Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed that some people just seem to do whatever they want, bugger anyone else?

48 replies

prettymuchapixiegirl · 09/12/2010 10:02

I know a couple of other mums like this and they're really annoying me at the moment.

I'm a SAHM and don't want to come across as a matryr, because I'm not. I have evenings out, go to the gym regularly etc. As a parent, I would of course love to have child-free weekends away or go off with friends for a child-free day whenever I like, but this doesn't really happen very often, as we normally don't have anyone to have the children whilst we do things like that, so I never book them or arrange them unless I have childcare arranged first. I also don't work as childcare would take up all my earnings and no family members would be able to have the children.

I have two friends that both seem to do exactly as they like, and expect others to just have their children for them, and I'm wondering if I have got my priorities all wrong?

For example, friend number one phoned me a few weeks ago asking me to have her youngest child overnight this weekend and for the entire Sunday as she's booked a weekend away with her boyfriend and hasn't got anyone to have her daughter on Saturday night and Sunday daytime. She then wanted me to drop her child at her mother's house on Sunday night ready for her mum to take her to school on Monday. Now, is it me, or wouldn't you arrange childcare for something before you booked it, rather than just booking something and assuming that anyone and everyone will have your child?

The other friend works 3 days a week and doesn't have any childcare arranged for her school-age child for those days, and just expects me to constantly pick up and take to school for her. I have actually started saying "no" now as I have enough to do with sorting my own children out, let alone an extra one too. Like I said, I don't work partly due to the logistics and cost of childcare, yet I feel this friend hasn't sorted out childcare properly and just goes to work assuming that someone - anyone - will have her child for her. She also regularly asks me to have her child (which again I now say no to) so she can go off for child-free spa days, or to meet a friend for lunch etc. Funnily enough I am never asked to join in with these arrangements, just asked to provide childcare. If it was me, I would either say no to child-free things in the day, or would make sure I had childcare arranged before planning something.

I know I probably sound like a miserable cow, and I don't mean/want to be, I just think some people take the piss. Am I unique in thinking once you're a parent (and I mean mum or dad, not just the mum) you have to consider your kids before you go off and do what the heck you want?

OP posts:

BonniePrinceBilly · 09/12/2010 10:05

I think you need to learn to say no. They can't do what they want unless people like you let them.

gorionine · 09/12/2010 10:05

YANBU It is very cheeky to first book the time away from your children and then call friends to the rescue. I have no problem with the very same demands made in the right order.

Suncottage · 09/12/2010 10:08

A friend once asked me to have her DD for a day so she could have a day out with her boyfriend.

They went to Alton Towers - her DD was five years old - I was so shocked when I found out she didn't even consider taking her child with her.

Katisha · 09/12/2010 10:08

Yep. Just say no.

Bonsoir · 09/12/2010 10:12

People can be extraordinarily cheeky about getting others to take care of their DCs. My DP's exW accepted a new job that involved unpredictable overnight travel every week without telling us, and then rang up to inform us of the extra unpredictable nights we would be having the boys. Ha ha ha. We said no.

zukiecat · 09/12/2010 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasENormaSnob · 09/12/2010 10:17

Yanbu at all.

Say no more often. All the time if you like.

Diamondback · 09/12/2010 10:25

Arrange a couple of spa days, then dump your kid on her - see how she likes it

SeaTrek · 09/12/2010 10:27

Yep, just need to say no.

I guess they have done this kind of thing their whole life and got away with it and now see it as normal.

Do you think they would happily accept the situtation if it were reversed? Do they happily do favours for you? I think that would really be the deciding factor in whether I even wanted to remain friends with them. If they would then I guess they simply do see this as normal behaviour and they way they were brought up. If not then they are simply self consumed.

rastaClaus · 09/12/2010 10:31

YANBU but agree with the others you need to say no. Sounds like they take you for granted and generally take the piss.

Maybe ask them to return the favour so you can have a well deserved spa break?

Original poster

prettymuchapixiegirl · 09/12/2010 10:43

I keep saying no to them both now, it was getting ridiculous, especially since half the time when friend 2 asks me to take her DC to school, her husband is still asleep in bed having a lie-in.

I will definitely start asking them to do me favours in return. Hmmmm, I quite fancy a spa day.......

OP posts:

SpotSplatterSplash · 09/12/2010 11:00

Just don't do it.

If you start asking them to return favours, I generally find that it gets worse.

For example - you go on a spa day - you end up doing 3 times the amount babysitting.

Just say no

AlpinePony · 09/12/2010 11:16

You can say NO. Equally, you are being a tad "martyry" - there's nothing to stop you booking a night out with your husband/day out to the spa and THEN arranging childcare.

It's amazing what you can arrange when your back's against the wall (i.e., booked & paid for already!).

Original poster

prettymuchapixiegirl · 09/12/2010 11:23

LOL Alpinepony, I just know if I did that I'd end up finding no one to have the kids and end up wasting the money.

OP posts:

monkeyflippers · 09/12/2010 11:30

Just don't do it anymore. I think they are taking advantage of you.

AlpinePony · 09/12/2010 11:38

pixie - well then, you "manipulatively" 24 hours in advance post to AIBU something like: "AIBU in not being able to find a babysitter in "Maidstone" for tomorrow evening so I can have a long-deserved night out with DH?"!

monkeyflippers · 09/12/2010 13:59

I think it's a very bad idea to arrange to go away without sorting out the childcare first. It is presumptious and rude and doesn't show that a person has their childs best interests at heart.

I wouldn't do it pixie. Just cos they act like this doesn't mean you should.

ivykaty44 · 09/12/2010 14:12

bonsoir - we said no is just fine when it is not a parent but if your dh is the parent of those two boys that really is not fine to say no to bbsitting his own children

I remeber asking my dc father to have the dc unexpectedly and the answer being no - I never asked noramly and it was out of the blue,fortuantly my friends are brill and I was able to rush to my grandmothers side in hospital without dragging the dc. My gran was ok but scared on her own.

Normally my dad helps out a lot and i never had to be refused help again as I never ask - his loss though

5GoldenFimbos · 09/12/2010 14:17

Bonsoir I agree with Ivykaty, it seems a bit mean as they are your dp's own children. Surely you work around each others arrangements predictable or not. I find that quite bizarre really.

I too have a friend who has never once offered to have my ds and yet as soon as she needs to work late or go somewhere then she expects me to have her dd as I don't work.

thesecondcoming · 09/12/2010 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frgr · 09/12/2010 14:52

just say no. when people ask you to do them a FAVOUR, you have the option of accepting or declining. if they have a problem with your decision, it's their problem, not yours. that's how favours work. people sometimes try and manipulate others into thinking a favour being asked is a favour being granted, and they tend to latch onto people who don't realise what they're doing.

orangepoo · 09/12/2010 14:58

I would start saying no. Think of a list of reasons so that you aren't going to get caught off guard. You don't feel well, you are busy etc, anything.

I am a SAHM for similar ish reasons and I don't mind helping someone who has got into a difficult situation. I had unwittingly let one of them start taking the mick with her requests and I have told her I am busy the last few times she has asked me.

Bonsoir · 09/12/2010 17:08

It's absolutely fine to say no to your partner's ex. No family court would ever rule in favour of one parent having complete control over the agenda of the other!

pleasechange · 09/12/2010 17:17

For all you slagging off bonsoir and her DH - most parents, before accepting such child unfriendly working hours, make sure that these can be accomodated by the family. That would include the children's father, whether or not she is living with him. She clearly chose not to consult and then present it to the children's father as a done deal. That is extraordinarily thoughtless

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 09/12/2010 17:25

Agree with allnew, by the sounds of it the ex-wife presented it as a fait accompli, without bothering to ask how it fitted in with thei lives. In which case Bonsoir and DP justified in saying no, surely?

Flip

1 2