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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish or deserved?

43 replies

carocaro · 06/12/2010 10:29

We are very tight in the cash department at the moment.

DH went out for 'a drink' with friends and spent £40. I have turned down every night out for the last six months if not more, keeping the cash for Christmas and the house stuff.

We all need a night out now and then, but I am pissed off at this unspoken one rule for him and one rule for me. He is working, albeit 2-3 days a week doing some consultancy due to redundancy and he see's that he very much deserves a night out.

Just feeling like an upaid and unappreciated dirtbag at present.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 06/12/2010 10:31

And you don't? So everything you do for the family counts for nothing in his eyes?

No. Not fair at all. I can totally understand needing a night out - you both do!

That £40 could have got you a few drinks together. He was being utterly selfish.

pjmama · 06/12/2010 10:32

Who made the rules? Did you both agree to forgo nights out in favour of saving money? If so, then he's out of order to go against that without agreeing it with you first. If it's just and unspoken assumption, then I'd book your night out (fair's fair) and then agree with him what you're going to do about things like this going forward.

Original poster
carocaro · 06/12/2010 10:35

He just shrugs at me when we talk about it.

OP posts:
HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 06/12/2010 10:36

Have you said to him "I assume I am free to take £40 for myself too then?"

His reply would be interesting.

notalone · 06/12/2010 10:37

YANBU - he was selfish. If there was £40 spare for a night out and he was desperate for his with friends, then he could have given you £20 and had £20 himself. £20 for drinks, I feel is quite a bit. He must have been pretty drunk if he spent the whole £40.

pjmama · 06/12/2010 10:38

Well if he won't discuss it like a grown up, then he won't have a leg to stand on when you take £40 and spend it on something nice for yourself. Or alternatively tell him you hope he had a nice evening, because that £40 was his Xmas present.

ChippingIn · 06/12/2010 10:41

I would be really pissed off and we'd be having words about priorities etc. However, I would be much more pissed off about him 'shrugging' and would probably have hit him over the head with the nearest heavy object. I cannot abide people 'shrugging' like that..........it is so arrogant and fucking annoying.

You shouldn't need to agree to forgo nights out etc, it must be pretty bloody clear that you don't have 'going out' money.

Fibilou · 06/12/2010 10:49

"unspoken one rule for him and one rule for me. "

Maybe this is the problem. Have you actually discussed not having nights out ? Because if you're just turning down nights out without making a point of it and he's not aware of it, he won't think it's an issue. Has he actually said that you can't go out but he can ?

I do tire of the general opinion on here that all men are abusive, controlling chauvinists - most of them just are not equipped to read our more subtle signals and messages. If I infer something to DH there is no chance he will pick it up - he needs clear and simple instructions.

If you have stopped spending money, assumed he would do the same and have now got the huff because he's spent money without even talking about it YABU.

If, however, this was agreed and he says you cannot do the same then YANBU

Fibilou · 06/12/2010 10:51

you don't mention if you have any children ?

FellatioNelson · 06/12/2010 10:54

It depends. If he has categorically told you you cannot spend any money on yourself then he is being unreasonable. If he hasn't had a night out for ages and he would not object to you doing the same, then he is not being unreasonable. Maybe his priorities are a little off, depending on how broke you really - but he clearly is just not such a martyr as you, rightly or wrongly.

hairyfairylights · 06/12/2010 10:56

You've already said it was an 'unspoken' rule. Therein lies the problem. You need to talk!

SantasENormaSnob · 06/12/2010 11:01

Agree with others.

It's all in the communication.

Although I would be pissed off if dh knew we were saving and going without in order to do so, then he blew 40 quid on drinks.

Original poster
carocaro · 06/12/2010 14:52

I meant unspoken as we literally don't have any money for things like that at the moment, due to his redundancy last year. I am flogging all we have on ebay to get something for the our two boys this Christmas.

We have not actually said that WE CANT GO OUT to each other, it'sd more the fact that there is no spare cash for bills. Him spending £40 has meant the food/utility/christmas pot has been squeezed yet again.

I just can't beleive his is that thick that he needs it SPELLING OUT? Yes I get men do need lots of stuff clear and simple eg: take out the bin now please etcetc, but on this occasion I am his wife not his mother. Is a blatant fact that we cannot afford a night out together or on our own. I had told him that I have turned down all requests for nights out and how shit it is but it won't be like this forever etc etc etc.

He has zero empathy or understanding, not one ounce.

I think that is the key difference between some men/dads and women/mothers, we (mums) will always put the kids and family first and the option to FUCK IT and go and do something that we know will piss the other person off/have family consequences not being there. Whereas my DH has just totally demonstrated the seflish sefl centred twat clause.

I feel claustrophobic about not having my own cash and want to have my own money that I can do what I want with and that would include kids first. DS2 goes to school Spet 11 and I am working on a plan to get my own cash!!!

Thanks all, am still hurt and fuming but what is the point of talking to him again or blowing my top it makes no sodding difference.

OP posts:
ConstanceFelicity · 06/12/2010 14:56

In that case, YANBU.

ChippingIn · 06/12/2010 23:24

((HUG))

It really is shit when you get to the stage where you think 'What's the point, it makes no difference' :(

How would her react if you actually showed him some things (in a catalogue or whaever), preferably toys for the boys, and said that is what that £40 was going to be spent on. Do you not see you have taken that away from the boys by being so selfish?

curlymama · 06/12/2010 23:31

YANBU, but you do need to be able to talk to him about this. He probably knows he's been U, and he will shrug because he doesn't want to say the words 'I was selfish and wrong'

Take £40 away yourself, and when you can't afford something, which will probably happen fairly soon, produce it and say 'well we could use this money, but I was going to spend it on getting my nails done and going out with the girls'. He will get the point, and not do it again. Which is all you need to focus on for now, as his £40 is already spent and gone. It's not healthy to punish him, he just needs to realise his error and not put you in this position again.

booyhohoho · 06/12/2010 23:37

but if there literally wasn't £40 to spare, where did he get it from? did he take money from the essentials budget to go out? if he did he sounds incredibly selfish. if i were you i would leave him in charge of paying all bills and buying groceries and xmas presents so he could actually see where the £40 would have gone.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 06/12/2010 23:43

Selfish. If you had both agreed that you both needed to have a chill out and spend twenty quid each then fair enough.
It's difficult because I know you won't piss forty quid up the wall for the sake of being even.
My DP although very lovely in every other way does this- spent 200 quid on a gadget before my birthday, then told me he couldn't afford a big present for me grrr! Hope you're ok anyway :)

StuffingGoldBrass · 07/12/2010 00:37

Do you mean his having spent £40 means you now can't pay the gas bill, or that you will be short of food? If so then you need a serious talk with him because spending money on himself when that means his family going without essentials is dreadful behaviour.

MadamDeathstare · 07/12/2010 01:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onceamai · 07/12/2010 06:30

At risk of being flamed the bit I don't get is that although he was made redundant he is still doing 2-3 days per week consultancy so he is actually the one bringing some money into the house. It's brutalising to be made redundant and perhaps he actually needed a night out, not least because often job opportunities come up as a result of a drink with a few mates and a quick word here and a recommendation there. I think you are being unreasonable actually. If he's working 2-3 days per week that's 3-4 days when he could be available for childcare. It's the run up to Christmas and if cash is that tight why on earth do you have to wait until Sept 11 to try to get some paid work? If you want some cash, then make some effort to go and earn some - even if it's taking in ironing or doing some cleaning.

SonicMiddleAge · 07/12/2010 07:09

Agree - if cash is that tight that you're selling stuff have you looked into casual work yourself? There's always stuff around that this time of year.

FellatioNelson · 07/12/2010 09:38

I agree with onceamai, about the need to go out once in a while and network and feel 'normal' again, and remind people you haven;t dropped off the face of the earth. If he's been the main/only breadwinner he could get very depressed if he doesn't feel he's part of a working community any longer.

thesecondcoming · 07/12/2010 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
carocaro · 07/12/2010 11:22

I have tried to get a job, but with a pre-schooler and DH's work being ad hoc here and there eg: he was away last week for two nights, then worked different days last week. So it's not regular days where I coulg get a job that fits 9.15 - 2.50pm when DS2 is at pre-school.

It annoys me when people think it's that easy (onceamia!) to go go get a suitbale little part time flexible like cleaning or ironing, like they are just sat there for the taking. I have been everywhere local as we only have one car and can't go further afield as public transport = one train an hour into Manchester.

And he is working 2-3 days a week and is networking then! Plus he has not actually been paid for that work yet, apparently "the money is coming"

I love the way it's now my fault he's depressed and forelorn and because I can't just pick a job of a tree - FUCKING MARVELLOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
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