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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unbelievably fed up with constantly asking/reminding DH?

85 replies

CrazyChristmasLady · 09/12/2010 09:27

DH is a good man and from what my friends say, men in general are no different with the things that bug me but I am fed up to the back teeth of having to ask or remind him to do things all the bloody time.

Eg, he gets a sore throat, out come the throat sweets, cue days of me finding the wrappers left everywhere. I have asked him to put them in bin before (I shouldn't have to really) but you can guarantee there will be some left somewhere that I will end up picking up. I have tried just leaving rubbish around that he leaves, but it will just stay there until I deal with it.

I have been waiting for a certain box to go to the charity shop, it has been in our bedroom for months. Finally he is making 2 trips (that I have had to again, remind him about more than once), but as he couldn't carry this box and didn't have time this morning to nip back upstairs and pick it up (despite having been up for an hour and a half) he has said that he will take it to the tip. I usually have to remind him to go to the tip too. Last week we had cardboard boxes from flat pack furniture blocking half the kitchen for nearly 2 weeks.

We use reusable carrier bags, we keep them in the boot of the car as we have no where else to store them. He goes shopping, brings the bags in and will go in and out several times over the following days, but until I actually say "can you take them out to the car please" or get fed up and do it myself, which he will then say "I was going to do that" they will sit in the middle of the kitchen floor. I once put them in the doorway when I knew he was in and out and he just stepped right over them.

I always ask, nicey, I don't scream and shout, I get exasperated and I have told him that it is bad enough I am picking up after a toddler and I shouldn't have to after him all the time but he still does it, and gets huffy with me when I ask him! Things will improve for a few days, then it will go back to normal. I have M.E. and I am 7 months pregnant. I feel like all I do it try and keep things tidy by picking up after others. If I don't do it, the house very quickly ends up in a complete state where it will take me ages to get sorted and DH will say "just leave it" Hmm.

These are just a few examples but it is doing my fucking nut in!!!

OP posts:
onceamai · 09/12/2010 21:43

apart from the drips on the seat my dh is relatively well trained now. However, I have had ds1 for nearly 16 years now and sadly this morning there were three pairs of pants on the bathroom floor, 6 towels in his bedroom, assorted socks all over the place, in the hall are a dirty rugby shirt and a skin and bits of mud from boots, in his room there are also several empty yoghurt pots, several glasses, several empty crisp packets and various other extraneous detritus all over the place. The greatest tragedy is that I can't blame MIL and he says the more I nag the longer it will take to clear up. Where oh where did I go wrong?

ShrinkingViolet · 09/12/2010 21:45

Dh didn't seem to think that my "if it's not in the laundry boxes (I have a Laundry System [wink) it doesn't get washed" applied to him until we went to visit my parents over Christmas, and he had to bring a suitcase full of dirty clothes and ask his MIL if he could use her washi ng machine as soon as we arrived. I LOLed (as did my mum).

Sadly the lesson hasn't sunk in properly, but everyone in the house now knows there is no point in complaining that such and such isn't washed.

ThisIsYourSong · 09/12/2010 21:47

OMG I love this thread! I don't get how they can do (or not do) the same things again and again and again.

My DH is fantastic at doing things and I know I'm lucky in this respect, but he only ever does half a job e.g. does the dishes but CANNOT wipe down the stove or the worktop. INCAPABLE of sorting whites and coloureds.

I also hate the 'I was going to do that/I'll do that' - why don't you bloody do it then or one of the other ten things that need doing!!!

rant over [deep breath]

ShrinkingViolet · 09/12/2010 21:52

oh god yes, the "can't tell the difference between whites and coloureds" drives me bananas - I end up holiding up a Tshirt adn shrieking "what colour is this, eh? eh? Is it white? No it's not, it's red. Where do you think it goes then, in the whites box or in the brights box?". (I admit I might be a touch anal about laundry sorting, but the System has four boxes - whites, lights. brights and darks - and I have a regular load each week of one of them. So if DH someone fills up the brights box with light Tshirts, then I have no idea what's going on with the laundry.)

onceamai · 09/12/2010 21:52

The one thing they did all get a bit shocked about though was when I did my back in (bulging disc - couldn't move for days). All three of them were wandering around looking perplexed and and amazed at the number of instructions I gave. "pick that up please" "pass me this" "can you empty the linen basket and carry the laundry downstairs" "can you put it in the machine" "sorry darling but you have to come to Sainsbury's because I can't bend to pick up, put in trolley, etc". Made me realise how much I did for them too.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 09/12/2010 21:57

Shrinkingviolet I like your style!!

ShrinkingViolet · 09/12/2010 22:00

trouble is now everyone waits till I finish all the washing that's been put out (that would be mine and DD3s), then fill it all up with the stuff they've hoarded and try to claim "well I have put it out". I'm still working on that one Wink.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 09/12/2010 22:08

I am still laughing about your DH packing a bag full of dirty clothes. My DH is away this weekend and might well find himself doing the same thing as all his clothes are currently in a heap by his side of the bed and I have no idea what is dirty and what's clean Grin

missmakesstuff · 09/12/2010 22:28

I have just got DH to read this.

He laughed and said 'at least you're not alone.'

Arrgghh!

isitmidnightalready · 09/12/2010 22:30

My DH also uses the "floordrobe" for his clothes. I like to chip in and add to his pile by throwing anything of his in the gap between the bed and his drawers Not that I'm a domestic goddess but I do try to keep my mess in my area.

2muchtodo2littletime · 09/12/2010 22:35

I must have married your DH's twin brother.

My problem is my DD2 - 4yrs old! She is exactly the same as her dad. She is always busy not doing the things I've asked her to do.

Just had major op - no lifting/driving etc for at least 6 wks. As I am housebound I have organised friends to help with toddler. DH insists on staying in the house when others are there to help giving the impression of being an ideal husband. He then leaves 3 mins after visitors go but wont go to shop for nappies, milk etc.Angry

Going before blood pressure goes up any moreWink

corriefan · 09/12/2010 22:56

Mine's like that too although he does try bless him, but just gets it a bit wrong! I came back after a night out and he was in bed with the lights off everywhere but had left the heating on and the back door unlocked, not covered the sofa to stop the dog going on it, BUT he had put the dishwasher on... Which was only a quarter full!

SixtyFootDoll · 09/12/2010 23:06

My DH has a very responsible job making snap decisions, yet he thinks its OK to leave his shoes outside the cupboaard door rather than opening the door and putting shoes inside the cupboard.
Its like a nightly ritual ' put you shoes away please'
'Pick your coat up off the settee'

Like I keep saying ' IF i ask you to d it, Im a nag'
' if I do it, then I'm a martyr'

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 10/12/2010 06:41

You know, you're all laughing but when you think about it, it shows a fundemental lack of respect and consideration for you.

I don't think that's funny. I really don't. I think that laughing about it like - oh that's just how men are, I have to clean after him, fetch things, pick things up, he doesn't see dirt, he won't do - to quote MrM "menial jobs", allows men to continue doing it. Because you will clean up after them simply because it is not acceptable to live in a house with skidmarked pants hanging off the chair arm. And they KNOW it.

It's actually really disgusting.

Xenia · 10/12/2010 06:52

Why do women tolerate these sexist and messy men if tidiness matters to them?

Why not just split tasks? eg we had a period when my children's father did all the washing. I don't think I would have known how to switch on the machine in that period. Then you do nothing of that person's task and don't remind them of it and just leave them to it.

I did our tax returns for 18 years. He took the children to the dentist for 18 years. I plaited the girls' hair. He stacked the dishwasher. In other words divide it up fairly and then just leave the other person to get on with it.

If you really have married an irredeemable slob buy in staff if you earn enough to pay them - we certainly found after 10 years and 3 children when we at last could afford it, that domestic help also made all this stuff much easier, but it depends on whether women pick sensible well paid careers as teenagers or are married to someone who can afford it. If you have someone who can afford it - say well I can see you have problems noticing things need to be done. I have the solution. We will get someone who comes every morning in the week and she will do your jobs. Make sure you leave her money out every Friday.
The answer is to marry someone with the same tidness levels as you and then it works (which was our case).

onceamai · 10/12/2010 07:01

Couldn't agree more Xenia but somehow I just didn't fall in love with the tidy ones and after 20 years I can still forgive DH's slobby ways because all the other bits make up for them.

I think this problem is at its worst when the dc are very small and actually for both partners life is pretty tough. It fades away a bit as "me" time comes back into the picture.

HectheHalls-yes I see where you are coming from but taking the above into account and the fact that DH has always been a very very good provider and whilst not wanting to help with chores he has always been prepared to pay for some help. Overall therefore I am happy to have a laugh - esp as even with me as a mother DS is 10 times worse than DH Confused.

wussbird · 10/12/2010 07:03

Oh, come on Hec and Xenia, we're all just having a bit of a light hearted moan!

Everyone does stuff their partners don't like and what's been mentioned isn't really important in the grand scheme of things.

My DH has a floordrobe. I forget to put DVDs back in the cases (sometimes Wink). It's really not a big deal.

Meglet · 10/12/2010 07:52

Thank goodness for hec and xenia. I was reading through this wondering why you all put up with it.

My xp wouldn't lower himself to do basic chores, he's someone elses problem now.

Caron1968 · 10/12/2010 08:00

Oh God. My partner is just the same.
Home from work last night clothes spread from front door to toilet.
Empty packet of pringles on floor of lounge.
"Please take the basket of washing upstairs on your way up" - still there this morning.
Going away for the weekend this evening. Has the packing been done as requested NO I will do it this morning along with the washing, ironing and putting away, presents to be wrapped, house to be cleaned. Oh yeah better fix the dripping tap in the bathroom.
Dirty tissues down the side of the bed, magazines all over the house, work paperwork spread all over the kitchen table and coffee table in the lounge.
Did I mention the dirty dishes on the worktops above the empty dishwasher, that I emptied. I work full time too and I am the one who has been getting up in the middle of the night with our 7 month old daughter.
Oh what a marvellous rant.

colditz · 10/12/2010 08:12

Ez used to leave computer parts everywhere. After fair warning, I binned the lot. He went ballistic.

He never did it again.

Truckulent · 10/12/2010 08:15

I'm glad my mum was a just good enough as far as housework is concerned. I think it's absolute drudgery and do the bare minimum.

I couldn't live with someone who left everthing for me though.

Caron1968 · 10/12/2010 08:19

Oh did I forget to mention. I am a man. Smile

siblingrivalry · 10/12/2010 08:24

I refuse to out up with this any more -I reached my breaking point a few months ago with my messy, hoarding dh.

Sick of him leaving his shoes at the foot of the stairs, where we all kept falling over them, I said that if they weren't kept in the shoe box I would throw them into the street.

Needless to say, he thought I was bluffing, so one evening I opened the front door and threw 2 pairs out of the front door (which opens straight onto the street).

We live on a main road, so I suspect he was a little bit embarrassed to be retrieving them in full view of rush-hour traffic Grin

I may sound unhinged -I just snapped!

WeirdFamily · 10/12/2010 08:55

I've taken to shoving all of DH's errant belongings in his clothes drawers. They are now full to bursting with junk but he doesn't seem to mind Hmm. Hey ho...as long as I'm not tripping over the damn stuff I'm happy.

Xenia · 10/12/2010 09:10

And sometimes it's the other way around. If you can be married to someone similar to you then it's fine.

I don't undertstand women though who just moan but then enable the behaviour - is it because they earn less than their man so are in a position of lack of economic power or are they so desperaet to have a man they put up with it or were they brought up in sexist homes where women serve men?

I do think nagging etc is pointless. If someone never notices mess whatever their gender they just don't. If instead they are 100% responsible for all of a task then it's fine as long as you divide it up equally in terms of time and everyone finds life with small babies hard and hard to keep tidy too. It's much easier as they get older.

I agree with Caron that's it not always just a male/female issue. It can be reversed. if someone really has loads of good qualities which make up for their bad whatever those bad aer then you ust have to work around it , hire help or ensure although you do all the tidying they do 100% of the cooking and weashing and 7 hours of childcare on Sundays.

Just fix it so that the not tidy one does hours and hours of jobs to give you time to tidy and put your feet up but don't be Martyr Mother. She is far too pervasive on this planet. She needs to change her mind set to can do and won't tolerate but stop just moaning and enabling and tolerating day to day behaviour she doesn't like.