AIBU to print this out for the 4 males in my house?

[dontdisstheteens]

Things need to change

When I ask someone to clear away the rubbish that they have left they should clear it up, not conveniently ?forget?.

When someone leaves their shit in the loo they should clear it up. I also do not expect to have to clear up adult and teenage piss. Is it really so hard to use tissues and or bleach/ to do the job? Is it as impossible as replacing loo rolls when empty?

People should change their beds every week without me asking, you are not young children. , perhaps as you know I like a clean bed you could initiate changing it?

This house is not huge if everyone actually took on the responsibility for it being a clean and comfortable home it would not take long at all. It is interesting that if we employed a cleaner (s)he would be able to clean the whole house within a couple of hours - if (s)he did not have to tidy and do other ?everyday? stuff as well.

Neither do I expect to be wholly responsible for food planning and preparation, why should I be?

It is not my job to ?see? when the dishwasher needs emptying and to have to ask again and again. There are others in this house to ?see? mess, and dirty towels, but for too long they have ignored it on the grounds that someone else (yes me) will deal with it. I have explained many times that hanging the bath mat up after use means it gets dry and therefore does not smell, so why not just do it? You all know that dirty glasses/mugs/plates need to go in the dishwasher ? why do I have to ask???? There is no good reason why males cannot spot things that need doing, it shows a total lack of respect that you don?t bother instead preferring to leave it to me.

As for washing, the stuff gets rank. Why should I have to delve into a basket and get it out, why should I have to un-ball foul football socks and separate sweaty (sometimes skid marked) underpants from other clothes etc so they get clean? There is nobody in this house who is incapable of operating the washing machine and folding clean clothes to put away.

I fully accept that I am at home more and that it is easier for me to get some things done but this is done for us as a family not because I am a skivvy. Wouldn?t it be nice if the kitchen was tidy for me to work in starting as soon as people have gone to school/work?

I am fed up of saying things, being acknowledged and then ignored. You all know the types of things which make me feel miserable/cross/stressed ? do none of you care enough about me as a person to avoid them?

There is real contempt in this house and it is shocking that no one seems to care enough to address it. I share the blame for this because I have allowed it to continue but given everyone?s ages and the fact that in order to earn money I need to complete my current work it is time to change things. I have asked a million times for change/help/respect and I am really pissed off that any change is so fleeting. What kind of loving family is this?

Who is going to step up to the mark and make sure change occurs?

Have just read it through again. It sounds a bit poor meish. Can anyone help edit to be 'less feminine', more assertive?

print it out. call a family meeting sit them all down and read it out. then invite questions and start negotiations as to what everyone will do. agree on actions for everyone.

"BTW I hate the word nagging - what adjective would you use to describe a man who keeps asking the same thing again and again?"

Single minded?
Assertive?
Determined?

If it were me, I'd be printing a copy each, and leaving it on their pillows next to their heads on Saturday morning, before disappearing for the weekend. But I'm a flouncer.

They might think you've gone a bit loopy, but it also might get the message home. You won't be there to nag remind them.

Or else call a family meeting and then flounce give them space to think about it.

Or else ignore me because I don't have a house full of males, or teenagers.

enforce the fact that ther are now or are verging on adulthood. none of tehm are children and none of them any less capable than anyone else in the house and so tehre will be no excuse for not doing their own washing, tidying, cleaning, bedsheets, making dinner for the family. providing the food is the parents' responsibility, cooking it is not

enforce enforce enforce: we are all as capable as each other. time to be a real person and not a half arsed one.

So not unreasonable.

Oh I love the sarcastic notes!

It's not just boys - girls can be just as bad.
My DD is 14 and a real slob. Skiddy pants, wet towels, make up wipes, lolly wrappers, etc, etc, everywhere!! (I've even found a sanitary towel shoved behind her headboard - yuk) I Don't get any help from my husband whose just useless.

I'm going through the menopause so sparks are flying in our house. I just 'lose it' every now and again and they all seem to go into a stunned silence for a while, mend their ways for a very short period, then it's back to the general slobiness (is that a word?).

I pity you with 4 of them though - I'm sure you didn't sign up to be a slave when you got married and decided to have kids.

Take heed all you mums with toddlers - you think it's hard now!!

Pack your bag.

Print out the letter, one for each, and then pin it to their pillows with a knife. Make it look as though you have thrown both from a distance.

Book yourself into a B&B where you can have a cooked breakfast and evening meal and don't go home until they have promised on their lives that things will change.

DontDiss
I know just how you're feeling (my account of THE weekend with DS was VERY potted! - it had been building up for YEAR). But I'd have to say re your letter...
No no no
It won't get you anywhere they'll just take the mick/think you are on planet zogg/ignore it completely. Back to square 1.
That's what amazed me about drawing up a rota - that DS seemed to respond so relatively easily to something simple, concrete and in black and white.
Now, instead of getting stressed with all that he hasn't done I just say have you done the rota - and he does it. He knows the rota is really fair and can't argue about it. Plus there is the little reward at the end of the week, which I don't think he cares about too much really but it helps.
Agree tho, you deffo need backup of DP over this. REally he should be setting the example, otherwise DCs just have every excuse - if DPs not doing why should they?
Good luck

Marking my place (waiting for someone to post a miracle solution) and sympathising - DH is slowly getting better but my three teenage daughters are just as you describe your boys dontdiss.

What can you take away from them? I find that turning the TV off, physically removing their laptops and phones and threatening to not take them to dancing/pony club/whatever does have some short term impact. Cancelling pocket money works on the 15yo.
Because they are teenagers, and so innately self centred, I try to keep it all about what affects them - they are so wrapped up in themselves they really couldn't give a toss about their menopausal mother having a breakdown.

I am told that girls get better at about 24yo.

I want them to do the rota though.

My plan is to give them each a copy when they get in Thursday. I will be going straight out with a friend and will expect a concrete plan for when we talk on Friday...

Going away for a bit longer has its merits as an idea though and love the idea of sticking it to each pillow with a knife!!!!

How old are they? What do they get from you? Other than heating/washing/food?

Everything from here on in needs to be earned by doing their share of the housework. So that's lifts, money, electrical goods, use of TV etc, clothes other than school uniform, food other than basic meals.

If they earn their own money, then they comply or they're out on their ears. Sound like you mean it.

Oh, and I put the blame squarely on your DH, btw. If he acts as though his penis gets him out of the housework, then how are they to know any better?

And at all those who have said men can't help it. What a crock of shit! I hope none of you are raising sons. (Or daughters for that matter...teaching them that's their place in life?)

They are 16 (can't remove screens etc from him), 13 (a live wire and hormones racing) and 12 (hates a dirty house and has historically been the best at helping but now puberty is kicking in), and finally 48 (and plays cricket every Saturday...)

Why can't you move screens etc from the 16 year old?

Very tricky on lots of counts. He paid for the bits, he built them (yes literally) and he would go into total meltdown. Money is the key here. His allowance was cut by £40 to only £20 this month. Ten pounds was removed for every weekend he did not do bedroom or help - yes that was all of them! He was warned but did not believe me until he checked his account.

All that gubbins about men being inherantly useless is fucking twaddle. My dad is fussy as hell about his house - and a good cook too.

My DP is a bit useless in the bathroom (though it's only FIL who doesn't put the toilet seat down, grrr), but is an utterly stunning cook, unlike myself who is useless.

I think a rota may work, but what will reall do it is not backing down, ever. If the bathroom looks a state after 4 weeks, so be it. Do your laundry and put it away straight off (a pain, I know) then let them get on with it. Revoke all taxi services etc., too.

Oh dear, dontdiss. It sounds awful. I've no advice (as you know organising my house full of, younger, boys defeats me too). It's really hard when you work at home as all the home responsibilities seem to gradually drift towards you.

I'm noticing that the laundry is defaulting to me, and that I feel guilty for not having tidied up during the day when DH gets home. I'm refusing to do it though, as it'll just become another taken-for-granted thing I do round here. It's hard to ignore half-eaten bowls of cereal and stuff left everywhere and just get on with work instead.

Also, VictoriainIce, I would call a bloke who asked something repeatedly a fucking nag, just the same as I would a woman.

Context-dependant, of course. If he were actually in the right, I'd call him besieged, just as dontdisstheteens is right now.

I have all this to look forward to with DS, and probably DD. Urk.

Oh dear, dontdiss. It sounds awful. I've no advice (as you know organising my house full of, younger, boys defeats me too). It's really hard when you work at home as all the home responsibilities seem to gradually drift towards you.

I'm noticing that the laundry is defaulting to me, and that I feel guilty for not having tidied up during the day when DH gets home. I'm refusing to do it though, as it'll just become another taken-for-granted thing I do round here. It's hard to ignore half-eaten bowls of cereal and stuff left everywhere and just get on with work instead.

When I was a teen we all had a few specific tasks that were totally our responsibility. Mine were to put clean washing away and make dinner every night (from age 14 or so). Those were then only things I actually did but because I had ownership of them if they werent done I felt guilty not to mention I got an earful from mum. My sisters had other tasks. Mum was still in charge but farming out significant jobs worked for our family.

allowance? for doing what exactly?

Among other things buying food at college. I have however, told him I will have stuff here for him to make sandwiches this month so he will not starve.

His sixth form has a Starbucks franchise in it and I suspect a lot of money goes there. Can you believe it??? Starbucks at a Sixth Form!

Anyway come on guys. I am not doing this until Thursday so it is well thought out. Any ideas for the letter? I want time to read and talk without me.

No I mean what does he do to deserve an allowance? He needs to pull his weight - more than just not being a slob or get a job.

£60 a month. 17 hours a month at minimum wage for a 16 year old. bus pass and make your own lunch.

Stop washing their clothes. Tell the school that you are teaching them to be responsible for themselves and can they assist in ensuring that the boys are appropriately bollocked for dirty /missing kit etc.

Crap left lying around - if possessions chuck it a black bag and let them look through it when you feel like it.

No carefully chosen treat food - you forgot.

tbh I would start with getting your husband on side and point out that he is enabling their lack of respect for you.