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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I ,ds had a friend to play the Mum was late

76 replies

ChillyCinders · 01/12/2010 07:39

and on leaving got out her diary to book
her ds into come and play when she is working

I used to be a nanny
this feels now like work,,

is she being cheeky or am I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChillyCinders · 01/12/2010 17:30

yes

she invited her ds to my ds

well

tis a lesson learned

maybe I will get a free haircut sometime ..
Smileas that is her job

well
thank you all

OP posts:
plupervert · 01/12/2010 19:54

This is shocking stuff. I am a SAHM/WAHM, and hardly ever get asked to babysit. You see, there are sensitive and scrupulous people around!

huffythethreadslayer · 01/12/2010 20:05

I had a child who came to play and was here for 5 hours. Her mum rang at end of the day and asked me to drop the child back home, which is a fair walk from here through deep snow. I offered to meet her half way and surprise surprise she wasn't there.

I had to take the child to her door and found her mum wasn't in. She had gone off to find a lost lunchbox, allegedly, only calling my DH at home when she knew I'd be gone.

I knew from the minute she asked for the home delivery I was due for a long night and I would not be met half way.

Some people are so, ludicrously cheeky. I know she's struggling for Childcare tomorrow but I won't be offering to help. Some people just like to take the piss and are really, really good at it. You are not being unreasonable at all.

sunshineriver · 01/12/2010 20:13

I suppose that it didn't cross your mind that on the days that she isn't working, she likes to spend as much time with her DS as possible and thought that if you are going to have him at your house, it may as well be when she's at work save her missing out on seeing him.

I know that if I worked after school, that I'd do the same if I could.

rockinhippy · 01/12/2010 20:24

Nip it in the bud double quick, we had one of these P' takers when DD was @ Nursery Hmm

even had the cheeky mare turn up on my doorstep with her sick Dd who had been sent home from School with sickness & diarreah....because she "had a meeting" Shock.....I might of been more helpful if she wasn't such a blatant p' taker Angry ....

sadly as it was DDs "best friend" for a while & her Dd was sweet, so I accepted more than I should for DDs sake.....every time her DD came over, she was late.....always then promised my DD to her face that she could come to theirs on XX day....without checking first if I was okay with that Hmm ....& then ALWAYS canceled, leaving my DD distraught, so we ended up having hers instead Hmm.

the ONLY time Dd ever did get to visit their house, DD herself spotted photos of a Birthday party.....she HADN"T been invited too......same week this awful woman referred to DH as " what more can you want from childcare" when he offered to drop her a coffee

so yes there ARE some blatant p' takers out there who DO see SAHM as free childcare & will happily take the P' as long as they can get away with it & sadly they spoil it for others :( ......I wouldn't mind, but I was working from home at the time Hmm

so from ME be wary, & put your foot down

Original poster
ChillyCinders · 01/12/2010 20:26

but

I did not invite him for a future time
she booked him in using her diary Confused

Im sure she loves spending time with him

but
well just but

OP posts:
ChilledChick2 · 01/12/2010 20:41

Tell her that that particular date isn't suitable and that you'll have her LO round another at another date.

You don't have to justify your reasons to your friend, besides, her childcare (as with any parent) is her problem, not yours.

FakePlasticTrees · 01/12/2010 20:45

Yes, call her and say it doesn't work any more, but give her a list of dates that do work.

She needs to discover you aren't free childcare. She won't if you go along with this.

colditz · 01/12/2010 20:50

With non-picking-up-children piss-takers, the ones who are more than 2 hours late to collect their offspring, what you do is this. You go non-contact.

Take all the children OUT for 2 hours. Even if just to soft play, or macdonalds, or your mother's. Don't be at home and switch the phone off. Make the selfish bitch SHIT herself about where the hell her child is.

Switch your phone back on when you get back in. Lie and say you had an appointment (and no, it doesn't matter if the child grasses you up, that is rather the point - that you WON'T trash your evening for their selfish behavior!)

TheCrackFox · 01/12/2010 21:02

I like your style Colditz.

FattyArbuckel · 01/12/2010 21:04

It's very rude to tell someone else when you child will be going to play at their house.

Don't let anyone tell you what time their kid is going to yours. Just say "I'm not sure what I'm doing that day." invite the child as and when it suits YOU!

Obviously there are some mums who do reciprocal favours which is great, but beware of being used - I am happy to have kids over without any return hospitality, but only on my own terms.

Iwasthefourthwiseman · 01/12/2010 21:08

It doesn't matter what this woman is doing during the play date but the difference between a playdate & babysitting is that the latter is a responsibility and you would avoid trying to let them down. With a playdate you don't want to feel bad if you have cancel for some reason.

Either way sounds like the manner in which this mum did it which is the problem & no return visit mentioned.

Acanthus · 01/12/2010 21:09

Why don't you just text to cancel the new date?

Tryharder · 01/12/2010 21:22

This is WOHM-bashing by stealth.

mumbar · 01/12/2010 21:23

Oh I really need to change my attitude as a WOHM and con SAHM to look after my DS instead of paying childcare. Shock Grin Wink.

Do people really do this? DS had his first playdate 2 weeks ago, another child from ASC who I collected with DS. Her mum works later than me and when I dropped her home mum said she would recipricate one day in New Year as my DS and her DD had already planned the next one at mine. Grin.

I told her its was fine - no need for tit for tat.

TBH I would be pissed off if I was a SAHM and people did this to me - its the presumption you don't have plans that would piss me off the most. Xmas Angry

PinkElephantsOnParade · 01/12/2010 21:26

Not really, Tryharder, as SAHMs do this as well.

Yes, mumbar, people really do this.

mumbar · 01/12/2010 21:39

Shock. I help my friend who is a teacher out on parents eve etc by collecting her dc's from CM, but they have had dinner and I simply give hot choc and biscuits, bath and pjs just as I am with my DS at that time and she takes them home for bed.

It is once a term, and she is ssssooo grateful that it really is not a problem. I couldn't imagine just asking someone to do my job for my child because I can.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/12/2010 21:45

colditz Xmas Grin

i have mums who have tried to do this to me but i wont allow it

when they say can their dc come for a play again on xxx date i say , fab, let me check what time i can drop my dc to you and what time shall i pick up?

the parents then blushs and says oh, im working that day and i immed say,so you wanted free childcare ......

if you had asked me and been honest i would have said no problem .....

db was about one day and overheard and said, sure blonds would be happy to help, im assuming you will be paying her as you need childcare and not just a playdate - go db Xmas Smile

there was a friend of dc1 who always came to us and always asked at school when she could come, and as her mum never returned the favour, i kept saying no

am i mean?

basically you need balls and say no or arrange a playdate to them asap

scottishmummy · 01/12/2010 22:00

play together is time limited eg 2-3hr with boundaries and parameters
1.agree times

  1. venue
  2. broad times range
  3. and reciprocate at my place if held at other mum house
  4. both parents present

amazed people take -piss-- impose like this

really to chance your arm by hoping for free childcare is cheeky

plupervert · 01/12/2010 22:11

Tryharder, it's not bashing anything and anyone but cheeky people who take advantage. There have been so many stories about unequal "playdate" relationships which are acknowledged and appreciated and dealt with sensitively by the one who is "in debt".

huffythethreadslayer · 01/12/2010 22:27

This thread is about people who take the piss. I am a WOHM, but I'm part time and at the moment, the woman I've had trouble with hasn't even thought about my needs and my work. She's just automatically assumed that her work comes first and because my DH can work from home that we can cover her childcare requirements.

That's not WOHM bashing. It's ignorant git bashing and I'll quite happily do that from now til Christmas. These buggers aren't the way they are because they work out of the home. They're the way they are because they're they don't consider anyone else's needs but their own.

coolascucumber · 01/12/2010 23:05

I worked full and part time with my 3 kids for 12 years, the last 18 months I have been at home without work.

I always paid a decent rate for friends to look after my children. Even if they offered for free I always insisted that I would rather give them something for their time as I wouldn't feel comfortable if I had to ask again as it would be taking the piss. They were happy to have a bit of extra money and I knew the kids were happy with their friends.

Guess what, now it's known I'm at home with the kids I have lots of new "friends". I hear all the time "Are you doing anything on ...." Lovely I think they're going to ask if I'd like to meet them for lunch or take the kids somewhere together. Not a bit of it. It's always a request for me to provide a whole day of childcare with barely a thanks at the end of the day. It really fucks me off. One mum asked me for about 10 days over the summer holidays.

Other times I've found out I'm looking after someone's kids and they've actually got home from work early, or their husband is at home and they haven't come straight to pick up their kids. It really fucks me off.

Original poster
ChillyCinders · 02/12/2010 09:14

I have had enough this week

friends are hopeless

OP posts:
FindingMyMojo · 02/12/2010 09:48

what difference does it make to you really, if the playdate (hateful word) is when she is at work or at home? As long as it's not a regular thing (ie in place of permanent childcare) and your child gets return invites to play at their house I really don't see what the big deal is?????

onceamai · 02/12/2010 10:25

I think she went about it the wrong way. Could you give her a call and really politely say that on this occasion you are happy to help her out if she needs some childcare when she goes to work and perhaps mention that you are also a qualified nanny and if she gets stuck in the future you would be happy to help and your rate per 1/2 day is x. It will get the message across politely that she overstepped the mark and could end up as a win win for both of you.

Make it clear that this wouldn't affect the boys' friendship and that reciprocal play dates are still on the cards.