to have given the steak to the cat?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Got home from work last night to find DS4 playing with a new game set which XH had bought for him and dropped round (by agreement, so far so good). He was also not managing to finish off a fairly tough piece of steak. Rather than cook something for myself as it was quite late, I very kindly (ahem) offered to finish his dinner for him. Part-way through the steak, DS2, who'd cooked it, let drop that it was XH who had brought the steak as well. I was absolutely furious, spat out the mouthful I was eating, washed my mouth out thoroughly, and dumped the remainder on the kitchen floor where No 1 Cat would soon gratefully discover it.

I will not be beholden to that man, nor will I allow him to encroach on my household arrangements. I have told the DSs that if he wants to feed them in future he can invite them to his place or take them out for a meal. I don't stop them seeing him as long as he doesn't cross my threshold. He is NOT to bring food, or anything else I haven't specifically authorised, onto my premises.

Very irrational I know. But as I explained to the boys, if I start being reasonable XH will joyously leap over the boundaries and start literally dumping stuff on the doorstep, as well as popping round and ringing far too often (although "ever" is far too often in my book). He does have form for this. They are allowed to put it to him in any way they like, including that I am off my rocker, so long as he knows he's not to do it.

So, AIBU to be U... or are there times when U is the only R way to be? Or, er, something like that.

My cat says YANBU and please can you send it here next time?

I do think that maybe it was a bit of an over-reaction to a simple bit of innocent dead cow... though I suspect my cats would want to live with you, as they don't get leftovers of my steaks!

I don't know what your ex is like, and I know that sometimes exes can be utterly nightmarish in the give them an inch and they will try to take a mile sort of way. I do have such an ex who could not accept that his gifts were outstandingly unwelcome and I eventually had to stop politely declining and returning them and be really harsh and nasty with him to make him stop.

Your actions do seem very dramatic to me though, and the kids probably thought it was utterly daft too. But I can sort of see the core feeling behind it. If the ex really would try to encroach crazily at the slightest sign of acceptance from you then it is probably wise to try not give him the chance.

But really, while YOU can firmly tell him 'No Gifts! No Food! No assorted bundles of crap!' and firmly enforce that rule, the kids will have to be responsible for accepting or declining his gifts to them for themselves... surely if they are the old tat and tough steaks you describe the kids won't particularly want them anyway? But if they are being given to them its up to them to say thanks or no thanks and then choose what to do with what they have been given.

I remember very clearly my Mum doing something similar when I was a teenager. I still am very cross that she behaved so childishly about my Dad (and him also about her)
Their attitudes towards each other very nearly ruined my wedding (not that anything actually happened but more that I was so worried Mum would behave badly towards Dad and Step Mum on the day).

Grow up for the sake of your kids.

Sorry, didn't disappear on purpose, had to go to work.

You're right, it is a peculiar way to behave and I did go over the top. Let me reassure you, I did apologise to the DCs. I've come a long way over the last couple of years but clearly have a way to go yet. To those who reckoned I'm a worse parent than the ex though, well, I despise AIBU by stealth, but... no. Just no.

Oh, and I promise, I behaved like an angel at DS1's wedding, even when required to pose for photos next to the horrid old man and look as if I was enjoying it! The day was all about DS1 and DIL, no way I would mess that up.

i don't think you sound bonkers OP. i think you still have baggage from the relationship. but i think you still need to get past it for your dc's sakes. but i think you know that too

He didnt bring the steak for you, he bought it for his kids. He would probably be appauled that you got your greedy gob around it.

I bet you are taking the maintenance payments without complaint, eh?

Thank you for the more sympathetic replies; there isn't a one who says I'm not BU, but then I expected that as I very clearly was! Baggage... hoo boy yes. I told the anecdote to a couple of very close friends who do know the whole story and even they said I need to calm down.

ccpccp, no, not a penny in maintenance as he earns very little and we used to have 50-50 care of DS4. The kids (well, one kid, one adult) had had all they wanted before I came home; I was just going to finish up the leftovers. Knowing him (which of course you don't) he would actually have been highly amused to hear I had eaten food he had provided, hence why I had a hysterical reaction to finding I had done so. I am indeed greedy and overweight but not through sponging off anyone else.

I think you need to talk to someone in real life tbh. Your reaction was extreme and unreasonable and will damage your children.

So yeah, I'd say YABU. But you knew that already. The question is what will you do to change it next time? I suspect you don't want to, that you're quite happy reacting like this... but it's not fair on your kids.

Mm, I think I would remember to ask the origin of any unexpected foods next time... no, not happy reacting like it, I like to be sensible and smugly ensconced on the moral high ground. Trouble is I tried being reasonable for many years, but it doesn't work when the party of the second part is determinedly unreasonable. So I got unreasonable as the only way of not being trampled all over. I shouldn't need it now and, as you so rightly say, the offspring shouldn't have to witness it.

MN is so much cheaper than therapy!

Oh grow up op, I can't believe the likes of you exist, I feel sorry for your children.

I think you need to start improving your attitude unless you want to end up being dragged on Jeremy Kyle in the near future.

I wonder what the title would be ?

'mum, dad used to bring us steak for tea, why did you spit it out and hurl it at the cat ? Are you aware of how mad this made us feel ?'

They don't need Jeremy Kyle, they told me to my face. They are both bigger than me and have never been afraid to comment, even when I was at my maddest. I didn't "hurl it" at the cat btw, I placed it on the floor where he could find it.

And I have no objection to him feeding them whatever he wants. He can call them up any time and invite them out and I will encourage them to go, as I know he misses them. They probably wouldn't want to eat at his place as it's unspeakably filthy, but he could invite them round to his brother's if he can't afford a meal out. He just doesn't come here to feed them. It's like vampires, once you let them in they never go away.

YABU to spit it out and react the way you did, but I think you realise that now as so many MNers have pointed out.

YANBU to give steak to the cat. It must have made the cat's day

Good, good. I'm glad they told you to your face, long may it continue.

ccpccp- what a bad attitude! If she was getting maintenance then what is she meant to be -grateful for them? I think not.

And apocalypsecheesetoastie, 'I can't believe the likes of you exist'? I think that's a ridiculous thing to say. I am sure we have all done some stupid things in our time, OP realises she over reacted. What she did wasn't that bad and it's not as if her kids are children fgs.

As the child of a very acrimonious divorce and parents who sound much like you do now, I have to warn you that your DC's will probably end up resenting you for the way you're acting. It doesn't make your ex look bad for overstepping the boundaries (as you perceive it), it just makes you look nasty, and petty.

I am sure you have very good reasons, but do yourself a favour by taking the moral high ground once in a while and not acting like a spoiled child.

(ooooh lovely steak... nom nom......... oh, what's that? it's from a boy... yuuuuk, urrrrugh, germs!)

Exactly TwinklePants, op you really need to keep your feelings under control, however difficult it may be. It's damaging for any children involved, however old they are.

Annie - YABVVU. My mum did this to me about my Dad, and I still feel guilty every time I spend time with him. It has made my life a balancing act, wondering if I am going to upset/offend my mum or my dad - and it bloody hurts

I can't even look at my wedding album as my mum kicked up a massive fuss saying there were more photos of my dad than her.

You will seriously fuck up your kids.

Unless your XP was nasty or cruel to your kids, you have no right to badmouth him to them - the problems you had with him are your problems and not your kids.

Sounds like an excellent way to get your boy's to prefer their father's company over yours and write you off as a bit crazy and best avoided.

Actually, I think in this case you overreacted but (I think I remember some of your other threads) it's understandable in that your XP is a complete headcase. He's a hoarder as well as abusive, isn't he? House full of filthy, useless things - so part of your instinctive revulsion at finding out he had provided this meat might have been worry that he had got it out of a bin or something.
IN general, though, unless your DC are already showing hoarding tendencies, they are unlikely to follow their dad's example in the future (and if they are showing hoarding tendencies it's worth getting help for them now before it gets entrenched) - it's probably best simply to either bin or charity-shop anything your H brings to the house without commentint to him. THe best way to dal with unreasonable bullies is to react with complete indifference.

So sorry to hear about your parents, Kara
. That is so obviously just wrong. Photographs of her FGS? Whose wedding is it anyway?

May I reiterate that I did nothing to jeopardise anybody's enjoyment of DS1's wedding. The whole day was really pleasant and all about the truly fabulous bride, oh, and I think there may have been a groom involved somewhere too . XH did do one silly thing which upset DS4 but I managed to stop it turning into any kind of drama (by which I don't just mean I restrained myself from turning it into one, I soothed things between them like a good responsible mama).

I don't intend to badmouth him to them. I tell them he loves them because it's true, and I insist they treat him with at least common courtesy, eg don't keep him waiting when he's giving them a lift, offer him a coffee on a freezing day etc. I had to place a ban on them letting him in when I'm not there, though, as he used to do strange creepy things which probably wouldn't sound so bad individually... However he does say some dreadful things sometimes which they have to know is not about them, and how do I refute the things he says about me which upset them, without implying he's lying? It is a difficult balancing act.

Lastly, I do tell them that just because I can't live with him doesn't mean they can't or shouldn't - but I accept that my actions set a different example.

Thanks SGB, that's the guy, yes. He was clearing his house out to sell (there's another issue for resentment which we won't go into right now), that's why he turned up with sacks of stuff and tried to fly-tip it on my doorstep. The boys had been round to his house loads of times to help sort things out; this was the dregs. I was buggered if I would dispose of his rubbish for him, I mean that's a major part of why I was so desperate to move into my own place - to leave the rubbish behind. I am not his personal dustbin.

TBH I think you were a bit over the top, but YANBU. You have a lot of baggage with this guy, and your DC have mostly grown up now.

Not badmouthing your ex in front of the DC is one thing, but not shielding them from an ex's lunacy is something else entirely. If ex is a nutcase, then you must do what you can to shield them and yourself.

My SIS finally stopped putting up with her ex's ridiculous behaviour and stopped letting the boys go to see him - they were overjoyed!