for having nothing to say to childless 30somethings?

[darleneconnor]

For the first time on AIBU I am prepared to admit a fair degree of unreasonablness...

DP and I went to a friend's birthday party at the weekend. I am usually (or at least used to be) a sociable, party-loving type of person. But this time I just sat there and realised that I was the only parent in the room (c.20 people). I felt like a had absolutely nothing to say to that group of people. Most were single, there was one cohabiting couple and one recently married couple. They work during the week, go out drinking at weekends. It's such a different lifestyle from mine.

DP and I have just started TTC so I do have 'babies on the brain' more than usual. (Not through choice) I haven't been employed since DD was born, so tbh talking about other people's careers is a bit raw for me.

I just felt like I couldn't relate to any of them (they may well feel the same about me).

I'm a 'baby bore' amn't I?

perhaps become more up to date politically so you have recent events to discuss?

I haven't been employed since DD was born, "so tbh talking about other people's careers is a bit raw for me."

It sounds as if you have the problem and not them.

There are other things to talk about besides work and children. You both should have tried harder. I don't talk all night about work at parties.

I was actually ut at a political dinner last week. To my knowledge I am much more politically active than everyone else there.

Not at all.

You are just in a different place now.

After I had DC1 I found that my relationships with friends changed. Some were enhanced friendships because they were also starting families, some died away because they were pursuing careers, some just adjusted themselves to a new balance.

Don't try to be something you're not. Being a parent brings you lots of new friends, experiences and reasons to laugh at life.

Welcome to my world - I don't fit in anywhere. No kids (that made it - miscarriages ahoy), fertility troubles as well (double the fun)... yet I've never really been able to relate to the going out on a weekend "childless" culture - so I'm pretty much excluded by both groups.

I just avoid social situations totally - there's no hole in this world for someone with wonky plumbing and maternal instinct gone mad (yet enough dignity to not be the doormat, whipping boy and free babysitting service for the entire planet).

It's just that having kids and hanging around people with kids means that talking about the kids is easy conversation to make.

I'm sort of surprised that you feel you have nothing else in common with your friends (presumably you knew some other people at the party?).

How old is your child? I agree that it's hard to think about anything else when you're ttc but when you're not, I find that being able to talk about other things very liberating .

Yes, Guardian online for you.

Oooh when I am with childless people I just live vicariously through them and get all the gossip. I love hearing what they have all been up to.

There are millions of things to discuss besides babies. Here is a list for the next time you are in this situation:

EastEnders
The recession and how it's all very awful for everyone
The snow
Going on a nice holiday this year then?
Where did you get your haircut/dress/scarf etc
Cablegate and how embarrassing is it for the Americans?

I find childless people a bit of a respite, frankly one could talk too much about teething/nappies/schools and all sorts of parenting stuff

but I understand up to a point, it is an adjustment

Do people really talk about books at parties?

I'm currently reading 'the age of absurdity'.

I did ask people about their jobs but it leaves me feeling a bit 'inadequate' later on.

yes you are as far as that crowd is concerned OP, but that's OK you're allowed to be

God, yes.

Kindle a good talking a good talking point at the moment too.

I find I very rarely talk to friends, childless or not, about work (spend enough time there in the week), or my as yet unborn baby (worried about becoming a pregnancy bore), and to be honest, have never been in a situation where childless friends have sat around talking about their careers, although have been the only childless woman in a group talking about how many oz of milk their babies are having when, which was tiresome.

At social things, dinner parties, evenings out etc., we're far more likely to find ourselves talking about:

Houses/home improvements
Politics
Holidays
Money/the recession and other insane things related to that
Bargains we've found
Other things in the news
Other interests
Funny/interesting things that have happened in the last days/weeks/months
Things we've read/seen (i.e. books/films etc.)

D

So you don't actually have any children yet?

Oh just saw that you DO have DD.

tbh when I only had 1 DC I still had quite a few childless friends, who I socialised with every now and then.

Now that I have 2 I feel that I exist on a different planet. I put on a lot of weight, which hasn't exactly helped my confidence.

I did broach the subjects of holidays/haircuts but my lack of knowledge of the x factor and not going out for a cigarette excluded me from quite a bit of the chatter.

I think that part of it is that I'm getting fed up waiting for some of my existing friends to join the 'baby bandwagon'

YABU
Read the papers, see a film, read a book, watch a documentary.... do anything that might make you have something to discuss.

you sound a bit smug tbh

I don't think you sound smug. I think you sound a little bit lacking in confidence though. Maybe it's your friends who are the boring ones?

I would bloody LOVE to be at a party like that.

I am sick to death of only spending time with other SAHM's, even when we go out on the lash the subject turns to potty training, big beds and it is just dull, I'm sorry, but it is.

Blimey i love my childless mates.A night out with them is fab as we talk about anything but kids,they love my dcs but dont want it all rammed down their throats.
We talk about whos seeing who,work,tv and films before moving onto the inappropriate stuff after a few drinks.

Most of my work colleagues are childless 30 somethings. We spent most of today talking about various types of poo.

I can understand how you're feeling, but it's probably just you having a bad day. I've had evenings out with my childless friends where I've felt that way, and I've also had moments in toddler groups where I felt I didn't fit in their either.

Perhaps you're just generally feeling a little down?

Now this part:

"I think that part of it is that I'm getting fed up waiting for some of my existing friends to join the 'baby bandwagon'"

IS being unreasonable.

Agree with bigbarnfarm I LOVE mixing with lots of different people - different ages/backgrounds - some of my friends have children (some have grand-children ), some don't - I really do not want to talk about childrens' schools, friends, activities blah blah blah.

As I didn't have a child until my 40s I guess we were one of those 'childless 30 something couples' for a long time (it was bliss ).

If you only limit your friendships to 'people like you' you will end up with a very narrow group of friends. What do you want to talk about - how you are TTC ?