Just walked out of a SureStart Xmas party because no one said a word to me!

[MumsMunchkin]

AIBU to think that people are ignorant and rude?

An acquaintance mentioned this party to me and said they would be there so I went with DS (4 months) hoping for a chat and a laugh with anybody really. Got there and recognised no one but sat down for an hour and tried to make eye contact with people while smiling inanely so I looked approachable. Apart from a few women who looked me up and down and sneered, no one talked to me at all.

I find it hard to approach people as I'm shy and do not have much confidence. I'd like to think that if I did, I would talk to someone sitting alone and try to make them feel welcome. AIBU?

That's terrible, weren't there any staff there?
There job is to be welcoming.

But you didn't talk to anyone either?

Sorry but YABabitU.

I was at a Barnardo's Xmas party on Tues, knew no one (we're allvolunteers) but simply plonked myself into a spare seat and struck up conversation with the lady next to me.

After a while, noticed a woman sitting by herself and sat and chatted to her, too. Both very nice people who happened not to know anyone.

Someone has to make the first move, why not you?

Tbh this happens to me all the time ( i must look really unfriendly!) but you just have to relax and actually when you start relaxing people do normally start talking to you. I think your being a bit unreasonable to walk out because people didn't talk to you also didn't talk to them ( if you see what i mean)

You should have tried to strike up a convo, but they should have too.

I am cripplingly shy, but at these sort of things I have to swallow it and actually talk to people. :)

I feel for you. I moved to where I am now 10 years ago with dh and my 2.5 yr old. I used to force myself to go to toddler groups and sit there for a couple of hours on my own and no-one would talk to you. I remember the first one I turned up to, the organiser told me that she would see how many of the regulars turned up first as if there were too many then we wouldn't be able to stay. FFS dd had seen all the toys and wanted to play.

It is hard but I think you have to make the first move otherwise you will be ignored.

I don't think YABU - I think there were people there who should have seen that you weren't feeling particularly comfortable sat on your own, and should have come over to you. I would've, if I had been there!

People are too wrapped up in their own lives to bother tbh. And if they have already done the hard work and found themselves Mummy friends, they are going to concentrate their efforts on those to maintain them. They are probably not all as confident as you think they are.

I know you said you find it really hard to talk to people, but unfortunately you can't expect people to do the hard work for you. If you want to find friends you have to swallow the nerves and make the first move. Easier said than done, I know!

The surestart workers are the ones who should have med the effort to talk to you, and to try and get you involved somehow. That's what they are there for, the other Mums are there for their own benefit, not yours. I don't mean to sound harsh btw, but it's the truth. Them not talking to you says alot more about them than it does about you.

I remember the horror of these things when mine were little, I do feel for you.

It is hard to make contact when you've got small DCs - I lost my confidence when I had my first (PND). I used to go to a lovely church-run playgroup when some of the congregation would come and chat to anyone who was sitting on their own. OTOH, I did go to some groups that were a bit cliquey (or seemed that way to me)

It's a shame no-one seemed to make more effort, BUT don't make the mistake of thinking other people there weren't feeling like you, but covering it up. So therefore maybe you'll have to just get up the courage to approach someone yourself.

YABU. Perhaps everyone else there was shy with people they don't know as well.

I understand why you left if you couldn't start a conversation, but it's not necessarily everyone else's fault.

I think you are NBU, the staff should have spoken to you , its their job. BUT its not the other parents job

I empathise, it can be hard. I think the problem is some women spend maybe a couple of years going regularly to a few groups and building up a few friendships and may only see those people for an hour every other week or so, so that hard won contact is really precious for some women and they just need it so much that it's hard to be generous with their time!
I know I've been like that on occasion, I've been so keen to catch up with a mate that we just talk talk talk until time to sing and I don't even SEE the new visitor. But I do try often to say hello and introduce myself. But it can take many many visits to the same place to establish warmth with other mothers. I'm not defending it, but it these friendships are, strangely hard won, they can take a lot of work and a lot of sticking your neck out and persisting with it. Because many full time parents are lonely and need this contact.
My advice would be to persist with one or two groups and help loads in the setting up and clearing up. Once the committee or organisers see you help they are immediately warmer, I made most of my post baby mates by helping loads at toddler groups and joining the committee etc.

Like many things it's hard hard work and I feel for you but it's worth persisting, even an apparently unfriendly group can warm up if you commit to it!

Altinkum , don't you think the OP was trying to address her shyness by attending the party in the first place? I think it was very brave of you OP and I hope your crappy experience didn't knock your confidence.

I am brave or shy depending on what time of the month it is/ if I'm having a chubby day/ various other things in my life that happen to be affecting me at that moment in time. I try never to leave someone feeling like a spare part if I was going to that kind of thing (although it has occasionally meant that I have been stuck talking to a loon all day!)and I would hope that if I was doing my best wallflower impression someone would take pity on me and at least say hello.

YANBU.

Brill advice longstocking

I don't think YABU; some places are very very cliquey and it is horrible.

I well remember a new mum in the playground once who was very quiet and plain, much older than the average mummy there, and spoke with a strong Manchester accent.

I always speak to new people and approached her to be friendly and she was a lovely person. She told me afterwards that I was the only person who spoke to her for 2 terms, that includes the very active and eloquent PTA members.

I think they should be ashamed of themselves, and they got their comeuppance as my mother would say, when she rapidly became the new head of infants.

Really good post Longstocking

My friend and I took over the organisation of a parent-and-toddler group when ours were about 1. After my experience with other groups we made sure we were always welcoming to new parents. We always appreciated those who helped out with setting up and clearing up, and made some good friends there.

Actually I have to say, there is on occasion, playground like insecurity if your favourite mum mate has another mate at a group!
It is like going back to school and walking into the playground and having NO FRIENDS and feeling like you stick out like a sore thumb! It's enough to make anyone flee and never go back! But don't give up, with chillier groups I'd just get my head down with dd or ds and play very happily with them and then make odd comment to parent of another child, praise works wonders (I'm ashamed to say) no one can resist someone who says "God, your child's hair is amazing, it's so beautiful!"
"You're little boy walks really well for his age, how old is he?"
"That dress is gorgeous blue is her colour!"
"Sorry my daughter is struggling with sharing.... yours is very good, does she have a brother or sister?"
I mean I'm exaggerating, but most of us find friend via the children and praise is so easy as there's always something to praise which is true and people adore their children to be praised and noticed. T
After that I help like a crazed organiser with the juice, the biscuits the broom the mats the musical instruments. And before you know it you're part of the furniture but it does take time. Good luck! I always say never judge a group by one visit because your best mate might go to one in three and y ou'll never meet her if you go only once!

You could have tried to start a conversation with someone, but I know how difficult this can be, I'm quite shy as well and struggle with this sort of thing!

But if they all knew each other, and could clearly see you were sitting there on your own, they should really have tried to include you. No it's not officially their 'responsibility' or their 'job' to talk to you (since when was that why you talk to people socially? ), but it's nice if you're part of the in-crowd and you see someone looking lonely, to at least say hello and ask if they want to join you. It should be easier for them to do that than for the new person to come up to a group of strangers who all know each other and interrupt their conversation. I would feel ashamed of myself if I just ignored someone like that, I guess because I know how it feels to be the ignored person!

I run a group and people always say "oh do you all know each other?" and the answer is almost always no because it's a monthly drop-in and the handful of regulars don't always make it and people swap contact details and start seeing each other inbetween the meets so they form friendships and don't need the group anymore. But it feels like everyone knows each other because they all chat.

My point is that everyone when they arrive says hello and asks name of babies etc and I've never seen anyone left out. It is a two way process and just turning up isn't enough.

If in doubt ask about the baby: how old? name? which hospital born at? only child? Etc etc

It can't be any worse then sitting there feeling miserable.

That is sad. At my local sure start centres there are usually loads of staff there who make the effort to chat to people and make them feel welcome- thats their job and it sounds like they weren't doing it.

YAB a bit U though- its not always up to other people to start conversations. I'm really shy too and struggle in these situations but I usually manage a short boring conversation about the DC! Though it sounds like the people there weren't very approachable.

Don't let it put you off though- there will be other groups where people are more friendly.

I do understand how you felt, I'm shy too and I found it very, very difficult when DS was your DS's age.

It is a shame the staff didn't make an effort to include you, that's their job. Perhaps they got too caught up in the party activities to notice you were on your own. And I agree, the other mums should be ashamed of themselves, I never leave someone sitting on their own with no one to talk to because I know what it's like.

Try again though, perhaps a local baby/toddler group would be more your style, as PPs have said, new members who offer to help with setting up/clearing away are always appreciated and you're sure to make some friends.

You've got to force yourself to talk to people though, I made myself talk to at least one person each time I went to these groups, and people then started to respond to me. Choose someone with a friendly face, put on a big smile and just go for it. Pay their DC a compliment, that always goes down well.

Good luck.

I feel for you, those places are cliquey YANBU. I was a teenager when I had DD1 and used to sit at a toddler group where many much older mothers sneered at me or ignored me!! I was grateful to the few that actually spoke to me. As I got more confident I made more friends at other groups, some groups are better than others.

Now I am in my 30s and go to groups again with DS3 but i don't care if people sneer. If i meet people to chat with then great (luckily I have met 2 or 3 with simelar age kids to chat to), if i don't and look like a loner then I really don't care. I am too busy trying to stop my 2 year old trashing everything while the others sit quietly!! If you try look not that bothered/insecure that helps along with smiling at people and asking about their DC. But it will probably take a good few weeks to get really freindly with someone as alot of people go with friends or are groups of childminders together. Good luck.

YANBU, I do think that is not nice for you to be sat there for an hour and totally ignored, the staff should have noticed you were new and atleast talked and welcomed you, and maybe introduced you to someone else there with a baby similar age or something like that.
Maybe try a different children's centre if you have a choice in your area? or just try to go back and talk to people start the conversation and see if they do talk to you. but some centres are more friendlier than others generally, although even the less friendlier ones if you keep going people will start recognising you and become more friendly.
Was the party really busy? because just thinking of an excuse for the staff maybe they were soo busy they didn't notice you whereas normally they would have made you welcome, and for the mums if they are in a party thats packed out then you tend to just talk to the people you know as its so busy? (just thinking of an eid party we had lately it was soooo busy, wouldn't have noticed someone on their own feeling left out cos it was simply that packed, but in a normal stay and play would have noticed)
Give it another couple of trys before you totally write it off, when you find a good group it can be really nice and very helpful for you especially as your dc gets slightly older. Also it might help you with your shyness, i used to consider myself quite shy/quiet when I had my first dc but now not really. Just strike up conversation with someone, what's the worst that can happen?

The rotten rude lot, arnt people selfish.? . .well, i would have talked to you if i had seen no one bothering to say hello. . .people are so ignorant and ill mannered......