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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not invite this relative to my house for Christmas Day?

41 replies

taintedsnow · 04/12/2010 19:17

I have one in particular. A cousin. We'll call her Louise (though that is not her name).

Louise is one of those people who makes me repeatedly come out with the phrase 'well, you can't choose your family'. She is quite rude, you have to work really hard to have a conversation with her and always have to bite your tongue. She asks to borrow money with no intention of paying it back, she hints around at unreasonable favours, her priorities are riduculously screwy. She is also committing benefit fraud. At times she makes my blood boil.

She is now hinting around for an invite at Christmas. At the moment, it's subtle (though I can see through the smoke as I'm so used to her ways), but I can see it's going to get worse over the next couple of weeks. She has mentioned how we have DCs close in age and how they can play together on the day (this part does sound reasonable, though I don't want to force DN into a high energy day when he might not want it). In reality, this will mean me running around after Louise and her DD all day, with Louise doing nothing. She will be wanting to come to me solely so she can drink and eat for free, knowing that I can't drink because I'm pregnant.

WIBU to say no to her coming to me? The drawbacks of having her there, aside from the above, are that this is mine and DN's first Christmas together and I want to be able to focus on him, not run around after a selfish relative who will not contribute practically or financially to the day. I would actually prefer a rather lowkey day for DN, as I'm not sure how he will feel (although seems to be excited at the moment :)).

I don't think IABU, but I want to know if I am before I am actually confronted with the direct question. I've tried to give as much information as possible so as not to make an AIBU by stealth, but for another Louise incident, this AIBU thread was also about her.

Btw, almost posted this in Chat but I'd rather get the ballbuster opinions!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 04/12/2010 20:26

sorry - kinds similar to diamond!

taintedsnow · 04/12/2010 20:28

The children are not especially close, but I do concede the point about them playing together. Going to her house for an hour could be an option. If she actually wanted to see us, offering her that as a compromise should out her true intentions, right?

OP posts:
FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe · 04/12/2010 20:31

Good grief tainted - after the nightmare you had the other week beig left with your friend's baby, you reeeeally need to say no to people and put yourself and DN first! Starting now.

If she's not asked outright then just don't mention it. Don't say 'family Xmas' as she will just say that she's family. Maybe just make a big thing about how you are looking forward to just being you and DN.

I don't get why she wants to go to yours anyway doesn't she have closer family or friends to be with?

MsKalo · 04/12/2010 20:33

Why are you so worried about what she will say? Stop lettin people manipulate you and say no!

FakePlasticTrees · 04/12/2010 20:35

Just pretend you don't get her hinting. Perhaps say "I'm really looking foward to it just being me, DP and DN this year." or, could you suggest having her DD over to play between christmas and new year so she can go to the sales?

newwave · 04/12/2010 20:35

Ignore the hints you never know she may decide never to speak to you again a win, win situation

taintedsnow · 04/12/2010 20:41

I'm a soft touch, I know it. This is why she wants to come to me or borrow from me etc, because she thinks/knows she can manipulate me.

I do need to stand up for myself, I know it. I definitely won't have her over for Christmas Day, it's been a unanimous verdict on that one hasn't it?

Thank you all for your replies. This is why I love MN, you'll kick my ass if I need it, but you'll all give me much needed support as well. Xmas Smile

OP posts:
KaraStarbuckThrace · 04/12/2010 20:56

Be strong - just because she is related you doesn't me you are obligated to her!

FetchezLaVache · 05/12/2010 16:11

tainted, you're too nice!! I hope there are plenty of people in you RL who appreciate you and don't take advantage of you.

Glad you won't have Louise for Christmas. Better have a run-through of what you'll say in the event that she moves from hinting to asking outright (and it sounds like she is cheeky enough to do so): Really sorry, Louise, but this'll be our only ever Christmas with just DN and we really want to make it all about him this year.

You can use the people popping in to your advantage- that will make you more tired, as you are pregnant, and therefore less likely to want her and her DD around for the meal.

MadamDeathstare · 05/12/2010 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OmniaParatus · 05/12/2010 16:25

Be strong. My sister let my niece invite herself and her alcoholic mother to Christmas, we have had to change our plans and now are going to my sister's when I am 6 months pg with a 3 and 22 month old, and taking dinner as sis is working and won't get the chance to cook.

It is going to be miserable Christmas instead of a fun one. To make it worse my difficult sister's druggie DD invited her and her other DD to her house, so if my sister had not caved in so quickly Christmas would be saved. I love my DN and understand why my sister said yes, but it makes everyone else's day worse.

Think of your DN, it is his first Christmas with you so he comes first. Don't let anyone ruin it for him or for you. Ignore all hints and if she asks directly say no. Just say it isn't convenient, you do not have to justify yourself, only a selfish person would want a pg person to run around after them at Christmas.

frgr · 05/12/2010 16:25

YANBU. you're not obligated to have her over just because she wants to.

have the day as you want it. no excuses needed IMHO, although i do realise people such as her might need them to take the hint (or may ask directly why they're not invited), in which case you can lie (plenty of excuses already provided in this thread) or you can take the bull by the horns and say as politely as you can "because i don't want to" with a shrug.

it's very refreshing to do the last thing, btw. but you need to have a rather thick skin for it :) (i started using this tactic some time ago with horrid relatives, not re: christmas, but i'm very glad i did. i'm now known as the rude one to certain toxic inlaws though, so... )

taintedsnow · 05/12/2010 16:26

A massive, massive thank you to everyone who has responded to this and said nice things about me, I really appreciate it and it's nice to know I'm not a horrible person (at least in the eyes of MN, since I'm sure I will be with Louise!).

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 05/12/2010 17:19

Yanbu at all.

Say no, tough shit if she sulks.

activate · 05/12/2010 17:22

next hint she makes say "Oh it's really sweet of you to want to invite us round for Christmas, but I'm afraid we've decided on a quiet family-only day, maybe some other time?"

BootyMum · 05/12/2010 18:40

Agree with all the posters who said don't justify yourself, just say sorry but it's not possible to have any more people over this Christmas. Let the lazy freeloader sort herself out. If you act like a doormat people like this will treat you as one, it's something I only learnt with bitter experience...
You have a responsibility and duty to yourself, your partner, DN and unborn baby to make Christmas as enjoyable and stressfree as possible. I think having Louise there will only make you agitated, irritated and anxious. And that sort of atmosphere is not good for anyone!
Be good to yourself and have a lovely Christmas day!

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