To consider not going to family wedding even though may cause family rift.

[beaker25]

Bit complicated, I?ll try and keep this as simple as possible! My cousin (on my mums side) is getting married next year, day before christmas eve. My auntie (mother of groom) phoned my mum yesterday to let her know the arrangments, although invites not gone out yet. I live across the country from where wedding will be. Also, I usually spend Christams eve with DPs family, who live the other side of the country, in opposite direction of the wedding, plus I usually work Christmas eve.

My mum mentioned to aunt that I might find going to the wedding difficult for these reasons. Aunt said, ?well that?s why I?ve given you so much notice, so that plans can be made around the wedding.? Aunt basically made it very clear that I?m expected to go, and no excuses will be tolerated. Mum says she?s been up all night worrying about what will happen if I don?t go.

My dp has not been invited so I?d need to do all of the travelling (about 3 hours on the wedding day and 8/9 hours worth on christmas eve) on my own, plus I?d have to stay in a hotel room on my own.

Bit of background, I am not particualarly close to my mum or my mums side of the family, from age 7 I lived with my dad due to MH issues with my mum. Before age seven I lived alone with my mum and she was neglecful and abusive. Her sisters all knew about this but never did anything about it, never acknowlegded it to me and have never acknowleged it since.

I don?t feel particualry comfortable around my mum, or her sisters. I?d feel a lot more comfortable about going if my DP could come too, for support, but without him there the thought of going makes me quite nervous. The wedding is where I lived with my mum when younger, and going back to that area always brings back a lot of bad memories.

I haven?t seen said cousin for at least five years, and have never met his fiancee, although I really like cousin and would like to be friends with him.

So, my question is, do I just bite the bullet and go anyway? I kind of feel like I?m being bullied into going, and don?t want to give into that, but then I don?t want to cause extra stress for my mum either. Mum says it will cause a major family rift if I don?t go. She seems to think I?d effectivly be cutting ties with that side of the family if I don?t go.

I?d be interested to hear your views, I?m going round and round in circles with this!

Thanks all, yes is all quite complicated and lots of history!

My mum tends to massivley over worry about things, due to her MH issues which doesn't help. She does tend to make a massive issue of things that wouldn't ottherwise be a problem.

Speaking to cousin direct sounds like a good plan. From what I know of cousin he is nice and reasonable so would probably understand that so close to christmas is hard. I think my mum and aunt are clouding the issue, when it's not really about them.

I stopped reading when I got to the bit where your DP wasn't invited.

If it is REALLY important to them to have you there as part of their family then they would have invited your DP.

I think your mother and aunt are clouding the issue too. My mother has some issues with her family too, which has caused long standing depression. I have twisted myself into knots several times over the years trying to maintain her face for her, as she has not told some aunt something or has told some aunt something. (I have even been forced to hide in the loft on one occasion because one of her sisters dropped in and my mother had not told her i was there, and 'she would be so hurt if she had known' and all that. FWIW, it is all crap. My aunts on that side could not care less about me, it is all in my mother';s head.

It is exhausting, and reading your post, which sounds so familiar, has triggered me to think that I am not going to put up with similar any more either.

Anyway- good luck. YAdefNBU to not want to go to the wedding.

Crazy date for a wedding and as for not inviting your other half! What a cheek! You havn't met the bride to be but they are not bothered about that!

Stand up for yourself, learn to say no. Never apologise, never explain, a simple no will suffice.

Other people's mental health issues, whilst sad, are their own. You cannot live your life to suit other people all the time.

I'd not go. You don't get on with your mother, her sisters, you don't like this cousin. Your mother was abusive and neglectful, her sisters knew and did FA about it. I can't see why you even talk to them at all, tbh.

Tough.

I'd tell the hand directly, 'I'm not coming'. Now.

Any bullying phone calls? Change your number or block them.

I think my DP and my cousin would really get on well- they are quite simliar. So perhaps I will say to cousin that DP and I will take him and new wife out for dinner as a wedding present?

Thanks for all your replies. It's good to have some perspective, ultimatley it's pointless trying to please certain members of my family because they'll never be pleased.

If they had invited DP too, I'd think that they were making an effort to get to know us both, and I'd like that.

I have mixed feelings with that side of family really, part of me wants them to like me, but i think that's quite a pathetic part of me!

yanbu at all. even without the background family problems, the timing makes it a big ask for someone who lives a long way away.

Totally agree with Vallhala - and being somewhat older than her also agree that one of the joys of getting older is realising that you do not have to accept every social invitiation you receive - it is so liberating. Just say 'no' politely to your cousin; it is such a strange time of year to get married anyway, am sure a lot of people will not be able to go.

expat- a large part of me would like to have no contact with any of them (including mum.) But, I know my mum would be devasted, and part of me always thinks, not her fault she's ill.

I do like my cousin though, it's the rest of them that I have ishoos with!

OP: that is such a nice sentiment:
I think my DP and my cousin would really get on well- they are quite simliar. So perhaps I will say to cousin that DP and I will take him and new wife out for dinner as a wedding present?

It would also be a lot more meaningful to your cousin than you just being a face in the crowd of guests. And such a good idea to call him and explain that unfortunately you won't be able to go as you have commitments with your dp's family on the other side of the country. And then please really try not to apologise or explain beyond that to your mum or aunt - if your mum is a big worrier, you could just say you and he had a lovely chat and agreed that it would be nice for him to meet you and your dp in the new year. Bypass the difficult older generation and put your energy into having a nice relationship with the cousin instead of being sucked into their games

Just don't go. Reply to the invite (when you get it) that "with regret, I am unable to attend". End of. You don't even need to explain yourself.

if gthey truly cannot afford your DP to go, then you saying no will help tham as then the bride can afford to invite someone she really wants, as opposed to her future MIL inviting family not seen in many years.

that is the true insanity of weddings, the rest of the family (MILs normlly) saying 'if you don;t invite your second cousin twice removed then it won;t be a true family wedding and it will ruin everything'.

wedding are the time to invite who you love the most, and who loves you the most, to come celebrate a wonderful day. it is not a day that should cause rifts and fueds.

don;t go......do your plan and get to know them before or after with a lovely meal. that way, you both get precious time with each other, and they will appreciate the peace, and if it is after, give you all the gossip:o:o:o

I'm sure that I did a second post here. Where's it gone.

OP, speak to the cousin directly and, while you are at it, ask him what the *^!? he is doing organising a wedding on Friday December 23rd. He might find a lot of people won't go on such an awkward date, which will spoil his day.

You havent seen each other in 5 years your cousin may be chuffed at saving cash by you not going. Its not cheap per head anywhere is it.

I wouldnt go but would send an rsvp and also a card for on the day. I wouldnt feel guilty about it either.

They may have picked that date because lots of family around for Xmas so they won't have to go to that part of the country twice?

Anyway, go direct to the cousin, tell him why you can't go and offer to have him and fiancee over to yours for a w/e piss up or something!

Yanbu. If we have the same weather next winter, you may not be able to travel even if you wanted to! I wouldn't want to be anywhere near your relatives regarding your history with them.

Just say to the cousin that you can't commit to accepting an invitation, but wish them well. I'm sure he'll understand.

Well, well. Sounds like your cousin is a canny young bird. He and his fiancee want a small, private wedding, and they know your aunt (his mother?) and all her siblings are going to try and take it over. So they've picked an awkward date, but with plenty of notice so that those they really want should be able to arrange it! Wait for any actual invites (it's a bit presumptuous to say you can't come when you haven't been invited!) and try not to discuss the whole thing with third parties like your mother and aunt, as it'll get twisted out of all recognition and they'll tell your cousin all kinds of nonsense. Be bland and say stuff like "well, it's the bride and groom's day", "well, let's just wait until they've finalised their plans", "I'm sure they have lots to organise".

I think there will be a thread on some forum soon about the MIL who is taking it upon herself to decide the guest-list with 13 months to go!

YANBU I would not even attempt to attend a wedding on Christmas eve. If I were you I would decline the invite and offer them your best wishes. A wedding is not the time or place to dwell on old family history, it sounds as though you and your Mother need some time alone to discuss the past.