come out of it well.

So - re the emergency contact - say that in the event of an emergency then you will attempt to contact the father at some point but that obviously your first duty will be in dealing with the emergency as required. This sounds great and like you but actually means that you don't need to contact him until it is all over

Likewise, benefits outweighing difficulties of seeing your ds - say something about being very sad that that is his view; you believe that for your son the benefits would (and should) outweigh the difficulties and that you are upset that, as a father, he is not man enough able to put his son first and do what is best for him.

I would also say that you find it difficult to understand how he can say he is being such a good father to his new child but at the same time is prepared to only have minimal input with his other child, and that in discriminating so much between the two children he is being unfair to both of them (the children that is). You feel that it will be difficult for your son to build up a relationship with his dad based on cards alone, and that you hope in the future your ex will change his mind and accept his parental responsibilities, put his son's welfare

Hopefully this will paint you in a good light with you and your son being the wronged parties, willing to make the effort to keep the relationship going and leaving the door open for it to get better in years to come. Difficult to say I am sure but from what you have said it doesn't sound like he will take you up on the offer .

what might be even more difficult and horrible is to refer to you your ex's wife as your son's stepmother - if she is the one that is stopping your ex from having meaningful contact with your son then she needs to take some responsibility for screwing up the father-son relationship. She might be able to do that by impersonalising the situation and keeping your son away from her and not even thinking about him other than having to get an odd card here and there. but by making her partly responsible it might help - IYSWIM?

Finally, I would make sure you keep a box of everything you have regarding contact with your ex p (and his other family) - print offs of emails/letters you send, any replies, cards, dealings with CSA and your notes as to how much you think you should get (ie lengths he will go to in order to ignore your ds)etc. I have no idea how this will stand you should you end up having more formal dealings regarding access etc but from a practical ppoint of view it means that you have everything to hand. But in the future when your son is old enough to understand, there will be letters for him to look through that show that his mum did everything she could to try to get a dad for him (albeit he was never going to live with you full time given the situation it seems) and that it was his dad's wife that was the one that didn't keep in touch. Just in case they try to re-write history in years to come and say that you forbade them from contacting him or something!

zipzap · 11/12/2010 01:02

sorry, didn't realise that was going to be quite so long

BrandyButterPie · 11/12/2010 01:15

Re explaining it - I have a friend who says that her son has a father (ie somebody who put the seed in mummys tummys or however you explain it) but not a daddy. I like that.

Some children have the same person as father and daddy, every child has a father, and some have a different daddy.

:( You seem to be being very strong for your son though, which is good. It could turn out to be the best for him in the end.

JJ17 · 11/12/2010 01:37

Just walk away - I really wish I had with DS1's father.

He is 20 now and so messed up with all the shenanigans.

I also have DS2 aged 11. It has worked out to some extent with his Dad. He sees him once a month.

We are happy to be a single parent household.

All my friends are really strong single parents and we think are kids are better off for having no confusion in their lives.

All you need to provide your DC with is a name. He can make a choice when he is older.

If I had known then what I know now I would have just kept DS1 to myself.

Don't push a kid on a man who doesn't love him.

JJ17 · 11/12/2010 01:43

OP - you don't really want your kid to be around this guy.

You adore your child, he is balking at the very thought of him.

I would say, money please and stick your cards up your arse.

Penelope1980 · 11/12/2010 04:58

Don't send the email - you have the moral high ground at the moment, you can't risk losing it. It sounds cheesy but sometimes writing everything you really want to say in a physical letter and burning it can help. What a terrible situation to be in though.

Animation · 11/12/2010 06:05

I wouldn't send the email. If you really need to communicate, talk to him face to face, (with his wife). Emailing is a frustrating business with serious stuff like this - what's best for your child.

onmyfeet · 11/12/2010 06:23

I'd listen to Magicmummy.

As far as what to say to your son about his father, when he gets older, just keep it simple, he probably won't ask many questions.

TiraMissYou · 11/12/2010 07:51

i third listening to magic mummy. I don't have any practical experience of this, but from your posts one thought that jumped out at me was if your DS builds a relationship with his father in years to come, your ExP might paint himself in the 'what could I do, I was kept from you by two bickering women' type thing. I agree with no emotional overlays to your communication, as really hard as that is, so in anything your DS reads in later life shows that the decision not to keep close contact was the fathers only. Hope you work out ok.

Original poster

ForFestiveSake · 11/12/2010 09:37

Thank everyone for the replies.

Zipzap Thanks or taking the time to write so much - no need to blush!

After thinking about it all night, I am not going to reply yet - if at all. It's obvious that he either doesn't care for his son or cares more for the easy life and is following what his wife says. Either way - he doesn't deserve to be in my DS's life. I don't want the drama that it would involve. I thought I could do it for DS's sake but we'll all be better off without this spineless excuse for a father involved.

wornout I don't know. I do know that the emails are written by her, from her account and forwarded to him to check them, then sent to me. I never see any evidence of his writing style in them. I simply have to trust that he has some involvement.

Well, I was the one who had great snuggles with my son this morning :o

He can keep his perfect family but I refuse to believe it's going to be so easy to forget about the son he always wanted. I hope he does think of him often and realises one day that he has give up too much for an easy life.

I can honestly tell my son I have tried. I realise that now. And I am really starting to believe he'd have no benefit from knowing them.

Thanks again everyone :0

OP posts:

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