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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not invite this relative to my house for Christmas Day?

41 replies

taintedsnow · 04/12/2010 19:17

I have one in particular. A cousin. We'll call her Louise (though that is not her name).

Louise is one of those people who makes me repeatedly come out with the phrase 'well, you can't choose your family'. She is quite rude, you have to work really hard to have a conversation with her and always have to bite your tongue. She asks to borrow money with no intention of paying it back, she hints around at unreasonable favours, her priorities are riduculously screwy. She is also committing benefit fraud. At times she makes my blood boil.

She is now hinting around for an invite at Christmas. At the moment, it's subtle (though I can see through the smoke as I'm so used to her ways), but I can see it's going to get worse over the next couple of weeks. She has mentioned how we have DCs close in age and how they can play together on the day (this part does sound reasonable, though I don't want to force DN into a high energy day when he might not want it). In reality, this will mean me running around after Louise and her DD all day, with Louise doing nothing. She will be wanting to come to me solely so she can drink and eat for free, knowing that I can't drink because I'm pregnant.

WIBU to say no to her coming to me? The drawbacks of having her there, aside from the above, are that this is mine and DN's first Christmas together and I want to be able to focus on him, not run around after a selfish relative who will not contribute practically or financially to the day. I would actually prefer a rather lowkey day for DN, as I'm not sure how he will feel (although seems to be excited at the moment :)).

I don't think IABU, but I want to know if I am before I am actually confronted with the direct question. I've tried to give as much information as possible so as not to make an AIBU by stealth, but for another Louise incident, this AIBU thread was also about her.

Btw, almost posted this in Chat but I'd rather get the ballbuster opinions!

OP posts:
BearCrimble · 04/12/2010 19:20

You don't need any excuses, just say "we are having a quiet family Christmas" - but if you want to you can say you're not feeling up to guests because of the pregnancy.

YANBU at all.

Eglu · 04/12/2010 19:27

YANBU! Agree with BearCrimbles suggestion of a quiet Christmas.

MyBoyJakey · 04/12/2010 19:28

YANBU

DrSeuss · 04/12/2010 19:30

YANBU at all. Let the silly cow stay at home and look after herself. You, your family and your unborn child do not need the stress. Do not feel guilty. She has done this to herself.

ItalianLady · 04/12/2010 19:30

If you say you are having a quiet family Christmas she might say but I am family.

Timbachick · 04/12/2010 19:34

You don't owe anyone any explanations regarding your decisions. Make it clear that you are having a quiet, intimate Christmas. If necessary say, firmly, that you are not up to running around after others due to your pregnancy.

Prior to DS being born my DH and I were happy to run around to parents and in-laws each year, grabbing the odd Christmas Day alone every now and then. When DS was born I made it clear, in a very nice way, that we would now have Christmas at our house as I didn't think it nice for DS to open Christmas presents and then have to spend the large portion of the day somewhere else. I always made sure that everyone knew that I was happy for them to come over but that I would not be transplanting DS anywhere on Christmas Day.

Be firm. Don't make her guilt you over this - it is your right to have the Christmas you want.

Good luck.

taintedsnow · 04/12/2010 19:35

Thanks for all the replies. :)

I keep thinking I'm being selfish, her DD can be very sweet and I think a lot of her, but the mother....oh my. I just don't know if I can handle her atm. I think I might blow my top if she was being a PITA on the day. Which I think she will be, given the history.

My mum will be coming to see DN open his presents in the morning, and one of my siblings will be coming at bedtime. This is enough for me and I think it will be enough for DN. I just do worry a bit that Louise will think I'm being a bitch because I've got other family coming. My mum can be difficult, but she and the visiting sibling are much close to DN than Louise is and he will love seeing them on the day.

OP posts:
MrManager · 04/12/2010 19:38

YANBU

But bear in mind this will be the first shot fired in a drawn-out family feud.

DrSeuss · 04/12/2010 19:39

YOU ARE PREGNANT! YOU COME FIRST, JUST THIS ONCE!

taintedsnow · 04/12/2010 19:40

I don't think it will cause a family feud as such, just have her off in a strop for a while until the next time she wants something from me. My whole family know what she's like, even her siblings.

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 04/12/2010 19:41

YANBU. Just don't ask her! Refuse to take any hints at all, and if she asks outright, just laugh and say "Oh- sorry, I thought I'd told everyone we were being very low-key this year. Won't be much of a party, what with me so tired and pregnant and not able to drink.."

CrazyChristmasLady · 04/12/2010 19:42

YANBU. You shouldn't have anyone over if you don't want them. Let her hint all she likes. Completely ignore her hints and hopefully she will get the message.

If she asks outright, say you are not entertaining at Christmas this year and leave it at that.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 04/12/2010 19:44

Her DD may be sweet, but she comes with the baggage of her mother.

You don't want her there? don't have her there.
You don't have to have anyone there you don't want.

We are having a low key christmas.

You have taken on your DN, you are about to be a mum of your own DC.

Part of being a mum is learning to protect your family. That starts now.

Put your foot down!

CarGirl · 04/12/2010 19:50

Next time she hints why don't you just be blunt/sarcastic "Hope your not hinting to come here for Christmas because the answers no" Sooner you say it the sooner she'll strop off and leave you to it the better Wink

taintedsnow · 04/12/2010 19:59

Does it look weird if I say I just want a quiet Christmas if I have people here in the morning and evening?

I'm happy (now you lot have said IANBU!) to say the line about keeping it quiet, but I'm not sure if she's going to see that as a contradiction.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 04/12/2010 20:01

Don't justify it, just say no.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 04/12/2010 20:08

Why do you care if she thinks you are a bitch, she is clearly a freeloading, lazy cow, so her opinion ought not to matter!
Ignore her hints, blatent or otherwise.

anonymousbird · 04/12/2010 20:09

YANBU.
There are no obligations, especially for freeloaders.
You are pregnant.

Even if none of the above applied do EXACTLY what YOU WANT TO DO.

And do not feel guilty/bad/like YABU cos you are not.

At a push (but I wouldn't) can you have her for a drink in the morning or something?

Lose no sleep over it, for sure!

Diamondback · 04/12/2010 20:11

Of course, if she comes right out and asks, you could always say - 'That'd be brilliant! I'm so knackered with the pregnancy it'll be great to have someone to cook the dinner and clean up after and give me some time to play with DN. Can I have your £50 towards food now, or will you give it to me tomorrow? BTW, I'm not having any drink in the house, cause I expect my guests to be sympathetic while I'm up the duff.'

Grin
CarGirl · 04/12/2010 20:13

Why don't you pre-empt her and invite yourselves over to hers for Boxing Day Grin

Cumbrian07 · 04/12/2010 20:17

Sorry to be thick but what does DN stand for?

DrSeuss · 04/12/2010 20:18

Diamondback-you are my god!

taintedsnow · 04/12/2010 20:21

Ooh, thank you all for the posts. Diamondback, I am especially in awe of you right now, I wish I could be ballsy enough to say that!

DN (in this case) is my nephew ( Dear Nephew ).

OP posts:
pigletmania · 04/12/2010 20:22

You sound too nice, you dont owe her anything! Just what kara has said, just ignore her stupid hints, so what if you offend her shes not particularly close.

Kewcumber · 04/12/2010 20:25

if you'd like your DC's to play then say to her "oh what a good idea we can pop over and see you 3-4pm (or whatever hour is appropriate) - would you like us to bring anything? No need to do food we are already sorted for lunch and tea".

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