for having nothing to say to childless 30somethings?

[darleneconnor]

For the first time on AIBU I am prepared to admit a fair degree of unreasonablness...

DP and I went to a friend's birthday party at the weekend. I am usually (or at least used to be) a sociable, party-loving type of person. But this time I just sat there and realised that I was the only parent in the room (c.20 people). I felt like a had absolutely nothing to say to that group of people. Most were single, there was one cohabiting couple and one recently married couple. They work during the week, go out drinking at weekends. It's such a different lifestyle from mine.

DP and I have just started TTC so I do have 'babies on the brain' more than usual. (Not through choice) I haven't been employed since DD was born, so tbh talking about other people's careers is a bit raw for me.

I just felt like I couldn't relate to any of them (they may well feel the same about me).

I'm a 'baby bore' amn't I?

yes smug sounding - "I think that part of it is that I'm getting fed up waiting for some of my existing friends to join the 'baby bandwagon'"

I think it's the fact that you have nothing in common with this particular group of people anymore that's the problem, rather than whether or not you have children or they do.

I have plenty of childless friends and we talk about current affairs, politics, holidays, houses etc and sometimes about children. We DON'T talk about how many pints we drunk the previous night or who was on crappy TV...

I think you need to look for some new people, tbh.

Once that baby arrives you'll be desperate for their company again. My last childless friend has gone and had a baby and I feel betrayed (well not really), she thinks because my youngest is 6 months old all I want to talk about is baba's when I actually miss hearing all about her wild antics , oh well.

empty shell wanted to say earlier I felt very about your post. You must feel in a difficult place, I hope people don't make you feel like you don't belong.

I agree with dansmommy, you were probably just having an off night - happens to us all, even me, and I can rabbit for Wales.
Parties can be particularly tricky, especially if everyone's a bit drunker than you, but I find it very easy to chat to my childless twenty and thirty something workmates (rarely about work).

Oh, and "waiting for them to join the baby bandwagon" is presumptuous and narrow minded. Sorry.

I love going out with childless mates! Anything but chattering about bloody toilet training, weaning and Dora the farking Explorer....

i have spent very little tiem with childless friends in the last 3 years.

when i do - i'm not at a loss for words, but i do feel they are from a different planet a bit.

eg. my friends asks me 'do you breastfeed??' does it hurt? in tones of amazement....i try and answer without allowing it to become the kind of statistic laden-spiel i would post on MN!

i felt some of the questions were a bit too big to answer...like explaining part of your job to a completely fresh trainee where you have really strong feelings about how it is done. But more loaded than that - answering one bit, then running into another dark area, and another...

hopefully if any of them get pregnant, I'll point them towards MN, and that will be that!

I still think some of her cousins must be on here. they were very MN.

Sounded a bit anti-childless-judgey from the start to be honest. Lots to be said for tolerance on both sides - I've sat with a fixed grin on my face and intent look several times while being told how massively fulfilling motherhood is and "how I really should get a move on", I've also sat and endured umpteen conversations about I'm a Celebrity but not Celeb Enough Not to Need to Eat Wombat Scrotum... both are equally soul-destroying.

If they're really your friends - the friendship will survive, if not - eventually you'll grow apart and they'll become an entry on a Christmas card list and friend on Facebook. But it has to come from both sides - and starting to bug people to reproduce just to join in can be incredibly hurtful if stuff's going on behind the scenes you don't know about - and it's just bloody presumptuous anyway (it's the equivalent of saying "go have lots of sex because I want someone to share potty training stories wtih - NOW!" when you boil it down to its most brutal element really!)

I bloody hate this tendency women have to label themselves into nice neat categories - SAHM, Working Mum, Evil Childless-Woman, Bridget Jones, Heading For Sad Spinsterdom And Being Eaten As A Corpse By Their Thirteen Cats - and I hate people who judge and presume about people because of the (visible) product of their plumbing anyway! My mother's eyes would have glazed over if you started talking baby stuff with her - I'm more likely to have a productive conversation - but I'm the childless one!

..the other part is that i do feel curious a bit about ..well.the fun i could be having if it weren't for the DCs!

'sooo....done any good drugs/ gone to fun parties / holidays / good pub nights/ sex with random strangers...???'
and usually the answer is they have been working a lot. slightly disappointing, but probably true.

YABU. Ask people about themselves and take an interest in their lives even if they are not the same as your own. Then they might do the same for you.

emptyshell, good (and moving) posts from you. I am sorry to hear about your situation.

great post emptyshell, I can relate as having had yrs and yrs of fertility treatment in the past.

I've found I really like the company of my childless mates these days- I get enough of being a Mum when I am being a hands-on Mum and the rare occasions I get a break I like to talk about otehr things.

However, socially groups move on and our tastes in mates change, esp. as we have babies which are time consuming- it passes though IME

Great post emptyshell.

It's sounds like you are lacking in confidence OP.

Sorry I don't understand this at all. What did you talk about before having children? I don't see why having them should change the person you are. In my group of friends - also early thirties - we talk about kids a bit but probably for about 5 percent of the time. What has changed exactly? Yes you are a mum but you are still you! Maybe you need to get out more with smaller groups of close friends and not talk about your kids!