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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to make ex have supervised contact

39 replies

toody · 05/12/2010 23:14

The last two times son 2yrs next week has seen dad he has come home saying mummy die, i know at his age language can be misunderstood but after two visits seems coincidence saying same. Not spoken to ex yet decided to see if it happens after next visit if it does want to tell ex he cannot see son unless i am there is this unrasonable

OP posts:

A1980 · 05/12/2010 23:19

It's been a while since I did family law a trainee solicitor but I still remember the basics.

YABU. Unless the child is at risk in his care, you have no grounds to insist on supervised contact.

Sorry! He's not even two yet. Are you sure he's isn't mixing his words up?

Original poster

toody · 05/12/2010 23:23

If it had only happened once i would have let it go other family members heard it and thought the same i decided to see if it happens again before acting as i am well aware that son could be mixing words up.

OP posts:

A1980 · 05/12/2010 23:48

Even if he says it again, there are no grounds to insist on supervised contact.

portaloo · 05/12/2010 23:49

toody Does your XP already have a contact order in place that is NOT supervised, or has this not gone through court?

If it has gone through court, how long has it been in place?

Lonnie · 05/12/2010 23:50

so if he goes to his father and says daddy die then he can insist on him being handed over?

He is 2 YABU speak to your x communicate with him and honestly I would be thinking he was trying to say " mummy bye"

Original poster

toody · 06/12/2010 00:01

It has not gone through court we made arrangements ourselves, i have spoken at length on forum how ex is uncaring towards son so i know i look for problems but it was horrible and upsetting to hear it. I sometimes think i am too soft with ex my partners ex will suddenly say he cant see child and there is nothing he can do about it but as soon as i say i dont want ex to have more contact i am critisised even though to date i haven't stopped him seeing son

OP posts:

AphraBen · 06/12/2010 00:03

This doesn't warrant supervised contact, but I am sorry that its stressful and upsetting for you...

SuperTheoryofSuperEverything · 06/12/2010 00:04

This does not warrant supervision and you'd have real trouble trying to enorce it.
,
Is it a recent split

portaloo · 06/12/2010 00:07

I only know that if XP has had unsupervised access in place, it is very difficult to change it to supervised without very good reason.

When you say 'supervised', do you mean a mutual third party will be present? Or do you mean at a contact centre?
If you can get your XP to agree to having a third party present who you both agree on, I can't see the problem tbh.

perfectstorm · 06/12/2010 00:07

YABVU. 2 year olds say all kinds of random things - you can't begin to place credence on something that random. Your son is not your property, and has a right to a relationship with his father. Your partner's ex is an utter cow and it is awful that she is damaging and abusing her own child to get at her ex, what a shocking parent that makes her - you are not "too soft" to want your son to have a relationship with his father, you're doing your job as his mother.

If there are serious underlying concerns that's one thing, and a very different one - but if this is the sole grounds, then you need to accept that your son and his father have a relationship of their own that deserves to be respected and nourished, for your child's sake. His father is one of the most important people in his life - how can you be so casual about snatching that away from him?

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 06/12/2010 00:10

On it's own it doesn't sound like much and although it must be upsetting for you, there are lots of possible explanations. If there are other reasons you are concerned for your child while with his dad, maybe that would be more of a reason to push for supervised contact?

I sympathise as my ex is a nightmare with DS (and worse things have happened TBH) but without any proof of anything it's just your word against his. On the one hand I have people saying that DS would be better off without an influence like XP in his life, and to an extent I agree, but at the end of the day he is his Dad and DS seems happy to go there. He isn't in any immediate danger from him, so however XP acts while he's there is up to him, really. You can't just cut contact because you don't like the way he parents etc.

If your partner's ex is withholding contact for no reason there is something he can do - he can go to court over it. That's up to him though really and what his ex-partner does isn't really relevant to this situation, no matter how frustrating it might be!

Original poster

toody · 06/12/2010 00:11

Split 8mths I guess i know doesn't warrant supervised contact just having a rant get so frustrated because ex never been interested in son since he was born even when we were together didn't want anything to do with him.

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 06/12/2010 00:11

BTW my son is a month older than yours and insisted that his grandmother dies things in the dier on a regular basis until very recently. He had trouble with the r.

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 06/12/2010 00:16

That is sad for your DS :( I guess that as he gets older your XP will likely lose interest and start to see him less and less. I'd keep the opportunity for contact available but don't pander to him or force him to come. XP had DS today but hadn't had him for 3 weeks before that. Speaking to my own Mum, my Dad was the same - I still see him now but I don't really have much respect for him and it's always kind of awkward when we meet because it's just really obvious that we don't know each other very well. I hardly know a thing about him and he hardly knows a thing about me, or my sister. My Mum never withheld any contact, he just stopped seeing us so often of his own accord. It's his own fault he has a non-existent relationship with us really. I don't feel that he influences my life at all now.

SuperTheoryofSuperEverything · 06/12/2010 00:17

Children react very unpredictably to a break up, it could have nothing to do with your ex.

My DD for example told my mother she wanted to kill her on the last contact weekend.

It's hard for everyone involved.

Original poster

toody · 06/12/2010 00:31

I always get critisised on here for saying ex not a good dad and i wish he didn't see son.I haven't stopped him i take him to ex's mums which is where he wants to see son, couldn't cope on his own,I agreed to increase contact time allthough i know this was what ex's mum wanted not ex. I hate son being there with a dad who rarely plays with him or wants anything to do with him.Example of how little he cares i was going to take son to ex house trick or treat as a surprise asked ex for address he wont give it to me, eventually told him the surprise i planned his reply why would i want to see him then i will have seen him the day before, sons birthday next week asked ex was he going to come to see him on birthday no i will be seeing him next day.

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 06/12/2010 00:37

I do sympathise over your ex being a tool. It's horrible, and handing your son over to someone you dislike is awful. But the thing is, a not very good dad is a damn sight better for your son's self-worth than his dad not bothering with him at all. And the fact is, you had a child with him and your son needs to have a relationship with his father unless it is actually dangerous for him not to. And I think a lot of women do struggle with the idea that they don't have the right to interfere with that relationship at will. It happens all the time and IMO is very, very wrong. The adult relationship is not the child's problem. Or should not be.

Incidentally my DH was awful at the baby stage. Didn't care at all. It broke my heart to see him so disinterested. As soon as DS started to play and talk more, he was brilliant with him. So it may be that they get on far better now than you think.

I'm afraid he may not want to see your DS in your company. That's pretty much the link in what you've said there. If he is seeing him on a very regular basis then it doesn't sound to me like he doesn't care. Toddlers are hard work, after all.

I'm shocked you don't have his address though. I'd not allow my son to go to an unknown address, and presumably he has yours.

Original poster

toody · 06/12/2010 00:55

He doesn't go to unknown address goes to my exes mums house i drop him off there as ex couldn't cope on his own. Didn't want to come to A & E few weeks ago when son admitted for dangerously high temp. Can't help hoping others on here are right and eventually ex will get fed up and stop contact himself i would never actually do that but would love him to.

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 06/12/2010 01:00

Oh dear. Yeah, that sounds bad. I'm presuming you do trust his mother, though? And she does love him? Maybe invite her to his birthday, if you've not. She might be happy about it and that positive link to the father's side of the family is at least something.

Sorry to have been so unsympathetic, but an awful lot of women (your DP's ex for one) abuse their control, and it makes me cross because the child suffers. I appreciate your position is hard but I do think you're doing the best by your son. FWIW my father is a nightmare and as an adult I decided to bin him - but I am so grateful that my mum put so much effort into fostering the relationship so I was able to decide that as an adult, rather than be a rejected small child. I don't think someone needs to be a great parent to be of value. I think you sometimes need to know where you came from, even if you aren't very impressed by it!

Original poster

toody · 06/12/2010 01:07

I know it makes me sound awful but ex is a bully and i like that i can decide how often he sees son, he wouldn't go to court wouldn't want to spend money, money is his God and not to be spent.I wouldn't stop him seeing him but it's kind of nice knowing i have that "power" even though i'll never use it

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 06/12/2010 01:15

I understand that. It makes you feel you have a measure of control over the situation, right? I have appalling morning sickness when pregnant, and just having the medication in the house means I can cope - I never take it, but having the escape route somehow makes it more bearable. It means I feel I have a bit of control. So yeah, I understand that. It's human, and harmless as long as you recognise that it's not a power you can use without damaging your child more than your ex.

ChippingIn · 06/12/2010 02:56

I think that now you have name changed and people are only getting a part of the story it will seem unreasonable and you will be seen as controlling.

Frankly, with your ex, I would just move away. It wouldn't need to be far, he's far too much of a lazy cunt person to bother to come and collect DS. You know it's his Gran that really wants him anyway, not his dad :(

ChippingIn · 06/12/2010 03:02

Oh and I didn't mean 'you've namechanged' in a bad way, just that your story isn't as well known under this name or at least I remember your threads/posts/story but not so much your posting name....

Will go and untwist myself now.....

pleasechange · 06/12/2010 08:15

"i like that i can decide how often he sees son"

I'm sorry but your statement above is very telling. I have a 2.5yo DS and he says all sorts of bizarre things all the time. Leaves out consonants, mishears words and says them wrong etc etc.

cory · 06/12/2010 08:31

I realise there is a lot of back history here, so it is difficult to make a proper judgment. Without the back history, noone with experience of 2yos would draw any conclusions from a phrase like that (my own 2yo very charmingly pointed out that she wouldn't need my love when she was grown up because I'd be dead then). However, you do have the back history and obviously interpret everything that happens in that light. So we can't really advise.

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