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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that DH has just decided he can't even be arsed to try to come home in the snow tonight

112 replies

margaretluna · 30/11/2010 21:55

DH works in central London. We live out about an hour's commute from Victoria. Getting from train station to our house is absolutely fine as only an inch of snow here and we are on a main road only 5 mins from station. So no problems really at this end.

DH was meant to be going to a champagne tasting after work tonight - some kind of Christmas do with other companies that do work for him. Sort of a show your face thing rather than compulsory, but nice to do of course.

I texted snow updates a few times today so he knew what was happening here. He phoned at 6pm to say the trains out of Victoria are currently cancelled so there is no point bothering yet and he might as well go to the champagne tasting thing. Then if there are still no trains then he will give one of our friends a call and see if he can stay there. Makes sense I guess, rather than hang around Victoria for a few hours.

I have since texted twice - no answer - and called - phone switched off/no reception. So I don't know if he is coming home but am suspecting he has just decided to get drunk on champagne and hotfoot it to a friend's rather than attempt a cold journey home and then will call me when asking him to come home is moot.

Ordinarily I'd be fine with this - he works hard, he is really not an unreasonable bloke, champagne is nice, what is the point of battling through snow if there is another option but
a) I have a 9 week old baby and a toddler
b) baby has had first set of jabs today so not herself
c) toddler is going through a really bad patch behaviour wise
d) toddler is going through a really bad patch behaviour wise partly due to the baby but mainly because he is missing his dad who has had two business trips in the last two weeks so hasn't been around much and instead he has only had screaming harpy of a mother to look after him and then full on attention of grandparents when it was too much for me, so he is all over the place at the moment
e) screaming harpy of a mother had her first postnatal meltdown yesterday because i'm exhausted, we have the builders in so the house is a noisy tip, our boiler keeps breaking and nobody will come out to fix it in a hurry so i am worried about it being too cold for children, DH has been away so I have been shouldering the burden of childcare and toddler is being very very difficult so I am shattered and emotionally drained.

I don't know whether I should be furious that he made no effort to come home to see/help me and just hold my hand as I am feeling a bit down at the moment. He could have left work early to come home - he is senior enough that he could do that - but instead he stayed at work until ythe train situation became impossible and he now seems to have resigned himself to just being in London, and hell he might as well therefore go for champagne.

Or has he actually made a sensible call, it is just one of those things, bad luck that the snow has come immeditaley on the back of his business trips yadder yadder and I should just be grateful I am in a reasonably warm house and not having to either try and get a very delayed train home or sleep on a friend's sofa which he will be doing.

I genuinely don't know if IABU so don't know whether to let rip when he eventually calls or whether to sympathise with his plight.

Any thoughts?

(Regular but name changed as DH knows my posting name and I'd be mortified if he found this when it could just me being completely unreasonable)

OP posts:
Earthymama · 01/12/2010 00:13

Can I just ask if you could get some help, a CM or someone who could take your older child for a couple of hours?
Your babe is tiny and it's lonely when things are cold and not going to plan and it all falls on you.
You are not being U, hope you have lovely cwtch with Your man and your babies.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 00:19

Oh good call Earthy - when I was on mat leave with dd2 (22 month gap) dd1 went to cm twice a week. It was great for all of us.

If you don't have an arrangement like that I highly recommend it.

Lonnie · 01/12/2010 00:24

YABU it has just taken my dh 4 hours to get home he phoned with me regularly through out one of our neighbours left the office at 5 pm and was not home until 11 30 pm (we live 1 hours train journey from London Bridge )

the trains in SOuth East have been horrific this evening

gingerwig · 01/12/2010 00:25

I despair of mumsnet sometimes.

I don't happen to agree with classydiva but she is perfectly entitled to express her view without being personally attacked.

Why can't you appreciate some people have completely different views from you without ganging up on/insulting them in a mob like fashion?

MrManager · 01/12/2010 00:29

Gingerwig, I agree.

Some elements of Mumsnet like to think that AIBU is a gauntlet, where you leave yourself open to criticism. In theory, perhaps - most often it just seems like a big circlejerk of people going 'Oh, you poor dear. He's just a wanker'.

If someone challenges that attitude, or even just goes against it, they're insulted and labelled a troll.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 00:33

classy's post was a personal attack.

She's a big girl, I'm sure she can handle what she dishes out.

ChippingIn · 01/12/2010 00:37

Hopefully DH is home now and you are both snuggled up in bed :)

YANBU to feel fed up.

I think when you have a toddler and a newborn baby, tagging two days onto a business trip to enjoy the sun is a bit of a piss take to be honest.

The timing of the work and stuff is a bugger - but these things happen don't they.

You only had the baby 9 short weeks ago -your body is still full of hormones, you aren't getting enough sleep and you have a pissed off toddler... of course you want a bit of love and support x

[ClassyDiva is just a trouble maker - she does this on every thread - don't take it personally]

Gingerwig - it's not that CD has a different opinion, it's that she is obnoxious with it and would argue black is white just to upset someone. It is uncalled for.

AnotherSingingMummy · 01/12/2010 02:30

blimey!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 07:03

GW...perhaps you need to do an advanced search on CD's posts

It might be enlightening for you. I don't despair of MN, I despair of some posters though...

If people are aloowed to post an opinion (and they are ...) then a "wtf?" response is also allowed

OnEdge · 01/12/2010 07:17

then surely if people wish to post a WTF response, then WTF responses to that should be allowed, why should she be left unchallenged ?

OnEdge · 01/12/2010 07:18

oh sorry ignore that i got mixed up Grin

OnEdge · 01/12/2010 07:18

going round in fucking MN circles Grin

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 07:23
Grin

perhaps all we need to do on MN is say "wtf" to everything ...

Emo76 · 01/12/2010 07:23

It sounds like bad luck (the snow, trains cancelled, boiler breaking etc) and horrible for you to cope with on your own (cannot believe what classydiva said!!) . Hope things seem better in the morning. YANBU but neither is your husband.

LadyintheRadiator · 01/12/2010 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostgirl · 01/12/2010 07:31

YABU

Trains were all cancelled from Victoria and delayed from lots of other stations. Also buses were cancelled in some areas of central London (student protests--I think!) big crowds of people waiting as well. Poor DH wasnt home until 10.30.

Also for MOST people it is difficult to leave early, have never been in a job so flexible and neither has my DH.

Speak to your DH about more support in the other areas and at other times but don't give him a hard time over this incident.

HerBeatitude · 01/12/2010 08:47

Gingerwig can you not see the difference between a genuine disagreement and a fuckwitted attempt to upset someone?

Classydiva didn't put forward her POV, she told the OP how she should be running her life and implied that she wasn't coping. It was a really nasty personal attack actually, absolutely calculated to upset someone who was feeling down and a bit shit. The OP came on here with an open mind, willing to be told she was BU if that were the case, and Classydiva decided to use it as an opportunity to make a nasty, mean-minded comment. I think we need to distinguish between that sort of vile behaviour, which is a form of trolling IMO, and a genuine, honestly held disagreement which still expresses itself within the MN ethos. CD's post doesn't come anywhere near the latter so I think it's absolutely appropriate for it to be treated with the contempt it deserves.

margaretluna · 01/12/2010 09:10

Morning all - re classydiva, I didn't mind her first post at all. In fact gave me food for thought and a different point of view which I needed.

However her second was really nasty and uncalled for. Telling me I shouldn't have had the children this close together if I couldn't cope based on one post when I was feeling low when I have never whinged on here about it before? Very very unfair, and could tip someone generally more fragile than me over the edge. I was objecting to the second post, not the first.

Anyway, DH made it home - only 90 mins rather than 60 mins in the end so staying in London late helped in the end! So I got my much needed cuddle.

I knew IWBU given the situation, but NBU given that he was out enjoying himself whilst I was stuck at home fretting about things yet again (NBU to feel like that although probably BU to resent him having a nice time). Anyway, he is going to have the children on Saturday so I can go to the hairdressers and have a break. And he will be working from home this morning at least given the weather so is helping me out at the moment with getting the house straight and making copious quantities of tea for the builders rather than me.

All's well that ends well. He knows I'm having a bit of a struggle at the moment (been on a high since DD arrived, and been dealing with things brilliantly, but finally having a little wobble due I think to extreme tiredness now) TBH I needed to offload on MN last night as I knew deep down it wouldn't be fair to let rip at him for something out of his control. But, gah, I was just bloody jealous of the champagne...

Thank you all :o

OP posts:
spidookly · 01/12/2010 09:25

Yay, what a happy ending :)

Saturday will really help and it's nice that you have him around this morning.

BextheBambi · 01/12/2010 09:33

YANBU- trains weren't cancelled as DP was travelling home from central london last night at about 6pm. He's even ventured out to work today even though I think he's nuts..there's 12 inches of snow here and everywhere in Croydon. Damn councils not gritting.

Sounds like you need a break tbh, I have enough trouble with one DD can't imagine the trouble you're having with a probably hyperactive toddler too...snow always brings out the very worst and very best in children.

anchovies · 01/12/2010 09:46

Good news about Saturday, make sure you do that often and don't hesitate to ask your dh/others around you for help when you need it. I have done the 2 year age gap (twice!) and it is bloody hard work!

LilRedWG · 01/12/2010 09:57

Margaretluna - I am the same as you and the lack of updates would have really wound me up.

I'm glad DH is working from home today. I find just having DH in the house takes an enormous strain off, even if he is locked away working.

2bubs4me · 01/12/2010 10:17

Margaretluna - I'm so pleased you feel alot better today hunnie!

You know where all us MN mums are if you need a rant!

As for ClassyDiva - If you haven't got anything nice to say keep your nasty opinions to yourself

welshbyrd · 01/12/2010 10:19

classydiva is a idiot, this is the third post, ive come across with her pathetic, nasty comments, Classy? year 7 is it?

gingerwig · 01/12/2010 15:23

I will never ever do an advanced search on anyone's posts. It strikes me as obsessive and stalkerish.