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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just walked out of a SureStart Xmas party because no one said a word to me!

38 replies

MumsMunchkin · 10/12/2010 11:21

AIBU to think that people are ignorant and rude?

An acquaintance mentioned this party to me and said they would be there so I went with DS (4 months) hoping for a chat and a laugh with anybody really. Got there and recognised no one but sat down for an hour and tried to make eye contact with people while smiling inanely so I looked approachable. Apart from a few women who looked me up and down and sneered, no one talked to me at all.

I find it hard to approach people as I'm shy and do not have much confidence. I'd like to think that if I did, I would talk to someone sitting alone and try to make them feel welcome. AIBU?

OP posts:

HouseOfBambooootiful · 10/12/2010 12:20

Some very good advice here. Agree with everything Longstocking has said.

I used to have to make myself go. It's easier if you don't set your goals too high as well - just aim to talk to one new person each time. Before you know it you'll be recognising people and saying hi to a few people, then maybe even looking forward to going!

I used to find the grandmas were pretty approachable and happy to chat. But just look out for anyone who is on their own too, they will usually be grateful to be approached.

JimmyChooChoo · 10/12/2010 12:34

I know exactly what you mean OP.When ds1 was born I went to every baby group going.I didn't know anyone as I was very new to the area and sometimes I'd find these groups cliquey.I carried on going for the sake of my son but since ds2 has been born I don't go to them anymore.I meet with a few people I know and their dc.
Sorry to hear you had a crap experience.

libelulle · 10/12/2010 12:44

I disagree with this idea that if people don't approach you they are ill-mannered and cliquey. I'm not a naturally outgoing person and it was a difficult thing to go up to new people and strike up conversation when I had my DD nearly 3 years ago. But I did it, and now have a close group of local friends, as well as many more who I know to have a nice chat to. My group of friends are in no way 'exclusive' - 'new' people come to coffee with us all the time - but on the other hand with a toddler and a small baby, when I'm completely at the end of my strength, sometimes it is just human nature to want to catch up with the people I already know at toddler group, rather than make the effort with someone new (bearing in mind I'm still quite shy!). Which is not to say that I won't be friendly if someone approaches me - I will!

There can be 40 or more families at the average surestart group; if you don't make the effort to talk to people yourself it realy isn't reasonable to expect them to approach you first, especially at something as manic as the xmas party.

QuickLookBusySanta · 10/12/2010 12:44

I think they sound really rude.

I have been in situations like that with small children, and unfortunately I think the only thing to do is for you to speak to people. I found it very hard to start with and was sometimes given one word answers then ignored again. I left crying once, but my DH made me go back the next week. He said "Its not their toddler group"

I then made a real effort, and did make friends.
I'm now the first to strike up a conversation in new situations, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

libelulle · 10/12/2010 12:57

by the way, are you sure people looked you up and down and sneered? In all my long experience of shyness I've never known anyone do that to me! What on earth would they have been sneering at?! They don't even know you. Most likely they had their own concerns or shyness. Not to say it doesn't happen, but malice should always be your last assumption in that kind of situation.

libelulle · 10/12/2010 13:01

QuickLookBusy 'I then made a real effort, and did make friends.'

I think this is key! It does take a real effort to make friends, for everyone. They won't just fall into your lap. If you assume everyone is rude and cliquey from the word go, it's hardly surprising you won't get anywhere. I've lost count of the number of people who I thought seemed a bit standoffish at first but are actually the epitome of loveliness when I've got to know them!

Ephiny · 10/12/2010 13:08

I wondered about the 'sneering' thing, when you're feeling shy and lacking confidence in a situation, it's easy to interpret every look in the worst possible light and imagine everyone hates and despises you. Sometimes people are shy themselves, or not sure if you want to chat - I think sometimes in these situations I get so uptight that I give off a really defensive and unfriendly vibe, so don't seem very approachable!

Having said that, sometimes people really are nasty and judge on appearances so I'm not saying it didn't happen...

EauRudolph · 10/12/2010 13:10

I think a lot of it is down to perception. The first time I went to a toddler group I went along with a friend who had DCs the same age as mine. As we left we both started speaking at once- me to say how welcoming everyone was and her to say that everyone was cliquey and rude

Can you ask the CC staff which groups and classes are the quietest? It might help you to meet more local mums if there is a smaller group, Christmas parties can be pretty chaotic. I always try to talk to new mums but it can be difficult when I'm simultaneously trying to prevent DD from whatever carnage she is creating.

It is tough trying to make new friends but there is bound to be at least one other mum who is in the same boat so don't give up!

ChunkyBrewster · 10/12/2010 13:14

I really feel for you OP. It's hard when you are knackered, have a new baby and are feeling really alone. I'm in a completely different country to most of my family and friends and found the first couple of months with my DD really lonesome. Baby groups make you feel like you a right back at school, with no friends to sit with at lunchtime!

I think Longstocking has brilliant advice - praise for someone elses child is always a good ice breaker! And I've not met a child yet that doesn't have some praiseworthy attribute!

Also bear in mind the old saying "they might be more scared of you, then you are of them". When I first met one of my dearest Mum friends (who I know see on a daily basis), I thought she kind of sneered and didn't seem to like me much. She is actually just painfully, terribly shy and the most non judgemental, kind person you could ever hope to meet.

I'm sorry the party was such a bummer; would have been really nice if someone had made the effort for you!

JimmyChooChoo · 10/12/2010 13:40

Libelulle-but the OP was smiling and making eye contact.They could have smiled back.It seems like she was new to this kind of thing and it would have been nice if at least one person went out of their way for her.
I know what it's like to be the 'new girl'(and I'm sure everyone does reading this too)so when I see someone on their own I always try to include them.It's such a shame when others don't do this.

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 10/12/2010 13:49

It helps me to remember most people are shy to talk to new people, so just go for it.

I can get shy and at baby groups people do go to those they know as it moves so much.

I would go in and think, right got to talk to someone and literally go up and ask them about their kids, and if they are friendly keep talking, if not move on to the next person.4

Dont take it personally, people are unable to see sometimes at these things that someone is alone.

sethstarkaddersmum · 10/12/2010 13:58

I think whoever was running the party was doing a bad job, because if you are organising an event part of your job is to make sure people have someone to talk to, welcome newcomers, introduce people etc. If you are busy backstage with making drinks or whatever then the job has to be deputed to someone else.

That said, striking up conversation is a useful skill. My things to rememeber are:

if they look unfriendly they are probably just shy (obv sometimes they are unfriendly, but you have to give people the benefit of the doubt.
it is better to say something completely idiotic than to say nothing at all.

agree re compliments - you can't go wrong praising someone's children!

libelulle · 10/12/2010 13:58

JimmyChooChoo- That's true, and it's possible people were being genuinely unfriendly - but sometimes when you're out of your head with sleep deprivation and trying to supervise your toddler while wondering when your baby is going to kick off, someone smiling inanely and looking at you is just not going to be enough to register. In my state right now, I probably wouldn't even notice someone doing that - I'm not nasty, just harassed. I think the OP has to be less subtle!

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