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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider not going to family wedding even though may cause family rift.

43 replies

beaker25 · 30/11/2010 09:57

Bit complicated, I?ll try and keep this as simple as possible! My cousin (on my mums side) is getting married next year, day before christmas eve. My auntie (mother of groom) phoned my mum yesterday to let her know the arrangments, although invites not gone out yet. I live across the country from where wedding will be. Also, I usually spend Christams eve with DPs family, who live the other side of the country, in opposite direction of the wedding, plus I usually work Christmas eve.

My mum mentioned to aunt that I might find going to the wedding difficult for these reasons. Aunt said, ?well that?s why I?ve given you so much notice, so that plans can be made around the wedding.? Aunt basically made it very clear that I?m expected to go, and no excuses will be tolerated. Mum says she?s been up all night worrying about what will happen if I don?t go.

My dp has not been invited so I?d need to do all of the travelling (about 3 hours on the wedding day and 8/9 hours worth on christmas eve) on my own, plus I?d have to stay in a hotel room on my own.

Bit of background, I am not particualarly close to my mum or my mums side of the family, from age 7 I lived with my dad due to MH issues with my mum. Before age seven I lived alone with my mum and she was neglecful and abusive. Her sisters all knew about this but never did anything about it, never acknowlegded it to me and have never acknowleged it since.

I don?t feel particualry comfortable around my mum, or her sisters. I?d feel a lot more comfortable about going if my DP could come too, for support, but without him there the thought of going makes me quite nervous. The wedding is where I lived with my mum when younger, and going back to that area always brings back a lot of bad memories.

I haven?t seen said cousin for at least five years, and have never met his fiancee, although I really like cousin and would like to be friends with him.

So, my question is, do I just bite the bullet and go anyway? I kind of feel like I?m being bullied into going, and don?t want to give into that, but then I don?t want to cause extra stress for my mum either. Mum says it will cause a major family rift if I don?t go. She seems to think I?d effectivly be cutting ties with that side of the family if I don?t go.

I?d be interested to hear your views, I?m going round and round in circles with this!

OP posts:
going · 30/11/2010 09:59

WHy has your dp not been invited?

llareggub · 30/11/2010 10:02

Well, it is quite clear you don't want to go. So don't. Your choice!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/11/2010 10:03

you are working, have plans, won't be able to do the travel etc and won't be able to come. sorry.

honestly if people plan their wedding for christmas eve and expect people other than those who live locally and are close family and friends to come they are insane. rather self important too if you think other people should mess up their and their families christmas to see you get married.

Original poster
beaker25 · 30/11/2010 10:03

They said they can't afford to invite him. They've not met him so I don't have a problem with that in itself. We have been together five years but I haven't seen that side of family in about five years, so hasn't been a chance for them to meet.

OP posts:
QueenOfProcrastination · 30/11/2010 10:04

The main people concerned are you and your cousin, not your mum and Aunt - no matter what they say. Talk directly to your cousin, tell him what you've said here, and see what his view is. If you speak to him directly it leaves little room for Aunt or mum to twist things and "cut all ties" with everyone. Sure, mum and aunt may not like it but they don't sound like nice people. It sounds like - from your history - they should be doing all they can to repair relationships with you, not threaten and bully you. If they are going to make threats like this in order to control you then you'd be better off without them. This doesn't mean you can't have positive family relationship with your cousin.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/11/2010 10:05

Crazy date to pick for a wedding.

And how very odd of your mother to have "been up all night worrying about what will happen if I don't go". You stay up all night worrying about someone having a life-threatening operation maybe, not about someone possibly not being able to attend a wedding over a year hence.

On the information so far your family clearly has Issues...

Kitta · 30/11/2010 10:06

I would wait till the actual invites arrive tbh, I come from a large family with multiple cousins and am always getting news of wedding dates, being given the impression that we would be invited, and then nothing.
It maybe that your Aunt won?t actually have that much say over the invite list as she seems to think. (In fact you might find a thread on here soon enough about a PIA MIL to be who is insisting on inviting random cousins that DF hasn?t seen in 5 years , you never know Grin).
So don?t worry too much about something that hasn?t happened yet.
BTW who gets married on the 23rd of December and expects people to travel to it, fair enough if you?re all local or planning to spend Christmas locally but otherwise, wonder if it?s a very clever ploy by cousin and partner to keep the wedding smallHmm

ENormaSnob · 30/11/2010 10:06

I wouldn't go tbh.

Too far, too close to Xmas, geographical nightmare, family issues ....

I also find it rather rude that your dp isn't invited so I would decline on that basis alone.

going · 30/11/2010 10:06

If you do decide to go then tell them your DP will be with you as you are going to visit his family the next day, good chance for them to meet him!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/11/2010 10:06

QOP is right actually. call cousin DIRECT. whatever you do don't let others communicate for you and twist things.

Vallhala · 30/11/2010 10:06

I don't get the problem with travelling on your own or staying in a hotel alone. However, I can see loads of reasons why you have problems about attending the wedding.

When you get to my old age you realise that you can't please everyone so you may as well please yourself. You might like to take it from an old (forty-something) lady that this is one such occasion. You don't have to attend any social event you don't wish to. But, the more you do, the more you will be expected to in the future.

If I were you I would make a stand now. Decline firmly and politely and let that be the end to it... these people don't own you! You're not a child to be told what to do!

I'd suggest that you turn the invitation down on the grounds that you have already made plans and accepted an invitation to go to DP's family and that, if and when you wish, you make private arrangements to catch up with your Cousin in the new year.

You sound quite young... don't spend the next 20 years being bullied into doing what other people want or think you must do.

FindingMyMojo · 30/11/2010 10:07

so you don't want to go to the wedding of a not close cousin who you haven't seen for 5 years, many hours travel away, on Christmas Eve eve, with return travel on Christmas Eve itself, without your DP??? I don't think there is one thing unreasonable about that at all.

And they have an entire year to get over it Grin

ziggyf · 30/11/2010 10:08

Hmmmm I read the first paragraph and thought "YABU!" but then I saw that your DP isn't invited (why not?). Sounds like there's a lot more to this than just the practicalities of getting to the wedding so YANBU.

purits · 30/11/2010 10:09

I think that if DP had been invited then I would encourage you to go. Christmasses happen every year, weddings only happen once (hopefully) so you could vary your plans for one year.
However, if they are not prepared to invite your DP purely for financial reasons then that is your get-out clause. You can say right back at her that you can't attend because you can't afford it.

Plumm · 30/11/2010 10:10

Just one of the reasons you mention above would stop me from going to this wedding.

Call your cousin and tell him why you won't be there. His wedding invites are nothing to do with either your mum or his.

If aunty complains then tell her you've given plenty of notice that you won't be there.

LadyBiscuit · 30/11/2010 10:11

Why do you care what your mother thinks given she neglected and abused you?

I agree with people who say to talk to the cousin direct and I would just call him and say that you can't make it but you'd love to meet up (with your respective partners) sometime next year

LoopyLoops · 30/11/2010 10:11

It is perfectly acceptable to not go to a wedding for any reason as long as you give enough notice.

Cal your cousin and explain.

My family sounds very similar to yours. My mum's generation are all quite similar, allbeit with different mental health issues. I have steered clear of that whole side (actually both sides) of my family. At my Nana's funeral last year, I met them all again after years. As it turns out, almost all of the cousins are perfectly normal, went through very similar stuff as children and are very similar to me i outlook now. I think that is probably fairly common.

So, ring your cousin, explain about all of your reasons for not wanting to go, and leave it with him. He might find an extra space for your DP, bearing in mind what you told him about your mum, but he might just agree that it is too difficult for you to attend.

Bunbaker · 30/11/2010 10:12

I agree with Santa. I think it is very unrealistic to arrange a wedding so close to Christmas and expect anyone living more than an hour away to be able to attend. Travelling on Britains roads at Christmas is manic and something that any sane person would want to avoid.

I'm inclined to think that your auntie hasn't really thought this through.

ENormaSnob · 30/11/2010 10:12

It's a week day too so presuming you have to take a days annual leave.

No way would I attend this wedding.

lucy101 · 30/11/2010 10:12

I'm with Valhalla - don't go - I think you would be miserable.

I would wait until you actually get the invite though and then write your cousin (not anyone else) a note saying you can't go and that you should catch up another time (perhaps with DP?). You don't have to give an excuse either.

However, do expect bullying phone calls from mother/aunt/whoever, emotional blackmail etc. (your cousin may well be under his mother's thumb as she sounds rather in charge!) and stand firm!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/11/2010 10:12

and i agree with valhalla (how agreeable i'm feeling!)

that is so true about the more you give in and accommodate people the more you'll be expected to. at some point you decide am i the sort of person who will run my life around pressure and guilt trips doing things i don't want to do or am i willing to face the resistance once and for all, risk disapproval and the end of the world (which doesn't come - it's just the stick to make you along with things) and make my line in the sand?

once you make that line a couple of times people just respect and accept that you make your own decision and can't be forced. some may think you're an awkward bitch but who cares, worth it to be able to live like an adult.

ClearAndChristmasPresent · 30/11/2010 10:13

based on everything you have said, i would not be going. I also encourage you to talk with your cousin.You say your mum had MH issues, and was abusive, and she is bullying and emotionally manipulating you now. Are you sure your aunt said you have to go or else? If you are not close, then that alone does not make a huge amount of sense. Maybe your mother made clear that she expected you to be invited, and is now telling you you have to go to back her up?

Get the information direct from the source- your cousin.

It is a crazy time to get married anyway. Xmas eve? I suspect they will have alot of people who are unable to come for similar reasons.

TrillianAdAstra · 30/11/2010 10:13

"Unfortunately I will not be able to make it, I hope you have a lovely day."

No excuses. Just say no. If you make excuses they will try to talk you around.

LaWeaselMys · 30/11/2010 10:15

I would not go. I know how hard difficult families and weddings (heck, any occasion) are, but you have plenty of practical reasons to not be able to go.

Write to your cousin and explain (suitably apologetically) I'm sure they will understand even if others don't.

ClearAndChristmasPresent · 30/11/2010 10:16

Yes, and if you really are in fear of a family rift, then think about sending a nice present and a card. (Although you are under no obligation to do that either).