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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am... but not sure what the solution is

28 replies

rachelmummy · 29/11/2010 19:45

The father of my twins is not here during the week.

While I adore being with my twins (and under no circumstances wish to be separated from them) I am bugged by the fact that he gets to do whatever he likes 5 nights a week.

He works (I don't and he does pay for me) but he expects weekends to be him 'time off' - he expects that I still do all chores with the twins (He does play with them, but not change nappies etc)

I know that, compared to many many people, I have a good life, but I am angry that he gets to have this social life and I get the kids.

AIBU? Or should I just bite myself?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 29/11/2010 19:47

Are you married/living together

No it is not reasonable that he gets to do all the fun its whilst you have to do all the ceaseless and sometimes thankless tasks which come with being a parent

Beamur · 29/11/2010 19:47

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Childcare should be a shared responsibility.

onepieceoflollipop · 29/11/2010 19:49

No, YANBU.

Fair enough, 5 nights away he is working. On the remaining 2 nights and days (imo) perhaps he could look after his own children for a few hours while you have a break. Could you get a babysitter one of the weekend nights for you both to go out?

Why in the world does he not change nappies? I can never understand men who won't (or their dps who let them get away with the refusal tbh) The only reason I kind of understand is if the mother is very critical when they do change the babies. i.e. telling them they are doing it wrong etc and generally being critical.

thisisyesterday · 29/11/2010 19:49

no yanbu!

being a mum is a full time job. so the way i see it you both work full time mon-fri

weekends you SHARE the childcare and housework

that doesn't mean you can;t go out and relax and do nice stuff. doesn't mean you can't each have some time alone to do stuff you want to do

but he needs to grow up and start looking after HIS children before you get so resentful you find you'd be better off without him

Original poster
rachelmummy · 29/11/2010 19:50

Rubyslippers - We are married but we are not really together and I think (though cannot prove - but have some circumstancial evidence that he has someone else during the week).

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 29/11/2010 19:51

It all sounds a bit confusing

You think he has someone else

He has no active part in your family life

He is behaving like a single man

Do you WANT to be with him?

onepieceoflollipop · 29/11/2010 19:52

rachelmummy that sounds a really difficult situation to be in. Hope you have friends and family in rl to support you.

AnyFucker · 29/11/2010 19:52
Shock

why are you going along with this ?

does he have a dick made of platinum ?

LoopyLoops · 29/11/2010 19:52

Really? (Re the OW)

I know you're not asking what we would do, but given that information, I would divorce him. HE is not helping with the babies at all, just paying. He can do that from afar, while you find a man to have fun with, who will treat you as an equal and help you with the kids.

ChippingIn · 29/11/2010 19:54

Oh shit Rachel - this is so much more than changing nappies! What do you want to do about it?

Original poster
rachelmummy · 29/11/2010 19:55

I don't know about an OW. I just have seen some flirty texts. NOthing definite.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 29/11/2010 19:58

How old are the children?

Do you love him? Do you want to work it out or work out how to leave? Surely you don't want to carry on how it is?

LoopyLoops · 29/11/2010 19:59

I'd be digging around for evidence.

I think yo might have to write a practical list of pros and cons.

So far:

Pros:
Is DTs father
Pays money

Cons:
Never around
Won't help with DCs
Might have another woman (if not is at least flirting)
Does not allow you to socialise

Plumm · 29/11/2010 19:59

My DH works away during the week and we split childcare/housework during the weekend. DH also tries to spend special time with DD so they can be together and i can get some time to myself.

If your DH doesn't take any responsibility at home and you think he's got another woman during the week you really need to think about what you want from the relationship.

Original poster
rachelmummy · 29/11/2010 19:59

The twins are 2YO.

Yes I love him. But, I am angry with him and feel that I am driving him away.

Or maybe, he's acting like a twit to make me feel angry.

I can't decide.

OP posts:
LoopyLoops · 29/11/2010 20:00

Do you ever get a break?

runmeragged · 29/11/2010 20:02

You are NOT being unreasonable, get that out of your head now!!

Presuming that your kids are preschoolers (because you have mentioned nappies), then it's hard work looking after them on your own. What you are doing whilst he is working is equal to him doing his job - it's just you're not getting paid. You are supposed to be working as a team - ie you looking after the kids ENABLES him to work.

Neither of you get time off when the kids are little unless they are with a babysitter. Tell him there is no such thing as time off for him at the weekend - the kids require 24/7 care.

Anyway, the texts are really bad news. Not sure what to say about that. Do you want to have it out with him?

maryz · 29/11/2010 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 29/11/2010 20:05

'Rachel' - why not get this thread moved to relationships (report your own post and ask MNHQ to move it for you) - AIBU is not the best place for it :(

You are going to need to tell us a bit more if you would like some support/advice/suggestions x

But to answer your original question (relationship stuff aside) he should be doing at least half of the 'parenting' stuff when he is there - he is their Dad, not their Grandad!

rubyslippers · 29/11/2010 20:08

Agree with Maryz

My DH is rarely home for bath and bed and works away too (plus I work FT)

Weekends we both have a lie in and DH does stuff - will take Dcs out for an hour or clean up whilst I bath or vice versa

Your DH has abdicated all responsibility and has YOU thinking you are unreasonable

I think this is a situation where you would be better off apart

Original poster
rachelmummy · 29/11/2010 20:12

He doesn't even do bathtimes or bedtimes. He just sits on the PC while they play. Tho, he rarely looks after both of them without having a face on. he only ever really looks after one of them at a time.

I'm so very tired, worn out and just exhausted. I know I'm causing arguments. I know I am, but I'm so angry that he gets to do all the little things.

Everything I do requires me to sort out childcare which, for twins, is expensive. Which means even a haircut is £££££££ Sad He doesn't feel that childcare is cost effective but doesn't think that he should have to lift a finger in the house either or have to take sole care of the children.

But, I am so angry with him and this is what I am feeling unreasonable about. I feel that I'm already second guessing his approach at weekends (he's really only about once a fortnight)

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 29/11/2010 20:14

I am so sorry for you

This is not a good or healthy relationship for you or the children

He is totally disengaged

If you were to split, what material difference would it make to you? You are on your own anyway

I would take some legal advice on your options and start to build a better and more positive life without him

LoopyLoops · 29/11/2010 20:15

Seriously, what are you getting out of this relationship? He gets:

House to come home to, cleaned and maintained for him
Children looked after, pleasure to play with then give back
A social life elsewhere
A relaxing weekend (despite having children)
Possible two sexual relationships

This doesn't sound fair to me.

maryz · 29/11/2010 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlightlyJaded · 29/11/2010 20:45

I honestly don't understand. I can't see that there is a 'relationship' for you to get out of Confused Does he consider you a 'couple'? I think you need to establish your relationship (or lack of) status before you can approach how you share childcare. TBH assuming he is a good and reliable father, you'd be far better off with him never comIng home and having the twins every other weekend at his place. At least he'd have to get on board with proper parenting and you'd get a break. I can't see what you are getting out of this as things stand?