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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have given the steak to the cat?

48 replies

Anniegetyourgun · 09/12/2010 10:21

Got home from work last night to find DS4 playing with a new game set which XH had bought for him and dropped round (by agreement, so far so good). He was also not managing to finish off a fairly tough piece of steak. Rather than cook something for myself as it was quite late, I very kindly (ahem) offered to finish his dinner for him. Part-way through the steak, DS2, who'd cooked it, let drop that it was XH who had brought the steak as well. I was absolutely furious, spat out the mouthful I was eating, washed my mouth out thoroughly, and dumped the remainder on the kitchen floor where No 1 Cat would soon gratefully discover it.

I will not be beholden to that man, nor will I allow him to encroach on my household arrangements. I have told the DSs that if he wants to feed them in future he can invite them to his place or take them out for a meal. I don't stop them seeing him as long as he doesn't cross my threshold. He is NOT to bring food, or anything else I haven't specifically authorised, onto my premises.

Very irrational I know. But as I explained to the boys, if I start being reasonable XH will joyously leap over the boundaries and start literally dumping stuff on the doorstep, as well as popping round and ringing far too often (although "ever" is far too often in my book). He does have form for this. They are allowed to put it to him in any way they like, including that I am off my rocker, so long as he knows he's not to do it.

So, AIBU to be U... or are there times when U is the only R way to be? Or, er, something like that.

OP posts:
booyhohoho · 09/12/2010 10:24

i think TBH it was a teensy bit U to spit the steak out and drop it on the floor. did your dsc see you doing that?

i totally get your point but far better to just tell him you don't want anything from him and he can feed them at his own house.

(was the steak nice?)

kreecherlivesupstairs · 09/12/2010 10:26

I am puzzled. Where did you think the steak had come from? Why is it such a bad (although odd IMO) thing that your XH brings food to your house? Do you suspect he will poison you?
I think you over reacted by washing your mouth out TBH.
So, I am not sure if YA or if YANBU. Sorry.

DooinMeCleanin · 09/12/2010 10:28

YABVU to bad mouth your XH to your boys and you aer being very childish about the steak. XH has a duty of care to his boys and should be providing them with food/clothing etc and/or maintenance. And it's not like he was there to see. You just wanted to make a fuss in front of your sons.

YANBu to give the cat steak though.

mayorquimby · 09/12/2010 10:34

yabu in your over the top reaction in front of your kids. What about if they come home wearing clothes which he has bought them without your "prior authorisation"? will they be forced to change at the door

classydiva · 09/12/2010 10:36

Sometimes I thnk people make a rod for their own back, so he bought steak, so what.

Really if that is the only problem you feel you have in your life think yourself lucky.

MrManager · 09/12/2010 10:38

Jesus Christ, what a disgusting man, feeding his kids like that.

YABVVU.

booyhohoho · 09/12/2010 10:39

OP when i first spilt from EXp (the first time-) i used to feel like you WRT his family buying clothes for ds. i actually used to send them back. i was adamant i was never going to accept anything from them. i didn't need anything from them and i wasn't going to be in a position where i had to be grateful to them or owe them anything, but as time has gone on i have seen sense. they are just clothes and toys, my kids do wear clothes and they like getting new things especially from grandparents. and when you include the clothes my mum buys them, i hardly ever have to buy them anything. i just accept the gifts and say thank you. it's the adult way to deal with it.

ok, if you didn't want to eat the steak, that was fine, but by doing what you did you will have no doubt made your dcs feel guilty for enjoying it. that is wrong. they should be able to accept things from tehir dad without having to feel guilty about whether you approve or not.

RunawayChristmasTree · 09/12/2010 10:42

Oh FFS grow up

pottonista · 09/12/2010 10:43

How do you think your DCs feel? Should they feel guilty every time they accept something from their dad, knowing it'll make their mum furiously angry?

YABVVVU.

MyMamaToldMe · 09/12/2010 10:59

I do feel you were being a bit U - it's not fair on your sons.

Original poster
Anniegetyourgun · 09/12/2010 11:08

I spat the mouthful in the bin, the cat got the (fairly substantial) bit that hadn't been touched. It wasn't very nice but that could just be that it was cold and possibly not the sort of cut that should have been grilled. Yes, I did overreact by cleaning my mouth out, that's just how I felt though! DooinMeCleanin, I'm not given to hysterical gestures but XH brings out my inner loony. To be fair I would have spat it out if the boys hadn't been there, except of course they wouldn't have been there to tell me it was from him...

I thought DS2 had bought it on the way home from work.

XH pays no maintenance and doesn't buy them anything practical. He lost 50% care of DS4 because the school were concerned and got SS involved. Like I said in the OP, if I accept anything from him the next thing is he is on the doorstep handing over stuff, and when I say stuff I don't mean good food and new games, I mean old tatty toys and plastic stuff a jumble sale wouldn't accept. Last time I asked him (not yelled, just asked!) to take them away he jumped in his car and drove off. I went round to his place and put them tidily on the back step. He rang the boys up and told them I was a lunatic and paranoid. Basically it has to be Just Say No to anything or he thinks I'm saying yes to everything.

But yeah... I hope I didn't make the boys feel guilty about enjoying something he had provided. I did say there's nothing wrong with him giving them food as such, but I wouldn't willingly eat it myself. Anyway DS4 wasn't enjoying it, that's why most of it was still there when I got home!

OP posts:
bruxeur · 09/12/2010 11:10

Food's quite practical.

MrManager · 09/12/2010 11:14

Your attitude will mess up your kids. Stop it.

booyhohoho · 09/12/2010 11:19

just take any unwated toys to charity shop, smae goes for anything he brings taht isn't wanted. and if the boys do want it then tehre is no problem. i knwo it is hard.

why isn't he paying maintenance? does he have teh other boys 50% of the time?

piprabbit · 09/12/2010 11:29

Quietly deciding not to eat any more steak and leaving it on the plate would be fine.
Turning it into a pantomime witnessed by your children was unfair.

I think you need to think through exactly what messages you are giving your children, and when they will be old enough to decide what they accept from their father for themselves.
You say your oldest son works? Is he also old enough to choose to accept a gift (or meal) from his father without checking with you first? If he does accept a gift will he be allowed to keep it 'on your premises' or will he need to keep it off-site, perhaps at a friend's house? Does he need to get your authorisation before bringing the item home or should he risk you wanting to bin it if he tries to apply for retrospective authority.

I'm not saying that you are in any way wrong to try and limit your ExH's tendency to overstep limits - but it sounds as though your children are old enough to be able to spot the flaws in your arguments so you need to make sure that they understand what is and isn't allowed. Otherwise, I can foresee future situations where your children feel forced to hide things from you - they will think that it protects you from upset, but it will drive a wedge between you.

mayorquimby · 09/12/2010 12:00

"I did say there's nothing wrong with him giving them food as such, but I wouldn't willingly eat it myself."

Doesn't quite marry with this

"He is NOT to bring food, or anything else I haven't specifically authorised, onto my premises."

Also surely your son brought it onto your premises.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/12/2010 12:37

eh?

EweArghhBeeInkUnderbobble · 09/12/2010 12:44

Tbh it makes you look crazy and your cat will only insist on steak from now on. You'll realizes your error soon

Original poster
Anniegetyourgun · 09/12/2010 13:18

DS2 is 23 years old and lives with me after trying for over a year to live with his father and no longer being able to hack it. DS4 is nearly 14.

Yeah, I have been mean about them having things here. It's not a huge house and I'm blowed if I'll let it get like it used to be living with the packrat, when it took 20 minutes to clear a chair if you wanted to watch telly, there was a massive collection of plastic bags in the garden which might be going to be useful some time, and the garage tools "had to" live under the dining table in case they got stolen... I've become quite minimalist in reaction, though to be fair they aren't short of things to play with. Even grownups have their leisure paraphernalia, myself no exception.

Yes, food is "practical", but none of us are starving just yet, we don't need care packages.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anniegetyourgun · 09/12/2010 13:19

You're right about the cat, btw, but he always was a hedonist.

OP posts:
RockinRobinBird · 09/12/2010 13:33

I don't know what to make of you, you sound bonkers. I'm not saying you should bow down in gratitude for him buying dinner but you're complaining that he didn't now you're complaining that he did?

There were about 30 different and better ways you could have handled that tbh.

frgr · 09/12/2010 13:36

I think there was a more grown up way to handle it, spitting out food and bad-mouthing your ex to the kids, etc - you may be in the right about wanting to set boundaries (totally agree on that one) but the method that you choose to deal with this issue makes you appear slightly odd and YABVVVU.

welshbyrd · 09/12/2010 13:49

Wish I had your problems with Ex-p, try being stalked, met at the school gates, peering through windows at night, using kids to get at me,I really dont understand what made you a extra scene for Eastender out of it.

Be straight with request for DH, either its ok to give kids food or it aint, and for your DC make your own supper next time

RunawayChristmasTree · 09/12/2010 18:45

Maybe he will foot the shrinks bill for straightening out your poor Kids when your childish behavior has finished messing them up, I feel more sorry for them having a mother like you then a father like him, he is looking the better parent TBH

justaboutdreamsofsleep · 09/12/2010 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.