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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I ,ds had a friend to play the Mum was late

76 replies

ChillyCinders · 01/12/2010 07:39

and on leaving got out her diary to book
her ds into come and play when she is working

I used to be a nanny
this feels now like work,,

is she being cheeky or am I mean.

OP posts:
spidookly · 01/12/2010 08:51

"As a working parent with totally inflexible hours, I have a very real understanding of how you don't exploit the goodwill of others."

:o

Well said.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 08:54

"I know some WOHMs have the attitude that SAHMs have nothing better to do than look after their Dcs."

Really?!

I find that so hard to imagine.

Looking after children while their mother works is a job. Why would you expect someone you know socially to do free work for you?

It would be like asking SAHMs to come over and clean your house whlie you were at work.

In fact that's a cracking idea - you could book in the "return match" playdate at your house, but then since you couldn't be there due to being at important work, the other mother would have to come, and you could leave her a little list of chores to be getting on with.

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 01/12/2010 08:59

"some" do think like that IME and are not able to mask it well enough that you would not notice spidookly. I know when my dd was in year 1 I spoke to the grandmother of a girl in my dd's class, she said her dd was a SAHM and was always being asked to pick up other dc after school, look after them in the afternoon, then sometimes she'd get a call asking if they could stay for tan evening meal becasue the mum was working late/had to go somewhere after work, and then another call to say, maybe she could lend them some pjs or soemthing and have them stay the night since it wouldn't be worth coming round to pick them up so late etc.

According to the grandmother, this went on all the time and her dd was getting worn out iwth it. She was a nice woman and was very welcoming, she told me when she grew up she never really had friends round so she wanted to make her place more of an open house for her dc's friends but other parents were really taking the piss.

PinkElephantsOnParade · 01/12/2010 09:00

spidookly - I agree it is an outrageous attitude, but I have come across it many times.

Friends who are SAHMs have told me thay have often had this attitude (not from me of course , I am an angel! Grin)

During a short period when I was not working I also had this happen to me.

Original poster
ChillyCinders · 01/12/2010 09:03

thank you all

okay

I shall make it a very boring playdate.

I want ds to have friends round

but I should do the inviting ...Confused
once I have a child in my home

of course the mum can do as she wishes

but ,,,Im a mug

Hard skin going on soon...

OP posts:
DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 01/12/2010 09:05

You'd made the effort to make the playdate nice, you were being friendly to the mother, you weren't going to ruin all that by saying: hand on love, it is me who does the inviting to my house, got it? I too hate being put on the spot like that. Forewarned etc, next time be prepared to say "no". Just "no, that doesn't suit".

Bahhhumbug · 01/12/2010 09:08

I would go to the door with my diary when she leaves and say 'Right while you're here I'll just book ds in for a return play date - What day suits you?

I wouldnt really - I too am a wuss Blush

But like my dad used to say about cheeky people.

'If thyre cheeky enough to ask - you can be cheeky enough to say no !'

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 01/12/2010 09:13

that's one of those great "I wish" scenarios when you think afterwards: wish I had done that! I think that's a great solution actually, when she gets the diary out, whip out a jumbo looking one and say, I can't take him ât âll before (let's say March 13th so you could have ds tomorrow, the day after, the day after that or any day next week. Shall we say Tuesday next week?"

in reality though I am a wimp about things like that...

spidookly · 01/12/2010 09:22

LOL @ DanZZZZen's cartoon scenario with the giant diary :o

Original poster
ChillyCinders · 01/12/2010 09:24

lol

I love the invoice her ....

and maybe a giant calender
as in the size of an AA route planner
across Europe

lol

thank you all..

OP posts:
theresapotatoundermysink · 01/12/2010 09:29

Eurgh. Some WOHM's have the worst attitude. They think their schedule and what suits them is so much more bloody important than yours.

Fair enough to arrange a play date for her son when she's working, but she didn't have to be so blatantly rude about it.

I'd let it go and hope its a one off, her manners may have momentarily slipped, but if she does it again I'd have no hesitation writing her off as a rude cow and saying NO.

Mishy1234 · 01/12/2010 09:34

OK, if this woman really is using OP for free childcare then I totally think YANBU.

However, what if this woman was a SAHM? Would the interpretation be the same then? Just because she got her diary out, doesn't mean she's taking advantage. Maybe she does intend on reciprocating the arrangement.

Bahhhumbug · 01/12/2010 09:38

Yes its the control aspect of it - the getting the diary out is obliging you to treat it as an agreed official arrangement rather than a casual - 'your child is coming to play with mine' - the message was - ' you cant cancel this now because you know now that you are childminding for me while I go to work.'

She's been on 'Advanced Assertiveness - how to get the most out of people' - obviously !!

PinkElephantsOnParade · 01/12/2010 09:46

If she was intending to reciprocate then why didn't she make a date while her diary was out?

That is what I would do, I would not expect DCs to be invited round again until a date had been made for their friends to come to ours.

It is just good manners.

If I was in a spot and the mum is a good friend I might ask a favour for Dcs to go round before return date, but only if we are already on friendly terms and it is very clear that I am always prepared to return the favour.

It is great when we can help each other out as everyone wins then.

Though I would like to say that it is only SOME WOHMs who do this, most are very grateful for any help offered and dont take the piss.

As I have said SAHMs have also been known to pull this one when they have felt like a child-free shopping trip/ facial and are not prepared to return the favour, so they are not all angels!

PinkElephantsOnParade · 01/12/2010 09:48

Mishy, if this woman was a SAHM and got her diary out to arrange for OP to take her DS without offer of return match, then yes I would view it in the same way.

QuintessentialShadows · 01/12/2010 09:51

So when she picks him up bring your calendar and ask her "Now that we both have our diaries, lets find out when it suits you to have my son over". and SMILE.

Dont expect her to offer, she wont. Just ask. She will realize that she cant use you as free childcare.

QuintessentialShadows · 01/12/2010 09:55

My son was on a playdate a few weeks ago. The boys asked when they could come and play at ours. I explained to the mum that I would have her son back, but not for another few weeks because I work two evenings per week, but break off in the second week of December, so would arrange something then.

It can be really hard sometimes, and sometimes it is just not possible to reciprocate straight away. Doesnt mean you should stop playdates, when your children wants them, just because you are really busy and cant reciprocate straight away.

But it is better to have it out in the open.
I was glad to get a chance to explain to the other mum that my schedule this month was so hectic it was not possible to reciprocate straight away. I am planning on having her boy over on Monday now.

BrigitBigKnickers · 01/12/2010 09:56

DD had a friend whose dad used to take advantage like this and the invitations were never reciprocated either.

Once this friend's dad had taken the day off during the school holidays so he didn't have to pay for the childminder.

I agreed to take said friend and DD shopping and then to the park where there was an inflatables day.

Said friend turned up with no money (so guess who had to sub the shopping trip and inflatables entrance?)and then when I asked her to contact her dad at 4pm to pick her up from the park she was told he had gone into work and wouldn't be back till 6.30! When I spoke to him and said it wasn't convenient for her to come back with us as we were going out he said to leave her in the park (she was 9 at the time) and he would pick her up later.Shock

I wasn't prepared to do this so we cancelled our evening plans and child had to come home with us. I had not banked on having an extra for dinner so ended up giving the child my dinner and me going without.

Her dad eventually turned up at 7.30. Angry

Some parents really do take the piss.

TheCrackFox · 01/12/2010 09:58

Cancel at the last minute, feign illness. I can guarantee you she will never try to use you as free childcare again.

LisasCat · 01/12/2010 10:00

I really wish my neighbour would come on here and post - she's got some great experiences of this. She's the SAHM in the middle, then there's me and another WOHM living either side.

I'm so overly-worried about being seen to take the biscuit that, when my DD pops next door to play, I'll tell her to invite her friend round to ours so it's our house they're making messy, and the SAHM and I take it in turns to make tea for the two girls. She now looks after my DD 2 days a week, and I pay her the same rate I'd pay nursery if DD were there that day.

Meanwhile, the other WOHM is the complete opposite and SAHM feels really put upon, having their DS brought round for frequent playdates while they go shopping or to the pub. Seeing SAHM biting her tongue and getting really frustrated about being used like that makes me so sensitive to not being seen to do the same.

KnowNothing · 01/12/2010 10:04

DS has a friend who has been here a few times with no return invitation. It doesn't bother me in the slightest - he is a lovely boy and we invite him because he is DS' friend. Would be a bit different if his mum was 'booking him in' though.

I am a WOHM and make a point of never asking SAHMs for any sort of childcare help. Out of all my friends, the worst one for taking advantage of people is actually a SAHM so I don't think its worth generalising.

whatdoiknowanyway · 01/12/2010 10:08

What saved me was our babysitting co-op.
Many of my friends belonged to it and we paid each other with tokens.

My kids got playdates. I reciprocated by babysitting in the evenings after work.

I did have to introduce my SAHM neighbour into it too though. I was working from home at the time and she thought nothing of dropping her baby off on me for hours, then staying for ages when she finally came to pick her up. Yes, I had some flexibility in my working hours but that was for my family's convenience, not hers.

Doesn't matter if WOHM or SAHM some people will always take advantage.

Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara · 01/12/2010 10:09

I think the other mum is being very cheeky just assuming that you'll look after her son whilst she works. I would tell her that you're sorry but you're busy and he can come again in a few weeks but you'll let her know which dates you're free nearer the time.

I used to know a mum a bit like this; she used to turn up at the school with her diary and say "I've got some dates for you all" that she needed covering whilst she worked. Needless to say, we all started trying to avoid her at the school. Her daughter was very spiteful and I think this also put a lot of us off wanting to have her round. If it's a good friend I wouldn't mind someone asking at all for me to have their child, as in friendships favours are reciprocated, but I would resent a mum I didn't know very well ordering me around as to when it would be convenient for her to send her child to mine!

KangarooCaught · 01/12/2010 10:19

I have had 'issues' re trying to be used as unpaid childcare - I work p/t and am currently on mat leave. Local WM keeps suggesting weekly play dates for her two sons during the holidays. She also wanted me to have her youngest dc whilst doing the staggered start to primary school as it would be nice for my youngest to have company. Ha. It wouldn't be so bad but her children are demons - no chance of nodding off for 5 mins with those two - and she and her dh are too tight to pay for childcare.

Lonnie · 01/12/2010 14:05

Sorry OP I had understood that she invited YOUR child over to hers whilst the nanny was there but actually she invited her child to yours.. very different and no YANBU