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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit annoyed that some people just seem to do whatever they want, bugger anyone else?

48 replies

prettymuchapixiegirl · 09/12/2010 10:02

I know a couple of other mums like this and they're really annoying me at the moment.

I'm a SAHM and don't want to come across as a matryr, because I'm not. I have evenings out, go to the gym regularly etc. As a parent, I would of course love to have child-free weekends away or go off with friends for a child-free day whenever I like, but this doesn't really happen very often, as we normally don't have anyone to have the children whilst we do things like that, so I never book them or arrange them unless I have childcare arranged first. I also don't work as childcare would take up all my earnings and no family members would be able to have the children.

I have two friends that both seem to do exactly as they like, and expect others to just have their children for them, and I'm wondering if I have got my priorities all wrong?

For example, friend number one phoned me a few weeks ago asking me to have her youngest child overnight this weekend and for the entire Sunday as she's booked a weekend away with her boyfriend and hasn't got anyone to have her daughter on Saturday night and Sunday daytime. She then wanted me to drop her child at her mother's house on Sunday night ready for her mum to take her to school on Monday. Now, is it me, or wouldn't you arrange childcare for something before you booked it, rather than just booking something and assuming that anyone and everyone will have your child?

The other friend works 3 days a week and doesn't have any childcare arranged for her school-age child for those days, and just expects me to constantly pick up and take to school for her. I have actually started saying "no" now as I have enough to do with sorting my own children out, let alone an extra one too. Like I said, I don't work partly due to the logistics and cost of childcare, yet I feel this friend hasn't sorted out childcare properly and just goes to work assuming that someone - anyone - will have her child for her. She also regularly asks me to have her child (which again I now say no to) so she can go off for child-free spa days, or to meet a friend for lunch etc. Funnily enough I am never asked to join in with these arrangements, just asked to provide childcare. If it was me, I would either say no to child-free things in the day, or would make sure I had childcare arranged before planning something.

I know I probably sound like a miserable cow, and I don't mean/want to be, I just think some people take the piss. Am I unique in thinking once you're a parent (and I mean mum or dad, not just the mum) you have to consider your kids before you go off and do what the heck you want?

OP posts:

5GoldenFimbos · 09/12/2010 20:11

I think if Bonsoir had posted the point of view the way you did allnew then yes I would and do see that it is thoughtless. Sorry Bonsoir but you seemed a bit smug.

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 09/12/2010 20:31

It is not entirely unheard of for Bonsoir to come across as a bit smug (with apologies to Bonsoir). But I think this was fair enough.

thesecondcoming · 09/12/2010 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 10/12/2010 06:35

I don't think it's about agendas, TSC, just common courtesy. The ex-wife should have asked them first.

Presumably they have a 50/50 custody arrangement, you don't just make it 60/40 without bothering to discuss it with the other parent first!

macdoodle · 10/12/2010 06:46

Bonsoir you are a piece of work

Bonsoir · 10/12/2010 07:24

"Presumably they have a 50/50 custody arrangement, you don't just make it 60/40 without bothering to discuss it with the other parent first!"

Precisely.

And what is interesting in a case such as this one is that there are legal and financial sanctions for the unreasonable parent if the parent who is being put upon chooses to use them. Unlike with "friends" who can just choose to say no but have no recourse to justice (just the majority voice on MN to reassure them).

onceamai · 10/12/2010 07:31

I'm actually not sure about this one. I was a SAHM for 8 years and I was taken advantage of a bit but then I went back to work and had absolutely no compunction about calling in some long overdue favours. I think you could play this one to your own advantage actually. You say that you don't get the chance to have a day out much so you could actually say next time, yes of course I can help you out on x but I have plans on y so it would be great if you could help me out then.

activate · 10/12/2010 07:32

so a father and his new wife refused to take the father's children on unpredictable nights due to new work commitments?

I agree she should have consulted you first but I am appalled that any parent can turn his or her own children away - that's just disgusting!

Bonsoir · 10/12/2010 07:34

Interesting. The only parent abandoning their duty to their children here is the mother, not the father.

ScroobiousPip · 10/12/2010 07:43

Prettymuch - as already said, you need to say no. Don't call in the favours because you'll get stuck in a cycle.

If it's your own children then I think is that it is different. Especially if it is for work reasons, then that is enabling the other parent to have financial independence which has got to be good all round. Ultimately, if the relationship changes from 50/50 to 60/40 long term then the follow on is to change the financial and legal arrangement to reflect that.

Of course, if the other parent just wants to go out and party, that's a different kettle of fish - you wouldn't be saying no to your children but to the other parent for not taking their responsibilities seriously IYSWIM.

Bonsoir · 10/12/2010 07:47

In the eyes of the law it makes absolutely no difference whether the other parent wants to work or party: their commitments never make the other parent de facto responsible for taking over childcare.

The point being that no-one is ever fall-back childcare for a parent: not the other parent, not the neighbour, not your mother. You can always say no!

Piggles · 10/12/2010 07:49

Not arranging childcare before making plans is to my mind deeply irresponsible and inconsiderate of both children and potential child-minders. I have a cousin who regularly dumps her poor son on various family members (usually her housebound grandmother ) and swans off to have a good time.

As for Bonsoir's situation... I really don't see why anyone should be allowed to re-order someone else's life for their own convenience, even if it does involve childcare. I'd have given the ex-wife a flea in her ear too.

ScroobiousPip · 10/12/2010 07:55

Sorry, I don't buy that Bonsoir. If my ex-DH didn't stand in for me regularly when I need to travel or work late then I'd lose my job and he wouldn't get paid maintenance for DS. We'd all be worse off.

Bonsoir · 10/12/2010 07:56

You may not buy it, ScroobiousPip, but it is important to understand it.

When one parent takes advantage of the other parent (using them as de facto childcare is just one example) it often leads to divorce!

BeenBeta · 10/12/2010 08:00

YANBU.

I have an occassional rant about the whole 'playdate thing on here. As far as I am concerned it is just free childcare and some parents openly abuse it.

When we first started sending DS1 to school, there were parents who really targeted us for 'playdates'. They wanted to book in specific times and dates to cover their work routines and nigts out, etc. They were not interested in any other suggested dates we made. They only wanted free childcare cover on specific dates.

We were naieve at first but we soon got wise and started sayng no.

We moved to another town a few years ago and as soon as we arrived one particular parent started targeting us. She really just farms her DD out to anyone who will take her at least 3 days a week and especially at weekends and in holidays. I feel sorry for her DD as she never knows who will be picking her up from school. We just kept saying no and eventually the woman got the message.

I know 'playdates' are good for children to socialise but we have a rule. Unless the parent is coming with the child and staying with the child we say no.

onceamai · 10/12/2010 08:10

A lot of what's on here is really sad. When I was a SAHM I appreciated it was a privilege and there were other mums who were struggling with jobs and childcare and I was always happy to help where I could. I don't recall anyone actually taking liberties - just people needing some help who were in more difficult circumstances than me. There came a time when I needed help and they could give. What goes round comes round - both ways IMO.

Bonsoir · 10/12/2010 08:14

onceamai - working parents are not always in more difficult circumstances than stay at home parents, onceamai. You have no duty as a stay at home parent to care for the children of others - do so if you wish and if it is convenient to you and your own family, but if you don't want to, you do not have to.

TryLikingClarity · 10/12/2010 08:20

OP - YANBU. Your friends are taking the

BalloonSlayer · 10/12/2010 08:21

I think the OP in NBU but when I saw the job of my dreams and applied for it, I had not thoroughly researched my childcare options, and I was terrified of leaving my DCs with anyone, never having done it.

When I say "not thoroughly researched" I mean I had a friend who is a childminder who had said she would take them (paid of course) but I had not worked out how I would manage the getting to her and picking them up, timings etc.

It was all completely new to me and I was getting in a right old stew. Then I said to myself: "Look. Just get the bloody job first. THEN worry about whether you will have time to get to the school to pick them up yourself or if the childminder will have to do it." (That said, if my friend hadn't been able to take them I think I would have turned the job down and I would NEVER have asked people to have them for nothing.)

Maybe some of the job-related ones are a bit like that - that people don't know if they'll even get the job and think they'll cross that bridge when they come to it.

And maybe Bonsoir's DH's ex was giving him "first refusal" on having the children as it is not beyond the realms of possibility that a father might like to see more of his DCs, and of course it would be cheaper than paid childcare. The ex may be a cow but she'd be stupid if she didn't explore the idea of the kids going to their dad's for free before arranging expensive care elsewhere.

Bonsoir · 10/12/2010 08:23

BalloonSlayer - I can assure your speculation about the circumstances is not correct.

FWIW the DSSs already had a FT live-in nanny paid for in the entirety by DP.

Morloth · 10/12/2010 09:30

Say NO then it is none of your business/worry/concern what they do.

plupervert · 10/12/2010 10:43

prettymuchapixiegirl, it's sad that you feel you are a "miserable cow" for being annoyed about this. If you only see these people for their importunate requests, perhaps you could be brave enough to say something like , "So you're off to the spa again, without inviting me? Well, since we never see one another socially, let me burn our relationship by telling you what I think of this behaviour.... [insert rant]. You know, it's a shame for you that you burned me like this, as I would have continued helping out for longer, if you had managed me and my feelings more carefully. [big wink and cheerful grin]."

There will be no comeback for you because, as mentioned above, you don't see one another socially anyway!

As for the situation with Bonsoir, I agree that changes to childcare régimes should be approached collaboratively and sensitively. DCs tie together people into a family, whether those people live together or not.

GandalfyCarawak · 10/12/2010 10:54

YANBU OP.

And Bonsoir, whilst I agree that your DP's exW should have consulted you first, I think your first post and its "ha ha ha. We said no." was a bit off. The ExW sounds like a nightmare, but it's the children who end up being with a parent who doesn't want them there.

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