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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm really annoyed about this but WIBU to e-mail the headmaster of DD's school or not?

52 replies

roomonthebroom · 06/12/2010 15:28

DD's school is closed today because of the snow. The school has sent an e-mail to all of the parents with an attachment containing work sheets for the children to complete at home. There is one for each year group and they are similar to the usual homework exercises sent.

My DD is in Primary 1 so it's a bit of colouring in, but there are different sheets for each year group. For the P6 children there is a worksheet with words which they need to copy and then write a sentence for 4 of the words of thier choosing. However, there is a second P6 worksheet with the names of 2 specific children on it who have been given much easier words as they obviously have some additional learning needs.

AIBU in thinking that if there was going to be differentiated homework the school should have e-mailed this to the parent's of the 2 children affected, rather than send the same message to the whole of the junior school which pretty much says 'in case you hadn't noticed, children X and Y need additional learning support'.

Although my child is not affected I feel that I want to e-mail the headmaster to point this out. Should I, or should I just get over it? It's just made me feel a bit uncomfortable about the way the school may treat those with ASN.

FWIW I'm a former teacher and would never have singled a child out in this way, but don't know if this is 'normal' behaviour.

OP posts:
SantasMooningArse · 06/12/2010 18:26

YANBU

oh they will MrManager; we've had all sorts over the years in a competitive school, from comments, people turning up at our home to complain, down to all out take over bids on the assigned TA by a parent who told ehr child loudly 'You're having X today, there's no reason Y is entitled more than you. Don't let Y near her' (Y, my ds3, was at that stage non verbal and in nappies with his ASD; he is now in a SNU placement and thriving, albeit on his own terms obv.).

It only takes one or two peope sadly.

OP I would be thankful for you doing this as a parent of 3 children with different levels of SEN.

Original poster
roomonthebroom · 06/12/2010 18:30

Mr Manager I didn't open the attachment for P6, it was one attachment, 8 pages long with all the homework for all year groups.

I'm not sure that the children would be 'bullied' because of the info, just think school could have been more sensitive really. I'm not trying to say what people should / should not be offended by, but for ME it was a bit Shock.

Also, my DD is in P1 and we don't yet know whether she might be one of the ones who needs differentiated work, so thought a polite e-mail might be in order so that the school is aware GENERALLY that there may be a better way of distributing homework.

Or maybe I should just butt out :o

OP posts:
pantomimecow · 06/12/2010 20:06

You can't complain on behalf of someone else's child! You are WAY overstepping the mark and their parents will be pissed at you!

notanumber · 06/12/2010 20:17

Ummm..... It's the parents who received the email, right? Not the children?

So it's not as though the two children concerned had their differentiation revealed to their peers (though I would be astonished if the class didn't already know about it and couldn't care less) as each child is just are handed the sheet relevent to them so they can rush through it and then build a snowman get their work done.

So it is only parents who know that these children have some SEN?

Does it matter? That's not meant arsily, btw, but quite genuinely. Does it mattter if other parents are now aware that these children have some SEN? Would you mind if it were your child that other parents were aware of it?

amumm · 06/12/2010 20:21

None of your business - leave it to the parents involved to complain. For all you know they don't mind and you're just stirring.

TotalChaos · 06/12/2010 20:26

yanbu. my DS has mild SN, I would not be pleased if it was flagged up to the other parents in this way.

Original poster
roomonthebroom · 06/12/2010 20:32

I'm sure the other children, and the parents, are aware that these children have ASN and the children themselves will be aware that sometimes they do different worksheets to their classmates. I do think though that the children in question have a right to have their privacy respected and not be singled out in a document that will be seen by 200+ parents, so yes I do think it matters. Of course ASN are not something to be ashamed of and if my child does need additional support at any time in her school career I would hope that her privacy would be respected.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 06/12/2010 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
roomonthebroom · 06/12/2010 20:36

I think being a teacher has a lot to do with it SGM- it's just not something I would ever have done.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 06/12/2010 22:29

I think being a teacher has a lot to do with it too - but for different reasons than you do.

I also think your daughters situation is clouding your view.

earwicga · 06/12/2010 22:34

Yep, like the others say - email. They have broken confidentiality rules.

ChippingIn · 06/12/2010 22:35

Children are far more accepting than adults, if all of the adults stopped making such a big deal out of things, the children wouldn't think anything of it. Why should those children have hide their differences?

ChippingIn · 06/12/2010 22:36

All the children have graded books - should they now be secretly coded so that they all appear to be reading at the same level?

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2010 22:57

What goes on in the classroom and is seen by a child's peers is one thing, but to broadcast it to all parents is quite another.
It wouldn't hurt to point it out.

Original poster
roomonthebroom · 06/12/2010 23:09

My daughter's situation chippingin? There is no situation. The point I was making was that in P1 none of us can know for sure that our DC won't need additional support in a particular area of the curriculum.

Of course children know that they are grouped in the class according to ability, it is a fact of life.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 06/12/2010 23:09

Why is it such a bad thing though - why should it be hidden from the other parents? Surely acceptance that we are all different would be a better thing?

RolandButter · 06/12/2010 23:12

what are you trying to achieve?

zipzap · 06/12/2010 23:12

Definitely think it is right to send a polite email to the school to point out what they have done is not really acceptable and the reasons why.

The more people that email in the better, they will realise that it is not just the parents of the children affected being picky, but that it really wasn't appropriate.

And it also shows a lack of foresight and consideration by the school with regard to sending out large batch emails. If sending stuff out to large numbers of people then they need to be aware of the surrounding issues regarding sending these out and whether or not it is appropriate to send everything to everybody. Next time they might let a really big clanger slip, if they are warned this time it might make them think twice before they send stuff out. And make sure that they have an email policy and that it is adhered to!

Original poster
roomonthebroom · 06/12/2010 23:21

Of course acceptance would be the ideal. However, IME some parents can be very unkind about children who are 'different' and who they think may be hindering their child by needing more teacher attention etc. I have experienced this at the parent's evenings of children I have taught and it's horrible.

Rolandbutter- I would like the school to make sure they don't make the same mistake again, nothing more.

Zigzag, you make some excellent points, some of which I will steal.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 07/12/2010 09:32

A schools SEN register is confidential.

So they have effectively revealed to all the parents at the school who is likely to be on theirs.

Very bad practice, I'd say.

SantasMooningArse · 07/12/2010 13:44

Acceptance is the ideal: would I be happy for my child's right to confidentiality to be sacrificed as part of that? no.

Blindly stumbling towards some far off aim is not OK if it means individual children may be compromised along the way: Tehy are not acceptable collaterel damage. And some parents in some schools (and MN has had the threads to evidence this) will not accept anything other than a very narrow range of ability and behaviour is something that is allowable in tehir child's school.

confuddledDOTcom · 07/12/2010 14:50

It reminds me of when I was in hospital for a long time, I quickly found out who the gossips amongst the staff were as they would gossip about patients as they changed beds. I complained about it because I felt by hearing it I was being made party to the gossip and it made me very uncomfortable. I also found out afterwards that they had gossiped about me too. I was allowed to go off ward and even allowed to go out of the hospital if I wanted to (obviously had to let the staff know first) and one such time when I was out of the ward they were changing my bed and saying that people like me shouldn't be in hospital, if we're well enough to leave the ward then we're well enough to be home Shock TBH that was part of the reason I complained, because I knew there was a chance it could be me they were gossiping about or would be gossiping about me next.

I might be happy for people to know things about me but I'd rather be in control of who knows than have that taken out of my hands.

In case you didn't guess YANBU.

Original poster
roomonthebroom · 07/12/2010 17:08

Thanks for your input everyone, in the end an e-mail wasn't necessary as the head was in the office when I dropped DD off at school this morning, so I mentioned it when he stopped for a chat. I was very polite and he was a bit embarrassed and said he would speak to the office staff. I did point out that they were probably acting on the instructions of the teacher though, and he said he would speak to her too. So, job done, it was painless, and I feel better for mentioning it.

You're right confuddled, it is not about necessarily minding what people know, and let's face many children and parents will know that the children in question DO have ASN, it's about having the control of the information taken out of the individual's hands.

SantasMooningArse- you're right, children's feelings/ self-esteem as 'collaterel damage' in the quest for acceptance isn't on, and although in an ideal world openness and acceptance is desirable I think we are some way off from actually achieving this. It's great to hear that your DS is thriving in his new school :)

FWIW I was once in hospital having complicated surgery and afterwards was on a ward with 5 other ladies who were all in their 70s. One of the auxilliaries had a real lack of empathy for the patients and was very rough in her treatment of one lady who had major surgery, and shouted at her for blaspheming when she said 'Oh God that hurts'. I complained as I felt she had done nothing to deserve this and the nurse manager interviewed all of us- it turns out she had been less than professional with the other ladies too, but they were to weak and frightened to complain. The auxilliary was move to 'more appropriate duties' as there had been previous complaints, and the nurses were pleased a patient had complained. I suppose it's just about speaking up for those who need it.

It is official, I'm turning into my gran whoisverynosey never let's an opportunity to speak up pass her by :o

OP posts:
Original poster
roomonthebroom · 07/12/2010 17:09

Don't know what happened to my 'striking out' in the last post.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 07/12/2010 18:53

Well done!Grin
As a Ward Manager I agree whole-heartedly with your analogy above. I need people to speak out if there is any bad practice so I can deal with it. A good headteacher will feel the same.