to tell my dc's that their grandad is dead, when he isn't?

[AngryBeaver]

ok,not their grandad (that name is reserved for someone special)although he is my father.
my parents divorced when i was 9 and my father fucked off to spain and never saw us again.
my mother then married an abusive alcoholic (she was on the rebound and he hid it well,had his own business,seemed handsome/charming etc)
we were all miserable until she finally divorced him.
so,all in all,my db and i had a pretty miserable childhood.
we both have our ishoos.
my mum met a lovely guy when i was in my late teens,and my kids call him grandad.
my eldest dd,who is a very perceptive 4 year old,asked me yesterday who my daddy was.
i have to say my heart dropped.i still find it hard to talk about.
people who know me know this and don't mention him.
i don't want to tell her that he went away.she is really sensitive and may worry that my dh could do this to her.
would it be better to tell her he was dead? (i wish he were,then i wouldn't have to lie)

You make no sense!
You are worried about saying your Daddy left you because she might worry about her own daddy leaving her.So surely it would be even worse to tell her that he died!!!
BTW with my DC I found 4 to be the peak age for worrying about death.

They don't actually worry about death if you tell them in a factual way-it isn't something that should be taken as an option if not true.

thats what i was thinking piscesmoon...but i probably will tell her the truth,only i know my dd,and that will NOT be the end of the subect,it will be question after question!
chippingin.funny you should say that...there was a guy that i was convinced was him,that ikept passing,i would get upset and panicky,and pull the hood down on the pram whilst giving him filthy looks.my mum saw him once and i went,on no it's him,.mum looked at me pitifully and said "no love,that's the postman that used to deliver to our old house!"

it was definitely him at the crossing though (honest!),a fatter older version

YABU. I wouldn#t tellyour DD that he is dead. What woulfd happen if she found out later that you had lied?

Lying is definitely best sometimes. I know.

I will NEVER tell my son the truth.

Nooo, don't lie, the seemingly "good" reasons for doing it won't matter if/when she finds out and feels betrayed.

obv quite difficult to assess what Catnao means without context.

But generally speaking it is pretty unlikely that lying is best; even if the person doing the lying thinks so, the people who get lied to tend not to agree.

catnao i will also lie to mine

my parents may as well not be here - i will lie. the truth would hurt more

I dont think you should lie, my parents lied to me about various family relationships. When I found out the truth at about 18(by a throw away remark made by a relative) I was devastated, not only by the "truth" but that my whole family had lied to me.

I really think you have to realise the implications of lying to your child. They will find out the truth one day, and will then question everything you have ever told them. I know I did.

hmm but explaining WHY someone is not seen could harm the child

ut in the OP's case all she would have to do is explain that their nanny was married to her (the op's) father. he left and moved to spain. they dont see him and probably never will. their grandad is their grandad in the best sense of the word, and she doesnt know anything about the other man.

I can't think of a single reason why it would be better to lie to your child about this than tell them the truth. You don't have to be explicit about why you no longer see them. Even if they are something truely truely awful like a mass murderer or something - one day they will find out and they will be hurt terribly that you lied to them.

There is always a way to be truthful without hitting someone with the harshest bits until they're mature enough.

I have some very difficult stuff to convey to my kids in an age-appropriate way as they grow older and yes, it might be easier to lie, but it wouldn't stop them possibly finding out later from someone else and then they would, quite rightly, feel shocked and hugely betrayed and not trust me any more. No way am I risking putting them in that situation just to make life easier for me.

probably...

i have told my elder three the truth but my younger ones haven't really asked and it would be hard to put any of it 'nicely'

Notanotter - until they are old enough then really all you can do is use words like 'not nice', 'bad', 'they were horrible to mummy' etc - you don't have to actually have to tell them why you no longer have contact.

I'm sorry you are in this position :(

Also, your older children know - it is too much to expect them to lie to the younger ones as well then when the younger ones do find out, which they will, they will also feel betrayed by their siblings and doubly betrayed by you - you not only lied to them, but you loved/trusted the older ones enough to tell them the truth.... it is highly unlikely they will thank you for trying to protect them :(

I'd never lie about something important. One day your kids will find out, and it will be corrosive. Just be very matter of fact and simple about it and they can accept all manner of things. I think when you're small the world is such an astonishing and odd place that things adults find hugely problematic are just accepted as how it is.

Incidentally I decided to cut my father off after having my son. He was wanking on about one of my half brothers not being his (because he dropped out of uni and it made him feel better) and I sat there and thought - you've treated all 4 wives, all 4 kids, and all 4 stepkids like utter shite, my husband thinks you are genuinely psychopathic. Why would I let you near my baby? When he's old enough I will just say he is not a nice man and is not kind to people, it's very sad, but isn't (other) Grandpa lovely, and all 4 (DH and I both have a lovely stepmother each) Grandmas?

Sorry, that was pronoun soup. Hope the gist is apparent anyway.

very similar position here (my father is a prize dick) and DS has no father around so even more ricky. I tell him that my father (I never refer to him as my Daddy) lives a long way away. In your position I would follow it swiftly with "GRandad was really my proper daddy".

I tell DS on the occsaions when he asks why we don;t see him that some people are not very good at being daddies.

You have to tell the truth. If you do anything else your children will never be able to trust you. They will find out. My mother never told me my biological father died when I was 14. When I went looking at 19, arranging to visit his mother who didn't know I didn't know when I telephoned her, she told me and on the spot I covered up for my mother and pretended that I knew. Double whammy, my father was dead and my mother hadn't told me.

Well,a lot of people in the same boat.i think you're probably all right,and that i should tell them (in an age appropriate way)...i just know she'll go on and on though.i can see little the cogs turning already!but,she'll have to know at some point.so,the next time she asks,i'll tell her.
thanks for the advice

AB - I'm glad you have come to that conclusion. Sorry you are in this position though :(